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Another Newbie, I Feel So Lost

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hi, I'm Kelly. Where to start? Depression seems to run in my family, and now it's visiting me. I've been struggling with this for about a year on & off. I'm in my early 60s, and have a Masters in a science discipline, but I'm mostly retired.

A bit of background: if you look up dysfunctional in the dictionary you'll see a pic of my family! Alcoholic mother with depression & borderline personality disorder, Dad who self medicated with alcohol but was a functional parent, older sister who resented me from birth. My Dad's job and my mother's "grass is greener" syndrome meant we moved every year or so until I was 13, then we moved to the town where my parents grew up. In 12 years I went to 7 different schools. After the third one I stopped making friends and was pretty much a loner. In high school I made a couple of friends but I now realize I couldn't keep friends because I didn't know how to be one-I had no practice. My best friend was my sweet, wonderful dog. The relative I was closest to was a male cousin my age. He lived in the town where I went to high school so we were together a lot. He explained boys to me and I explained girls to him. We were best friends until we were in our mid-20s and he was "saved". His church didn't approve of my agnostic views and they drove a wedge between us. I was alone again.

Fast forward to now. I've been married for 30 years to the best guy I've ever known. He's mostly kind and helpful, loving and a pretty happy guy. We have always had the kind of relationship that others say they wish they had. No one in his family's has had depression from what I can see, they're a great bunch of folks! My parents are dead and I have no contact with anyone else in my family, and that's a very healthy thing for me!

I started on Welbutrin 2 months ago and it seems to be helping. I'm still having problems with lethargy and some mood swings, but nothing like I was. I've never been suicidal, I had a close friend commit suicide 20 years ago and I saw (and felt) the pain & confusion he left behind. I could never do that.

Last night my husband, Mark, asked me to watch a video. It was a woman speaking about relationships and sex. She called it the sexless marriage. Ok, we don't have sex as often as we used to but good grief, we're in our 60s! Plus I have severe arthritis and chronic migraines. We have sex about every 2 weeks and it's really good. Anyway, this speaker's message was that I need to stop saying no even if I'm in pain and "just do it". Her words. I feel like Mark dropped a bomb on me! Add to this that 4 days ago I had a long talk with him about my depression and how it was affecting me. I asked him for extra kindness and understanding, and to cut me extra slack. So he throws this video in my face. I got about 3 hours of sleep last night, and cried for hours. I'm still crying. I feel betrayed and like I don't have the right to say no all of a sudden. I'm so depressed right now it's crushing me. Did he not hear a word I said about what I'm going thru? He couldn't have screwed this up worse if he'd funded a study!! I don't know how to talk to him and I've never had that problem before. What do I say? How can I help him understand? I thought about us seeing a therapist but the wait times are weeks or months.

Wow, this turned into a long story, sorry about that. Any advice would be so welcome, I'm so lost.


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Hi Kelly,


I'm a 50-year-old single mom to one teenage son so I don't know how much help I can be in the relationship department since it's been years since I've been in one.  Sometimes I think that may be part of my loneliness and depression, but now I can see there are 2 sides to everything.


You say your husband comes from a happy family.  Maybe it's just hard for him to understand depression as it is for anyone who has never "been there".  I understand why you're feeling hurt and think couples counseling would be a great thing for you so a professional can help him understand what depression really is and not something you can just "snap out of".  Even if you can't get in for a while, I'm sure it would be worth the wait.


I'm glad you found the forum though, it's a great place to come and vent.  There's even a relationship group where maybe you could talk to people who understand what you're going through better than a lonely old single woman..lol.  I hope everything works out for you.

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Hey, Kelly - welcome!




Couples therapy?  Therapy on your own?  (Actually, it sounds like your husband REALLY needs depression explained to him... )


Ask your doc to adjust your meds - I remember Wellbutrin causing me some lethargy?

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You're completely justified in feeling hurt by the way your husband responded to your vulnurability when discussing your depression with him.  I agree with the earlier posts - maybe he just really doesn't understand depression.  I think because depression and other mental illnesses are "invisible," it makes non-sufferers especially likely to forget about it or not take it seriously, especially if the sufferer is really good at putting on a happy front most of the time.  I think you should talk to him about how you feel now, and tell him that the video he showed you is stressing you if you haven't.


You might want to put yourself on that waitlist.  It could be helpful, even if you have to wait a while for it.


I admire your courage in overcoming that adversity in your early life.  It sounds like you've done some really cool things since then.

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Seriously? What he did was a slap in the face. Like "i couldn't care less about what you feel, do your wifely duty."

I had flashbacks to my last marriage when I read that. I am so sorry. You deserve to be better treated than that.

If I had heard that,l would have told him to get better acquainted with his hand, because you ain't getting no more from me.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

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