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Maximus0988

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I've been watching a lot of Robin Williams movies lately and am totally in tears over the fact that he commit suicide. This makes me so deeply sad to no end... what an amazing actor, who suffered from depression and alcoholism... we lost a great one.

My favorites are Birdcage, Good Morning Vietnam, Alladin and Good Will Hunting. Good Will Hunting always makes me cry, some of those therapy scenes were so intense. Williams was great as the therapist and deserved the Oscar!

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I've been watching a lot of Robin Williams movies lately and am totally in tears over the fact that he commit suicide. This makes me so deeply sad to no end... what an amazing actor, who suffered from depression and alcoholism... we lost a great one.

My favorites are Birdcage, Good Morning Vietnam, Alladin and Good Will Hunting. Good Will Hunting always makes me cry, some of those therapy scenes were so intense. Williams was great as the therapist and deserved the Oscar!

 

I just watched the Birdcage last night! lol... I absolutely adore that movie, he is so wonderful in it... Good Will Hunting will always be one of my top favorites... he's incredible as the therapist.... he definitely deserved the Oscar!! I miss him so very much.

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I'm really missing social interaction during the day, my job is so lonely. I'm flying in the wind all by my lonesome, with very few team members to interact with while working from home in my little attic space. The downside aspect of working from home.... at least I have noise downstairs from my parents but if I lived alone, I would be very concerned for my well being. This doesn't feel healthy for me.

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I'm really missing social interaction during the day, my job is so lonely. I'm flying in the wind all by my lonesome, with very few team members to interact with while working from home in my little attic space. The downside aspect of working from home.... at least I have noise downstairs from my parents but if I lived alone, I would be very concerned for my well being. This doesn't feel healthy for me.

I often wonder if I could work from home 5 days a week. I like the people I work with plus I need someone to keep me honest. With ADD my mind wanders and sometimes I have trouble focusing.

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I'm really missing social interaction during the day, my job is so lonely. I'm flying in the wind all by my lonesome, with very few team members to interact with while working from home in my little attic space. The downside aspect of working from home.... at least I have noise downstairs from my parents but if I lived alone, I would be very concerned for my well being. This doesn't feel healthy for me.

I often wonder if I could work from home 5 days a week. I like the people I work with plus I need someone to keep me honest. With ADD my mind wanders and sometimes I have trouble focusing.

 

Yeah, it's actually kind of hard! You have to be super self-motivated and self-directed. You have a lot of autonomy with no one breathing down your neck, but it's hard to work alone so much.... my mind wanders quite a bit too (I think I have ADD as well)... and I lose focus too. I have to take a lot of breaks... hence why I'm on DF so much!!! LOL.

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Random Person: "You know that's a sign of insecurity right"

Me: "Yup

Random Person: "So you admit your insecure"

Me: "Yes I do"

Random Person:"Oh..."

 

Conversation goes dead and things get real awkward

 

Lmao 

haha thats how my conversations go

 

coworker: how did your weekend go

 

me:I got ###### faced in my house alone

 

coworker:...........................,

 

me:Now you can,t talk to me because im friggen insane,and you got to follow the social protcol and just continue to ignore me.I don,t mind im use to it I hate this place and it sucks I have nothing to live for so I don,t care what I say I have no shame because I really don,t care anymore I hope you tell everyone else this so you have a topic of conversation for the day,I don,t give a crap,

 

Coworker: are you ok

 

Me;do I sound ok

 

Coworker;........................

 

boss;are you ok,why are you upset

 

me:No im not ok im friggen miesarble everyday,I hate everything in my life,how are you doing.

 

surprisingly I never got fired.

 

when I admitted myself to outpatient

 

how are you doing I am friggen miesarble I want helpl,I have plans of ******* myself because I lost everything, I live in complete social isolation with no relationships no friends and my family is abusive I pretty much have nothing to live for,I am just trying out all my options before I end it if this doesn,t work im probably going to start doing hard drugs,till I od.I tried and I have failed at everything.

 

outpatient person Ok I will get you a therapist right away.

 

Then in group I repeated the same thing and the group memebers were telling me I don,t understand how you think then I told them I don,t either and im pretty much ****in insane and thats why i admitted my self here,I have all these plans to **** myself yadda.

 

I ended up being pulled out of the group because I was to depressin.

Edited by scienceguy
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Random Person: "You know that's a sign of insecurity right"

Me: "Yup

Random Person: "So you admit your insecure"

Me: "Yes I do"

Random Person:"Oh..."

 

Conversation goes dead and things get real awkward

 

Lmao 

haha thats how my conversations go

 

coworker: how did your weekend go

 

me:I got ###### faced in my house alone

 

coworker:...........................,

 

me:Now you can,t talk to me because im friggen insane,and you got to follow the social protcol and just continue to ignore me.I don,t mind im use to it I hate this place and it sucks I have nothing to live for so I don,t care what I say I have no shame because I really don,t care anymore I hope you tell everyone else this so you have a topic of conversation for the day,I don,t give a crap,

 

Coworker: are you ok

 

Me;do I sound ok

 

Coworker;........................

