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I Get Whats Wrong With Me But I Don't Know How To Fix It


Yuujin

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Hello, once again sorry for potentially posting in the wrong area again.

 

I posted here a few months back with my situation http://www.depressionforums.org/forums/topic/109137-noob-at-forums-just-wanting-to-discuss-my-situation/(but I don't expect you to read that long thing, it's mostly irrelevant now).

 

I still impulse buy things to keep myself occupied. I do drink on rare occasion but have only gotten drunk once (was last night actually). I don't smoke anymore. I'm still a scrawny 100lb 5ft 7in kid who looks 12 (I'm 21). I've been working out, eating twice as much, drinking weight gain supplements, etc. yet still haven't gained a single pound. I did lose the one person who I would have considered the closest thing I have to a 'close' friend (she had to move away). Didn't see her for a few months but now she lives just a couple hours away which isn't too bad. One of my other somewhat 'close' friends also moved away, and the only other 'close' friend I have left I'm somewhat crushing hard on (which sucks, because shes taken. But I'll it over it eventually I hope). I've always been depressed for as long as I can remember. Wanting death but not suicidal. In a sense, I think about suicide all the time, but not in a real way. I can imagine myself committing suicide, but its something that would never seem 'real' if that makes sense. I want death, I really do. But I won't **** myself. I have access to so many guns and knifes it would have happened along time ago.

 

Still short, skinny, socially awkward (always afraid to talk to people. and when I'm not afraid, I can't think of anything to talk about lol). But moving on. That's basically small update from where i was 4-5 months ago. Now to the fun part!

 

I'm taking Lexapro (Escitalopram), which was prescribed to me by a doctor who helped me with a life long stomach issue I have (dunno why he gave me it, maybe he could see something others don't?)

 

Anyways it doesn't really help me, might help others but not me.

 

the main key things I notice about my depression that caused me to post asking for help was 3 things:

1. I overeat to the slightest things. Friend doesn't return my text quickly? I spiral into deep depression. I always answer texts immediately (regardless of the persons importance to me) so I never understand why others don't but I just assume they are busy or don't want to talk. HOWEVER, it does end up making me feel s***ty.

2. I seem to care for others more than they care for me, but then feel like when I don't get the same back. Which again, is my fault but don't know how to handle it. For example one of my friends, I care for her a lot. Probably one of the most important people in my life. Mostly just me and her hanging out lately since everyone else moved away. But, I know she doesn't care as much for me which sucks. Not necessarily because I feel like I NEED her specifically to care for me, but just the fact that there is nobody in my life (and never has been) who I would consider a real close friend. Close enough to talk about anything. The girl I mentioned earlier is probably my closest friend, but from her side not close like best friends kind of thing. (maybe close enough to open up to, but I wouldn't risk it. When it comes to potentially close friends shes pretty much all I have left).

3. Mostly tying into the other 2. If I'm not preoccupied by work, school, or friends, I just cant help being depressed. Best way of describing it is, I don't trust myself alone with my thoughts. Today is a Saturday, I don't have work, or school, or any available friends (most are probably hungover right now anyways), so here I am :)

But I think I understand it. It's my fault for not being able to be alone with my thoughts, my fault I emotionally overreact, my fault that I set too high of expectations of others. I can't point the finger and blame it on anyone else. But I don't know what to do about it, how do I treat that? I also don't see how medication might help, because even if I take meds that work better than what I have, it doesn't change my situation at all right? Or maybe I just don't understand how the medication works.

 

How I would like to think is, that all I need is one close best friend, who also considers me their best friend. (friend, partner, whatever I don't care, just want companionship). I've never had that. I'm also afraid that if I did have it, I would want more. Maybe right now I think it would be enough but then once I have it, maybe it won't be? A few years ago I was completely alone, no job, couldn't afford school, ALWAYS alone with my thoughts. Now I have a great job, going to school, have some friends (but nobody close), and I still feel horrible, maybe worse even.
 

If its something wrong with me, or my brain, or whatever, I don't know how to fix it. I feel like right now, in most aspects, I am better off than most people my age and most of my peers/friends. I am supposedly cute (although I guess not the kind of cute that gets you a girlfriend since I've never had one). I have and pretty good job that I actually enjoy, and pays well for someone my age. Other than a place to call my own that I own, I have every worldly possession I can think of (furniture, tv, pets, gaming laptop, hundreds of dollars worth of posters). The only aspect I don't have, is a close friend. But other than that I should be happy right? I don't understand.

