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littlesongbird

Please Help Me - Constant Worrying

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I truly need some help here. I am experiencing constant worrying. I have lost a friendship about 2 years ago. She moved an hour away, got married and had babies. Her sister just got married this Saturday. I only know this because it is on the internet. I keep obsessing about the friendship and feeling guilty for not staying in better contact with her.. However, I have stopped talking to her many times through the course of the friendship and I don't feel like it would be right to contact her again. I do not see a solution on how to get me to stop worrying about this though. It's like I just want to feel OK and stop worrying. I can't concentrate at work and I can't sleep right.

 

Secondly, there is this guy who lives two hours away that I like talking to, but I think he may live too far to date. Also, I met him when I was with my ex-friend. So I lump all of this together with my worrying. I feel like since I am not friends with her anymore that I can't date him because I feel like she should know.  And also he reminds me of the past.

 

I feel guilty and regret about things in the past. These people are from the past. I would like to move on because of all this worry / anxiety I am experiencing.

But, then I look around and I don't have anyone else. I have one other friend.

Edited by littlesongbird

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I have had this experience many times in my life and as I have gotten older I have come up with a rule.  I make an effort to get in touch with them personally.  And by personally I mean in person or a phone call, not an email or text.  I want to see them or hear them, this was I know I made the attempt and they were on the other end of it.  That being said, if they never call me again or try to maintain our friendship I let it go.  I don't do anything drastic like block them on Facebook, just move them to the list of people I am indifferent too.  Why do I do this?  I know I made an attempt to contact them and keep the friendship going, if they did not, it is not my fault if they do not contact me.  I cannot force them to be my friend.  I have around 5 people on that list now, two I have known since the 2nd Grade.

 

In my experience; two hours away is not too far away and it would not matter to me that I met the person through someone I no longer keep in contact with.

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The problem is my anxiety stops me. I feel so much pressure in regards to dating him and then yes, I would like to contact my friend again - but - I most likely have hurt her by not speaking to her 100 times. At some point, I feel like I need to take responsibility for my own actions and STOP contacting her because it always ends up the same way.

 

Of course I could date him without her knowing, but since he lives so far - it feels like such a big deal to me. I guess I have been sheltered too much. And I feel like meeting up with him is a huge deal.

 

Yes, I like him....but praticallly speaking I have a hard time making plans with my friend who lives 10 minutes away.

 

I have social anxiety. So,  when you combine all these factors together....it makes me freak out. The driving, the planning, i think of my old friend, i think back when i met him and didnt feel anything. i am scared of that happening again. I don't want to hurt him and I feel like I am too deep in this now all because I am lonley and wanted someone to talk to. I can't tell if I like him or not since I havent seen him./...but seeing him is so risky to me. I know I could jsut take the risk and I would if it wasnt so hard for me. Regardless what anyone says 2 hours is far for me. 1 hour is even far. I get anxiety about driving. I havent driven very far ever.

 

Even if he came too see me, I am not sure how that would go. I live with my parents. It sort of feels like I will hang out with him and it will be a huge deal since it will have to be a whole weekend.

 

He did mention meeting halfway, but I am not good at planning and then I would have to drive him because right now he cant drive because of a DUI - which is a whole other story in itself.

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Hello, littlesongbird:

 

Even though I don't know you, I do care that you feel like you are losing it and losing your mind.

 

Maybe you are losing your mind, just a little bit and just for today!  I know I've had many days like that!

 

Your post describes some general problems and some specific problems.

 

Your general problems are that you have social anxiety, obsessive worrying, and regret about the past.

 

Your specific problems are dealing with the end of your former friendship, and making a decision about dating the guy you mentioned.

 

Actually, you already know the answer for both of your specific problems, as indicated by your own words.  We just need to help you move forward with those answers.  Based on what you wrote, below is what you really want to do, and therefore it's what you should do, because it's what you want:

 

accept that the former friendship is done, don't call her, don't think about her, and don't think about your past friendship.  It's over. 

 

accept that the guy lives too far from you to be "dating material" and forget about dating him.

 

So, I'm guessing that you've already had some therapy to teach you coping skills when your thoughts become obsessive, when worry overcomes you. 

 

What were the coping skills that you already learned to shut a topic out of your mind?

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I can't really advise you on your friendship, but the boyfriend issue...  First, I agree on what Purist said.  The boyfriend is a different issue.  Locally there's a car dealership ad which says "we're only three minutes away at 360 mph!"  That's about 17 miles actual distance.  Somehow I doubt if you'd be driving that fast, LOL.

 

Unless you just wanted just a casual friendship, to me two hours away is quite a distance.  For me, the definition of dating is being able to see each other at the last minute or spur of the moment.  Unless you drive by there (way to work or whatever), I think about a half hour away would be about the max for dating someone.  Being a non-drinker and bad experience with alcoholics (not to say he is one), but his getting a DUI would also raise a red flag to me.

 

Finding someone to date or someone special IS TOUGH (I've been trying for years, also have anxiety and am tired of being alone).  But you need to set limitations as well and don't back down from them.  Sure there are some personality traits you can compromise on (you're a reader, he barely knows what a library is and stuff like that), but if you're not a drinker and he likes loud bars, that you wouldn't want to "settle" for.  There's a girl who I've been corresponding for about a year with who only lives across the tracks.  She's a non-smoker, won't tolerate it, and we haven't even met - but we get along great in emails.  But smoking is one of her priorities she won't back down on and that's her decision.

 

But again, the distance is a factor (or would be for me).  Seeing him on occasion or becoming good friends would be okay, but dating would be extremely difficult.  Hate to burst your bubble on that, but that's the way I see it.

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I feel like I am losing it. Like I am losing my mind. And no one cares.

 

Well, for what it's worth: I do not know you, I have never seen you or talked to you.  But you are a fellow human being in pain, so I care.  If you need to talk to someone message me.

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