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Ruinous Blue

Feeling Hopeless

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Hi,my name is Kristen and I've just joined the forum. I've always been a very laid back, happy person and never had issues with depression until about 2 months ago. Prior to that, the only problem I ever experienced was occasional panic attacks while driving and mild OCD. But lately, I spend most days feeling extremely anxious and sad for no reason. What frustrates me most is I have a wonderful husband that I love more than anything, a beautiful home, we're happy together, debt free, healthy, and we live in a city I absolutely love. But then, seemingly out of nowhere this depression hit me like a ton of bricks and if I didn't have to take care of our dog, I really do think I'd sleep all day. I also feel like I've been exhibiting behavior that is definitely not normal. For example, I recently read a tabloid article about a favorite actor and even though it was almost certainly an untrue rumor-I spent hours everyday obsessing over it, replaying it over and over in my mind, crying. This might be normal if I was a young teenager, but I'm a grown woman. I worry that this is just the beginning of even more irrational behavior and it scares me. I saw a therapist a few times recently, but I just felt like she wasn't really invested in what I was saying. I find that smoking garden shrub helps, but that's not a solution since it's not legal where we live and not always easy to get. I've started taking a sleeping pill with a big glass of alcohol to calm myself when my husband is at work. He doesn't know how bad things have gotten for me, and I don't want to place this burden on him. He grew up with a prescription drug addicted bipolar mother and an alcoholic father, he doesn't need to be going through this with his wife. I was molested in a very kinky and disgusting way when I was 6 years old. It has caused me to be a very shy person, as well as extremely claustrophobic. It was also after this, that I started chewing the skin on my fingers until I bleed whenever I'm stressed or upset - something I still do. I didn't grow up in an abusive home, but my father (who I adored) was a womanizer and my mother was and is rather aloof. I would love to find a therapist that really listened and cared, but haven't had much luck. I occasionally think about suicide, but I honestly don't believe I'd ever actually do it. I just hate this. Every day feels like a struggle. Even on a decent day, I feel like I'm constantly trying to outrun this depression, and it always catches me.

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Hello, Kristen.  :welcomeani: to the site!

 

I am sorry that the past 2 months have been so difficult.  It is good that you are reaching out to others on here and in therapy.  One of the worst things people do when struggling is to become isolated.  Although your experience with the therapist you visited with was not a positive one, I would encourage you to keep looking.  It can take a while to find the right person to talk with.

 

I would also advise you to be very careul when you use any sort of substance like alcohol and sleeping pills.  I know how easy it is to develop an addiction, especially when we exhibit some sort of emotional problems.  It may help you in the moment, but very often it magnifies our problems.

 

Some forums I think you will find beneficial are the Anxiety and SAAM forums if you feel the need to talk more about these subjects.  I hope that you find the right therapist, and also find relief on this site!

 

:bestwishes:

Edited by Jules19

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Hi Kristen, and welcome to DF.

I'm glad you found us. This is a very warm, welcoming, supportive community of people.

I second what Jules has already said. She gave you some good advice.

Please make yourself feel at home here, take a look around the site, and post wherever you feel comfortable.

I hope you find the support you are looking for here.

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Hi Kristen, and welcome :flowers: I'm very sorry to hear about your struggles with depression, anxiety, and terrible things that happened to you as a little girl. It takes a lot of courage to share some of your story. I'll third what Jules said, as she did give great advice. Posting here brings me a lot of comfort. I hope it does the same for you.

 

 

(((All the best)))

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