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nexus321

The Worst Night Of My Life

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A dating coach? I assume this is in the US? I don't think this happens anywhere else in the world!

Your first thing to do, right now, is to ditch this bloodsucking loser from your life and actually enjoy the process of deleting any SMS messages, emails and his contact from your phone. You may, however, want to keep his number in the phone under 'do not answer'. Contact with him is doing nothing for you, so write-off the $1000 and chalk it down to experience. One day you will be able to laugh about it.

 

Around 1-2% of the world is like him. Sure they're popular on the outside, but have a think about a couple of things that you've witnessed. First, the kind of girl that is 'throwing herself' at someone like this at a party. Is this the kind of girl you'd like to be with? Really? Would you trust her if she went to a party without you? The answer is, or should be, no! What you were witnessing was a jerk surrounded by female jerks, or whatever you call female jerks over there. All jerks together. The kind of people that judge themselves on how cool they look, what car they drive and so on. The ladies of that type would be obsessed with handbags or whatever. You do not sound like the kind of guy who should be with a woman that obsesses about handbags.

 

To me, it sounds as though you're one of the 98% of the world's population that won't meet the girl of your dreams at a party. Your girl will be serving old people lunch at an old folks home when you visit your relative, or the girl you help pick up her groceries as she trips over outside the supermarket and you make cheeky fun of her grocery-carrying abilities as you're loading her car. Maybe she'll be the girl from the print company that you speak to every week in your future job. You won't realise it at first and will just be yourself (this is the key), but as time passes you'll get along with her. In other words, when you later have a serious relationship you'll meet her in one of the countless other ways that is not looking cool at a party and throwing out lame one-liners in an attempt to be someone you're not. You're 5"9 with an average body. So am I. You're probably not astonishingly good looking. Neither am I, and neither are most people. They nearly all end up with someone somehow. Have a look around at people you see together as couples. Ninety-nine times out of a hundred they are just average people who didn't meet at a party.

 

But I will say that I would never go along to a party full of people I don't know, especially with an 'a******' like this for company, in a million years. You obviously have no problems at all with meeting new people, which is great. Build on that.

 

I don't know what you do for a living or in your spare time. I hope I'm not going to upset anyone above who has tried to give you advice above, but stuff like joining the gym is, again, something that isn't going to help you very much (with girls - of course it's a great thing to do if it improves your health, mood and confidence, which is fantastic). Again, your type of girl does not go to the gym to pick up guys. Can you see the point? I hope so. She is probably at home helping make food for a family gathering the following afternoon.

 

Think of your ideal girl. I'll help you by giving you an idea of nearly every guy's perfect girl - she is cute but doesn't realise it, she reads a lot, does not go to parties unless she has to as a one-off to accompany a friend, and she is a slightly shy but hilarious fun to those that really know her.

 

Where are you going to meet this girl? Not at a party, for sure. And she won't like your lines you learnt from Mr. Dickcheese.

 

My advice is simple.

1) Be clean

2) Talk to lots of people, all the time

3) Smile a lot (without being weird!)

4) Enjoy the above without worrying about anything else

5) Wait for the magic to happen

 

This is it!

 

You said that you're destined to live a sad and lonely life. You'll hopefully see that for someone reading that, it's a very extreme reaction to observe from someone who has just been to a party full of d***s. So is going to that party in the first place - two completely opposite extremes and neither sound like they fit you.

 

Do you know what your so-called friend is doing? By ensuring that you see him look like Mr Popular he's hoping that word gets around - through you - about how wonderful he is. I wouldn't be surprised if it's a setup. He sounds like a weapons-grade douchebag that you should jettison from your life, and in a hurry. That $1000 is gone but has given you a lesson. The next $1000 can be spent on a puppy, a photography course, a speaker upgrade to get a better experience watching those youtube clips and movies...whatever you like that makes you a happier person. It doesn't matter. People are attracted to people that make them feel good, but most want that person to be someone that the rest of the world is NOT attracted to!

 

If you're a broke student, I would suggest getting out and joining things where other broke students are. And get a part-time job that involves dealing with a lot of different people. Observe what makes them smile as an experiment and promise yourself that you won't intentionally try and use 'lines' with girls or even flirt with anyone. Just treat all men and women the same, and things will work out. She just hasn't found you yet, but she is looking. She is probably at home watching youtube clips and movies.

