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derpytia

Why Do I Get Treated Like This?

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My mother was the sole person who raised me after she kicked my father out when I was 8 and that's when I first got diagnosed by the court assigned therapist with depression. Nothing was done about it. As I grew up I knew how to deal with it or ignore it. My mom loved me more back then. But things are different now and my depression and anxiety are way out of control and I don't think she actually loves me as much anymore. It's almost as if she sees me as a different person or just a broken thing that she's shackled to to take care of because I'm not financially independent as of yet.

With one breath she will praise me for being a nice person, a caring and smart person. The next she will put me down, tell me that maybe she'll just leave me out on the road and I can find my own way back home or that she'll cancel my medical insurance and let me deal with the government fees. When I ask her to stop saying something or doing something to me because it makes me uncomfortable or makes my thoughts go to a bad place she antagonizes me and threatens to abandon me. She constantly reminds me how much my depression, anxiety, and various health problems (some of them have been lifelong and chronic) cost her and have cost her in the past.

It makes me feel not only like a burden but a horrible person. It makes me want to cry because I love her and I don't want to do that to her. She was supposed to have a nice happy life after all she went through in her childhood and instead she got me and this.

I feel like even though she is being the problem, I feel like I am a problem or THE problem. If only I were healthier, if only I were stronger, if only I were better, then she'd be happy and love me like she used to again. 

I know I'm not the perfect person. I can be lazy sometimes especially on bad days where depression doesn't want to let me get anything accomplished. I have a moment or two everyday where I break down and cry. I sometimes get lonely and emotionally unstable when I wake up in the middle of the night and go ask if she can just give me a real hug or lay with me for awhile because I have no one else. I get frustrated because she has a new dog that I was and am expected to help take care of when I came home this summer and as much as I think the dog is cute, she doesn't always mind and it does make me upset and whenever the dog does something wrong, I get yelled at.

I'm not the perfect daughter by any means but I thought I was okay. Never did drugs, alcohol, never drove incorrectly, never stayed out too late or lied about where I was going. Never had sex or a boyfriend for that matter. I wasn't the best but I think I was okay.

I just don't understand why my mother has to treat me this way. I don't know how I can explain to her that what she does is hurtful and that I really am trying and that it's just really hard day to day and I don't always win my daily battles.

She has caused me a lot of pain and I don't know how to fix it or myself.

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My mother was very much the same, her support was very conditional. The slightest inconvenience for her and she would turn completely cold, even violent at times. She literally asked me once, "Why are you doing this to me?" in response to me being sick. Though her father is a confirmed ******ous psychopath, so I guess she inherited some of his complete lack of empathy. Why I'm glad I no longer live with her, or have any real contact with my family anymore at all.

 

Real love should not be conditional.

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:console:

 

 

My mom was like that as well. If she was ok it was great, but heaven help you if she was in a mood. Mental illness runs hard in my family and yet she denies having any issues. It is hard because you love them and hate them at the same time. Like SenorDomino, I limit contact with my family

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My mother is kind of the opposite, yet just as mental.  She is very nurturing & caring when someone is ill for whatever reason.  But when everything is going normally in life, she is the most miserable, verbally abusive, angry, manic person I have ever met.  It was very confusing for my sister & I.  When we were sick, my mom was great, as any mother should be.  We'd get better & be happy kids again.  Then she'd be calling us ungrateful & worthless & spitting on us.  Screaming that no one ever cares about her.  And when you'd try to show her you cared, it only got worse.  More anger & venom.  I would just retreat to my room & hide away, but my sister would stay & try to make things ok...always taking more of it than i did.  You start to question if you are the one who is doing something wrong to make her so hateful of you.  Talk about mixed messages.  To this day my sister doesn't know how to handle stressful situations. 

 

I'm sorry you have to go through that derpytia.  it's not the way a mother should  be, sick child or not.  just remember, it's not you, it's her.  You can't help the situation you are in...you didn't ask for any of it.  it's not your "fault".  She should be the one doing everything she can to ease your life, not make it worse. 

