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What I Am Doing To Improve Life


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20years,

 

It is almost amusing sometimes.  I work as a recruiter, placing talented professionals - attorneys, legal assistants and paralegals mainly - and there seems to be a correlation lately that the more talented and the better the person, the more likely they are to be looking to leave due to one or more people in their organizations who are just flat out awful.

 

I think a lot of it is just the downward pressure, the race to the bottom that global competition and technology have had on accelerating a capitalism not adequately restrained by regulatory schemes.

 

Anyway, the most fun thing about my job are the opportunities I get to help these folks who just get it, and recently, I have had a little success at it in some creative ways, leveraging contacts in the capital.

 

I floated a wager with a colleague (who I think rightly thinks I'm a little crazy) that I can use networking skills to meet the President before he's out of office.  It's more of a game, plus I would love to meet President Obama.  So far--and this happened before I got this idea--I have a senior attorney for a US Senator working to get my family a private tour at the White House, because I set him up to meet with two government relations firms (one that does a lot of good work for the world, the other I don't know as well).  I got the second connection through another US Senate candidate I met through another candidate...and so it goes, when you seek to live your life this way:  

 

 

From my linkedin summary:

Mission statements must be adapted to those we have the opportunity to serve and lead.  When we challenge ourselves to put the golden rule into practical action, we can achieve more than we imagined.  "You can have everything in life you want if you'll help enough other people get what they want."​  --Zig Ziglar.  This is not just a profitable and effective professional practice, it is a way of living that is proven to empower human flourishing in any sphere or context.

 

This differs with energy level with manic depressive disorder, but it can virtually always be lived.  The privilege of being wealthy or having security is that it should empower and allow one to live a happier life precisely because one then has expanded opportunities to help others and in so doing help himself.  I know of no other philosophy for excellence or living a good life.  

 

And so silently, when I come across these mal-adjusted people who seem to react to life with a need to be unkind or doltish toward others, I repeat in my mind what Churchilll said to Hitler (no, I am not comparing garden variety bad people to Hitler, but the quote is germain):  "You do your worst and we will do our best."

 

Best,

-g

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Well done Gandolf and well said. I'm glad you are going to do what you can about dear Cruella. What I find sad is that these people get away with as much as they do. In fact many thrive as a result of ruthless game playing, blaming, scapegoating and out-and-out sabatage of various types. i wish I believed in karma. I think I did but life ruined that for me. 

 

Yes I know Cruella's many brothers, sisters and other general despicable family members. Have had 10 odd months of struggling greatly as a result of one only to be hit by another at the same time a month or so ago. Hence me not posting as much. 

 

I truly hope you get the job but regardless you should be very proud of what you have done with the interview process. Even from the outside here it is very evident that so much of your struggles are linked to work and that exacting self critic you have been handed. It sounds like the job would suit you very well so well done too for putting together something that will use your skills but be in harmony with your personality and morals. 

 

And I'm sending some bad energy to your dear Cruella. Positive would be nicer - in the hope that she will see the light - but I'm afraid I am pretty negative at present and pretty tired of being nice so bad energy it is! 

Edited by Fizzle
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Fizzle,

 

I so enjoyed reading your post here.  Thanks.  I hope you're doing all right.  

 

My wife sent me something today - one of those little encouragement pic memes, with an Owl saying Owl You Need Is Love.  It reminds me of the great Beatles song.  I didn't realize it until the last few years, but this has always been my philosophy of life.  We all die eventually, and we don't know with certainty about the nature or existence of permanence (certainly as to consciousness), and so it is incumbent upon us to seek to identify and live within that which we think is the greatest of things available to us in this life, as we have the light to see it.

 

And that is love.  It is a knowledge and  peace that passes understanding.

 

I hope you have as good a day as possible.

