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MrFrenzy

Have I Killed Myself Without Realizing It?

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I've had issues with depression for most of my life, and usually i come out of a struggle. I'm male 36. A few years ago I had a bad breakup with the most ideal mate in life (for a laundry list of reasons beyond the person), and saw myself spiral into the deepest depths of hell I've ever been through. I got meds and therapy and eventually got back on my feet, once again, however I'm not sure I've weathered the storms well.

 

During that time I thought about suicide daily but never attempted it or came close. I just couldn’t do that to my parents. So its been 3-4 years now and I’ve been a lifeless drone just as I had been years ago.

 

After the break-up, I mourned; I felt as if i’ve killed someone, her. I fell apart because it was my own doing. I recalled things i’ve said or done and saw my own handiwork performing the destruction. It was horrible witnessing oneself as such, sheer horror to see that you are the one, you are the one who did the m*****. I’m speaking in metaphors obviously, but I felt bad for hurting her and felt i killed a person I loved, a spirit.

 

And I’ve felt like I didn’t wanna live anymore. It would have been so much easier to just end it. But i just realized that I did it anyway, I committed suicide in some mental or spiritual way. I killed myself. I’m lifeless, a drone, a shadow. Everything I do is… without life… I don’t want anything. It's all mechanical? reactionary? I’m a robot. Its all fake. All of it. (Besides my desires?)

 

So, yes, in a way I committed spiritual suicide, and now I’m just a warm body walking around. I do what I need, go to work, etc. This just dawned on me, even though I thought about this before. Everything about me is lifeless.

 

I cannot attempt to attain anything at all, love, work, school, social… anything at all, if i’m dead, if i continue to be dead. I want to achieve discipline, why? Because it would enable me get better and do other things, and actually get them accomplished. But i cannot attain discipline if i’m dead. Or is it the other way around? I need discipline to come back to life?

How do you bring oneself back to life? The flame inside has died, there's nothing...

 

-MF

 

 

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"The opposite of depression is not happiness, but vitality, and it was vitality that seemed to seep away from me in that moment." -Andrew Solomon

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Mr. Frenzy, 

 

Hello and welcome to DF.  We are glad you are here.  

 

I can relate pretty closely to your story.  I'm 45, lost my wife of 19 years when I was 38.  Spent almost 5 years in a lifeless state.  Thought about suicide often but couldn't do that to my two kids.  I've mourned and grieved with great intensity and for a long time.  I've had my flame burn out, and like you been lifeless to the point it could be described as mental or spiritual suicide.  

 

So how do you bring yourself back when the flame inside has died and there is nothing...well I think you should look at that statement again.  There is something there, because you found this forum and posted a question on how to make it back.  That's a first good step.  DF is a great place with a lot of people who are all going through similar situations and feelings, and we all want to help and support each other.  

 

So keep posting here and read through the other forums.  There are some really knowledgeable members on here.  Become your own activist for mental health as much as you can during the times you are able to put forth some effort.  Find a good therapist...which will likely take you more than one try.  I keep recommending psychologytoday.com as a good resource to find help in your zip code.

 

I would be happy to share more with you about my experience if you'd like to message me.  

 

Take care and we'll see you around.

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Hi Mr Frenzy--Welcome to the Depression Forum.

I want to tell you that you did nothing--you did not commit any kind of suicide.

Depression is what makes you feel this way. Depression is what makes you go over every little action in your life and depression is what paints you the villain.

You did nothing to deserve it. Your brain was born that way.

That said, maybe your meds don't work as well as they could. So, maybe different meds.

Maybe try something new, just to jolt your brain a bit. Take a walk. Listen to music--especially music you've never heard before.

Your info says you live in New York, NY, a city with amazing possibilities and choices. You might not have any choice about being depressed, but you can make a choice to fight it. You made the choice to come here, didn't you?

Right now everything feels robotic but you're doing something different--writing on a depression forum and (hopefully) reading answers. Many of us have felt exactly what you are feeling, so please know that you're not alone. And keep reading and coming back.

I am not a doctor, just a fellow sufferer. I can't promise your anhedonia will leave or leave for good. Mine comes and goes, but it's better if you're doing something about it and doing it with people who have been on a similar journey.

Welcome again!

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I think to say that you killed yourself is too strong.

 

Perhaps, rather, you've only injured your emotional state.

 

I understand your feelings, having been depressed for most of my life, and that depression leading to a hapless attempt to woo the most remarkable woman I've ever experienced.  I have NO DOUBT that sans mental illness, I'd have been much bolder and effective.  But that's true with a lot of my life, as well.

 

I would ask that you continue to try to work your way out of this.  At thirty-six, you'll have many more opportunities at a loving, satisfying relationship, not to mention excelling at many other facets of life.

 

Best regards.

