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Just An Observation

The Purist

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Facebook can be a deadly tool if you are depressed.  I watch what I post because I noticed that if you really read between the lines, I sometimes post things that can tip people off regarding what I have been going through.  Looking at other peoples pages can be not such a good thing either.  Has anybody ever noticed that they don't take down reviews for people that have died?  I have a few on my friend list, I do not want to delete them as I feel it still gives me some kind of connection to them, even though they are no longer with us.  But today would have been a good friends birthday had he not drank and drugged himself to death.  I started to wonder if he was better off, I mean it is not like I have done anything this past year.  I don't drink or do drugs though but, in a non linear way, I do things that are just as self destructive. 


I have had a good run you know?  I have loved and been loved.  I was successful and happy at one time.  I was a soldier, a teacher and an engineer.  I traveled around the world.  I had a good education on every level.  I learned to speak, read and write another language.  I had successful careers.  I had awesome girlfriends and made love with beautiful women and men.  I was once good looking and desired.  It wasn't supposed to be like this?  I don't know how is was, "Supposed to be," but it wasn't supposed to be like this.  I am bitter, I am angry and I am restless.  I do not like to talk to people because I either have to lie or let on that I am not doing well, in which case they usually think I am crazy.  I've run out of steam, my original point was going to be - nobody wants to be reminded of what they could have been.


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It's a chilling insight that is difficult for me to deny: Most often I will not mourn the passing of friend or family member, but instead feel a sense of envy.


Connection to others is meaningless unless I am connect with my self. Where has my soul gone? Have I ever had one?


Those are the thoughts that came to mind after reading what you have shared.

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Well I deleted my facebook for a multitude of reasons, some of which you've pointed out. I suppose I was lucky in that I didn't have any deceased friends on mine. That would be hard for me. But generally if my friends are happy, I'm happy for them. I don't really get jealous as such, maybe a little envious, but I wish them the best because I genuinely mean it.

I just find the whole facebook thing so artificial. I miss the days when you'd just hang out with people and catch up. I miss those connections as I seem to have so few today. Plus when I finished a relationship it was over back then. These days with social media you just get it thrown down your throat. The reminder of what it was like is always there - some of my exes even kept photos of us up on their profile. I just can't cope with that.

I'm trying to reconnect with the real world and make real world connections again. Those are the friendships that last.

Edited by SongsOfIceNFire
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