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I Broke Down In The Middle Of The Grocery Store And Made A Fool Of Myself.


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My mother was rushed to the ER yesterday, and while she was there, I had no choice but to finish up my grocery shopping before going home. I was trying my best to hold it together, but I broke down in the middle of the store.

 

I had to pick up some medication for my mother at the pharmacy inside the store, but there was a problem and they didn't have it. I told the pharmacist (who I've never met/seen before) that I couldn't call my mother because she was in the ER at the moment, and she looked concerned and asked if I was okay. That's what made me start crying uncontrollably. It's been so long since someone asked me if I was okay. It's just my mother and me, and I've been here caregiver for 10 years. My needs almost always go on the backburner and everyone always asks about my mother, never about me. It's so hard to take care of someone, especially being young (I'm in my 20's). 

 

She came around the desk to hug me, but I'm so embarrassed by the fact that I didn't let her just hug me from the side. I turned and started crying on her shoulder. I don't know if it bothered her, but I feel embarrassed anyway that I didn't have more control of myself. I worry that she was actually repulsed by me in some way. There were other people around me as well, just watching me break down. She tried to give me some advice, which didn't really help, and I eventually got it together enough to thank her and excuse myself to finish my shopping. Even after that, I couldn't stop crying and kept hiding in the aisles to compose myself. Then I cried some more on the way home and again once I was home.

 

I wasn't crying solely because of my mother, but just because the responsibilities of taking care of someone is such a heavy thing. I can barely take care of myself most of the time. Every day, it's a struggle to shower, to eat, to pretend to be happy. I can't work, so my mother and I live off of her disability checks, which means we're poor. I can't afford therapy and there are no reduced pay therapists in my area. Medication has never worked for me either. I've had MDD (plus have 4 other disorders) for 15 years and nothing has gotten better, despite pushing and pushing and trying everything I can think of. I'm so tired, but I'm just stuck in this loop of depression and poverty. I can't even afford to see a regular doctor for anything, even though I have some undiagnosed medical problems.

 

I'm sorry. I just needed to get it out. I'm just mortified and beating myself up over this. I can't even avoid this store in the future, because it's the only one in my area. God forbid, I have to pick something up at the pharmacy again. I'm sure they all think I'm crazy. 

Edited by sweaterweather
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((((HUGS))))

If I were able to I'd let you cry on my shoulder as long as you needed. I have been the primary caregiver before...and pretty much still am. Being a caregiver in and of itself is a tremendous strain and responsibility and takes someone very special and caring to do that. That doesn't even include throwing in the conditions of depression and economics. Trust me, the pharmacists know and get it, they understand, they see caregivers picking up meds all day everyday. That's why she asked if you were ok.

And it's ok to break down in public. I've done it at my desk at work before.

Please don't feel bad in the least about taking a moment for yourself and letting your feelings out.

Even though you don't feel like it right now you are a very strong, caring, and amazing person. Your mother is very fortunate to have you for her daughter.

Sending massive hugs and thoughts and prayers for strength, peace, and comfort your way.

Edited by PessimOptimist
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:hugs:

 

Everybody cries.  You sound like a very strong young woman.  Sometimes when we're caregivers,  we're on autopilot.  I know how it is, especially when you're alone doing it.  But believe me,  breaking down in public is ok.  It happens and we can't put up a front forever.  It's also a sign to take some time for yourself if you can.  

 

I know once you start, the tears are hard to stop. It's OK to let it out, and I'm glad you can do it here.  No need to apologize to us.  

Take care, SW  

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Holy moly, I just want to give you the biggest hug right now. I don't think you have anything to be ashamed or embarassed about. I would break down too if I were in your situation. In fact I'm not sure I could keep going as long as you. You are one extremely strong person. I'm sorry you havw to keep care of your mom when you can barely take care of yourself. You are something else. If people knew your story, thry would see those tears as strength and courage instead of embarassment. I hope you can get help for YOU as well. You deserve it! I hope you get through everything!*hugs*

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That's so very OK, my friend.

 

Caring for a loved one is a heavy burden; I am by no means a caregiver, but I was my mother's sole support for the last six months of her life as I watched her slip away.  I did the best I knew how, while still trying to keep hold on my job.

 

By no means avoid that store in the future.  You are beautiful and strong, and anyone who witnessed your episode will be empathetic.

 

Best wishes to you and your mother.

 

All my best...  :console:

 

Edited to add:  GD'it!!!  I'm crying now.  You be strong.

Edited by RatBoy
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Thank you so much, everyone, for your support and kind words. I've read and reread your comments several times already and feel a little better. I'm still very embarrassed about the situation, but I'm glad that my perspective is most likely very wrong here and that nobody thinks anything bad of me. 

