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What I Am Doing To Improve Life


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I have been posting on this site for a few years now.  For about the past 8 I have been adding posts to a running thread that started off being about the Dialectical Behavioral Therapy I was doing with a therapist and a group course.  (It can be found at http://www.depressionforums.org/forums/topic/104275-experiences-with-dialectical-behavioral-therapy-dbt/page-8) It gradually morphed into covering my experience with Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS) therapy and then a more general kind of open journal - from which I have received some great encouragement and am very grateful.  

 

I've posted on other things as well.  Sometimes--and I've posted and received good feedback about this--I feel like the things I do, including posting here, are essentially me practicing being depressed.  That's kind of funny in an ironic way, because as one therapist whose book I read, says, 'we who are depressed, are experts at being depressed."  It's true.  It comes naturally from what is going on in our minds and the fact that life is hard.

 

One thing I know is that among the many ways and things a person may be able to do to help themselves recover from depression, is to choose to and to work at it.

 

So here, I in this post I am going to resolve to post positive things I am doing to improve life.  My life.  And the lives of those around me, such as my family and friends.  This could be big things or small. Daily successes, or efforts.  Thoughts, feelings, things I'm reading or doing.  Hopefully it will focus on actions and on specifics, and eventually even goals.

 

To me the question of how much each of us can 'be cured of' depression or even 'recover' is open, and what is more important, how much we will recover is certainly an open question.  And even thinking about this I think tends to make us feel anxious, as in 'what if' and 'I don't know,' and 'am I fooling myself,' or 'should i just try to learn to live with this as it is and will always, be,' and other such unproductive ruminations. 

 

My simple working definition of what I mean be 'recovery' is simply building a life I want to live more.  It is being happier.  We all want it and have a natural drive to be as happy as we can be.

 

I can't control how I feel or the ups and downs of life.  But I can exert some control over my intentions and my actions.  And for me, this represents and attempt to some degree, to turn a page.  It is not to say I will never again post things elsewhere (or even here) about needing help, feeling desperate, etc.  The greatest hope comes from things based in reality, and in all likelihood, I have a long, and probably at times terribly difficult, battle ahead.  But I this is not new.  What I plan to post here, does have a new focus.  Life has a dimension of experiment to it anyway, and it is time for me to try to focus on the positive things again, or die trying.

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This came up in a movie I took my kids to over the holiday weekend, and I liked it and have been thinking about it and sharing it the past few days.

There is a difficult but hopeful truth in it.

 

ONE EVENING, AN ELDERLY
CHEROKEE BRAVE TOLD HIS
GRANDSON ABOUT A BATTLE THAT
GOES ON INSIDE PEOPLE.

HE SAID "MY SON, THE BATTLE IS
BETWEEN TWO 'WOLVES' INSIDE US ALL.
ONE IS EVIL. IT IS ANGER,
ENVY, JEALOUSY, SORROW,
REGRET, GREED, ARROGANCE,
SELF-PITY, GUILT, RESENTMENT,
INFERIORITY, LIES, FALSE PRIDE,
SUPERIORITY, AND EGO.

THE OTHER IS GOOD.
IT IS JOY, PEACE LOVE, HOPE SERENITY,
HUMILITY, KINDNESS, BENEVOLENCE,
EMPATHY, GENEROSITY,
TRUTH, COMPASSION AND FAITH."

THE GRANDSON THOUGH ABOUT
IT FOR A MINUTE AND THEN ASKED
HIS GRANDFATHER:

"WHICH WOLF WINS?..."

THE OLD CHEROKEE SIMPLY REPLIED,
"THE ONE THAT YOU FEED"
BETWEEN TWO 'WOLVES' INSIDE US ALL.
ONE IS EVIL. IT IS ANGER,
ENVY, JEALOUSY, SORROW,
REGRET, GREED, ARROGANCE,
SELF-PITY, GUILT, RESENTMENT,
INFERIORITY, LIES, FALSE PRIDE,
SUPERIORITY, AND EGO.

THE OTHER IS GOOD.
IT IS JOY, PEACE LOVE, HOPE SERENITY,
HUMILITY, KINDNESS, BENEVOLENCE,
EMPATHY, GENEROSITY,
TRUTH, COMPASSION AND FAITH."

THE GRANDSON THOUGH ABOUT
IT FOR A MINUTE AND THEN ASKED
HIS GRANDFATHER:

"WHICH WOLF WINS?..."

THE OLD CHEROKEE SIMPLY REPLIED,
"THE ONE THAT YOU FEED"

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I'm also posting this here.