 

Sorry this kind of turned into a rant. Was meant to be a smaller post. I suppose even if its not read, it still burned some time I otherwise would have spent poorly lol.

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Hi Yuujin!  Please forgive me, I didn't check out your previous post and am just going by what you wrote a cpl of days ago. 

 

I am just wondering if you would consider speaking to a counsellor.  I have a great therapist and I feel I can tell her anything.  I find it very helpful. 

 

You might also want to consider going back to your doctor and letting him/her know that the Lexapro doesn't seem to be having any effect.  If the doctor diagnosed you with depression, there are many other antidepressants out there - sometimes it takes a while to find the right one. 

 

I hear what you're saying about wanting a close relationship with someone.  It sounds like things are going reasonably well in your life (& good for you!!  it's not easy working *&* going to school) but that you want a little more.  Nothing wrong with that.  I think it's a very 'human' thing to want to be close to others and to want to provide that closeness to others too.  It sounds like thinking about things all the time is distressing.  It is for me too.  Would you consider taking up mindfulness meditation?  It's an ancient practice that has been remodeled into something called MBSR (mindfulness based stress reduction).  MBSR is usually an 8 week course where you learn about meditation.  I did the course twice and have found it very helpful.  It doesn't get rid of all the excessive thoughts all the time but when I have the awareness to notice what I'm doing, I can go 'sit' for a while and it helps a lot.  Just putting that out there.

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Thank you for the response Orso. It's okay if you didn't read the past post, it was very very long and somewhat irrelevant at this point.

 

Today I setup an appointment to meet with my doctor. He specializes with more stomach related issues but he is the one who prescribed me the lexapro. He didn't diagnose me with anything related to depression, he basically was like "college life is rough, here have some anxiety medication". But I got the feeling he saw more than usual. I am very skinny and he also seemed concerned I might had been anorexic (I'm not and never have been).

 

He seems to be a strong believer that "your gut works with your brain". Usually relating to healthy diet and management of stomach acids can often help balance your brain? Or something. I found it interesting, who knows maybe it helps some people.

 

I can't remember what my condition is called, but my whole life I have had issues eating and would seem to get pains in my stomach or chest easily. Lots of doctors just thought I had heartburn, wasn't until I met this guy that I actually got diagnosed and helped (at the age of 20 so a little late lol). He gave me pills that help balance the acids in my stomach, makes it easier to eat and never really get heartburn anymore. It's apparently a condition or science that is only recently being studied more and coming to light.

Anyways I'm ranting again. I'll keep it short from here.

I setup appointment with him and I will talk to him first about my depression and see what he wants to do about it, maybe he will just refer me to someone else but I figured he would be best to talk to first.

 

I want to try other medication or maybe stronger dose of lexapro, I'm not sure if therapy or anything like that would help much. As I mentioned before, if my mind isn't preoccupied, it think bad things. And often just feel down for no reason at all, like I will literally not be able to think of a single reason why I would be feeling that way at that time. Or small things triggering me that I KNOW probably shouldn't. I could have an amazing day of hanging out with a friend, feel close to them, then the slightest thing in my head will convince me I am hated by them. When rationally, I see no reason to feel that way but I just do...I don't think therapy or counseling would help much in this scenario because...I feel like for the most part my way of thinking is okay? It feels more like an involuntary reaction to things? Not sure how to explain it...

I like the idea of MBSR and I'm going to look into that right now actually. It sounds interesting and I want to give it a try. I've never been able to get stuff like that to work in the past but I want to try.

 

Thank you for the response again. It means a lot just hearing back from someone. Also, if I find any gut to brain methods that help maybe I'll mention it here if that stuff actually works! I had never heard of it before so not sure how well known it is.

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Yuujin, please let us know what your doctor has to say!  I am also interested in how the gut & brain work together.  A lot of the neurotransmitters are also produced in the gut so it's pretty interesting stuff.  & apparently we need to have a good population of micro-critters (I suspect your doc will be more scientific!) in the gut to help us stay healthy.  I know that probiotics can be really helpful.  Is this your regular family doctor?  If so, wow, you have a good one! 

 

The thing with MBSR and meditation in general is that you just have to keep doing it and not judge yourself about how you're doing with it.  Some days are better than others & it's the mind's nature to want to wander off.  You just have to keep bringing it back.  It does get a bit easier but I'm no expert. 

