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The Post Anything Thread


Maximus0988

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This is the problem with doing something that doesn't suit me.

No matter what I do, people won't accept to have me around. They would rather make me get in trouble for un-paid bills, make me starve due to no funds for groceries, or make me get evicted from my appartment onto the street or worse force me to move back with my verbal and even physical abuser than to have to see my ugly mug for one more second doing a job that doesn't look good on me, even if I put a smile on my face. Even if I succesfully put on a facade looking like I'm okay when I'm bored. Even if I successfully contribute positively attitude-wise when there's less or no boring work to do.

I used to think that some people are just spoiled rotten and they just don't understand why people take dead end jobs. I thought everybody understands the need to have money, but I was wrong. If I'm going to do an ugly job, I'm going to need the proper "look" for the job. If I'm going to be a slave and a servant burning myself mentally being overworked with neverending repetitive tasks, I can't imagine how can I possibly present myself so that they'll accept as the man for the job. They hired me because they were screwed because no one wanted to do it.

Now I understand how it is incredibly harmful to me to keep putting up with these dead end jobs. Everybody whines about me needing to pay my bills, but this goes beyond harming myself psychologically and physically. I wake up in the morning knowing I am not safe in my environment. I know I have no place there and I don't belong there. I can get fired if the wrong person jumps into power.

 

At least now I realize that the psychatrists who want to put me on the pills won't be of any help, because when you have this kind of life, pills won't put me in the proper environment I need to be in. I'm seeing everything crystal clearly. I can see why there's so much depression out there and I can see why people sometimes choose to "escape" these incredibly bad situations.

The diswashers don't want to do the job. The workers give me thousands of dishes to do, yet they all criticize the diswasher for taking the job. I think only the owners want a diswasher because they could make their employees work more and spend less time sanitizing glassware.

Edited by The_Unwanted
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My wife wrote me a note saying she misses my smile. She says she never sees it anymore. I hate being depressed and making her upset. I hate disappointing her. I wish I did feel like smiling.

My wife said something similar.  She said she misses the old me.

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Its nearly a month since I quit my job which was making me really stressed, but it feels like a lifetime ago. Since then I have been catching up on stuff, cleaning my room etc and not feeling too bad but this week I have felt really bad again. It feels like I am back to this time a year ago when my major depression started. I just can't see the point in anything - I have no job, no friends, nothing to do. I've tried hobbies but they don't fulfill me enough. I'm back to feeling trapped again and it's scary :(

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2 facts of the day

 

Percentage of the current world population who are genuinely honest: 0.000000001%

 

Percentage of the current world population who are despicable by nature: at least 73.27%

 

I wake up everyday imagining everyone thinking and feeling the absolute worst about me. My trust is gone, so there's no way to change that around.

 

But since we're biologically programmed to need productive human relations to be healthy, I guess I'd be foolish to try to fight genetics. So what I do is merrily go on with my daily business not trusting anybody. But, I also give everybody a fair chance to prove to me they have something to give. It's the most I can do.

 

73.27% 100% of all people have their moments. But for the sake for fairness, I just don't want to misjudge someone by concluding they are the worst when in reality they are capable of doing at least a little something positive for me. Scumbags are real. But it would be boring if everyone was a scumbag. Don't worry, it's eaiser said than done. Even for me.

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I really want to self-harm. Between that and a borderline obsession about suicide and suicidal type things, I don't feel like a person all the time. I feel like it would be so easy, and yet, so hard. And I feel guilty for going over and over and over it again in my head when I know people love me, and I know it come so close to breaking a promise I made to myself a long time ago. It breaks my heart and makes me hurt so much, and there's nothing I can do. And then I think of the child I gave up. I'd like to meet him one day and know that all my pain and suffering is worth it for having made someone like him. Giving him up was the best and worst thing I have ever done...

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I think they purposely make the emergency psych ward a dungeon here in this city so that people will not want to go there, thus they can see less patients and save more money.  It certainly isn't an accident, that that is the only part of the hospital stuck in a time warp and an absolute digusting crap hole.  It isn't like those who go there have a voice anyway.  Mental health stigma sure does exist here, it is endemic to our healthcare system.

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I haven't had Thanksgiving or Christmas with my sister and family for a few years since my dad died.  In fact we really dislike each other.  There are a million reasons why but I won't get into them.  Spent holidays with my Dad.  Since he passed had a disastrous Thanksgiving at a friend of a friend's house.  I felt like committing my self after.

 

So I kind of avoid holiday get togethers, unless it was with close friends I trust.  I'd rather be spending holidays alone than being in fights with my sister if we were still speaking, or being with friends who don't get depression and try to convince me to go to rehab.

 

I guess sometimes being alone protects me from being hurt by people and family.  Alone time does not bother me though.   

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I hate wanting to go out and do something fun only to become more depressed by seeing so many happy people. They just seem so happy and are actually having fun. My energy is always low so going out is a challenge in itself. That's when I come home surrounded by people who tell me they hate living with me. I only wish I made a significant salary to move.

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I hate wanting to go out and do something fun only to become more depressed by seeing so many happy people. They just seem so happy and are actually having fun. My energy is always low so going out is a challenge in itself. That's when I come home surrounded by people who tell me they hate living with me. I only wish I made a significant salary to move.

Hi FallenStar.... I know how you feel. When I was extremely depressed last year, it was so hard to see happy people knowing that I was not one of them... now that I am out of that state, a year later, I am one of those people when I am out... laughing and having a good time with my friends --- just saying that you can be too eventually... depression and down states take time to come out of... have patience with yourself through the process, but do know there is hope for brighter days, and there is a light at the end of the tunnel... you can feel happiness again.  :console: 

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I have been applying for jobs all day I never thought getting another job would be this hard I hope I find one before the months up because i might end up in a homless shelter not that I care all that much my life sucks no matter where i go so its just like whatever.

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