 

All the best

 

Thank u! It really means a lot to me that you took the time out to write all of that. I agree I should remove him from my life. But a part of me is thinking what if it's my fault, what if it's something I did or didn't do? Maybe i wasn't a good student? Truth be told he hasn't taught me much. He just likes to talk about how pretty girls he bangs are. What else was i supposed to do? 26 and never had any kind of success with a woman. I feel like my youth is running out. I'm scared I might never meet someone.

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Hello again nexus

there is an old bit of generic advice that basically says if a nerdy guy in college wants to learn how to get good with girls, all he has to do is find one of the big athletic jock guys on campus, befriend him and follow him around for a while.

I believe there is a lot of truth in this advice. One does not need to pay any instructors or take classes, just find and befriend someone who is genuine and honest and who appears to be really good at it, and follow them around for a while. Then you will begin to pick up their habits almost automatically. It is a mindset, a way of being, a way of living and feeling, a swagger and style. 80-90% of social interaction is body language. And it can be cultivated and developed. Maybe not overnight, but i think just about every guy is capable of developing it within a relatively short timeframe.

The problem that guys like you and me have is that we think too much. While thinking is usually a good thing, Sometimes it is better to turn off our brains and just relax, go with the flow and live by instinct and feeling. It is actually far easier than thinking, we are just not used to it. The good news is that intelligent people like you and me are typically fast learners, so we can climb the ladder pretty fast when we are serious about something.

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A dating coach? I assume this is in the US? I don't think this happens anywhere else in the world!

Your first thing to do, right now, is to ditch this bloodsucking loser from your life and actually enjoy the process of deleting any SMS messages, emails and his contact from your phone. You may, however, want to keep his number in the phone under 'do not answer'. Contact with him is doing nothing for you, so write-off the $1000 and chalk it down to experience. One day you will be able to laugh about it.

 

Around 1-2% of the world is like him. Sure they're popular on the outside, but have a think about a couple of things that you've witnessed. First, the kind of girl that is 'throwing herself' at someone like this at a party. Is this the kind of girl you'd like to be with? Really? Would you trust her if she went to a party without you? The answer is, or should be, no! What you were witnessing was a jerk surrounded by female jerks, or whatever you call female jerks over there. All jerks together. The kind of people that judge themselves on how cool they look, what car they drive and so on. The ladies of that type would be obsessed with handbags or whatever. You do not sound like the kind of guy who should be with a woman that obsesses about handbags.

 

To me, it sounds as though you're one of the 98% of the world's population that won't meet the girl of your dreams at a party. Your girl will be serving old people lunch at an old folks home when you visit your relative, or the girl you help pick up her groceries as she trips over outside the supermarket and you make cheeky fun of her grocery-carrying abilities as you're loading her car. Maybe she'll be the girl from the print company that you speak to every week in your future job. You won't realise it at first and will just be yourself (this is the key), but as time passes you'll get along with her. In other words, when you later have a serious relationship you'll meet her in one of the countless other ways that is not looking cool at a party and throwing out lame one-liners in an attempt to be someone you're not. You're 5"9 with an average body. So am I. You're probably not astonishingly good looking. Neither am I, and neither are most people. They nearly all end up with someone somehow. Have a look around at people you see together as couples. Ninety-nine times out of a hundred they are just average people who didn't meet at a party.

 

But I will say that I would never go along to a party full of people I don't know, especially with an 'a******' like this for company, in a million years. You obviously have no problems at all with meeting new people, which is great. Build on that.

 

I don't know what you do for a living or in your spare time. I hope I'm not going to upset anyone above who has tried to give you advice above, but stuff like joining the gym is, again, something that isn't going to help you very much (with girls - of course it's a great thing to do if it improves your health, mood and confidence, which is fantastic). Again, your type of girl does not go to the gym to pick up guys. Can you see the point? I hope so. She is probably at home helping make food for a family gathering the following afternoon.

 

Think of your ideal girl. I'll help you by giving you an idea of nearly every guy's perfect girl - she is cute but doesn't realise it, she reads a lot, does not go to parties unless she has to as a one-off to accompany a friend, and she is a slightly shy but hilarious fun to those that really know her.

 

Where are you going to meet this girl? Not at a party, for sure. And she won't like your lines you learnt from Mr. Dickcheese.

 

My advice is simple.

1) Be clean

2) Talk to lots of people, all the time

3) Smile a lot (without being weird!)

4) Enjoy the above without worrying about anything else

5) Wait for the magic to happen

 

This is it!

 

You said that you're destined to live a sad and lonely life. You'll hopefully see that for someone reading that, it's a very extreme reaction to observe from someone who has just been to a party full of d***s. So is going to that party in the first place - two completely opposite extremes and neither sound like they fit you.