 

Good luck with this, Yuujin, & please keep us posted.

 

p.s.  I noticed your name b/c it is one letter off from a Chinese medicine herb that's used for depression (yujin - it's turmeric)!  I thought that was pretty cool. 

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haha that's pretty interesting about the yuijn thing!

 

My first name IRL is Eugene, I am a Japanese language student at my local university. In kanji my name is spelled 友人 (yuujin) which basically means 'friend'.

 

I am seeing the doctor on the 14th. He is not my regular doctor, I honestly can't remember how I came about meeting him. Basically from what I know, this whole gut mind science stuff is fairly new and unknown and still being studied. A funny note to add, the medication I take for my stomach was originally intended to treat stomach ulcers, but apparently works well for treating my condition.

 

I'm going to try the MBSR, and I'll make another post after I speak with my doctor as well.

 

I'm also going to ask him if it is okay to drink alcohol with Lexapro since, I have seen mixed findings online.

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Oh that's so interesting!  How nice that your  name comes out as 'friend'! 

 

I'm glad you have an appointment coming up.  I hope it goes well.

 

You're right, the gut/mind work is still ongoing and there's a lot more to learn. 

 

Interesting about the stomach meds - I am glad doctors do some off-label prescribing.  I wonder if there is a formal collection of information about that sort of thing?

 

Yes, please post how the appointment goes and let us know when you get into an MBSR group. 

 

I know some people are strongly against any alcohol if you have depression since alcohol is a depressant.  But good idea to check in with the doctor to get a professional opinion.

 

All the best!

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 Best way of describing it is, I don't trust myself alone with my thoughts. 

I completely understand this feeling. I experience this as well. I have anxiety, depression, and obsessive negative thoughts. So when I am not distracted with something I can collapse in on myself. I hope your appointment goes well!

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  • 2 weeks later...

I am back with a little update.

 

I spoke with my doctor. He is increasing my Lexapro to 20MG from 10MG. I doubt this will do much but he said if it doesn't help he will refer me to someone who can prescribe something stronger or talk to me.

 

I didn't get a chance to ask him much about mind gut stuff. From what I remember, it is some things like 'healthy diet' or 'healthy weight' things like that can help. If not in mind gut tactics, then it would help with self esteem. If anyone is interested in more of this stuff, I have heard some other things about diet that can cause problems. Too much sugar intake, not enough calories, things like that can hurt your body and weaken your mind as a whole from what little I know. It is always important to make sure you keep up with vitamins and other things you can get over the counter. (I have a vitamin D deficiency, it is somewhat better now but not perfect. And yes this can cause depression).

 

He was curious how bad my depression was, my best summary was "From as far back as I can remember, every day has been the worst day of my life except for a small amount I can probably count on one hand".

 

He told me to stop smoking in hopes it would help my appetite. He also told me to be careful about drinking. He told me it might be okay as long as I don't overdue it, as in don't get drunk. But maybe the rare occasion of a buzz wouldn't hurt.

 

I was worried he might get mad at me or something, since last time I saw him I didn't smoke or drink, and I know he was hoping I would be in better shape next time he saw me.

 

To add to the "Best way of describing it is, I don't trust myself alone with my thoughts. "

I think I realized something lately...a girl I am very good friends with, I spend a lot of time with. I feel I owe what little happiness I have left due to the fact that I am able to spend less time alone with my thoughts thanks to her. We spend so much time together that I get asked maybe 3 times a week if we are dating...
Sadly, at this point I am actually interested in her, though very clear she isn't interested in me. Which sucks, but I guess I will have to get over it. I should just be glad I finally have someone who I can call a close friend. 

 

I was recently told I was a demi, the explanation I got seemed pretty accurate to me. I always knew I was that way but never knew there was a name for it.

"A demisexual is a person who does not experience sexual attraction unless they form a strong emotional connection with someone. It's more commonly seen in but by no means confined to romantic relationships. The term demisexual comes from the orientation being "halfway between" sexual and asexual.

Not really related but just thought it was interesting and that I could share it. I was also told demi is like a spectrum, you can be very one sided as a demi towards Ace or away from it apparently. I dunno, thought it was cool.

