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SpaceAce

I'm Constantly Lying

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And it's really exhausting.

"Why are you single at 29? You should be married with kids by now"

Hmm lets see I've been single for over 10 years I don't even remember what a relationship feel like (thank god) what should I say..

"Oh I'm just waiting for the right one"

--

"What excites you about life, what just fills you with joy?"

Ok let's see, absolutely nothing I fantasize about suicide multiple times and day and I sleep as much as I possibly can when I don't have uni.

"Oh Im just a chilled out person"

--

"What do you like to do with your spare time, what hobbies do you do?"

Well when I'm not sleeping as much as I can I'm likely just sitting on the Internet mindlessly clicking things like YouTube and reddit until the day is gone and I can just hope I don't wake up again.

"I'm into doing baking at the moment"

"Oh really what kind of things to you bake"

"Umm .. Cakes.. And stuff"

--

Lately I've been stuck with other people for a couple of days away and my face is just hurting so much by having to fake a smile and laugh when other people make jokes or tell funny stories. I just sit there thinking " I hope I'm smiling enough and I don't look totally miserable".

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I think a lot of us do this. Honestly, people don't want to hear the dark truth when someone is depressed, why would they? It's a bit heavy really. I think the type of lying you do isn't hurting anyone anyway. It's like people say " how are you" and the standard response is "I'm good, how about you?". I mean what are you going to say? "oh, I hate my life and wish I was dead", that's a bit of a conversation stopper. It is what it is, no one wants to hear this stuff, so we fake it to appear normal, it's how we get through and get along IMO. The only people I'll be totally honest with is my GP or a therapist, no one else is really equipped to handle the reality and I don't want to deal with that awkwardness, other people don't want to either if the truth be told.

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Tell them to stfu or ask equally invasive questions,or ask them if they know any single people.just **** the conversation if you don,t want to have it,I would tell people I am just winging it and don,t know *** im doing anymore or I say im a free sprit and live day to day.

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I believe you can have a genuine smile J I have a similar situation as yours, and I know my must learn my life lessons well. There is a time for everything. Taking exercise regularly, reading, or talking with people you trust may help. Are there any counseling program or depression support groups at your school? I wish you well!

--KeepCalm&MoveOn :)

Edited by flyingsakura

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yes it does get a little weary smiling and trying to think of something to say.

 

do you have anyone you can trust?

 

i lean on an inner circle where i can be myself however it is.

they care about me.

they understand.

they are not perfect but they make a difference to me.

with them i don't have to smile or answer questions i can just be present or off to the side.

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"What do you like to do with your spare time, what hobbies do you do?"

Well when I'm not sleeping as much as I can I'm likely just sitting on the Internet mindlessly clicking things like YouTube and reddit until the day is gone and I can just hope I don't wake up again.

"I'm into doing baking at the moment"

"Oh really what kind of things to you bake"

"Umm .. Cakes.. And stuff"

-------------------------------------------------------

For what it's worth, SpaceAce, I couldn't help but find this funny. I just imagine this whole scenario where you get trapped into one of these conversations and wind up agreeing to bring a cake to someone's party but instead show up with a bag of flower and some icing mixed up like concrete.

"Um, I thought you said you bake cakes all the time?"

"I'm still in the beginning stages..." Well, I think it's funny anyway.

But yeah, I understand what you're saying about dealing with people. I have to wonder about people who can't accept the fact that not everyone wants to trapse around with a smile all day like some ******* bobblehead. Why should I have to strain the muscles on my face so that you can feel at ease? Why do we have to abide by the code of conduct set forth by these fascists in the Smile-Patrol?

I live in the Southern US where not having an air of cheerfulness at all times is an automatic indictment of one's rejection of God, Country, Family, High School Football and all other things holy.

BTW, how often is the whole single-at-29 thing coming up in conversation? Maybe it's a good sign, like people are thinking "this bloke must have a girl." I mean, I never get asked that. I'm 34 and haven't had a relationship/been with a woman in 6 years. Then again, I'm a ****ing leprechaun so I guess it all makes sense. I mean hey, count your blessings that peple don't demand a pan of gold from you any time they see a rainbow.

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I feel you on this one. After I graduated high school I became a morose shut in. No job, no friends, no life at all for eight years. But now that I do actually have a job my coworkers naturally ask questions about my life. When they ask where I worked before my current job I have to make up a lie because it's to awkward and humiliating to admit the truth. When they ask why I'm not dating anyone or why I haven't dated since high school out comes another lie.

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Wow, this post is one of the most relatable post I have seen in a while. It is really exhausting. I call it the mask. I am not one to lie but boy have I been one big fat liar. I'm sorry you feel miserable and I can imagine it being hard and trying to hide it. I find it hurts just as bad as telling the truth and getting a really negative response. Neither feel good at all. I think people with depression should be free to openly discuss these things. Letting it out there can be healthy and help someone from internalizing everything. I know people mean well when saying these things, but they feel invasive. In my situation, when I was honest, it didn't go well at all. I personally do not believe these people mean well anymore because they are fair weathered friends. I think it would be nice to be honest and say "hey look, I'm having a crappy day," without someone trying to pressure you out of what you are feeling in that moment. It is usually well, get happy so I will feel better" and that is how it comes across. I feel this is why I have become such a shut in because I just do not want to go through being targeted with these questions again.

 

I do find your humor really hilarious and hope you can keep onto that. It has a bit of fire to it lol. I hope you can find friends you can be real with! *hugs*

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I also really relate to this post ... I always think of it as a "stage performance"

What bothers me the most is that I'm a really outgiing and fairly straight up person and when I was first going thru depression I told some of my closest friends what was going on with me honestly and their reactions really hurt me, extremely judgmental and didn't in any way try to even remotely support me , it crushed me.! No wonder people can't open up and be honest about our experiences ....

On some level it's just a game and every social situation has a set of norms we have to obey or else "sheeple" just freak the f@ck out because they can't handle it!

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On some level it's just a game and every social situation has a set of norms we have to obey or else "sheeple" just freak the f@ck out because they can't handle it!

 

 

I consider it a game as well. I put on the appropriate mask for the occasion, I pull the string and say the right words. I do the "correct" things because when I am truly myself people get worried about me and get bothered by my thinking since it doesn't match theirs. I am really tired of playing this game though.

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