 

Do you know what your so-called friend is doing? By ensuring that you see him look like Mr Popular he's hoping that word gets around - through you - about how wonderful he is. I wouldn't be surprised if it's a setup. He sounds like a weapons-grade douchebag that you should jettison from your life, and in a hurry. That $1000 is gone but has given you a lesson. The next $1000 can be spent on a puppy, a photography course, a speaker upgrade to get a better experience watching those youtube clips and movies...whatever you like that makes you a happier person. It doesn't matter. People are attracted to people that make them feel good, but most want that person to be someone that the rest of the world is NOT attracted to!

 

If you're a broke student, I would suggest getting out and joining things where other broke students are. And get a part-time job that involves dealing with a lot of different people. Observe what makes them smile as an experiment and promise yourself that you won't intentionally try and use 'lines' with girls or even flirt with anyone. Just treat all men and women the same, and things will work out. She just hasn't found you yet, but she is looking. She is probably at home watching youtube clips and movies.

 

All the best

 

Thank u! It really means a lot to me that you took the time out to write all of that. I agree I should remove him from my life. But a part of me is thinking what if it's my fault, what if it's something I did or didn't do? Maybe i wasn't a good student? Truth be told he hasn't taught me much. He just likes to talk about how pretty girls he bangs are. What else was i supposed to do? 26 and never had any kind of success with a woman. I feel like my youth is running out. I'm scared I might never meet someone.

 

 

Time to save your money and say buh bye.  Take the extra money, invest in some Aikido classes or something, and get on with your life.

 

You'll find someone.  I fell madly in love at 26, but it didn't work out.  Then got married at 39.  If an ugly galoot like me can get the odd woman or two (not saying they were ODD women!), you can, too.  Just be the best Nexus321 you can be, and take advantage of the opportunities that you are given.  This WILL work out for you!

 

Take care, my friend!

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Hello again nexus

there is an old bit of generic advice that basically says if a nerdy guy in college wants to learn how to get good with girls, all he has to do is find one of the big athletic jock guys on campus, befriend him and follow him around for a while.

I believe there is a lot of truth in this advice. One does not need to pay any instructors or take classes, just find and befriend someone who is genuine and honest and who appears to be really good at it, and follow them around for a while. Then you will begin to pick up their habits almost automatically. It is a mindset, a way of being, a way of living and feeling, a swagger and style. 80-90% of social interaction is body language. And it can be cultivated and developed. Maybe not overnight, but i think just about every guy is capable of developing it within a relatively short timeframe.

The problem that guys like you and me have is that we think too much. While thinking is usually a good thing, Sometimes it is better to turn off our brains and just relax, go with the flow and live by instinct and feeling. It is actually far easier than thinking, we are just not used to it. The good news is that intelligent people like you and me are typically fast learners, so we can climb the ladder pretty fast when we are serious about something.

Where do i meet and befriend guys that are good with women?

I sorta thought that was what I was doing when I hired the dating coach.

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Where do i meet and befriend guys that are good with women?

I sorta thought that was what I was doing when I hired the dating coach.

 

 

With a "dating coach" you run several risks.  The first is that you do not really know if they have the skills they profess to have.  For all you know, the girls you see throwing themselves at the dating coach may just be hired guns, for the purposes of boosting the coach's reputation, or even more likely they are girls he has already known for a long time.  You also run the risk that the coach is not a very good teacher, so following his "advice" may not necessarily be very effective, and as previously mentioned they may just be looking for quick cash from gullible desperate guys, with not much intention of actually doing much at all, which is what I suspect happened to you.

 

If you know how to introduce yourself to someone and make a friend, then it is pretty easy to find a guy who is getting girls.  If you do not know how to do this, then you probably need more social skills help than I can offer.  Approaching guys is usually easier for us than it is to approach girls.  So just hang out in any number of places -- a gym, a bar, a local sporting activity, in line at a restaurant, even if you have no real intention to get buff, drink alcohol or play basketball.  Strike up a conversation or give a "bro compliment" to someone who looks legit or who you have seen getting the kind of girls you want to get.  Or even a group of guys that you wish you could be like.  Preferably people who are not exactly like you, someone you might not normally talk to.   The point is that one should go a little bit outside their comfort zone to see things from a different perspective.  

 

It only takes a few minutes of conversation to swap contact information.  It is easy to gently "push" a conversation along in this direction, if necessary.

