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fearispower

Don't Want To Be Me Anymore

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If I could have anything, I would trade the life I have for anyone else's. I'm a twenty-year old going into my second year of college. I actually transferred down from university to community college, because I hated the university's program. So now I feel like ###### about that.

I'm living in a  nice townhouse with three other guys. I can't talk to them, because I have nothing to say, and they're all older than me. I have no other friends, because I don't do anything. In my spare time, all I do is watch videos on the internet, read/write fanfiction, and go running. I can't tell people about my fanfiction, because then they'll call me a freak, and I don't have any money for video-making equipment. I have no hobbies, and no accomplishments, so anytime I try to talk to someone, I want to **** myself because they're better than me, and I can never make my self spend time with anyone outside of class. I don't know what people do outside of class.

I have no job. I've applied everywhere and gotten one interview, which I'm not even sure I'll get the job for. The only time I ever had a real job was when I was eighteen, and that lasted for one year. Everyone I know has a really good job like running their own auto shop at, like, eighteen. I have no marketable skills for something like that. My father's been paying my rent, and I feel like ###### because of that.

I've felt this was since high school. All I did, every day, was go to school, go home, and do my homework, except during track and cross country season for two years, but even then, I never made varsity. I was completely invisible, and nobody would've cared if I died. The only time I ever got close to a girl was with my best friend, and she rejected me, because she didn't want a boyfriend. This would've been fine, but she wouldn't go to dances with me more than once. I tried everyone I knew, every casual acquaintance, but they all said no. Someone actually told me they were waiting for their friend to ask them. So I couldn't go or I'd be humiliated.

My mother is no help to me anymore. All she'd ever tell me was that she thought I was special. She doesn't understand that that doesn't mean anything to me. She doesn't understand that nobody else will care about me just because, like her.

I want so badly to change, so I can be like other people, but I can't. I have no motivation to change anything, and my medication doesn't help. I don't want to die, but I don't want to live like this anymore. I tried to commit suicide once, but I couldn't do it. I've tried to reach out before, on social anxiety support, but no one would reply. If anyone has any suggestions, please.

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Hello, Fearispower.

 

Suffering from something like depression can cause us to feel very badly about ourselves.  I want you to know that when you have thoughts like "nobody would care if I died", it is the depression talking, not you.  Don't believe these thoughts.  You need to fight back!  Tell yourself, "I am valuable.  Many people care about me, like my father.  He cares so much that he helps me pay my rent".  Writing down your negative thoughts and then writing down positive responses would be helpful.

 

Also, you need to try your best not to compare yourselves to others.  You need to be yourself, not anyone else.  You say you have no hobbies, but then say that you enjoy writing fanfiction.  This is nothing to be ashamed of!  If somebody calls you a freak for liking it, they are not worth your time.  You will find people that also share this interest, you just need to keep looking.

 

I hope that by posting about your situation you have found some relief.  I also hope that you find some helpful tips and advice on here.  Keep reaching out and you will continue to feel better. 

Edited by Jules19

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Welcome to DF, fearispower.  :hugs:   Please don't do anything to hurt yourself.  You are so young, and have so much ahead of you.  I know it's hard to see that right now.  Jules is right, depression can cause us to feel pretty badly about ourselves.  You are worthwhile, and have more talent than you realize. 

 

I write fan fiction too.  Being able to write is a gift, and it doesn't make you a freak by any means.  To have that fire and imagination, and create a new world, or expand on an existing one, is amazing. 

 

Jules is also right about not comparing yourself to others.  You are your own person, and no one can do things the way you do.  When you say someone has their own auto body shop at the age of eighteen, my first thought is that 'Daddy gave it to them,' or 'It's the family business.'  Either way, they had help. 

 

You have just as much talent as anyone else, and you do have marketable skills.  Have you considered taking a course on how to do job interviews?  I took one in my late twenties.  They showed us how to fill out a resume, & helped us practice for real interviews.  Not many programs do that, but it might help you to see what you have to offer, and know how to present yourself. 

 

You are an amazing young man, and you have a lot to offer.  I know that's hard to see right now.  I hope you find the encouragement and support here on DF that you are looking for. 

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Hello, there! I’m so sorry you feel this way. Depression is a very complex issue that deserves personal and in-depth attention. Do you think it might be helpful if you speak to a counselor? You may also find this book helpful: Walking on Water When You Feel Like You're Drowning: Finding Hope in Life's Darkest Moments by Tommy Nelson and Steve Leavitt. Is there a youth group or a support group in your area? What about joining a health club so you could make some friends? Making some running buddies is a good idea, too. I will be praying for you that God will fill you with love, comfort and strength. Hang in there!

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Don't know what to suggest, but I want to not be me anymore as well. Not that there was much in "me". There's no personality or emotion left, I'm just an empty shell. So I try create a "new me", to start over. I change my name, I change my natural expression, hair, style,  posture, what I can really.. Not sure if that's healthy but meh. I feel like I already did **** myself.

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 I was completely invisible, and nobody would've cared if I died.

I know how this feels. It is lonely, painful, and sad. I used to hide in the art room or the library in school because every time I would try and interact with someone I was laughed at or avoided. In my entire 4 years of high school and 4 years of college I never entered the cafeteria. Playing invisible is a good way to avoid being hurt by other people, but you just end up being hurt by yourself. I hope you find some relief. 

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Nobody is better or worse than anyone else. We can all choose which path to take. Perhaps people look at you like they think they're superior. This happens if you have a nervous character.

But they aren't better. in fact they're arseholes to feed off peoples fear just for a power trip.

Why would you want to be like them? Ok, some ‘normals‘ are ok but a lot of them aren't.

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