 

 

 

 

"All You Need Is Love"
 

Love, love, love
Love, love, love
Love, love, love

There's nothing you can do that can't be done
Nothing you can sing that can't be sung
Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game
It's easy

Nothing you can make that can't be made
No one you can save that can't be saved
Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you in time
It's easy

All you need is love
All you need is love
All you need is love, love
Love is all you need

Love, love, love
Love, love, love
Love, love, love

All you need is love
All you need is love
All you need is love, love
Love is all you need

Nothing you can know that isn't known
Nothing you can see that isn't shown
Nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be
It's easy

All you need is love
All you need is love
All you need is love, love
Love is all you need

All you need is love (All together, now!)
All you need is love (Everybody!)
All you need is love, love
Love is all you need
Love is all you need (Love is all you need)
Love is all you need (Love is all you need)
Love is all you need (Love is all you need)
Love is all you need (Love is all you need)
Love is all you need (Love is all you need)
Love is all you need (Love is all you need)
Love is all you need (Love is all you need)
Love is all you need (Love is all you need)
Love is all you need (Love is all you need)
Love is all you need (Love is all you need)
Love is all you need (Love is all you need)
Yee-hai! (Love is all you need)
Love is all you need (Love is all you need)

Yesterday (Love is all you need)
Love is all you need (Love is all you need)
Love is all you need (Love is all you need)
Love is all you need (Love is all you need)
Oh yeah! (Love is all you need)
She loves you, yeah yeah yeah (Love is all you need)
She loves you, yeah yeah yeah (Love is all you need)
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So amused at thinking of my wife as "Mrs. Gandolifcation", hahaha.

 

She does indeed work with wonderful people, a 4 1/2 year old and a 6 1/2 hear old.  You can't forget the hals 'cuz they'll remind you about how different the extra half year makes things.  She is a homemaker these days taking care of our two girls, and we have a third boy on the way (that was totally non-planned - we are one family so we're excited, but it ratcheted up the pressure several levels for me).

 

She is a wonderful person which is why love abounds even in the most neurotic of relationships.

 

-g

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  • 4 weeks later...

It never fails.  I had an upswing over the last few months, related a lot to some hope from some job interviewing.

I've lost 25 pounds, which is great, because in the middle of that I confirmed I am pre-diabetic (although I've improved it so much so far that it isn't really much of a concern and it's helped me improve my eating habits further).  

 

I was able to get my family confirmed in a beautiful new rental house nearby, which we'll move into mid-next month.  This was practically miraculous (and the result of my dad offering to help a little with the security deposit, etc. since our credit is still crap and my income isn't much better).

 

The baby is fast approaching in December.

 

Work just keeps getting worse when I didn't think it could.  I need a word stronger than toxic.  A couple of potential positions may come to offer in the next month.

 

My great fear is that I will be fired at the end of August and then be hanging by a thread and of course instantly less employable.  Also, the job opportunity that would be best is a client, which means they email me at work and may know almost immediately if I am no longer in this hellish job.  I doubt they would be likely to understand.  This is in the future, and I keep practicing living in the present.

 

I've really been meaning to reconnect here a little with some of the good people I've had the good fortune to interact with.  But with life seeming some busy and often fractured (although also good in a lot of ways), it seems that the mounting feeling of desperation and fear is what most oft brings me back here.

 

I hope others here are getting through all right, and I hope and look forward to reconnecting in the coming weeks.

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g,

Don't stress yourself out trying to reconnect, unless it's truly a source of strength for you.  I'm glad you were able to find a new place, and that your dad was able to help you.  I'm sorry about the toxic workplace, I think that's probably 95% people.  For me, that's what it was, though I didn't realize this until the toxic person left nearly two years ago.  How about septic or venomous?  Septic sounds apropos.  :hugs:   Keep up the good fight, g.

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sometimes i also wondered if getting on here and posting equates to something like "practicing being depressed". but it also seems to help...especially when there is nowhere else to vent or it's not a good idea to talk to people you know about it. i am not sure where the line of balance is on that.

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Both great posts - thanks!!!  I can use and appreciate the digital hugs right now.

 

Yesterday my landlord sent us a threatening letter demanding funds because we're leaving our lease a month early, which I thought that had agreed to based on my requests and arguments to them - but no, they're trying to hold and pressure us to pay an extra $3k, which I don't have, and if we have to withhold rent as I have told them we will, I'm concerned they my actually begin an eviction proceeding - it's scary as hell anyway, but more so with a pregnant wife and two little girls who I would do anything for - I feel helpless, and scared and somehow guilty and ashamed - which can't be appropriate or warranted - but they're feelings, not facts.

 

I'm trying to pray, stay grounded, talking to some family, etc.  Being a lawyer (and knowing some good ones) helps, but mainly this is an emotional vortex with anxiety at work, home and life.  Ahhhhhh!  Well, things change.  I will be in a new house soon, and right now I'm in this present moment.

 

I love this place and you all here who understand.  Kindness and hugs here all 'round today.