 

 

http://freemindsunited.com/write/


Today
By Kalan Leaks
Today
Is the day I wake up from my nightmares,
Filled with depression and loathing,
And break the bonds of depression.

Today
Is the day I decide to leave my past behind,
Sweep up all of my broken dreams and promises,
And finally forgive myself for my sins.
Today
Is the day I pick myself up,
Nurse my self-inflicted wounds,
And escape the prison run by my inner demons.

Today
Is the day my feet turn black,
With the ashes and gravel of bridges burned long ago,
As I drag myself ever so closer to the road of happiness.
Today
Is the day my back no longer aches,
From the burdens of expectations placed upon me,
And I start to stand tall on my own.

Today
Is the day that I acquit myself,
Of the mistakes I made and the friends I lost,
And realize that my past failures are not my future performance.
Today
Is the day my feet lose their sinister tint,
As I step on greener pastures,
And my visage wears a rediscovered smile.

Today
Is the day my heart loses its calluses,
And I give myself permission,
To love the people I care for without restraint.
Today
Is the day my soul regains its light,
As I once again pursue my dreams,
And introduce myself to the world again.

Today
Is the day I relinquish yesterday,
Capture the present,
And embrace tomorrow. 

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I don't know if this fits the theme, but I'm putting it here anyway.

 

Last week, my wife notified me that we are having our 3rd child in December.  I'm glad and excited for us, but given the my financial and career rolling calamity, to say this was unexpected, is a gross understatement.  We had discussed explicitly not having a third child, and she was supposed to be on birth control.  She told me she quit because she thought she was basically too old to get pregnant., and I guess because of some side effects.  We're both 39.

 

My lengthy suicidal depression comes largely from the feeling of stress, guilt, shame and fear over not being able to provide the security and as good a life as I want for my family. So, I have been trying to get out of the current recruiting job I'm in and find something not only that I like better, but where I can make even little more.

 

So I've been doing some networking, applications, etc., which is tough in this crazy fast-paced unpredictable environment.

 

And today, my boss calls me in to talk and informs me that he saw that I updated my resume on Indeed and he was confronting me about it.  I won't detail the rest of the conversation here other than to say I was obviously shocked and just handled it with open candor - that while I am fully engaged here, I have to be realistic.  And that's pretty close to the truth actually since I have no other offers on the table.  I did demure when he asked me if I am interviewing, but I really can't feel badly about a white lie when they are constantly interviewing new people for my position - and often asking me to meet and interview them.

 

Anyway, this was quite s***ty and has me feeling very vulnerable and unsettled right now. It has been a very stressful few weeks, although some good and bright spots.  I am on a new medication that I think may be helping - which is unusual for me and would be welcome, although I think it does cause a little irritability and sometimes edginess. 

 

Anyhow, I am proud of myself for handling the whole meeting as I often have, with diplomacy, and just hanging in and continuing to work to do my best.  That felt like a big success today, and I hope and trust it is.

 

I am working hard, handling things one at a time as much as possible, and seeking to let go of both the past and future, and embrace life in the present moment.

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I always assume that everyone 'really knows' I am a 'depressed loser' - for that is how it sounds in my head.

 

Recently, I shared with a professional peer who I had developed somewhat of a friendship with over the past few years, that I have struggled with severe depression for years. It was kind of a big deal for me as it represented stepping out with a little bit of courage and acknowledging this to someone.  I have often felt like doing this, but other than with a few close colleagues I work(ed) with every day, I had never done this because of my perception of the stigma involved.  And there is some stigma, although happily it is changing.

 

Everyone either has been or knows someone who is or has been depressed.  And that was true here.  The person I confided in, said her mother and sister had struggled with it, and she was struck because she said she never would have guessed it about me and that I must hide it well.  Which was encouraging although I do also hope there is a day when we either figure out how to recover from this awful disease or can reduce the stigma down to negligible levels.

 

It reminds me of a quote from Zig Ziglar:

 

Sometimes the strongest among us are the ones who smile  through silent pain, cry behind closed doors, and fight battles nobody knows about.

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Sometimes the strongest among us are the ones who smile  through silent pain, cry behind closed doors, and fight battles nobody knows about.


 

Oh I totally believe that (feeling it for self is tricky of course). And you are one of those people. 

 

Great thread. You have done a lot and continue to do a lot to help yourself. I think your determination is a great potential weapon when fighting for a better life for yourself. I think we often need to just keep honing these skills and then at a certain point things start falling into place. I find for me that I aim for increased self awareness and development and aim at getting my satisfaction there and it has helped me personally quite a lot. 

