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Do You Feel Special/exceptional In The Worst Way Possible?


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Do you truly believe you are the worst person in the world?

Terrible in every way, alienated, below all other beings, a golem in a world of sparkling jewels?

If so, how often do you have these thoughts?

How much do you believe them and how has it affected your life?

What do you hate about yourself?

Do you have any idea what the source of your self-hatred is?

I truly believe that I am not human. I don't know why I exist or what to do with my life. Simply existing feels horrifically existential, like my life is the anticlimactic punchline to the most nihilistic joke ever.

Then I realize that people far better than me in every way are tortured and killed every day. They suffer horrors that I can't even imagine. Beautiful, pure, perfect people are torn apart and wasted all in the name of what?.... Nature? The order of life? Is that just how the world works?

Yet, here I am. Mutating more every second; becoming the manifestation of all the ugliness in the universe. A visceral testament of nothing.

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I'm so sorry you feel so bad about yourself.  You must be suffering very deeply.

 

I had to think about your question for a few minutes.  I have been in very, very dark places.  I have hated myself, this body, the very essence of who I am.  But I'm not sure I have ever compared myself to what I imagine the worst human to be and think of myself as worse.  Maybe that's because judging another as "the worst human" feels like the wrong thing for me to be doing.  And I'm not sure I could even do that.  But say we decide that some mass m*rderer on d*ath row is the "worst human" alive.  Have I ever thought of myself as worse than that?  No.

 

I guess I wonder if you *really* have thought yourself worse than that kind of person?  If you have, why?  Where does that thought come from?  

 

Now, I *have* thought, at times, (many, many times, actually - most of my stupid life, as it turns out) that I have no purpose here.  That this life is pointless. That I'm useless.  That nobody would care if I died or disappeared.  That I make no difference in this stupid, godawful world. I wonder if maybe that's what you're feeling? 

 

One thing keeps me wondering about that, and it's a weird sort of thing, so sorry if it seems kind of silly.  There's this botanist in Hawaii, Steve Perlman, who they did this documentary about back in 2009, I think, because he would climb these precarious cliffs to pollinate the only living specimen of a plant called the alula.  The pollinator that used to have the job had become extinct, and the only way this plant would not die out is if humans took on the job.  Think about that. This man risked his life to save a tiny plant.  A stupid piece of greenery that nobody knew or cared about.  

 

Well, i thought that was just amazing.  And I got to thinking that, if there were people in the world that did this sort of thing, and if this single, tiny plant was important for some reason in this world, then maybe, just maybe I am, too.

 

Just sayin'.

 

Take care.

rhyl 

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I hate myself so much that I don't even remember what "loving myself" is like.  I have not "liked" myself since I was a child.  I feel like I am just "making myself useful", because I have no worth otherwise.  

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My self hatred feels like a terminal disease. I think ive realised (in moments - not always able) that it is symptom of how others have treated me. It isnt really a logical thing and rather a primal instinctual bone deep thing.You have spoken about emotional abuse and I have wondered about that when when it comes to this.  I wrote a thread about mantras and this is one of mine. I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself. 

 

I hope you start being able to let that self hatred go and not listen to it. If it was a voice telling you that you are green with purple spots it would be no more valid. 

Edited by Fizzle
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Hi Nisemono,

 

I walk through every day feeling like a fraud, pretending that I am worth taking up space, in the hope that one day, I'll feel like I'm worth that space. Act as if, fake it until you make, etc.

 

In my case, I fight a constant war with the messages I was given as a child, and then repeatedly throughout adulthood as well. I have felt special in that "all of this pain and suffering couldn't possibly be visited on one person without some kind of higher purpose." Some days, that gets me by. Others, not so much, especially when I believe the people around me expect too much of me or aren't respecting my limits. I've learned to live with this hollow death for years. It's not what I want, and all the wise people in the world will tell you to unlock your own prison. Easy to say when you're not being abused.

 

I wonder where you learned these ideas about yourself. Any chance you could question their validity?

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Hi Nisemono, Yeah, invalidation has felt worse than the issue itself for me along the way. People are ignorant and misinformed about self-harm. Knowing this only takes one so far, though. Forgiveness a little farther. Sometimes when people validate me now, it feels condescending and cruel. As in, "Yes, I see you drowning there. That must suck. (Off to dinner with my friends who don't exhaust me now...)" Maybe I'm never satisfied. Maybe I don't want to be. Who knows?

 

The only thing that has ever helped me is being able to talk honestly about it, including the idea that, no, things don't always get better. Maybe that sounds defeatist, but in my experience, facing reality and accepting it offers some comfort. Instead of changing it, why not use it to your advantage to create a life that may feel better, more along the lines of who you really are? Ever considered writing? You do it well.

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