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Diagnosed At Age 2-3 For Adhd, Now 35 And Life Is A Complete Mess.


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I just can't get past my slump.  I've had alot, ALOT, of issues.  I've lived a pretty s***ty life.  I failed college, nearly failed highschool, can't hold a job, no friends, no relationships, family/home life is horrible.  Things just seem to continuously get worse.  Fear overwhelms me, no one understands my situation they "say" they do, but then turn around and screw me over.  People don't have patience.  On top I'm a Christian and people give me for not following their Christian advice, put your faith solely on God.  But when you feel overwhelmed with anything and everything you do, how do you deal with it?  I can't even IDENTIFY some of the feelings I have.  I've tried putting it in God's hands.  I've tried getting a job, lasted 3 days last year.  I have less and less drive, less motivation and it just keeps getting worse.  I hate living I really do, now don't get me wrong I'm against suicide and WILL NOT CONDONE IT IN ANY FORM.  Thank that solely on my belief in Christianity.  But I can't stand living, my philosophy in life is, You're born life sucks and you die.  I suck at everything I try to do.  I play video games all the time, I suck at them.  I tried getting a job, I sucked at it no matter how long I was on the job.  I can't stand it.  I can't stand people turning their back on me.  Physical/mental/emotional abuse every since I was born.  All I can remember is people screwing me over.  Family, friends, strangers, teachers, students.  I can't put it out of my head.  i relive alot of it in dreams, and everytime someone gives me even slightly.  No one wants to stick around and it hurts so bad I can't even put it in words.  

 

Pretty sad, my therapist says my fight-or-flight brain is permanently swtiched on.  So when someone even remotely hints at anything, I take it as they are out to get me.  Not so much in a paranoia type way, but I fully anticipate them to screw me over.  I go into overanalyzation mode and I catch myself doing it ALOT.  I mean some guy could look at me funny, and IMMEDIATLY I'm thinking he's out to get me in some way, and I go through entire scenarios in my head usually ending in me cursing him out or physical confrontation.  I hate it, it's driving me nuts.  I honestly feel like i'm going to go through my entire life like this.  Single, alone, treated like garbage all the time.  This sucks.

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Oh no, I've been in that headspace too (and sometimes drop back into it a little) and I get it. It's very hellish. On the outside it looks to other people like you're just being lazy but inside, everything is too overwhelming and too much too handle. My therapist said the exact same thing about my "fight-or-flight" system being on a lot when I was in that situation, myself.

 

Something that's helped me is to go back to basics. Don't worry how selfish it looks to other people as you go over this checklist. You don't have to explain yourself to anyone. Simply remind yourself that in order to be at your full potential, you have to make sure you're healthy enough, both in mind and body.

 

Are you getting enough sleep to keep memory up and stress levels down? Are you eating well (whole, natural foods-- not heavily processed or sugary ones)? Do you exercise? If not, concentrate on only these things for a few weeks to a month. If you're already taking care of yourself in this way, OR once you've been doing so for at least a couple of weeks, reevaluate how you feel (you won't be cured by any means but hopefully anxiety levels will have dropped to a more manageable level). Think about how your treatment (therapy/medication) is working for you, and talk to your doc/psych about any adjustments you might want to make, such as a reduced dose of stimulant medication (or switching to a non-stimulant ADHD med) and/or more work on dealing with rumination/intrusive thoughts.

  1. Physical self care (adequate food, sleep, exercise)
  2. Adjust treatment (with doc/psych)
  3. Evaluate goals (with psych/ADHD or career coach/loved ones)
  4. Plan goals (again with outside help as necessary)
  5. Work toward goals (small, manageable increments)

Write your plan down in big letters and stick it up on the wall somewhere you can see it often.

 

In my case I'm waiting to be diagnosed with ADHD myself, but I've been hyperfocusing on researching the heck out of it, now that I've largely gotten my anxiety and depression down to a manageable level.

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I don't sleep right.  I have partial insomnia.  Mostly due to my grandma being sick for the last 8 monthes.  She had a heartattack last dec. 24th.  Every since then she has needed to be taken care of.  She wormed her way into our home many years ago with her husband, my step grandfather, and when my step grandfather died my brother got designated to take care of her full time.  Lets just say it's been hellish stress since not just for me but it's been particularly hard on me due to my issues.  What doesn't help is my mother has alot of similar issues to me and we don't get along.  I don't want to get into what my mother has done to me but she's done some nasty ###### to me.

 

Anyway:

 

1: my eating habits are atrocious, I do not sleep well, I get 0 exercise.  I have 0 motivation at all.  I don't even bath right.  I sometimes go weeks without bathing cause I'm so depressed.

