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Aaron maher

New Here, Wanting To Get Things Off My Chest.

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Hey everyone this is probably going to be the longest post ever made but I just want to write everything down and get it out there.

I've been battling with depression on and off for the best part of 5 years now, with no clear reason as to why, the latest spell has been haunting me for around 2 years now. I started off taking citalopram for about 12 months. Then i doubled the dosage and after about 6 months changed to sertraline because I didn't feel any better.

I've been on sertraline and propranolol for about 6 months and I don't feel any better still. I have my good days and bad days, but more bad than good.

I have difficulty falling asleep, my brain over thinks everything and I can't switch off, I worry about everything even tho I know it wont change anything. I am a very secretive person in the sense that I don't open up to people even my wife to be of 7 years. I have always been this way despite being told it's not healthy!

I have no concentration in anything, I cannot be bothered with anything I don't like going out i don't like interacting I don't like people.

I've tried to have therapy but again I don't like opening up to people.

Its difficult for me because my immediate family notice I'm not myself and when I say I'm feeling down or having a bad day they just say "oh stop worrying about things, Stop thinking about it" etc. However as you will all know its not that simple.

I am so paranoid I feel like everyone is criticising me or judging me everywhere I go. My job is wank and i hate it but I am comfortable at the same time. I dread having to have another interview for another job and meeting new people and having to make relationships with them. Although it may actually help me.

Can't someone just ****ing fix me? I've had enough of it now and want to experience normality.

Thanks for reading.


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Hello Aaron and welcome to the Forums,


     Just read your post and want to tell you how sorry I am that you are going through all this.  Depression is such a brutal illness.  I'm 60 years old and have battled many "terrible" illnesses, but I consider depression to be the worst.  I have been on both citalopram and sertraline.  I was helped by both although I know that they don't work for everyone.  I wish I had some kind of great advice to give,, but sadly I am battling depression one day at a time and those who have not been stricken with it are somewhat clueless about how awful and debilitating it is. 


    That you have battled depression for five years is heroic in my eyes.  I was not helped much by face to face therapy but some of the books I was given to read did help me a lot, especially those written by cognitive behavioral therapists.  Although I can't claim to know you in any sense, I am sure you have done millions of strong, brave, wise and good things in your life and still do although depression may make it impossible to notice those things.  I wish I knew what to say to ease your pain.  My heart goes out to you!


Sincerely,  Epictetus

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Hi Aaron! One thing is for sure, you communicate well!  You are human, we experience all kinds of emotions, it is normal. If something can be resolved. why worry? If it cannot be resolved, why worry? If something can be resolved, then what is the action necessary? If it cannot be resolved then why waste time to place negative energy into it? Many tings can help you sleep better, perhaps this web site can help. http://sleepfoundation.org/sleep-disorders-problems


Evidently you have the people skills to make a marriage work for 7 years, that is longer than most marriages make it. You maintain employment, another positive aspect of your personality, being responsible. No one likes interviews Aaron, we don't like a dentist drilling either, haha.  


Often we  judge ourselves harshly by comparing ourselves to other people whom we think have a normal life. Now tell me, what is normal? Is being rich normal? Is life without sorrow normal? Is being famous normal? Life is about being an individual in a family and community. I am not saying you do not have problems, we all have those. Many compare themselves to others or standards that are unreasonable. Define happy. What makes you happy? What gives you a sense of fulfillment? Many people fight their whole lives to obtain fame and fortune only to find it was not what they really wanted or needed.


Being paranoid is another thing. The American Psychology Association has studies and articles that may prove to be useful to you. Here are two links, http://www.apa.org/topics/personality/disorders-help.aspx   http://psychcentral.com/disorders/paranoid-personality-disorder-symptoms/  


The second link says people are paranoid because of a basic mistrust of others, that is understandable, we all have had issues of being betrayed in life. Hope these links provide answers for you. I wish you well Aaron. 

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Hi Aaron, and welcome to DF.

Glad to have you here, There are a lot of people here who can relate to your struggles with depression and anxiety.

You are not alone.

This site has a lot of good information, as well.

A bit farther down the menu, you will find the Anxiety Panic and PTSD Room, which you may find helpful.

Please make yourself feel at home, take a look around the site, and post wherever you feel comfortable.

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