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sloth

Taking Things In Stride *trigger*

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All my life my parents have always told me to take negative stuff in stride, that "this too shall pass", that it is just small stuff and not worth worrying or getting upset over.  I have been taught to rise above situations, to try to see things for what they really are.  I have heard the same advice from others too.  All good rational advice that is motivational and comforting.

 

But there is a problem.  Some of that negative stuff does not come to pass.  Some of it sticks, and even gets worse.  Not just that, but when something does eventually pass, it is replaced by something different but just as worrisome or upsetting.   And things tend to build on top of each other, sometimes irreversibly.

 

 I have had a bit of a rough day related to business stuff, and it is days like this that really make me feel very sidelined, like what is the freaking point of it all.   I try to do things that are fun and tolerable and try to stay optimistic but today's society does not like people like me.  True, Nobody is really hurting me or forcing me into anything, I still have some freedom, but it is just an ever growing sense that people would not mind one bit if people like me were gone.  In fact many would welcome it.   And society probably would be very slightly worse off without me, so why not just give them what they want and deserve?

 

My dad has told me things in the past, including "life only gets tougher the older you get" and also that "it's always something" meaning there is always some problem to deal with.  Seems to all be true

 

Also the other thing that gets to me is, sure it is always possible to improve stuff but at what cost?  There ought to be some point at which it is a reasonable decision to give up.  I will give an example.  Lets say a person is having trouble dating and is given the advice of others to keep trying, keep messaging on online dating sites, keep practicing socializing, do all of the self improvement stuff.  And the person may actually agree that it will work and they see a little success when carrying out the advice.  But then the person starts to get an idea of what kind of effort is really going to be required to reach their own goals, and it is unreasonably difficult and slow.  If they might have to message 500 girls online just to get a date.  What if it required messaging 1000 girls to meet one they were really compatible with?  or 2000 girls ?  Or if they have to put in many years of consistent exercise to get to a point they find personally satisfactory.  Or if it is possible to have the job or lifestyle they want, but it will literally take many years to make a switch and the person just does not have the energy to put in the effort.  Is there any point at which a depressed person should just be told "it is possible, but rationally just way too much work for you".  

 

No disrespect to anyone on this forum who might be severely disabled, like a quadriplegic or Stephen Hawking-type (i have great admiration for these people actually), or someone who is deaf and blind, etc. but I am always amazed by these people.  They have, by almost any metric, a particularly bad lot in life compared to an average person and, logically speaking, it would probably make more sense to put themselves out of their misery.  Many of these people often say not to pity them because they actually have really good lives and are happy to be alive.  But you know that a good portion of them, if given the choice, would really just prefer to be more normal.   Again i do not want to be taken the wrong way here, i have a lot of respect for these people and their struggle, and even my own struggle-- I am amazed and somewhat dumbfounded that they, and i, keep plowing ahead almost for no reason at all. 

 

 

 

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I keep thinking every day that if just one more really bothersome, or negative thing happens that makes my life more difficult, then i am going to just give up and throw in the towel and that will have been the last straw.

Then the next day rolls around and i am still here doing the same thing, having accepted the new problems or attempting to deal with them. Maybe i am successful, maybe not.

And then i just hate myself more because i feel like i should have thrown in the towel a long time ago and could have saved myself so much hassle but i keep torturing myself anyways

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I want to add something else too. (My frustration today helps me to understand and express my emotions a tiny bit more clearly)

One of the things i feel is that with my business for example (self employed) i often feel like i am sort of always looking for ways to "cut corners" not in a particularly bad or immoral sense but often in ways that are not the standard, easy route that most people take. The way i do this is by spending a lot more time thinking and hunting for pathways still work and offer opportunity. I do this because it seems like when i do it, i am able to stay afloat and survive. Meanwhile i often see other people taking the "regular easy" route and they usually end up failing for what seems like obvious reasons to me.

So when i combine all of my various survival "methods", i end up feeling like i am artifically "forcing" myself to stay afloat. By this i mean, i feel like if i were to simply do what any other regular person would do, and take the "regular route" without overthinking anything, then i feel reasonably certain that at a minimum i would have to quit my business because there is no way it could be profitable and achievable. I would have to accept that i am a failure and would not have a way to make ends meet and would not know what to do at that point. So i start to hate myself for trying so hard to keep something afloat that feels like it is begging to sink all the time. Part of me keeps saying "just stop trying, let it sink if that is its natural tendency. No one should have to overthink as much as this just to get by"

Should my life feel like its natural tendency is to fail and that i have to keep it afloat always by pushing it along ? I always envisioned that life should be naturally buoyed upward and you go along for the ride and just try to direct it a little here and there but do not have to worry much about keeping things afloat.