2:  I've been seeing therapists since I was 3 years old.  I don't trust them.  Far as anything goes I don't trust anyone around me.  My own family is the worst.  I have no friends either and the 2 "friends" I had don't even contact me anymore

3. Due to my ADHD as wel as physical restlessness anything I do is like a overyl difficult chore and annoying and boring and etc... etc...

4. Once again due to my grandmother needing care a goal plan goes out the window.

5. read #4

 

i'm currently waiting to see a psychiatrist.  I don't harbor much hope as i've been on many different medications, most I can't even remember then name to.

 

The physical restlesness gets so bad, I get so agitated, irritated and nervous being around people outside of my room/comfort zone, that I don't even bother going out anymore unless I need something.  Most of the time I only eat one big meal a day.  My family doesn't understand me, and so I feel alone trapped and vulnerable.

 

PS. forgot to mention I've been like this for over 10 years now.  Things have just degraded so far that I feel like life is meaningless and I have no purpose in life.  I can't stand dealing with the pain and I don't want to remain alive.  I don't harbor thoughts of suicide but I can't stand living either.

Edited by octopus_pancake
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Hi, I'm sorry I took a while to reply. (Love your username though. I didn't get to say that before!)

 

I'm sorry to hear of your grandmother's state of health. It's good of your family to take care of her. I am also a caregiver to my own mother, so I can relate to your sibling's stress levels being high and that this might also cause problems for you. I know most people don't really get how difficult it can be to care for a disabled adult relative, and that's part of why we end up here, isn't it? I also have had trouble dealing with my mother incidentally (which doesn't help the caregiver/recipient relationship!), so I might be able to relate to your problems with your own, if you want to talk about it.

 

I suspected insomnia might be involved (since it also was for me). I find in order to keep decent sleep habits, I have to start with going to bed at a reasonable time (for me, between 9:30-10:30 at night is good), keep out any light (especially electronic devices of all kinds), and if it's really bad I might wear a face mask. Then there's the option of taking something orally, but the only thing I use is herbal tea (with real licorice root, or chamomille). If necessary-- including in the middle of the night-- I'll make an exception to use earphones and listen to an ASMR video while lying in bed. Have you heard of ASMR? Even if you don't get actual tingles, ASMR recordings can be very relaxing. They definitely put me to sleep. (A lot of people use ASMR for anxiety, depression, and insomnia actually.) If you haven't already, maybe try it? You might want to start with a "trigger finder" video on Youtube, if it's new to you.

 

Anyway:

 

1: my eating habits are atrocious, I do not sleep well, I get 0 exercise.  I have 0 motivation at all.  I don't even bath right.  I sometimes go weeks without bathing cause I'm so depressed.

2:  I've been seeing therapists since I was 3 years old.  I don't trust them.  Far as anything goes I don't trust anyone around me.  My own family is the worst.  I have no friends either and the 2 "friends" I had don't even contact me anymore

3. Due to my ADHD as wel as physical restlessness anything I do is like a overyl difficult chore and annoying and boring and etc... etc...

4. Once again due to my grandmother needing care a goal plan goes out the window.

5. read #4

 

i'm currently waiting to see a psychiatrist.  I don't harbor much hope as i've been on many different medications, most I can't even remember then name to.

 

The physical restlesness gets so bad, I get so agitated, irritated and nervous being around people outside of my room/comfort zone, that I don't even bother going out anymore unless I need something.  Most of the time I only eat one big meal a day.  My family doesn't understand me, and so I feel alone trapped and vulnerable.

 

PS. forgot to mention I've been like this for over 10 years now.  Things have just degraded so far that I feel like life is meaningless and I have no purpose in life.  I can't stand dealing with the pain and I don't want to remain alive.  I don't harbor thoughts of suicide but I can't stand living either.

 

Sounds like it's been rough. I can really relate to all of this too, except for seeing psychiatrists from a young age. My first psych (as opposed to therapist/counsellor/getting meds from a medical doctor) visit is coming up in a month or so. So I haven't been like this for 10 years, but it's definitely been a few for me too, and I'm not getting any younger.

 

I found some relief though, by following the steps above. My number one thing in the diet area was to avoid sudden blood sugar spikes/drops by avoiding sugar, but also getting lots of protein  and omega 3s into my diet, as well as beneficial fermented food/drinks like kefir. These things made real, tangible differences in my mood and ability to absorb stress. Right now I'm concentrating on increasing my iron intake though, mostly. Hopefully that will help me get my inattentiveness and working memory problems down to more manageable levels. Do you think you can try any of this? Like I said before, it won't cure your depression but it can make it so much more manageable. I honestly don't care about my (own) depression or lethargy anymore, so much as dealing with my ADHD symptoms as those are really the main things holding me back.

 

If you want, maybe keep updating this thread? Even if I take a few days, I will read it and get back to you!

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