 

Congratulations on the baby and I,m glad you felt able to express your doubts about it as they absolutely normal in your situation. And well done for standing up to the boss. 

Edited by Fizzle
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Thank you for your posts. I will read the 'wolf' and the 'today' posts, whenever I feel defeated by life.

My current aim in life is to not give in to my nagging thoughts. They tell me that if I don't do this or that a certain number of times then it's bad luck. It's like a superstition and it's been bad lately and I think it's contributing to my tiredness. I also have to go over my actions again and again to check I haven't touched anything 'contaminated'.

It's miserable, but as it said in your 'today' post. It stops now. Today.

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Bluetree,

Thanks for your post.

I can relate to the feeling of being overwhelmed by my nagging thoughts and the feeling of impending doom if I didn't do something--or most everything-- just right in some Platonically perfect way. It is tortuous. I gain and draw strength here by knowing there are other people here learning and letting themselves revel in being fully human. I pray you havrmw a good day and continue on your path to greater Wellness

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20YearsandCounting,

 

That's very kind.  I appreciate it and the feeling is mutual.  Yah, I'm excited (somewhat by sheer force of will).  It is also ridiculous given the totality of my wife and my situation and the giant hot mess of my life and financial situation.  I try to let it go, but no question some of me knows there was a real element of irresponsibility, carelessness (and selfishness), for her to stop birth control (without telling me!) given that I have been suicidal for so long directly because I feel so hopeless and loserish over not providing any security for my family, but...okay....I feel like I needed to vent that out for a moment.

 

The main thing is thanks for your comment, and what helped me was my two girls immediately being excited and deciding it was part of the family now.

That helped settle it for me, other than obviously somewhere like here occasionally needing to vent the feelings and fear.

 

I am working extremely hard these days, and so am in a positive place in some ways.  I a huge interview on Monday and then the last round on the 22nd.  Iv'e been working really hard to try to prepare and win this opportunity which would be a great one for me.  And I have to confess that in my mind I have set up the notion that if I get the job, things will then be good, and if I don't get this one, all is basically lost, life will be nothing but pain and despair, and I would be best served to check out.  Probably a pretty unfair, damaging  and potentially dangerous dichotomy, but there it is.  I try to change it, but it is quite persistent.

 

Anyway, receiving a nice comment like this always serves to remind me of  what good there is in the world.  I'm very grateful for that - thanks!

 

Rob

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Stressed today, but mostly because I am and have been working hard - mostly the 'good,' or at least better kind of stress, which I always used to like.

 

Glad to have been reminded recently by actual experience, that there are at least times when life can feel good.  A naturopathic med supplement may be partly helping - hard to tell, but I'll take it.

 

This weekend I will be working a lot of hours on the final push to prepare for Monday's interview for what might be something like going before a 'm***** board', the trade name for when attorneys go before a panel of judges to argue their case and they may or may not be peppered with tough questions about anything or everything completely at the whim of the judges who will decide their fate.  And this I mostly like, look forward to, and feel invigorated. 

 

My greatest fear is in talking about my numerous job moves and questions about measurable sales results, which are mostly quantifiable in simple terms (without of course mentioning that what we term a diagnosed mental disorder undoubtedly has played a part).  There have been times of course where my sales results weren't what they should have been to say the least.  I will be seeking to apply the serenity prayer principle of acceptance and working on what I can to this.

 

Nevertheless, in between trying to stay alive in my current role, balancing demands of home, finances and stress (and the new baby news), I have managed to work around the edges of my time and done some good research and some other pretty smart things to be able to demonstrate a true commitment and ability to provide outstanding client service,  which is the sin qua non (or essence) of leading lawyers and professional services firms in the modern era.  It is this golden rule principle (putting others' needs first in order to get what I ultimately want for my family and me), that I will be focusing on to these prospective internal clients and their high level clients in the mid-Atlantic.

 

Wish me luck.  Hope all of you out there with whom I feel a kinship and friendship have good days and weekends as well and both can remember and experience some of the good that does exist in living.

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I had the interview today with the firm.  I had prepared for two solid days over the weekend and going back a couple weeks before that when I had time.

 

I was still nervous in that I have had quite a number of jobs, have had sales performance that isn't always what I would like to be, and that is always hard to address and get over in an interview for a professional position.  And there were several things I still wasn't sure about even after a good bit of research.