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Hi sloth. I'm sorry I'm not in a place to write a long reply but I just want to say you're definitely not a failure.

I think it is the depression talking.

Girly

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I had started another ill-received thread somewhere, and part of it asked "what is normal?".  If you were to be suddenly "cured" of depression, what do you think your life would be like?

 

And I think you've just hit on several important concepts.  First, I both agree and disagree with your dad.  Yes!  There's always going to be some challenge come your way.  Someone will die.  Something will happen at work.  Your car will quit.  A girl will rebuff your advances.  You'll get sick.  You'll get robbed.  There'll be an argument.  Something.

 

And the normal part is how skillfully you are prepared to respond.  Do you use your tools?  Or do you shy away and let the depression exaggerate the size and nature of the threat?

 

But, no!  Life doesn't get harder the older you get.  You grow to accept more responsibilities, sure.  But at the same time you should also be growing more experienced at handling things.  Your tool kit will get bigger and more robust.  You'll gain knowledge.  You'll be more able to see things coming and steer clear.

 

"Is there any point at which a depressed person should just be told "it is possible, but rationally just way too much work for you"."

 

That question really depends on what "it" is.  A semi-normal life with reasonable responses to emotional stimuli?  Being able to hold onto a decent job and perhaps even move up the food chain a bit?  A steady SO, kids, house, two cars, vacations?  I think in most instances the answer needs to be NO.  Take a look at the examples you listed.  Quadriplegics, deaf and blind and mute, etc...  There are always examples of these folks living pretty normal lives.  Just because there's a lot of work to acquire and maintain a reasonable lifestyle doesn't mean that that work can't be done.  Remember, there are a lot of tools out there, and life is long.

 

(BTW, life reflects nature.  Nothing floats along.  If we don't continue to eat and drink, we die.  If we don't take showers and brush our teeth, we get dirty and germy and sick.  Take a look at the statistics on newly formed companies; MANY fail.  Folks take out loans and second mortgages to keep their companies afloat.  You're doing OK.  Keep persevering the best way you know how, just like the other 7,000,000,000 of us!)

 

Take care!

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Ratboy nice thoughtful response. One thing about what you said at the end. "Nothing floats along.. If we dont eat and drink we die,....Etc"

I guess the thing is that i used to take for granted all the little things that i did in a day, like putting away things that i took out, or keeping things neat and organized. But now i am so much more aware of the fact that just doing Nothing is actually a full time job. What i mean is, i used to be able to plan ahead for my future, and have a social life, and think about bigger more fun stuff in my life. nowadays i have to devote so much energy to the mundane upkeep of everything, including myself just to keep it all running, that there is no more time or energy left for any of the REAL stuff i want to be doing.

All the little things like wiping away dust that has accumulated even if i have not used something recently. And having to make income to pay bills just so that i can sit here in peace and do nothing, let alone go out and spend money on activities or entertainment. And when i am hungry, before i can even eat nowadays i have to put a tremendous amount of energy into grocery shopping, planning what foods to buy, at what price, how to put the foods together, which dishes to use, maybe dishes need to be cleaned just to be able to cook the food. It is endless! All i want to do is have a sandwich so that i can have a full belly so that i can relax and focus on more important stuff like what i want to DO or where i want to GO to actually live my life. But so much time is spent on the preparation and pre-meal that that becomes the main event! There is nothing left in me after i finally eat the meal ! Then the whole process repeats since just to get to eat something else in a few hours i will have to start planning ahead now !

Edited by sloth

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I am not sure. There are times when i feel ok. But even at the high points nowadays i am not that pleased overall and i do not see a lot that can be done to make a big difference in the way thag i want. Then at my low points it just becomes even more clear and is like i can see everything from a bigger broader vantage point and it seems dumb to keep going like this.

If i saw a pathway or multiple pathways that gave me hope and filled me with a sense that things were going to change in a big way and i would feel much better and stronger each day with a real appetite to get out there and live, then i would probably want to do it. But i just dont see it.

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