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I looked up the definition on wikipedia

 

I definitely agree with "passive joylessness and dreariness, discouragement, dejection, lack of taste and zest and spring." but i'm not sure if this is true for me "inability to experience pleasure from activities usually found enjoyable, e.g. exercise, hobbies, music, sexual activities or social interactions."

 

I'm certainly a hedonist and derive my pleasures from many things. They also mention "motivational anhedonia" but i would argue that motivation is an emotion and we can not, obviously, rely on our emotions as a source of action. I think discipline is a good idea to focus on at this time as I lack it completely. 

 

I think the question is, what do you want? What do I want? Nothing!... well maybe not,... I do want a nice girl, a big family, and many other things, but i don't want them hard enough? I don't want them enough to do something about it and always choose the easy way out. Out of everything, denying myself the possibility to even succeed, because? It is more comfortable, its easier, safe.

 

I started brainstorming about what I'd want out of life if i had enough money to have my needs met AND a loving relationship. What would I want then? Ideas poured over days, there are many, but I just don't have the want, nor the discipline to achieve (i'm my own excuse note). I just hate that I'm squandering a good mind, body, soul and I have all i need in life, live in a big city,... I'm attending a very prestigious university, i got so much going for me, but i squander it all.

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Try not to be so hard on yourself.  Break ups are extremely difficult, especially when you feel you have met the one who will be your life mate, someone you can share your dreams with.  The same thing happened to me.  It took me a lot and I mean a lot of therapy to understand all the blame I was putting on myself was not really valid. I was lost, like you, but through it all found the whole break up was not all about me making mistakes but my partner as well.  I just didn't want to be single again after a ten year relationship.  So I put up with the abuse, cheating, and all the rest just to keep my partner.   Turns out I wasn't making that many mistakes, my partner was.  

 

The point is, you are 36, attending a great university and have many blessings, your health, a good soul among many more wonderful attributes.  Please look at those and use them as a foundation for getting better and taking some of the blame off yourself.  We have this in common. I have many blessings right now, being in the best financial position ever, but squandering it away because don't have the energy, or want to enjoy it.  I am much older than you , 62, but believe me, if you can get over this hurdle and start feeling positive about yourself again, letting yourself off the hook, I see nothing but much happiness and success for you to come.

 

Feel free to IM me if you like as I see much of myself in you.

 

My very best to you.

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Hi MrFrenzy,

Your post resonates with me, so I hope I can help, even if only a little. Right off, you didn't **** her (or a part of her), or what you two had together. It was a relationship, not a dictatorship. Sure, whatever behavior, real or imagined, you were responsible for, it was a two-way street. No matter how dark that street was for her, she was not a helpless captive. If there were deep, mortal cuts to that relationship, she was holding out either out of sincere hope that her worst fears wouldn't be realized, or her intuition heard the freight train barreling down the tracks and she held on just to rake your balls over the coals later. In a weird way, we're giving ourselves too much credit as the "man" (figuratively as well as literally) when we think that we, like some knock-off Cobra Commanders, point our fingers menacingly at all those helpless "she's" and yell "CCCCOOOBBBRRAAAAAHHHH!"  As "highanxiety" noted above, whatever mistakes were made, try and let yourself off the hook: you're human. If you weren't, this regret wouldn't exist. 

 

Now, as is often the case in a format like this, I feel like we're getting part of the picture, but could use some more passes to sculpt something we can really get our hands on and work with. Jesus, by that last statement I guess my own anhedonia is on the wane. Anyway, lemme just ask a few questions to see if we can get at the root of this whole thing. Oh...- I just said "root".
So, NYC. Born & raised or did you go there for the education? Maybe it's the $6 peanut butter that lured you there; God, I miss that awful, wonderful city. What's your field of study; I mean, what's your deal? Assuming she walked up and said "Let's roll back the clock" what does that alternate future look like for you- besides the house and kids and Brita-filters changed every 3 months, cuz life is good and what the **** it's only $40 for the 3-pack and I'm about to make it rain at this register at Kohl's, g'D***it! I mean, what used to motivate you in the before time- before "her" and "it". When you say "prestigious" I'm guessing Columbia? NYU? Irregardless, hats off to you! Living there is an education in and of itself, without having to deal with the rigors of university. 

 

I'm just wondering because it caught me how two linked themes in your posts seem dominant: death and discipline.
 

Death: a) "The flame inside has died, there's nothing..." b) "...felt as if i’ve killed someone, her" c)"...did the m*****" d) "...didn't wanna live anymore" e)"....spiritual suicide"
 

Discipline: a) "I do want a nice girl, a big family, and many other things" b) "I just don't have the want, nor the discipline to achieve" c)"it would enable me get better and do other things" d) "...denying myself the possibility to even succeed, because? It is more comfortable..."

There are no wrong answers, friend. Let us know what you think.

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