 

I met with 8 people, all senior partners at one of the top law firms in the US, the chief marketing officer, HR Manager, Firm Administrator, and Director of Growth Strategies - back to back to back, in groups of two or three, for 4 hours.

 

My head hurt when I left, but I knew I had done well.  I think it should be enough to overcome the questions about the frequency of my past moves.  I may get some follow up questions.  

 

References are in place.  I let them know I want the position and why I think I would be successful in it.  It's a tough business, but in many ways more stimulating (and lucrative) than my current recruiting job. I know it would be challenging, but believe I could do it.  Right now, I'm exhausted and mentally and emotionally drained, but I felt invigorated and actually would look forward to doing this work, which although I have tried to get myself to say for a few past jobs, I really didn't feel like it deep down. 

 

One of the key partners is actually a lobbyist who advocates on behalf of patients' rights, including mental health access, and actually does a lot of good work (I know, who knew?)

Many at the firm do good pro bono work too (even as some of the work a law firm does for large corps inevitably makes the world less like I would wish it were).

 

The people were tough, but very nice and professional.  

 

Final interview should be next Monday at 11:00.  Now I wait.  The support and encouragement here has meant so much. (Thanks all).  I feel like (and hope) one journey is ending and another is about to begin).

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Whew, got all 10 thank you letters proofed and into the mail.

 

Now just have to focus on the current job, get out of the office for next Monday's interview, be prepared to answer any follow up questions and wait.

soooo tired today, but feel good I gave it my best shot yesterday.....left it all on the field so to speak and will have no regrets.

 

Feeding a little off the encouragement here, helped with the energy it took for me to have the focus and confidence - really appreciate ya'll!!!!!

 

-g

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I have my final interview tomorrow.  The recruiter has told me she received very positive feedback all around from the last round with the 10 partners and execs.

They can't figure out how law firm bonus structure should incentivize behavior the way the corporate world has been getting partially right for quite some time - but that's okay with me - that part will be a great windfall anyway.  My would-be boss mentioned that the only downside right now is that right now, they have no one else to compare me against as a matter of knowing the market (though I actually referred them a potential candidate for Philly that seems to be going well).  I asked my recruiter (who was sharing this with me) to kindly remind them that they reviewed resumes of at least 12 other qualified candidates, and phone-screened several.  This is why I will be focused on a strong 'closing' tomorrow, which will be presenting an outline for the full business plan I have completed (they have to hire me to get the intellectual property of the full plan and the person who can execute it).

 

 

I have been and still am today, doing some very good work to prepare not only for the interview, but actually the job itself (as what I believe is also the most effective way to be prepared for the interview too).  It has worked so far.  I am really proud of the work I have done and the way I have handled myself and convincing the Sr. partners and execs that I can be very good at this.  They are all generally very fiercely intelligent and skeptical people - they have to be, by the nature of complex law practice and the level of prominence they have risen to and must protect.  I have convinced even myself (by far the hardest person to convince), that I can do this job and actually do it very well, over the short and long-term (the latter being the one that induces trepidation).  This convincing of myself--and based on a whole lot of past work and work I have put into preparing for this job itself, not just the interview process, feels good.  Despite so many times in the last 7 years where I have tried valiantly, and still come up short in one or more ways in my career, I am convinced (for a variety of reasons), that if given the chance here, I could and would do a great job, to wit, my best.

 

Yesterday, I got a call from my older brother (I had sent him some kind of amusing email - humor in my family has always been our method of choice, to avoid entering into the most painful of things in life, with each other.  I have mostly dispatched and tired of it in the past few years in order to be more real and connected, and some of my family members are gradually learning their way there too.

But not my older (and oldest/first born) brother, who naturally forms a sort of archetype of success from my earliest experience to the present.

 

He couldn't keep himself on the phone from lecturing me about the sins of the past, and not 'counting chickens before they've hatched' and about the importance of saving all the money if I do get the new position.  Both admonitions are correct (I should and will save a lot of the income, though naturally not 'all' of it, as I believe life is best lived with some enjoyment in the present or not at all).

He went on that in the past, I have spent and not been good with money.  He doesn't really know what he is talking about.  When I had more discretionary income (as a practicing lawyer), we did save it, and it is what we lived on after I lost that position.  Yes, we had to borrow money from family - and god knows in their ways how they made us feel the pain of it.  I love them, but I will not ever venerate this undesirable trait.  I would not treat people the same, and indeed have not, when in my life I have been fortunate to give the gift of money to others and help them.  I have received more from it.

