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When "mild"-Moderate Depression Feels Like Madness


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Hey guys. I am wondering if this is the dysthymia kicking in, or what, since I *think* my last major depressive episode is over. What is troubling me, is that at least in major depression I could acknowledge, without any doubt, that I was depressed. Now, I just feel like the most exhausted and lazy person on the planet. It feels like I should be able to push through what feels like emotional and motivational mud and be okay, but I just can't seem to and blame myself for it.

 

 I no longer think of suicide several times per week and the Zoloft is cushioning me from crying as much. But, I have no motivation. Sometimes it comes in waves and I'll get a few things done, but then it's back to no-motivation-land. I can feel some positive emotion, but it's underwhelming most of the time. My social dread (not anxiety - dread) is still there most of the time. I'm chronically exhausted, but have insomnia, and appetite-wise have to force myself to eat enough. I'm still losing weight without trying.

 

 But, I still have my sense of humor. I can still talk to people and not "seem" depressed. Assessments like the Zung depression scale indicate that I'm still moderately to severely depressed, even if I feel less "sad." What floors me is that this is an IMPROVEMENT from back in the Winter-Spring. Sometimes in the waiting room, I see depressed people staring blankly and looking incredibly sad. I can make conversation with others and joke, but under the surface, am deeply unhappy. In reality, I probably just handle depression differently, but it makes me feel like an imposter sometimes.

 

Do you ever question your depression? Do you still have a sense of humor in depression?

 

- Christina

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I can relate to exactly what your saying I always have a sense of humor and put on a happy face,people who I was friends with in college did not belive I was depressed nor did any of my friends I had outside of college,I would think about hanging myself with a belt then would go into work and college and plaster a smile on my face and tell everyone stuff would be good and that life is great.i think life is a joke in general and something not to be taken seriously I want to try comedy one day,and just go on stage drunk with self deprecating humor and my cynism.

 

I think many depressed people have a good sense of humor look at all the depressed comedians and actors that abused drugs and alcholol,I would have never guessed a guy like robin willams was so depressed he would **** himself,if you look at his work he almost always played upbeat happy characters,i have always been known as there entertaining funny sarcastic guy so I can understand where your coming from.

 

I think you developed a way to cope with your depression that you found helpful,never feel like you have to pretend to be happy that will only cause stress to yourself.just try to remember when you were happy before you fell into a depressive episode,that seems to keep me sane when im at my worst.its ok to be upset and not want to talk to people.Do you want to joke and talk to people when your in that state or are you forcing yourself to?

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I can really relate to that. Even when I was at my worst, I still would crack jokes and besides my mom nobody truly knew I what a horrible shape I really was. Like you, I just don't appear horribly depressed either. Which actually had a downside as well because people were expecting all sorts of things from me I just couldn't do and even doctors wouldn't believe me! Thankfully I am a lot better now due my medication and wonderful GP.

Edited by Cupcake_girl
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do i question my depression - yes.

do i still have a sense of humor - sometimes.

 

it is cool you have some 'improvement.'

i am glad for you.

i hope you find yourself a little more improved all the time - especially in such important areas as motivation and energy.

 

i have a hard time when i see the psychiatrist or therapist and they want to know how i am doing...

 

it is hard to measure.

through what grid or filter am i seeing and evaluating?

it is hard to know what i am comparing things to (am i thinking in relationship to the old me, the new me or the medicated me).

 

with the psych he has a little chart where i rate things on a scale of 1 to 10 but it always feels unattached to where i might be.

the little evaluations and summaries seem insufficient for what feels so complicated on the inside.

(the complication places me at their mercy or i would just fix myself)

 

it seems the first question in the face to face encounter with the psychiatrist and the therapist is forever 'how am i doing?' and i don't always know, and grow weary of saying 'not great,' or of trying to say the same thing in some new meaningful way that we can usefully unpack in discussion.

 

(if i can confess...with one therapist i started to slant or stretch the truth about how things were just to find out what we would talk about, because i was bored, so i would just make things up and inhabit a different story and see how consistent i could be...i ended up switching to a new therapist and have only been honest)

 

nowadays i ask the people around me (that i trust who know) how it seems i am doing.

once i even took a close friend with me one time to therapy to let them tell the pro what i was like recently - thought that would be interesting maybe more enlightening that me saying 'not great.'

 

again i am glad that you are experiencing some good things.

thank you for sharing - it is encouraging.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I always question my depression. Sometimes it feels like "depression" is just such a boring diagnosis and I feel like I'm so much worse I must actually be mad! But at other times I feel like imposter too! No one really knows about my depression and I never talk about it so other people probably wouldn't believe me. 

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