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[You Have Acquired Bonsquad's Bag Of Mixed Disorders! Value: One Cigarette Butt And A Nasty Look]

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I'm tired.


I'm lonesome, and I hate that feeling. I love being alone. I intensely dislike feeling lonely.


I have Borderline Personality Disorder, PTSD, anxiety, and major depressive disorder with psychotic features, a.k.a. psychotic depression.


I'm not even sure I want to get better, because "getting better" involves shutting off my hallucinations, and I've grown accustomed to them.. even if they aren't always nice to me.


I have no faith in anything -- all my former belief systems seem laughable, I've lost faith in myself, I've lost faith in everyone around me, I have no hope my life will ever improve, I'm convinced the lives of my children will never improve beyond what we have now. And that makes me feel terrible. I've failed.


Everything I want feels like it is so far away, nearly impossible. I can't imagine trying to work, but I'm under pressure to get a job. I haven't worked in years because of my own mental health and because of the needs of my children, but now that feels like a lame excuse, even though it is still true.


I'm never sure if the people who claim to care about me actually do care. Nothing they can say or do improves this. One day I feel lucky to have them, intensely happy with them in my lives, and the next I think they're spying on me, or laughing at me behind my back, or taking advantage of me somehow. And then I feel betrayed and angry and bitter, and I blame myself, and I spend days beating myself up about how foolish I am. Sometimes thinking of ways to get those people out of my life. Then, another day or two later, I realize I wasn't thinking rationally and I forgive them for all those imaginary slights -- and they never hear a word about any of it.


I don't think I can get better. I'm afraid I will be confused, scared, and suspicious until I die, and none of my greater goals in life stand a chance of getting completed because of this. I'm not even sure I want to get better, because this is familiar, this is comfortable. Do I accept that and strive for happiness despite it? Or do I fight against it and try to maintain normalcy like I always used to do? I don't know what to do with myself anymore.


Do you understand? Do you feel the same?

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Hi Bonsquad, and welcome to DF!


I do understand.  Alone and lonely are entirely different, and they affect one's health differently.  You describe some extremely frustrating symptoms and thoughts, and your questions are completely valid.  It often seems safer to deal with the known illness than the unknown treatment.  While I will attempt to add my opinion to your questions, I think an over-encompassing statement is that without change, you can't get anywhere.  Change is the only way to move from where you are to where you want to be.  You may be uncertain about where you want your mental health to be, but you seem very certain about where you want your life and family to be.  I think this requires you to do what you can for your health.  Now, it is a part of you but does not define you.  Your experiences will always play a role in your life, but it is OK to seek treatment to assist with your anxiety and overwhelming social concerns.  This would require seeing a doctor and discussing your options, and then sticking to the treatment plan.  So your questions, in my opinion, create a false dilemma.  I think you can accept your circumstances and strive for happiness, but this can include doing what is necessary to be healthy for your family.  As I'm sure you know, it is difficult to predict what can happen without treatment; to avoid treatment would be to risk the worsening of symptoms.  


So in short, I think you can do both.  I think treatment is important if you want to ensure that you will not lose touch with reality and struggle to support your family.  And while that may entail giving up your hallucinations,  that is a matter of familiarity and preference, not of necessity.  You are strong enough, clearly, to venture into the unfamiliar and work on the issues that cause you distress.


Thank you for sharing, and please keep us posted!

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