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Hello. Sorry, I'm on my phone and can't see much while I'm typing so I'll make this short. I recently read a book called the bipolar med free diet. I definitely don't think it just benefits those with bipolar. I think it could help you with your stomach issues as well as mental health. I've heard a lot about that connection and I think there's something to it. Anyway good luck to you, thanks for keeping us updated. You're not alone.

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Hey Yuujin, thanks for the update.  The increase lexapro might make a difference.  Give it a try for a while and see what happens. 

 

You're so right about sugar - that really messes up the gut.  Good thing you know your VitD level so you can work on it. 

 

You know, your doctor sounds alright.  I get annoyed with drs who are rude and bossy with their patients.  Most ppl already give themselves enough of a hard time, they don't need more from others.  Good points about smoking and drinking, they do a lot to the body and can definitely have an effect on the appetite as well as sleeping and mood.  Funny thing with alcohol - there are some bitter herbal drinks that are considered aperitifs and they're supposed to stimulate the appetite.  but they are an acquired taste (Campari is one that comes to mind). 

 

hmm, never heard of demi before but it is definitely interesting.  Thanks for posting that too.

 

Take care & if you have time, can you let us know how the increased meds work for you?

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Thank you for the responses! Bipolar med free diet sounds interesting, I might look into it.

 

I like my doctor, hes helped me a lot in the past since I started visiting him. He didn't really ask me about my depression, just enough to get the picture. But he didn't push anything which I liked.

 

As I've mentioned, I've always been this way for as long as I can remember. When I was younger I asked my mother about it and she basically told me to suck it up. Few years later I tried again and was told the same thing. I then wen't several years without talking to anybody since..it obviously didn't help.

 

Campari sounds interesting...anything to stimulate my appetite is probably worth looking into.

 

I'll update again if mentioning if the Lexapro helped or not, and if not I will update how a visit to my doctors reference psychiatrist goes.

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  • 1 month later...

Hello,

 

It's been a while but I have an update. Not sure if like, ya'll get notifications when I reply or something but here goes.

 

tl;dr - I started higher dose of Lexapro. Came back to that doctor about 5ish weeks later. The lexapro didn't help, I got all the s***ty side effects with none of the happiness. He referred me to a Psychiatrist and started me on Effexor 150mg. It  has only been about a week and a half or so since I started it. No change yet, but tons of fun side effects! Shaking, fatigue, dizziness, nausea, dryness. Fun stuff. Hopefully it works after a while. If not, the Psychiatrist has another one he wants me to try.

 

The psychiatrist had me speak with a therapist too. Only weird thing is, neither of them seem to have attempted much yet. They both let me talk for a while then setup a followup meeting. I was expecting a bit more...maybe next appointment there will be more.

 

They were also both surprised that I had been this way for so many years, and that I had been that way without ever telling anyone or getting professional help. The therapist had me fill out a questionnaire. Which was a little weird because all the questions were like "do you feel more unhappy now than you did before?" and I'm just thinking...well there was no before. I was never happy to begin with.  Maybe when I was like, 10? But I don't really remember that far back.

After that she said she would speak with her supervisor to like, see if she was capable of dealing with that case or if I should go to someone else? Or something, I can't remember.

 

I also have looked into some of the things you guys mentioned like the campari and other products. I haven't tried it yet but I most likely will soon if what I am trying now doesn't improve my appetite. I'm eating a bit healthier now too.

 

Although, not sure if it is because of side effects or because of recent events possibly making me feel worse but, lately just don't have the energy to do anything...I'm usually a neat freak but now my house is kind of messy because I can't bring myself to do anything.

 

Random question. As standard questions go, therapist asked me if I ever hear voices. I don't but, I thought about it for a minute and I remember when I was younger. Really young maybe like before I was 10 (I don't remember much from then, could just be false memories for all I know). I remember thinking I was hearing people occasionally calling my name, or saying something to me. Often when I was home alone, nobody there. Or I would be alone in my room and hear something sounding like someone calling me, go ask my mom if it was her and she would say no. I know she wasn't messing with me or anything. But I distinctly remember being damn positive I heard someone actually say something not just thoughts in my head. Has anyone else experienced anything like this? It's not so relevant now since it doesn't happen anymore but, just found it interesting.

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Hi Yuujin,

 

I just noticed you posted an update.  Yes, meds can be rough.  I hope that you find something that will be helpful for you.  And with therapy, it can take a while to get the ball rolling.  If you have any concerns about what is happening/not happening in therapy, you should feel free to speak to the therapist about it or ask any questions you need to have answered to proceed comfortable. 