 

We are here for you to give you these little reminders whenever you need them :hugs:

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    Ms. Derpytia,

 

       I'm sorry that you're the suffering with your mother. I don't know exactly how I would deal with it. My mother passed away when I was 12. I'm currently a 44 year old male with a lot of physical challenges with depression/anxiety to boot. Shortly after my mother passing and my step-father physically abusing me I was taken away and placed in foster care. It was an incredibly hard time for me in foster care with my having an artificial leg. The artificial leg put a target on my back for bullies to hit me or call me names like Hop-A-Long Cassidy.

       Most times it's the abuser, (your mother), that is either at fault with her own personal issues or she just doesn't know how to deal with the things that are bothering her. None of it is your fault dear. That is 1 thing that I'm sure of. It's just like all the torment that I went through in foster care and high school. It wasn't my fault that I was treated that way and it's not your fault about what's causing your mother to treat you this way. I know that doesn't help much at the moment. About the only advice I can give is for you to know in your heart that your mother still loves you in her heart and no matter what treat her with love and respect. After my mother passed I always regretted not treating my mother better than what I did.

      I'd also like to suggest that you keep coming back to the forum for support when you need it or come back anyways to make friends and even give advice when you feel the need. You're always welcome here. No-one is in this rut alone. If we fight together we can win! I wish you all the best, peace and God Bless! Send me a pm if you feel the need too. I'll listen when I can. I'm here for you.

 

 

                                                                                                                 Sincerely,

                                                                                                                 Curtis

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Hi Derpytia! It sounds like you're having a rough go of it. Life can be so mean! But you know what? You started a thread yesterday and got 4 responses in like 19 hours. I started one 2 days ago and only 1 person had the decenecy to respond. So, hey at least you're getting that, huh? :smile:

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Oh, I'm so very sorry. I've started to tear up while reading your post. You don't deserve to feel this way. And from the outside it seems like your mother has some issues, herself, which are making it difficult for you to have a healthy home life where you can work on your own issues. I'm really so sorry. I want to send you big hugs and tell you it's not your fault. You're dealing with so much and I just wish I could help you more than I can. You're bright and talented. You've got a lot going for you. But you're experiencing a perfect emotional storm which makes it nearly impossible for you to see any bright side to life. 

 

Try to see the good in yourself and take comfort in it. That you love your mother despite the way she's treating you speaks volumes for your character. You can't change others. but you can change how others affect you, You're really special and I just wish you could realize that and treat yourself with the respect you deserve.

 

Peace

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I learned a long time ago that "family" doesn't mean "can't be a bad person because you're related". I don't know if your situation is exactly like that or not. I had a bunch of family who didn't understand what I was dealing with. All of the family I grew up with, in fact. They decided that I was just lazy when I couldn't work anymore because of crippling anxiety and depression. Evicted me from the house I was renting from my aunt. Never heard from them when I ended up in a mental hospital. Or when my dad died. Or when my sister died. Or any other time for any reason. The last time I heard a peep from them was 11 years ago when they turned their backs on me. They're still scumbags, and they can all go to hell. I have no plans to ever attempt to make contact with them. You can say "you should try and patch things up because they're family". Since when? What kind of "family" treats someone like that? They're bad people, and I'm not letting them off the hook for it just because we happen to share a little blood.

 

I'm not saying you should say or do the same things, but maybe take a step back and figure out where your distance between them is, and whether it's not close enough, or too close to be a good thing.

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My mother or in this case my step mother, will lure you into a room or what ever requesting your help and then just straight up lectures you for whatever is bothering her at the time, even if its trivial. Her excuse, "oh you are living in my house for free, you don't have rights, you don't deserve respect, your job is to be taken advantage of. *** you spent $17 to go to the movies? I don't care if you have 6k saved, your supposed to be saving money to move out. You need a full time job so you can get a car, oh you found a  great job thats 30 miles away, oh well you don't have a car too bad."

 

Now were these exact words, No. but she did say these things to me. Its like I do all i can to move on with my life but she cripples me just enough to keep me in her house to do the work she wants me to.

 

Then when I stand up for myself (which is vary rare) she threatens to kick me out. and when i call her bluff she's all like oh shut the hell up I'm not kicking you out."

 

I just don't know what to do anymore.

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