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Hi, I am a new member and wanted to tell you a little bit about me.

I have suffered from Dysthymia all of my life, I was a melancholic child. I am 46M, married. I spun into a major depression in February of 2014. I was hospitalized in May of 2014 for suicidal ideation and thoughts. I was okay for a little while. However, I lost my job. I managed to get a another job that I was supposed to start in September 2014. However things got worse and worse and towards the end of July I stopped eating and drinking water. I lost 13lbs. I was completely neglecting my ADLs. It was so bad that on a rare occasion when I went out, I fainted and had to be rushed to the hospital due to severe dehydration. In early August I decided that life was not worth living. I got my affairs in order, hatched a plan, felt very happy, made sure I did not tip anybody off; however, I was spotted by two police officers and I was sent back to the hospital for a month.

Now I take a battery of drugs, see a therapist twice a week and psychiatrist once a month. I think I have made some progress but I am still very depressed, the level depends on the day I guess. I have no ambition, no goals, no job, no energy.....no hope? My laziness is appalling. I try but it is just not there. I have a hard time leaving the house. The things I used to enjoy I have no interest in. This has been going on for over a year now. I feel like I am running out of time: my marriage, my career prospects, my family. I know they are all getting frustrated. I am terrified of stress. I used to function at a decent level, I was a High School Teacher and I worked for many years in Information Technology. Now I am so ashamed I took down LinkedIn page and when recruiters were calling I pretended to be my brother and told them I was dead. I feel like my body is breaking down because I don't use it. It is a terrible thing to be a prisoner of your own mind. Anyway, thanks for reading.

Edited by Waffles
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Sigh.  I'm so sorry to hear of your struggles.

 

Have you discussed your present state with your psychiatrist?  I'm assuming he'll want to change up some meds or something if you are having difficulty leaving the house.  You really need to stay on top of your treatments!

 

BTW, there's always hope my friend.  It's a hard road back, but you can certainly get there.  Revisit that ambition/goals thing.  Get some.  Make some.

 

I've been more or less where you are right now - during and after my divorce at age 43.  Have worked my way out of it, for the most part.  Mostly my days are reasonable, with the odd "pity party" thrown in.

 

I wish you the best.  Thanks for reaching out to DF and sharing your story.

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Hi, I am a new member and wanted to tell you a little bit about me.

I have suffered from Dysthymia all of my life, I was a melancholic child. I am 46M, married. I spun into a major depression in February of 2014. I was hospitalized in May of 2014 for suicidal ideation and thoughts. I was okay for a little while. However, I lost my job. I managed to get a another job that I was supposed to start in September 2014. However things got worse and worse and towards the end of July I stopped eating and drinking water. I lost 13lbs. I was completely neglecting my ADLs. It was so bad that on a rare occasion when I went out, I fainted and had to be rushed to the hospital due to severe dehydration. In early August I decided that life was not worth living. I got my affairs in order, hatched a plan, felt very happy, made sure I did not tip anybody off. I was spotted by two police officers and I was sent back to the hospital for a month.

Now I take a battery of drugs, see a therapist twice a week and psychiatrist once a month. I think I have made some progress but I am still very depressed, the level depends on the day I guess. I have no ambition, no goals, no job, no energy.....no hope? My laziness is appalling. I try but it is just not there. I have a hard time leaving the house. The things I used to enjoy I have no interest in. This has been going on for over a year now. I feel like I am running out of time: my marriage, my career prospects, my family. I know they are all getting frustrated. I am terrified of stress. I used to function at a decent level, I was a High School Teacher and I worked for many years in Information Technology. Now I am so ashamed I took down LinkedIn page and when recruiters were calling I pretended to be my brother and told them I was dead. I feel like my body is breaking down because I don't use it. It is a terrible thing to be a prisoner of your own mind. Anyway, thanks for reading.

Welcome, The_Purist. I'm glad you found us here. I can relate to some of what you wrote, as I have "Double Depression" (Major Depressive Disorder + Dysthymia) as well. My symptoms also started in early childhood.

I'm so sorry you're suffering so much right now. It sounds like you've really been through hell and back. Kudos to you for being a High School teacher before things escalated and your depression got severe. Starting late last Fall, I fell into Major Depression during the middle of law school and frequently thought of either ending my life or running away. Not because of law school, but because of my own brain. I ended up taking a medical leave of absence when the semester ended, and felt great shame when I saw any reminders of law - despite the door being open for me whenever I wanted to come back (which looks like January). I could not work, and also felt no pleasure from anything. Socializing felt like some sort of emotional assault. I barely ate.

9-10 months later, I am making some strides. I don't mean to make this about me, only state that things can change even when it feels like they NEVER will. Since, like you, my depression started at a very young age, I am sure that I'll face it again. I'm also still not completely in the clear. I hope you take some of this time to find a therapist you can trust and "click" with if you don't feel that way with your current T, and tinker around with medications to find something that will help. I hope your psychiatrist is a good listener, speaking of medication tinkering!

Right now you don't feel functional at all, and I know not only does depression cause that, it does a GREAT job of letting us beat ourselves up about it. But now isn't forever or permanent. I hope you come here if you ever need to vent or just talk to people who "get it." ((Hugs))

All the best,

Christina

Edited by Waffles
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Welcome to DF, ThePurist!  :hugs:   Ratboy & Christina have some pretty good advice.  Please try to let your therapist know how you are doing so they can help you, & change your meds where needed.  Depression is tough to fight, and you deserve the help you need.  You are not in this alone, Purist.  I know you can make it through this!  Please don't let depression convince you that life is not worth living, because it is.  And it will get better for you.  I hope you are able to find the support and encouragement here that you need and deserve. 

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