 

I think it is a pretty standard question to ask about hearing voices or seeing things that others don't perceive.  I wouldn't be insulted or anything, they're just trying to determine what type of illness they are dealing with.  I do hear and see things from time to time - it happens when I am very tired and stressed.  I have had that experience you described.  It is not usually anything to worry about.  In my case, the explanation offered was due to sleep disturbance.

 

Hope you find some answers, Yuujin!  Thanks for posting your update.

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Hi there - I am just catching up on this thread and wanted to comment on the earlier post about the gut/brain connection and balance of the "good critters". There is a TON of research being done right now on the link between our gut health and mood, brain activity, weight. I posted this in another thread yesterday but I thought you might find it helpful too. There is a lot of research on www.guthealthnews.com that I found helpful. I don't know that probiotics are the sole answer, but as part of an integrated plan for overall health it might be. I've started taking some, and I do think it helps my mood and appetite.

 

I've been on Lexapro off and on, and reading about it, it does seem there is a side effect of a lack of motivation - that might be what you have been experiencing. It also might be the switch in meds. Sometimes it takes awhile to know if they are really helping. But you are on the right track with investigating other options and getting professional help! Keep us posted on your progress!

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Thanks for the replies.

There was one thing I forgot to mention previously. Few weeks ago I had like a, break down or something. I don't even know what to call it. I wouldn't say I cry much, I probably haven't cried more than a couple times in the past couple years (even if I feel I want to). But this time, I was driving home and just started crying out of nowhere. I wasn't even thinking about anything at the time to trigger it, it just happened. I just pulled over and sat in my car for about an hour maybe more. I'm kind of worried because, it just came out of nowhere. I don't know if it will happen again, and when/if it does...I just hope I'm not at work or in class. Then a week ago, I had something else. I didn't cry, or anything like that. I just felt super anxious all of a sudden. I felt tense and rushed like I was going to implode.

 

I read a few things at gutheathnews.com and it was pretty interesting. I never really knew what probiotics were until I checked that site out. I might bring some things up with my gut doctor next time to hear his thoughts on it.  A lot of my poor diet is mostly just, I don't have the energy or I'm too lazy to bother cooking or eating/drinking healthy. 

 

When my next appointment comes around I'll keep what you said in mind about getting the ball rolling. I'll just try and follow their lead for now and go at their pace. The place I am going is part of the university I go to. I've been told that often those establishments with universities are not very reliable but...I highly doubt I could afford to go anywhere else. Still hoping my insurance is enough for where I'm at now.

 

Also I did a little reading about voices since I was curious. I did read that some people do experience it when they are tired and stressed which makes sense. What I also read was that about 5% of all children hear voices, but 60% of them lose the voices as they grow up. And those that still have them aren't necessarily schizophrenic.

 

I will probably update again in a month or so with either "yay effexor is working" or "switching meds again". And with anything interesting from the therapy.

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I agree with a lot of the suggestions above and hope that your doctor will be able to help.  People are always suggesting hobbies and finding different passions to help fill your time when you are alone with your thoughts.  I am not a very passionate person but I really enjoy reading a good novel with great characters that you can relate to, and it helps fill the time.  I'e been doing yoga this year too and have found it to be so helpful for my peace of mind, I would try that if you have any interest in yoga and meditation, it helps you to accept yourself as you are and be comfortable with yourself, inside and out. :)

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  • 3 weeks later...

Small update.

 

Student therapist at cheap clinic at my university suggested I go to this other clinic for more expensive therapy (also students apparently, but more advanced I guess). She said they would give me a call by the end of the week to schedule appointments.

 

Haven't had a call or email or any word from either therapist and it's been almost 2 weeks.

 

Medication still not really helping. But most side effects are either gone or I have gotten used to them.

 

I'm going climbing again tomorrow so hopefully that side effect has mostly passed. I still get light headed, and I bleed SUPER easy. Like, maybe 3-4 nose bleeds a week just from being in the shower with steam. The other night I woke up from my nose bleeding in the middle of the night and there was blood all over my bed. It's not that bad but, still feels weird to get a cut or something and it just doesn't stop bleeding for a while.