 

He still understands nearly nothing about depression or suicidal pain.  I somewhat mourn the shallow life, even if it is easier.

 

Anyhow, I am proud of the way I conducted myself on the phone with him.  I remained very calm, although I did not acquiesce or agree with some of what he felt compelled to say.  Later he texted me that "thank you for sharing this with me (part of me wished I hadn't), and I'll be praying that you get the job!"

 

It was nice in part.  I texted back, "thanks.  I appreciate it.  Though with this vetting process if they hire me it will be because I"m the best person for it.  Enjoy the weekend."  I meant to add something about 'I always appreciate peoples' prayers, but...., but I did not.

 

Anyhow, it felt s***ty while talking to him and afterward.  I was p*****.  He has no clue about this life and starring long into the abyss of pain.  He has never wanted or been scared of losing his mind or all that he loves or his life by his own hand.  And I think tragically because of that, he may also never have experienced the most potent of our forms of human connection, the depth of love that is only possible from traveling through pain together.

 

So yesterday was painful, as it could not do other than open a wellspring of feelings of guilt, shame, and fear, and the thought that 'who am I kidding, he's right, I don't deserve any of this and it has been wrong to be hopeful during this time that something I have been able to do could lead to greater happiness.'  I'm letting that go now.  I am reading the book Emotional Intelligence 2.0.  It dovetails nicely with DBT principles and principles of awareness, emotional regulation, mindfulness, focus and general wholistic well being.  

 

I have learned.  I have grown.  All of us are capable of becoming something new, more, different and better, even while keeping our inherently good souls.  This is my greatest hope.  What keeps me going, is the thought that I can do something well enough to help other people not only in their jobs, but help them flourish more fully in their entire lives.  I have told them this in the interview, and to a person, each one, quietly nodded with understanding that this is what it is about.  That is why I am confident today.  It is what my recruiter and I are doing with and for each other (she will happily make a very nice finder's fee if we are successful), and so many other relationships I have now are all about. 

 

I hope tomorrow goes well.  I will cross the bridge of each moment, as I come to it, simply doing the best I am able to do.  And for this I am glad and thankful.  And love even those who sometimes don't realize the pain they cause.

 

-g

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The past 3-4 weekends and culminating today, I have also been dealing with tension and anger at my wife.  I don't think I'm probably handling that as well.

 

I have needed her to get up earlier, get the kids to be quiet or out of the house / at least my computer in our our 1-room open downstairs, so that I can focus and work.

 

Admittedly, I have been in overdrive (and so far it has paid off because this was a hell of a long shot to still be in the interview process).  I can be very exacting, and 'eccentric' as she puts it.

 

I help with a lot, but during this phase, I have focused intensely on this process, because we both want it so badly.  She hasn't been in the business world for a number of years and does not realize how it has gotten faster and more competitive with technology and global competition.  She has no concept of the difficulty for me (living with this lovely neurotic disposition) in general, let alone trying to leverage my way into something right now and dealing with the stress of noise and chaos around me.  I have explained it many times.  I know we are limited in what we are able to do about it right now, and to her great credit, she has been willing to help a lot - which I always thank her for and do what else I can liked dishes and cooking dinner, and helping with whatever else.

 

But I'd be lying if I did not say that I let her know I'm profoundly frustrated that she can't be more efficient when called upon to do so - to help my youngest stop crying at the top of her lungs about trivial things (she's 4), or getting the kids and her to keep the downstairs quiet, and even just to get up earlier on these weekends when I'm up preparing and help keep the kids out of my hair.

 

I for some reason (maybe because I'm such an emotional empath) am very good at connecting with and helping the kids calm down and address any concern.  She is not although she is a very loving person.  It is hard for me to appreciate and bugs me.  Okay, to be fully truthful, it is a rather boiling anger and even disgust that I struggle mightily to try to keep from showing.  I love my wife.  She is the best person I've ever met.  We have a great, unique and beautiful relationship and friendship and a partnership - all the things a soulmate is.

But I want to think she is capable of evolving and growing as a person in this and some other areas.  I tend otherwise to get somewhat bored and lose interest (I know how condescending and chauvinistic that sounds and apologize for it, but it doesn't change the feeling).

 

Thankfully, at noon, she has finally taken the kids to church.  I have been dealing with them and other things all morning and am behind schedule on this.  And I'm somewhat bitter about it and think it shows a needless and pretty stupid disregard for our priorities and think we and she can do better.

