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dysect

Been Stuck In A Rut And I Don't Know How To Get Out Of It.

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I've always been somewhat depressed as far as I can remember. I guess around junior high is when depression and anxiety started to creep in and it had to do with the fact I was way too sensitive of a person. You see, I'm an ugly guy....just physically. I like to think I have a good personality. I have this ability to make people laugh and they tend to enjoy being around me based on that especially once they get to know me. Anyway, back to junior high...it wasn't until then when I realized I was ugly because I would have to be under constant verbal abuse thoughout my day every day at school. It followed me till high school and I'm sure it would continue on to college if I still had the motivation to continue my education. People would always tell me to ignore the comments but it's pretty damn hard to do being so sensitive about it and having to deal with it constantly. It was so bad that it became hard to focus on my schoolwork. All I can think about is how the people around me must think I'm ugly...that was all I had on my mind 24/7 and because of that I only barely graduated. So no, I didn't even have the good grades to be accepted to any college anyway, they were fairly average but I'm sure if my head was focused I would have done much better. I thought being sensitive about the way I look and also my height(I'm only 5'6) would be just a phase I thought I would get over by the time I became an adult. To this day...it still affects my life(I'm 27 now). I feel like my mental state hasn't progressed since high school.

 

So yeah, I constantly focus on the way I look and how I make poor first impressions because of my face. It's the reason why I work in dead end jobs and never go out and don't have any friends. I have no motivation to go to school and get a better job and I have no motivation to socialize. The cherry on top of all of this is that I have a younger brother who is taller than me, athletic, and handsome. He gets all the attention and all the girls and it kills me inside. I don't want to hear about how beauty fades and it's the inside that counts, those words have never meant anything to me because it definitely isn't the case for me in particular. Maybe if I looked somewhat normal, but alas, I look abnormal and it throws people off...I can tell by the way they first react after meeting me. I have more to say from things like where I work and the way all the female coworkers interact with me but I'll leave that for another time.

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dysect, welcome! 

 

I am sorry to hear about how you have been treated.  ppl can be really cruel.  Junior high and high school seem like breeding grounds for cruelty.  I have also been really distracted from what I want to do b/c I have felt abnormal looking.  I really don't know what to say except that I feel for you.  It's a terrible place to be in.  Have you ever been to a counsellor to talk about things?  Sometimes that can help.

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I can really relate to your post in regards to how you view yourself, as I also struggle with my self-esteem when it comes to my physical appearance. I currently struggle with my weight, therefore I feel like an ugly loser because of it. However, with that being said I know this isn’t true as my depression can paint a false sense of reality, thus it can be very misleading. Therefore, I hope this wonderful forum gives you the help and support you need to battle your depression.

 

P.S. If you ever want to talk feel free to message me anytime.

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