Meditation wise, I've tried some things and am looking other things. For the most part I feel incapable of meditation, I can't stop thinking or be blank of mind. My friend said it's more of thinking something, acknowledging the thought, and letting it pass. But idk, no matter how many times I've tried I just can't.

Never tried Yoga but I have done similar things that, were enjoyable but not really relaxing like meditation. A friend of mine just introduced me to binaural beats. Listening to like Apha, Beta, Theta, or Gamma waves. They supposedly can effect your mood and increase brain functionality in certain ways depending on what ones you listen to. They are also used in meditation but I haven't tried it yet. Apparently big area of study right now but has some controversial properties.

http://jetcityorange.com/binaural-beats/is the link he gave me.  Delta waves are good for deep dreamless sleep and unconsciousness. Theta is good for deep meditation, non-REM sleep, very relaxing. Alpha is wakeful relaxation, drowsiness, REM sleep. Beta is active concentration, arousal, paranoia. And Gamma is high-level mental activity, problem solving. Gamma supposedly good for studying, playing video games, high concentration stuff.

Don't think I've done it enough yet to be able to tell you if it works or not, but thought I might bring it up.
 

Random side note. I found my 5 year old perfectly healthy cat dead in my backyard last Sunday. No blood or any cause of death I could tell. Got him Cremated today. Maybe he got clipped by a car and went to the backyard. Which also seems weird since he's an outside cat and is no stranger to traffic.

Also still looking for some campari. Hesitant to buy some because it looks expensive and I don't want it to go to waste. Might split it with a friend.

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Hi Yuujin,

 

First of all, I am so sorry to hear about your cat.  That is really awful to lose a pet.  My deepest condolences to you.

 

Those nose bleeds must be disturbing!  Would you mind asking about that?  Maybe the meds are not right for you. 

 

hmmm, Campari!  It is not the best tasting stuff around.  Maybe just order a campari and soda (with a big slice of citrus to counteract the taste) when you are out sometime instead of investing in something you may not like at all.  It is viscous and bitter, so it's an acquired taste.  Personally I like it but you're right, a whole bottle is pricey and maybe a taste test would be the way to go.

 

You know, don't worry about trying to stop thinking or making your mind blank trying to meditate.  The way I understand it (at least as far as 'mindfulness meditation' goes), all you need to do is focus on your breathing and whenever your mind wanders, just calmly bring it back to your breathing.  Minds think and there's not much you can do about.  One of those blessing/curse things, I guess.  Some days my mind seems loud and noisy and just all over the place and I feel like I am chasing it around.  Other days it sneaks off to think and i hardly notice it's gone - but it is gone!  Minds always think.  Just keep gently bringing focus back to your breathing, time after time after time.  Some days are much easier than others.

 

Thanks for the link to the binaural beats.  I've heard of it before but don't know anything about it. 

 

I see you posted something else elsewhere & will go have a look at it now.

 

Again, Yuujin, I am so sorry for your loss.

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I've only just read this thread, so a bit late on the game but I really empathize with your situation. I often have that feeling of wanting to die but with no intention to commit suicide, some days I would wake up and it would be the first thought to enter my head. However I've opted for cognitive behavioral therapy instead of meds. It's really helped me, I'm not like 100% better or anything but I think about it less and now remind myself when I think 'I want to die' that no I do not really mean that. So I would try and persevere with finding some therapy/counselling if you can.

 

I also find that I care more about other people than they do of me. In time I've tried to lower my expectation, though sometimes it still makes me angry the lack of reciprocation. Yet I've kind of resigned myself to it. I've also been terrified of being alone with my thoughts, I used to have a constant incessant inner monologue of how I was a failure, how I wasn't good enough, how I wanted/needed to die. This is also something that has reduced in time with therapy. I used to think going over things in my head would help me to find an answer or peace or whatever, then I realised it was making it so much worse. Try to reason with your thoughts, is this beneficial to be thinking this, does it really help me. I know it sounds ridiculous that simple things like this could help, believe me I was so skeptical when I started, but it really has.

 

I hope this has been in someway useful and I wish you well.

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I'll see what I can do about the campari. I've heard it is bitter but, I usually tend to like bitter things.

 

Maybe I'll try the meditation again, and this time with the beats.

 

I do want to die. I really do. I really really really really want. But that goes back to the caring for others more than myself thing (not always getting care back). There are certain people who would be upset if I died, and I'd rather live an empty husk to keep them happy then to die and make them unhappy. My former Japanese professor who is one of my closest friends told me "you can't die because I'm selfish and I need my students". We recently had a small discussion where I explained what "needy" means, like describing someone as needy (because she didn't understand). So I thought her saying that in that way was fairly humorous.

