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Subconscious Unease With Very Good Things ?

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Does anyone else get this feeling. Sometimes (but not always) it feels like whatever success or positive things happen to me, i subconciously find ways to dismantle or reduce them.

For example i noticed that when i make some money with my business i start to feel... Anxious when money begins to buildup in my account. I do not feel the urge to "waste" the money on stupid things, but i manage to find ways to bring the balance closer to zero, even if it means re-investing the money. It is like i am not clmfortable having the money, like i do not worthy of it somehow. I try to convince myself that I AM worth it, but this only delays the inevitable and increases the anxiety

Similarly i feel uncomfortable when girls actually are attracted to me. Even though i know that i want them to like me, somehow i feel more "at ease" being alone and unwanted. So whenever things go well for me, i manage to destroy it again quickly.

Even with my skin. I cannot go more than a few days with clear skin. My OCD forces me to make it bad again, even if i have to squeeze nonexistent imaginary pimples

Same with my living space. I work really hard everyday to try to keep it clutter-free but there is always some clutter. As soon as i work up the motivation to finally remove ALL of the clutter, then seemingly within hours it begins the process of returning, as if the clutter is the default way of being when it should be the opposite way.

Why am so subconsciously uncomfortable with things truly being successful, good, clean, happy, etc

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OMG! I have often thought of this when it comes to keeping my house clean and clutter free. Somehow I am UNCOMFORTABLE when my house is spotless. After a lot of soul searching and years of questioning this I've come to this conclusion (and yea, I realize it sounds crazy) that when my house is cluttered it feels "normal" because my life is cluttered and disorganized and I'm running around doing 500 things at once but when my house is clean, I realize something is missing, or rather a someone. I'm not usually one to complain about being single, in fact, I don't really mind being single but when my house is really clean.... that's when I miss having someone to share a life with the most. I haven't figured out why but I have figured that much out.

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For me, I think it's because I have not had a lot of positive role models in terms of success. My husband always says I find ways to sabotage myself. But when I've told my therapist what he's said, she looks at me very seriously and questions--do I really believe that?

I used to.

I believe now, it's my learned patterns and brain chemistry ****** me up in my life. For instance, I think clutter is natural unless you have other people picking up after you. I know my house would have some clutter but it would have a lot less if I didn't have a husband. I mean, how much junk mail can you hold on to? For me, it goes right in the recycling bin. Unless it's a credit card application. That gets shredded.

anyway. I learned a lot of stuff from my mom: procrastinating especially. I saw her get away with it and learned I could too when it came to school and to certain things at work.

Also, I learned that unhappiness was a natural state. I have looked at pictures of my childhood--and there's one, where I'm about 11 and my mom took a day off work to spend it with me & my brother. It was a sunny summer day and we went to the American Museum of Natural History. She let us get souvenirs from the gift shop. My memory of that day includes a sense of unease. What did she want from us? Why were my feelings broken up into my consciousness of feeling happy, then whoops--is this happiness? why am I feeling happy? now, why am I unhappy? Am I unhappy that I am examining this whole feeling issue?

And that all comes back to me when I look at that photograph of me & brother sitting on a low wall on Central Park West, in the sun. We're looking at a book he's gotten and I'm wearing a string of blue seed beads that mom bought for me.

Did I subconsciously turn the moment into unhappiness for myself? I don't know...but it seems to me that it's not all my fault. I think it was a turn in my brain chemistry as I approached puberty. It was also the fact that my mom was remarrying soon and we would be moving...I think knowing these things did not bring me any joy, but rather dread that I suppressed, until they came out in subtle ways...

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I can't offer advice since I have the same problem in huge ways, in fact past experiences of several devastating situations that occurred seemingly as a direct result of my taking a great job and moving makes me understand, but have no clue as to fix any of these things.

I have read that being uncomfortable when things go well is a sign of low self esteem, I have always read over and over again extremely accomplished individuals in many fields (science, entertainment, etc) state that he or she often feels like a fraud, like the bottom will drop out and the great things are an illusion etc etc etc.

 

I sometimes think that anxiety is a relic of our survival needs, and that dealing with "getting there", or obtaining something uses up that energy, but "being there" naturally ignites a fear of loss and heightened anxiety in order to "defend" our accomplishment/possession from outsiders, but this anxiety only results in discomfort, and sometime self sabotage.

 

I relate in many ways, and feel for you, and only try to almost continually remind myself that I don't deserve most of the bad, and do deserve the good.....

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