 

boss;are you ok,why are you upset

 

me:No im not ok im friggen miesarble everyday,I hate everything in my life,how are you doing.

 

surprisingly I never got fired.

 

when I admitted myself to outpatient

 

how are you doing I am friggen miesarble I want helpl,I have plans of ******* myself because I lost everything, I live in complete social isolation with no relationships no friends and my family is abusive I pretty much have nothing to live for,I am just trying out all my options before I end it if this doesn,t work im probably going to start doing hard drugs,till I od.I tried and I have failed at everything.

 

outpatient person Ok I will get you a therapist right away.

 

Then in group I repeated the same thing and the group memebers were telling me I don,t understand how you think then I told them I don,t either and im pretty much ****in insane and thats why i admitted my self here,I have all these plans to **** myself yadda.

 

I ended up being pulled out of the group because I was to depressin.

 

Its like people just don't know how to listen. All people know how to do is go through their checklist of approved comments and responses. Its just useless sometimes.

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So, after having my new pills in my possession for over a week now, I finally awoke early enough to take it this morning.

I'm talking about Cymbalta.

 

I started on it in Nov 2006 after my mom died.  I was taking 30mg.  I took it faithfully for about 5 years. 

At which time, my husband was laid off from his job and within a year, we had lost our insurance completely.

 

Okay so actually, lets start again.  After my mother died, my doctor put me on Lexapro because I was drowning in alcohol and crying all the time all without my family knowing for 6 months.  I started Lexapro and within 7 months I had gained 100 lbs.  That coming after having had weight loss surgery in 2001 and losing 100 lbs.  So my doctor switched me to Wellbutrin.  After a ten days on that, I broke out in a rash from my shoulders to my knees.  Doctor had to take me off of that and puts me on Cymbalta. 

 

Everything was fine until we lost our insurance.  No generic for Cymbalta at this time, around 2011 or 2012 and the cost without insurance was about $200-250.  No way I could afford it so I just had to stop right then and there.

 

Over the last few years I have definitely fought with depression and anxiety.  I have fought the need for depression meds because of some of the side effects, however I do take anxiety medication.  Along with several other meds that happens to some people as they age, have mega stress in their life, can't sleep, can't breathe, etc.

 

So back to today.  I haven't taken anything for depression in several years, but recently I have had many life changing events happen in my life and I just haven't been able to handle it so I went to the doctor yet again, and told her I needed depression meds. (I say again because over the last 3 years I've been to my doc telling her the same thing.  she writes me the script and I never get it filled because I think I can handle it myself)

 

Oh and my doctor prescribed me Cymbalta 60mg which sort of scared me.  Actually I was wanting to move from the 30 to the 60mg way back, but for her to just start me off at 60mg now kind of scares me.  I've always been the type of person that absolutely hated taking pills.  Now I feel like my mother or grandmother I take so many.

Anyway, so I have to take it in the early morning or I can't sleep at night.  Problem is I don't wake up early.  I stay up late and sleep late.  But this morning I woke up at 7:30am and decided to start taking it.  I'm feeling sort of out of sorts.  Not sure how to put it, but just sort of sick to my stomach a little and my hands feel sort of, it's kind of like I get when I'm super hungry.  My hands get a little shaky, my stomach gets upset and I feel like I'm going to pass out.  I ate when I took it this morning, a bowl of cereal, and I'm eating lunch now and still feel the same way.

 

I'm not sure if I should continue taking the 60's for a couple of weeks or call her and tell her I want to go back on the 30's.

 

I feel pretty messed up and like no one understands.  I know my husband doesn't understand my depression.  He says everyone gets depressed at some point.  But when I asked him if he had ever felt like everything was completely hopeless or lost or like he just couldn't go on anymore and he answered NO.  That tells me he's been sad, but not depressed. He's one of those people that doesn't show much emotion.

 

With all that we've had going on over the last few years, I know I've had a hard time, I don't know how he deals better with things.

 

I completely understand when people say it would be easier if they weren't alive, because I've felt the same way many many times over the last 9 years..

However, I know deep down that I'm depressed and in a day or two I'll be back to what I consider to be "normal".

 

I hope no one says anything ugly about what I've written.  I feel like no one cares, but it's nice to put it out there I guess.  I should probably see a counselor, but that's just not me.

 

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7 October 2015

The Royal Swedish Academy of Sciences has decided to award the Nobel Prize in Chemistry for 2015 to

 

Tomas Lindahl
Francis Crick Institute and Clare Hall Laboratory, Hertfordshire, UK

Paul Modrich
Howard Hughes Medical Institute and Duke University School of Medicine, Durham, NC, USA

and

Aziz Sancar The Turkish guy
University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill, NC, USA

“for mechanistic studies of DNA repair"

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Happiness is playing hide and seek with us,where's it?? i've searched every corner of my brain,i took hundreds of pills,i did hours and hours of exercise,i do start to eat healthy food...all for noting i still don't feel it...plz docs zap my sad brain with electricity maybe then it would start all over again like the old times it did.

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