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So last night I sent a pretty strongly worded legal email to my landlord.  I did begin by asking if a mistake had been made.

 

They emailed me back this morning saying yes indeed, it was a mistake from an accountant who wasn't in the loop and a new letter would be forthcoming.  I don't have that detail yet, but this should be some progress and maybe a lot.  It feels good - and I didn't quite go full on scorched earth ., although I got pretty close, threatening legal actions, calling the board of health, etc.  Oh well, sometimes the little people have to make some noise to be heard.

 

I just ate lunch up on the roof my building.  Beautiful day out...and I could see other metro workers out across the concrete canyons doing the same.  It reminds me that the strange universe we live in still bequeaths its beauty intertwined with pain. It also reminds me of the conundrum of our capitalist experiment - that the system that in part helped build these steel jungles now prevents us from using much of the supposed leisure time to enjoy the view from atop them.  But there are moments and we can be in them despite the noise.

 

A deal is getting delayed at work that could make or break my status here for the next month.  But I've had a few smaller things go right here yesterday.  And when I remember loving kindness, I remember we are all just fumbling our way through this mysterious life.

 

Update:  I just realized I think how wistful and sentimental all that probably sounded.  But I'm too old now to hide it and have come mostly to like my emotional nature anyway.  Without it, I know life wouldn't be either as interesting or as worth living for me.

Edited by gandolfication
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g,

I'm glad the landlord thing is working out, and that you didn't have to implement the 'scorched earth' part.

 

Lunch on the roof sounds really nice, actually.  Wouldn't get me much of a view out here, but I bet it does give you a nice perspective. 

Promise me it's just a nice change of pace, though, and not something darker.

I think you have too much to live for to fall for that, but I guess I still worry.

 

Shame on you for thinking you have to hide who you are, g.  Wistful away, man!

 

How's the little mama holding up? 

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20yearsandCounting,

 

I always enjoy what you write.

 

The roof views are nice.  I'm not going to mince words (who does around here?).  Much of the time when I see (or even think of) something beautiful like being atop, near the edge of a roof, walking near traffic, etc., I have either barely subconscious or fully conscious and even intentional thoughts like, it would be soo easy.....  Sometimes I'm closer than other times.  I am okay celebrating this fragility of life while I try to stop short of romanticizing suicide, as I definitely used to.  I don't always get it right.  I still struggle more with the fear (and the pain) of life than the fear of death.  But, on the very positive side, I find that being cognizant of the reality of death is a part of living in the moment and taking the biggest bite out of life.  So rather than spin my wheels resisting this disposition I have, I mostly accept it and keep in view that it is often a nostalgia and desire for peace, joy, security, etc., not actually a desire to die.  And the only way I can have or even have the possibility of joy, security, love, etc. is to be alive to experience it.  And yes, I do have too much to live for, and one laugh or 'toddler assault' when I arrive home, always reminds me of this.  Whew! Long answer.

 

Baby mama is good.  We had a bit of a falling out this weekend while trying to manage some crazy errands and her cell phone died for several hours (I thought they may have been in a car accident or something).  In the larger picture, this is probably an affirmation of love, but wow it was painful, and I overshot a little.

 

And yah, thanks for saying it's okay to be wistful and emotional.  It still think, most of the time, that it beats being a robot.

 

-g

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Weird update from yesterday and today.

 

Minor thing is that the TMS provider decided to hire a law firm to try to collect $10k from me for services that, in short, were negligent and not provided at any minimal standard of quality or care.  I'm handling that, but what a nuisance.  I think I'll wear them down eventually (I realize that sounds very militant, but that is what litigation becomes - it is a form of 'civilized' battle and in context, a part of me enjoys it).

 

Second, my boss walked me around the block and told me I have 2 weeks left before they are letting me go (a week and a half now).  But then he also said they wanted me to apply for and interview for a position with our retained executive search group, which is a much better position for me, and in fact is a promotion.   I had two interviews for it today that went well.  The reasons this makes sense are a little involved, but it is a good thing, and I'm grateful for it.

 

So, by next Friday, I won't be in the miserable position I currently am.  All things change, and although there is some trepidation and stress, I'm glad this one will be changing quickly.  Thank god or whoever is out there.

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g,

Aaahh, love those wars of attrition.  If determination counts for anything, I think you've got this.