 

I'm trying to get this therapy thing going but, having some complications. Clinic I go to is basically free because I have no money, and they don't seem to really care if I'm there or not or if I get any better. I'm just another student feeling a bit down who's passing through the universities health center.

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Update time. A real one this time.

 

Spoke with psychiatrist again today. He told me to stop effexor right away and start duloxetine 60mg. Which he said is about the strongest thing he's got for me. So I guess I just hope this one works since there's not much else...

 

Well if this one doesn't cause me to lose feeling in my arms or get super dizzy I guess it's an upgrade from effexor. I'm also stoked to partially OD on a new medication again since that was so much fun the first time! (my insurance wouldn't let me do a lower dose. Actually I waited in the pharmacy for almost 2 hours waiting for my insurance to approve literally anything duloxetine).

 

To correct myself from what I said in the previous post. I do want to live, I would love nothing more than to live happily. But if that's not a possibility I would really prefer death, even though it is impossible since I am 'needed' supposedly.

 

Still no call from therapy. I was going to check local liquor store for campari but uh money is something I don't have a lot of right now.

Not sure what else to do from here.

Oh ya, anyone ever get like, extreme nightmares after taking some medication? Last night I don't even remember my dreams but I wasn't even like...asleep. I was asleep, but I was in my bed I could tell. Every like 60s a wave of shear terror would overcome my body and I would lay there paralyzed screaming (trying to but not making any noise). I swear I was awake, but I was also dreaming in a sense, it was weird. I've never had that before, ever. I don't think I even had that as a young kid.

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I hope the duloxetine works for you!  I took it for quite a while and found it helpful.  I had weird digestive effects from it though and hope you will be side-effect free.  All I can say is I am glad pants were so low-waisted at the time - BLOAT-o-rama!  Ridiculously bloated at the start and with every dosage change. 

 

hmm, that sounds like sleep paralysis you had.  I've heard it is very scary.  Was this with the duloxetine or effexor?  If it happens again, you might want to check in with your dr or pharmacist. 

 

Hope you hear from the therapy ppl soon.

 

p.s.  can you remind me why you are thinking of Campari?  is it for digestion? 

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Campari to encourage appetite. Help me eat since I am so skinny. I actually very much like bitter alcohol and other things like alcohol. A friend of mine also wants to try it out. I should just buy some already lol, last several posts I've said I was going to or planning on it. I get paid tomorrow so maybe I'll get some.

 

I hope duloxetine works too. The sleep paralysis was before I started duloxetine, when I was just on effexor and only happened once (last night). It was scary but, almost like a dream I don't really remember it much anymore, even though it was very vivid and very much real.

 

Also I heard about the digestion problems with duloxetine so if it is really bad I might start taking more glyccoplrolate or whatever it's called. I already take it daily for my stomach problems, taking more won't hurt (it's just super drying). I also have some other things that might help (just over the counter).

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Do you have "IBS"?  I was unable to gain weight, even eating 4000-5000 calories a day with up to 9 meals a day, eating non stop.  Never once did I make it past 135lb 5'11", even while lifting heavy weights 3 to 4 times a week for 3 years.  I also have "IBS" which actually turned out to be a roundworm infection, that I still have not had properly treated. Doctor's successfully ignored and dismissed all my symptoms spanning 8 years or more as "just IBS", or "just anxiety" or "just depression".  Just consider the possibility of parasites as a cause to your digestive problems as well as malnutrtion, digestion problems and inability to gain weight.  The problem is that doctor's keep reciting the mantra that all parasites are only 3rd world issues when in reality the problem is quite common.  As a result, it is not even on their radar.  

 

The tests are extremely inaccurate, stool, blood, liver enzymes, and doctors tend to rely on these innaccurate tests as if they were the gospel while completely ignoring your symptoms and chalking your problems up to "just IBS", a mystery diagnosis.  It wasn't until I dropped a worm off on my doctor's desk that he finally believed me and stopped relying on his inaccurate bs tests.  He was the end of a long line of doctors I had sought help for for this issue, dozens of doctors.  Just consider the possibility, because it is likely never crossed your doctor's mind.

Edited by NC86
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