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Bless your heart! Yes what everyone else says! You are doing a wonderful job that is challenging every day. Don't be embarrassed - most of the other people in that grocery store are fighting their own battles too. Glad that pharmacist was compassionate to you. Wish there were more people like that in the world. Stay strong. We are here for support. God bless you and your mom.

 

mommato2lilmonkeys

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I echo everyone elses comments and I just want to add how much admiration I have for you and those who care for others at the expense of their own needs, especially for someone as young as you are.  I hope your mum is ok, sending heaps of cyber hugs your way :hugs:

Edited by PurpleStorm
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I've had a breakdown in public before. I think probably a lot of us have. And I don't think there's any reason to think that anyone at that store thinks less of you. That pharmacist is probably well aware that everyone is fighting a battle that no one else can see, and with the struggles you are having as a caregiver, it really makes complete sense that the stress finally got to you.

 

I had a breakdown of my own last year when my mother was moved into a nursing home after several strokes left her with dementia and unable to care for herself. It took several weeks for it to really "hit" me that my mom was never going to be the person she was before her strokes. She needs around-the-clock care, and her personality is drastically changed. She was always my best friend growing up, the person I went to when I just needed to talk or vent. As crazy as she could drive me, the loss of her in my life has been damaging. I don't cope well enough to be able to visit her frequently, which I know hurts her, but I just can't. I can't handle seeing my mom like she is now. 

 

Just know you aren't alone. I've never been a caregiver - I couldn't be. We moved my mom into a nursing home because neither myself nor my brother could handle it. So you are a very strong person for being able to do this. You're allowed a break down. You're allowed to let it out. And sometimes it happens when we'd rather it not, but that's ok.

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Thank you again, everyone. The more I read your replies, the less horrible I feel. I've never been the type of person to show my emotions to people outside my immediate circle of family and friends, so it's still difficult for me to be okay with what happened. I really do hope that those who saw me understood and didn't think less of me though. 

 

I've had a breakdown in public before. I think probably a lot of us have. And I don't think there's any reason to think that anyone at that store thinks less of you. That pharmacist is probably well aware that everyone is fighting a battle that no one else can see, and with the struggles you are having as a caregiver, it really makes complete sense that the stress finally got to you.

 

I had a breakdown of my own last year when my mother was moved into a nursing home after several strokes left her with dementia and unable to care for herself. It took several weeks for it to really "hit" me that my mom was never going to be the person she was before her strokes. She needs around-the-clock care, and her personality is drastically changed. She was always my best friend growing up, the person I went to when I just needed to talk or vent. As crazy as she could drive me, the loss of her in my life has been damaging. I don't cope well enough to be able to visit her frequently, which I know hurts her, but I just can't. I can't handle seeing my mom like she is now. 

 

Just know you aren't alone. I've never been a caregiver - I couldn't be. We moved my mom into a nursing home because neither myself nor my brother could handle it. So you are a very strong person for being able to do this. You're allowed a break down. You're allowed to let it out. And sometimes it happens when we'd rather it not, but that's ok.

 

Thank you so much for sharing and being supportive.

 

I'm sorry to hear about your mother, and I understand a lot of your feelings about it. I feel the same way about my own mother sometimes, except I'm forced to face it because I have no choice. I guess that was one of the reasons why I broke down. I feel like I'm "mourning" what I've lost. She'll never be how she was when I was younger and our parent/child relationship will never be the same again. That's been one of the most difficult things for me. Not to mention the fact that, she's all I have left. My father is no longer in the picture and I have no extended family or friends to be there if I need them. I'm scared to lose the last piece of family I'll ever have. 

Edited by sweaterweather
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Sweater,

Your post has deeply touched me. What a remarkable person you must be to have so much responsibilities at such a young age. You truly are a special woman. Never be ashamed or feel guilty for letting go... We have all done it at one point or another. I broke down a few occasions at work! Which was really embarrassing since I had to face those ppl everyday! But you know what? It's ok. We are all only human. Everyone expresses their emotions in different ways.

The lady who hugged you and felt concerned for you must be another special person. It's rare sometimes to find these ppl in the society we live in now. I'm sure glad she was there that day you felt so awful. Just a small act of kindness can do wonders..

I wish you the best and if you need a good cry or to talk or vent or anything!... We all are here to listen.

*hugs*

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You are a carer for your mother even though you have incredible personal struggle, you stay strong and ignore your own hurt to take care of her needs. What could be stronger than that? There is no shame in crying, everyone does it, either in public or to themselves. Dont feel weak because you cried, its just an outlet 

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I know I keep thanking everyone, but I'm very grateful for all the kind words you've said. It's hard being a caregiver, especially when you're not well yourself and sometimes wish you could have someone look after you, so your words really mean a lot. It's nice to have support, because I don't really have any.

 

Anyway, thank you so much again! I'm so touched and appreciative.

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