 

I hear you loud and clear about the suic*dal thoughts in certain situations.  I only have to deal with that now when my anxiety's been pretty bad, but I sort of see it the same way.  More of an inner desire for peace & security that I have to be alive to appreciate. There's another aspect to it that I won't go into, though, because it might trigger someone. 

 

Can't say that I blame you for overshooting on the whole dead cell phone issue.  Pretty scary, especially in this day and age.  And congrats on the 'promotion' and improvement in work circumstances.  Sometimes that's worth as much as money in the stress it saves us. 

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  • 1 month later...

Life is strange. The haven't been able to be here for a little while. Just been so busy. I almost got fired but instead was promoted. That was and is good. Bette position as an executive search recruiter, recruiting director level to CEOs for emerging to mid cap companies. My own office, laptop, working with higher level of professionals. Unfortunately, my company plays hardball, and simce they knewy numbers, they offered no raise.

We moved into a new rental house which is better for us and the kids.

We're just out of money.

I don't want to continue to love with the stress and indignity of not knowing and not being able to take care of or phone oviee security to my family. And right now I feel like I'm not sure how much longer I'm going to. Im just worn down. No one wants to live this long in this kind of state of fear. Insuppose most of us hear do, and maybe most do in general.

I have the opportunity to get a raise withing the next 2 months. And there is always the possibility still of a real higher paying job. It always is out there. Yah, in just tired of feeling desperate. When I interviewd (11 times) for this current promotion sans raise, the President told me I just have to keep running ahead of the flames. I thoughtbto myself, 'really? Is that all there is? I know what that's like.'

There are still things I do when iblive in the moment and I think am still happy at times. Watching my kids. Taking them places. A great movie or book. I took them on a tour of the white house today which was cool.

But I am back here because I needed to be. I am losing the desire to keep living.

My son will be coming in mid December, and I have no answers. It should be exciting, but is not really at all if I am honest because I don't know how to turn off the thoughts or reality adequately. (What sort of awful world permits this?)

I'm being sued my the unscrupulous TMS provider for $10,000 I don't have (and they don't deserve, but theyll be able to win a judgment and can collect at least some through garnishment, which I can't afford reputationally or financially.

I know my family will have more stability and better loves with me still here. But I don't know if I can live via that motivation for much longer. I can't expell the fear from the front of my mind.

Well, posting here is something I wanted to do. I'm not sure why.

Beautiful fall day. Will be gone too soon.

Hope others here are well.

Perhaps I'll find my way through this. I want to see a satisfying outcome (or at least one that isn't bats*** crazy) to our next US election. I guess one day, one moment at a time as always. I know I have experienced love as much or more than most. That is something.

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Finished the the five episodes of a game called ''Life is strange'' :P lifeisstrange.jpg

 

We should battle the world as warhammer space marines do to their enemies

 

Space Marine pledge

 

What is your life?
My honour is my life.
What is your fate?
My duty is my fate.
What is your fear?
My fear is to fail.
What is your reward?
My salvation is my reward.
What is your craft?
My craft is death.
What is your pledge?
My pledge is eternal service

 

[Please PM member for links]

 

What is it to be a Space Marine?
-It is to be death!
What is it to be death?
-It is to be the destroyer, the end of all things.
What is it to end life?
-It is an honour, to be the executioners of the Emperor.
Why do we fight?
-To protect the Imperium and deliver mankind from the evil of the xenos, the mutant and the heretic!
What is the xenos?
-A blight to be purged!
What is the mutant?
-A cancer to be excised!
What is the heretic?
-A shame to be expunged!
What is the bolter, the flamer, the missile?
-The incarnation of destruction, by which we bring about the death of the Emperor's foes!
What is the armour, the helm and the shield?
-The embodiment of our faith, our determination given form.
Who is the primarch?
-Our father, our guide, our king!
Who is the Chapter Master?
-The primarch's regent, to whom we swore oaths, the voice of the Emperor in the mortal world.
What are our oaths?
-The steel that binds our lives to the Emperor.
What did we swear?
-Our lives are as nought in the vision of the Emperor, save that by them we shall destroy all foes.
What is the fate of all foes?
-To perish in the fire of battle and be cleansed from the galaxy.
Who will prevail against the darkness?
-The Ultramarines!
Who are the swords of the Emperor?
-The Ultramarines!
Who are the sons of Magragge?
-The Ultramarines!
For the Emperor and the primarch! Death! Bring death to our foes!
-The Macragge Catechism of Hate

 

[Please PM member for links]

Edited by 20YearsandCounting
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That's a pretty big load to carry, g.   :hugs:   It almost sounds like you see yourself as being in it alone, as far as providing for your family.  I know you're not, you and your wife are partners.  What shape that partnership takes is between you guys, though.  Cling to those good times, g, when you have time with the kids or with your wife. 