 

Balance, I know.  Acceptance.  I don't want to be pressing too hard.  My recruiter says all I have to do is go in and be myself.  Who knows.  I'll seek the serenity and equanimity to accept the present and past (and even myself), do what I should in the present.  

 

As I have so often done, I am using this space right now as a place to vent these decidedly intense emotions.  And appreciate it for being here for that.  And that's what I'm doing today to improve life, along with the other work.

Edited by gandolfication
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  • 3 weeks later...

I haven't been on here in a few weeks.  Life has been busy.  Good.  Up and down.  But I will take that as long as it sometimes includes the ups.

 

I have a coworker who is a terrible person.  She's angry and suspicious and backstabbing.  She literally 'tells on' people to our boss including me, when you don't bow to her whims about everything.  She's incredibly moody (she just had a baby, which I am truthfully very sympathetic to).  But this doesn't excuse her from being an unfortunately detestable human being.  She can get away with being this way because she is one of the top producers in our division of the very large firm for which we work.

 

I am biding my time until I can leave.  My potential offer and other opportunities are in good shape, but it will probably be a couple months, before which I could really be fired any day.  I have a visceral reaction to this woman and also to my boss.  I truly almost get hives by having to be around them, let alone pretending that I think they are okay people.  I think they are disgusting human beings in virtually every respect that is most important to me.

 

I don't hold grudges.  I have a great ability to forgive and to find the good in people.  When I leave here though, i will pass on leads and referrals to the competition, assuming they are by some degree, better human beings who will serve the people i refer more holistically.  My boss I may possibly be willing to talk with or work with again if it serves my stakeholders' interests and mine.  But probably not.  I will speak of them always in the appropriately measured tones that one uses in business when wanting to damn people with feint praise.  And then in confidence to those whose implicit trust I have and who really want or need to know, I will tell the unfiltered truth in a way that will make people run from the organization like a bat out of hell.

 

So that's how I feel, and some of that is how I'm going to operate when I leave, because I think life is damn hard enough.  There's no good reason for people to be horrible and make it worse.

 

For now, I'll keep using it as an opportunity.  An opportunity to learn, to continue to grow stronger, practice mindfulness, self management, emotional intelligence, etc.

 

I will probably get called in for a dressing down tomorrow morning for something she already ripped me for completely unfairly and stupidly.  I'll have to answer questions that aren't designed to be constructive or to have any good effect.  They are only designed to placate her ego, rotten and black to the core, as it is.  And I will smile and be agreeable and apologize, and talk about that i won't say the wrong word again because after all I need her more than she needs me (that has been said verbatim in these meetings).  I'll breath, and take sips of water if I can bring my thermos in with me.  And I'll defend myself a little, but be willing to admit my 'sin' - which was the mistake of not saying something the way she said I should have.

 

And I'll bide my time.  I'll realize that it is okay to feel feelings of disgust toward someone acting like a disgusting person.  There is good in everyone. But I don't have to be here forever around people who choose to display precious little of it.

 

Success for me is maximizing my own self-actualization by being a person who is able to help a lot of others.  Givers gain.  The golden rule.  "You can have everything in life you want if you'll help enough other people get what they want."  --Zig Ziglar  I have believed and tried to live that since I was growing up.

 

Success isn't the best revenge.  Success is the only alternative for revenge.  We have to let go of our hate, even for disgusting people.  But I suppose we also need not beat up or judge ourselves too harshly when we feel the anger and righteous indignation, even if it feels like hatred toward someone who is cruel and bad with no need or reason to be so.

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Practicing emotional intelligence and distress tolerance today.

 

My colleague who I'll hereafter refer affectionately to as Cruella Deville (i'm pretty sure she tortures puppies for pleasure), is working nearby today and acting up already by 8:15 am  I am practicing half-smiling and noticing my breathing while in conversation.  It works.  I do not like her and that is okay.  

 

To everyone who does or ever has worked somewhere where people were unnecessarily unkind, you have my support and encouragement here today. All things pass.

 

-g

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Lost track of this thread for awhile.  I understand about co-workers we don't like.  I think one of my former co-workers could be described as an emotional vampire.  You know, start trouble and watch everyone scurry around getting upset?  Nothing in her life is ever good, it's always the worst of everything?  Ugh.  I didn't realize how much energy she sucked out of my life until she was gone.  After she left, I ended up with a doubled workload and quite a bit of extra stress, but I still felt better emotionally.  Sad but true, like Metallica says.  I'm glad you've found a technique that helps you.  Your ability to persist towards your goal really does inspire me and give me a lift, gandolfication.  Thank you.

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