 

If all else fails, just break down and find someone and politely pull them over to the side and politely tell them that you admire their skills, but you are not gay, and you would honestly just like to learn more about how they do it, and if they would be willing to let you tag along in public to a few places while they go about their normal social interaction.  Maybe offer to buy them a lunch or two, but do not spend too much money or effort.  The point is that it should be casual and just an opportunity to pick up some useful behaviors.  I assume some people might be creeped out by this and tell you "no" in which case just try again with someone else.  No big deal, no harm done.

 

I befriended a guy about a year or two ago and quickly became "bro" with him.  He was a musician and I expressed interest in his musical abilities.  He was more than happy to bring me to various social places that he frequents.  I quickly was able to see that he has an active social life.  He frequently meets with girls that he finds online or just randomly in person everywhere.  Being around him helped me to get out of my "loser" mindset and step into a more "entitled" and confident mindset where meeting girls became just a normal way of living. 

 

I did not stick around with him long enough because I started to realize that I did not like who he was on the inside.  He was friendly and fun to be with, and very nice to me, but after a while I began to feel repulsed by him for some reason.  I could tell he had some deeper issue(s) but not sure what.  Maybe issues with insecurity and/or his parents, or maybe he was a closet homosexual and just did not know it yet.  I am not sure what his deal was but eventually i just stopped talking to him.

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Some great advice here. Again, your main problem is that your current main hobby seems to be trying to get a date, that's not very attractive and doesn't really give you much to talk about with women. If you took some classes, spent that 1000 $ on interesting trip, started going more to social gatherings and events just to have fun and not thinking about how you should try to talk to someone it would give you a lot wider prospects and a lot more to talk about with the eventual date.

 

Have you tried dating websites? I'm 5.7 skinny guy with glasses, I have acne scars all over my face, as I'm very introverted I don't really have much friends if any, I only started my dating life last summer (at 25 years old) and I was be able get dates on a weekly basis(though that involved sending hundreds of messages, which kinda sucked), now it didn't really get anywhere because I had no idea how to talk to women or what I should be doing when on a date in general, but I managed to get a gf by the end of September and we're still together(we had our ups and downs, but that's to expect since its my first relationships and we moved in together fairly quickly). My point is, if a guy like me can get constant dates without any previous dating experience and a gf in half a year, you don't really have much to worry about.

 

What helped to me the most I think is starting to attend social events(marathons, fares etc), taking up guitar lessons and going on a trip to Slovakian hills. It gave me a lot more to talk about when on that initial meeting.

 

If you will keep on trying, you will find someone eventually.

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I don’t mean to offend you, but I’m sure that if I don’t say this in this tone,you are not going to do what I say, so here it is-

 

Stop whining. If you don’t, all you’ll do is whine for the rest of your life. The first thing you need to address is your depression. You need counselling. I had 4 addiction relapses until I got the alcohol counselling in Vancouver that changed my life. If you have a rehab center nearby, they might have some really good counselors. Second- stop seeing dating coaches. I don’t think any of them are legit. Google classes or clubs that interest you, and of course have girls in them. Don’t think about this, just do it.

 

If you think you need a good body, start hitting the gym. having a great body does wonders to your confidence, and yeah-it’s more about self confidence than having girls drooling all over you.

 

Lastly, concentrate on studies, and read, read, read. Looks can get you girls, but brains can get you women.

And again, stop whining. Please just do what I said.

Edited by Lindsay
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As someone who married one of those 'undateable' guys who thought he would never find love, I want to give you some advice from the female perspective.

 

Stop looking for a girl. Just stop. Don't go out with the idea of "I'm going to find a girlfriend" or "I'm going to find a chick to bang." WOMEN ARE WORTH MORE THAN THAT. Having the attitude of "I'm going to find a chick" will drive them away. Sure, your dating coach is "finding" all these women - but how many of them is he having a committed, serious, healthy relationship with? It sounds like none! So why are you taking his advice?

 

Instead of looking for a girlfriend, look for friends. Look for people you genuinely enjoy hanging out with. Look for people who share the same interests and hobbies. You said you're studying 3D animation. That's awesome!! Find a group of people who enjoy animating. Share ideas and thoughts. Spend time together. There are forums for everything now a days and you'd be amazed at how many times you will find someone that shares your interests so much that you could spend time with them, relaxed, being yourself, and enjoying yourself. Like a previous poster said: women can sense desperation. So stop trying to hard. Just be yourself and eventually you will find someone that is genuinely attracted to you. Not to the person your "dating coach" says you could be, but you. That kind of connection is what leads to long-lasting and healthy relationships.