 

I know it's hard to turn off the anxiety and worry.  Keep focusing on what you can do, and do your best to shut out the rest.  Easier said than done, I know.  One step at a time, g.  One step at a time, one moment at a time.  You'll get through this, and it will get better at some point.  :hugs:

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G, I've given up on the election.  I wish we had some choices in between the Dems and Reps!

 

Persevere, my friend.  It sounds like you're doing just that.  You were promoted.  You may get a raise in a couple of months!

 

In the meantime, keep enjoying those beautiful fall days, even if it's only for a few minutes.  And remind yourself that things may just slowly improve.

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Hi gandolf, 

Knowing so much love is no little thing and you deserve it. You also deserve some relief from the rest and I hope i comes soon. I have been the provider whilst depressed before, without children, and I found it in immense strain so you are way stronger than me by doing what you are and have been doing. Sometimes we magically do what we have to do until something magically makes things easier. Magically as in beyond our understanding rather than wands and smoke. 

 

Well done on the promotion. Another sign that you are survivor. Sending you much support. 

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That's a pretty big load to carry, g.   :hugs:   It almost sounds like you see yourself as being in it alone, as far as providing for your family.  I know you're not, you and your wife are partners.  What shape that partnership takes is between you guys, though.  Cling to those good times, g, when you have time with the kids or with your wife. 

 

I know it's hard to turn off the anxiety and worry.  Keep focusing on what you can do, and do your best to shut out the rest.  Easier said than done, I know.  One step at a time, g.  One step at a time, one moment at a time.  You'll get through this, and it will get better at some point.  :hugs:

  

Good reminder.  Thanks for the encouraging and useful information.

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G, I've given up on the election.  I wish we had some choices in between the Dems and Reps!

 

Persevere, my friend.  It sounds like you're doing just that.  You were promoted.  You may get a raise in a couple of months!

 

In the meantime, keep enjoying those beautiful fall days, even if it's only for a few minutes.  And remind yourself that things may just slowly improve.

 

Thanks RatBoy.

 

I love the Fall.  My favorite season (by a wide margin) - if I had to choose one season that wouldn't change, it would be Fall.

 

Re:  "remind yourself that things may just slowly improve," you're right.  Several of you have reminded me of this.  It is already what I was clinging to, but it is affirming to have it confirmed here by others who know.

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That's a pretty big load to carry, g.   :hugs:   It almost sounds like you see yourself as being in it alone, as far as providing for your family.  I know you're not, you and your wife are partners.  What shape that partnership takes is between you guys, though. 

Unfortunately seems g really is alone as far as providing for his family. He is the family's only source of income, the wife is a full-time homemaker. And with 3 kids including a newborn to look after, it's not like she can begin job-hunting to ease g's financial burden...nannies cost extra money.

 

 

My wife and I talked this weekend in a little more specificity than we had been, about her looking and applying for some part time work in Retail.  She is ready and willing so that's good.  I have to remind myself not to feel additional guilt over the need for this.  It won't be forever, and isn't the worst thing in the world.

 

And I had to make a very uncomfortable call to my older brother to ask if he could help us a little right now, until hopefully next year.  That resulted in another call tonight and the phrase ("there will be big strings attached", meaning he wants to know what's going on and have involvement in helping us make sure we're doing everything we can).  

 

I dread this, but I have to be able to feel like I've done everything I can for my kids, my wife and myself.  So be it.

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Hi gandolf, 

Knowing so much love is no little thing and you deserve it. You also deserve some relief from the rest and I hope i comes soon. I have been the provider whilst depressed before, without children, and I found it in immense strain so you are way stronger than me by doing what you are and have been doing. Sometimes we magically do what we have to do until something magically makes things easier. Magically as in beyond our understanding rather than wands and smoke. 

 

Well done on the promotion. Another sign that you are survivor. Sending you much support. 

 

I like that.  Thanks Fizzle.  Geez, revisiting here has been a nice little shot in the arm.  A boost that I needed.

 

Thanks all.

 

Here's to carrying on...

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