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New Here, Suffering From Depression And Anxiety

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Hello everyone!  My name is Logan.


I've been suffering from severe depression ever since about half way through my first year in college.  I was a 4.0 student, ambitious, and (seemingly) highly functional up to that point.  But then I felt so terrible, and so anxious as well, and my psychiatrist put me on a low dose of Zoloft at that time.  After that I went totally suicidal.  I felt lower than I ever remembered feeling up to that point, and the only thing going through my mind was my own corpse.


I was taken off of the zoloft, then a couple months later went in to try something else, this time mainly for social anxiety issues.  I was put on Paxil, which seemed to work really well at first.  Then, about three months later I had a major breakdown.  I had heard some story on the news about some terrible incident of child abuse, and it just set me off on this weird nihilistic depressive episode. 


I sort of got over that after like a month.  And then I was living with this guy I was dating.  During that time I just stopped caring about everything.  I was stoned for most of the day, every day, and there was one point where we would just lay in bed and smoke cigarettes, using the floor as an ashtray. Then we started fighting all the time because neither of us had jobs, and it turned really awful at the end.  There was a domestic "incident" involving him holding me hostage.  It was a really violent, scary night and I had to pound on the walls in my apartment building for someone to call 911, as he had smashed my phone.  Now I have a restraining order out against him, but it's just so weird still and I miss him so much sometimes.  He was the first guy I ever really REALLY loved.  Too much.


That was the end of our relationship, though, and it happened about three months ago now.  I've had some of my worst depression since then, but I'm trying so hard now to get better.  I've been going to therapy regularly, and have tried so many meds with my psychiatrist, who thinks that seratonin-affecting medications make me suicidal.


Sometimes I just feel so hopeless, and it's so painful to look at a potential life-long struggle with depression.  I worry about how it's going to effect all of the dreams I've had.  I was studying Japanese in school and planned/plan to go to Tokyo for a year to teach English after I graduate, but now that just seems like it would be so... difficult. 


I don't know.  I try to stay positive, I try to meditate, I try to do what I need to do to pay rent but it's soooo hard sometimes.  It's so hard just to exist when there's this evil cloud over everything.  I'm hoping this forum will be a good support place, because I feel really guilty calling my mom to complain to her.  Hahaha.


Besides depression I love to write.  My dream is to become a self-sufficient writer and novelist. (I know, how cliche.)  I'm an analytical person, I love to think, I love to have deep conversations with people, I love politics, I love debate.  There are tons of things I love, when I can remember that I love them. 

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