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*copying my post from the welcome board*


I'm in a relationship with a severely depressed person.  What sucks is that some of the stressors of our relationship (extrovert v introvert,  kids,  moving in etc)  have exacerbated the depression.  To the point where he's self loathing is very apparent.  The part that is difficult for me is that I'm being blamed for it. I'm not innocent...oh hell no, but I keep being told "because of you I hate how I am now".  Part of me is extremely guilty for not reining in my anxiety (divorced a couple of years back---narcissistic neglectful relationship) part of me wants to scream " you're stronger than me---I didn't MAKE YOU DO ANYTHING"  


 


We are in therapy, went for couples therapy, ended up being therapy for him mostly as this therapist deals with addictions as well.  Oh yeah he's a alcoholic....not every day but when he does it's a LOT. 


 


Anyway, I'm just trying to figure out what is him, what is the depression and what is me. 


 


I just read the co-dependency thread that's pinned and I'm seeing a lot of me.  The 3 C's; Can't cause, can't control, can't (and I forgot).  The thing is that he says I DID cause it.   His depression, his weight gain, his lifting (bodybuilder) have all been completely throttled by me.  So ja I want to fix it because I broke it.  But that seems to be in conflict with trying to break the co-dependency model


 


Sorry for the disjointed post.  I'm really really lost


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No one is in a relationship to be responsible for fixing the other person. I am sorry you are going through this, and you seem to love him a lot, but he also seems to blame you for things he has not right to blame you for. The only thing you can do in life is try to fix yourself, but not by taking blame for what other people feel and how they react to their feelings.

I know this is extremely hard to do, I am very dependent in a relationship too, so it's hard to know when I am overstepping my own healthy boundary or taking upon myself duties that I shouldn't have.

You said that you are in therapy, I hope you can see a therapist that can help you figure out your own values and boundaries, so you can see yourself as a person outside of the relationship.

Lots of luck to you

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Thanks Mrmorty :)   The codependency thing is really throwing me.  I'm no angel here. I was a hot farking mess when we got together.  Divorce wasn't even final and after 17 years of neglect and emotional abuse...,  well I thought I had my together but I didn't.  And he helped me, he really did. But in doing so lost himself. So I am to blame for somethings.  but not all the things

 

I just don't know how to act?  do I bring him in to my day to day life?  Ask him if he wants to do stuff and just be prepared for him to say no?  Or do I just leave him the hell alone until he comes to me

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It's definitely tough being in a relationship with someone who struggles with depression. But I agree that working with a therapist is probably your best option here. And you may want to think about couples counseling again. Hopefully, a counselor could help him understand who's responsible for what in this relationship, as well help you work through any co-dependency issues. I think just having a professional second what you're feeling can go a long way...

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Hi atheos,

 

I wanna make sure I got it right..you guys are living together or going to live together? If so, yea definitely include him in your day to day stuff..just don't take it personally if he doesn't respond how you wish he would.

Best of luck to you. (((hugs)))

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Thanks for the update, atheos. I know it's so hard to hold steady, and hope you'll see changes in him from the therapy.  But it's good he's at least willing to see someone and work on these issues. And, hopefully, the issue of accepting blame will come up in his counseling. But, in the meantime, I'll keep you guys in my thoughts and prayers...

 

 

Hey Gardensparrow

 

Ja the therapist understands but he's working mainly on my boyfriend to get him out of this self hate cycle.  I just have to hold steady for now

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