 

I met my husband through a forum. I'm a roller coaster enthusiast, and I joined a forum dedicated to my local amusement park. I didn't get on this forum looking for love. In fact, I was married to my ex-husband at the time, though our relationship was quickly disintegrating. I think the failure of our relationship is what led me to seek out the friendships I found on that forum. I met up with a lot of forum members at the park. We hung out, we rode rides, we talked. Eventually, I started getting closer to what became a circle of friends. These were people that I connected with on Facebook. We made specific plans to meet up at the park. We went out for ice cream after. We planned trips to other parks together. And eventually, I connected more solidly with one person, more than the rest. We started hanging out more. We went out for ice cream and ended up sitting in my car talking until the wee hours of the morning. We started talking on the phone. As my marriage ended, he became my support, the person I could talk to about anything and that I knew would be there for me. He was my best friend. Then, when the fallout of my divorce settled, we started seeing each other as more than friends. 6 years later, we are about to celebrate our 3rd wedding anniversary.

 

But the point is: I didn't find him because I was looking for him. I found him because I found friends who shared interests with me. From that wide circle of shared-interest friends, I developed close friends. From those close friends, I gained two new best friends. One of which became my boyfriend, then eventually my husband. My other best friend from that group is still my best friend. My circle of friends (we call ourselves "coaster family") is still as close as ever. We celebrate birthdays, graduations and weddings together. Most of our wedding party was made up from people that we met through our roller coaster hobby. 

 

So stop going out hunting women. You aren't going to find love at a party. You aren't going to connect with someone when you share nothing with them except knowing the same guy. Go out and find friends. You never know where you're going to find "the one" but having a shared interest does nothing but help you. When my husband and I are going through a rough patch, we fall back on our old traditions. We visit an amusement park together, we ride some roller coasters together, and we fall back in love. 

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I also want to add this: I am by far not the only one that found my soul mate through this particular forum. I know of at least 3 other married couples that met through it! It's amazing how having this strong shared interest develops into such strong relationships. And like I said, I'm very close with a lot of people I met on it. When we moved into our new house in January and had a house-warming party, 30 of the 35 people that showed up were coaster friends. The rest were immediate family! That's how strong these relationships have been for us. Outside of this particular forum, in the coaster enthusiast "community" in general, there are tons of happy couples that met through their shared interest. In fact, two of my friends from another state just got married on a coaster last month!

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Violacat makes some good points, but there is one fundamental point that she misses.

Yes, it is better for us to stop trying to "find" girls and just be ourselves and do things we like, but doing that will only gets us so far. The problem is that we are guys who have difficulty just being ourselves. And since we have never really had a lot of female interest, we do not even really know how to be our best most attractive self. So you are teoling us to just not worry, to just go out and live life and do stuff we enjoy and everything will work out. OK, you are correct, but much easier said than done for us. We have issues that make it difficult for us to do what will work. These issues cannot be solved overnight.

Violacat, i found your point about women being worth "more than that" to be very eye opening, this coming from a guy who has done a lot of unsuccessful "seeking" in the past. It is interesting that you say this, since actually the reason why we guys tend to go out of our way to "try to find a girl" is not because we intentionally are viewing them as a worthless commodity, rather it is partly because we actually see ourselves as lower than women due to our low self esteem. So we feel like finding a girl is like a trophy, we put them on a pedestal like something that must be earned, caught, found, achieved, conquered, etc. Of course we all know how that does not usually work in the end. Ultimately it is our low self esteem which leads to wrong perceptions of women, which in turn makes us say and do foolish things that accomplish the exact opposite of what we want: that is, to repel women instead if attract them.

So the solution starts with changing our internal thoughts and feelings about womens value in relation to us. if we can learn to tone down our perception of women as unattainable trophies and begin to see them as more normal people instead (which ironically is a way a lowering our perceived value of them in a way), then they will sense that we are more normal and sensible guys

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I also want to add this: I am by far not the only one that found my soul mate through this particular forum. I know of at least 3 other married couples that met through it! It's amazing how having this strong shared interest develops into such strong relationships. And like I said, I'm very close with a lot of people I met on it. When we moved into our new house in January and had a house-warming party, 30 of the 35 people that showed up were coaster friends. The rest were immediate family! That's how strong these relationships have been for us. Outside of this particular forum, in the coaster enthusiast "community" in general, there are tons of happy couples that met through their shared interest. In fact, two of my friends from another state just got married on a coaster last month!

While this id great and inspiring story I can't stop myself from thinking that this is more like the exception to the rule. I fe. attended many groups and have been on countless of various forums, but haven't made friends in any of them and I know only a few people who did.

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