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Kittykat5

Relationship Depression

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Hello everyone,

 

I am here tonight at your newest member because ive been struggling for years with depression. It started as teen angst I guess.. typical stuff? was raped by 2 of my brothers "friends" at the age of 14 as a virgin. My brother and my friends (I believe) did not believe me because the guys were 'good looking'. Un successful suicide attempt after with my moms random pills.. ended up getting scared and took myself to hospital and had to drink charcoal.

Dated a control freak for a year when I was 16 who tried to commit suicide if I tried to brake up with him.

 

At 22 (im almost 32 now) I met the man I fell in love with. 4 months in I got pregnant with our first child. While pregnant, sex stopped because he felt 'uncomfortable' I thought when pregnancy was done then things would go back to 'normal'. They didn't. He is 10 years older than me so I thought it had to do with his age. He has always expressed disgust with cheaters and porn...etc. I thought I had found a gem.

 

June 2010 we get married ( I was 4 months pregnant with our 2nd child). He sits with a scowl on his face as

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.... as his sister helps me look better (curling hair..etc...). he gets SUPER drunk with my dad and comes to bed at 4 am punching and kicking in his sleep (he does this when hes drunk).

next morning I have to explain to HIS family why he is in bed all day. His ONLY job in this whole thing is to plan a 'honeymoon'. I would have been happy with a tent in the woods.... nothing!!

it took over 2 weeks to consummate the marriage (again thinking this is related to pregnancy so I thought nothing of it.

 

fast forward to Janurary this year. I am working hard to loose weight (doing a superb job btw..weigh less than when we met). My new years resolution also included putting our relationship in a better place. So I decided to check his browser history to see what news articles he was reading so we could connect more and have more things to talk about. I find porn and him flirting with girls in a conspiracy fourm he frequents. I am completely shocked!!!! This is not the person he made himself out to be.

 

we have had a few fights these past few months about my concerns and he assures me that I have nothing to worry about and he seriously thinks I have a mental problem

 

I started to believe this but after more snooping,, im feeling like he is lying to me and is only pretending to love me so our kids don't have to grow up in a broken home.

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I just want to die now.. my whole world as I knew it feels like a lie. not sure what to do. I need support from people who understand. He obviously doesn't!

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thank-you for reading my story :)

 

perhaps I am too sensitive.. I dunno.. I just cant shake this feeling that he is seeking someone else. I feel worthless.

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hi kittykat and welcome to DF,

 

I am sorry to hear that you are having difficulties with your relationship and I was rather shocked with how you have been treated. If you haven't already, you should check out the relationship and depression sub-forum area. It is a good place where you can vent about what's going on and perhaps any questions you have to ask about relationships. If you are still having troubles with suicide ideation, there is a suicide ideation sub-forum which will appear once you have posted a bit more around DF. People here are very understanding and I am sure you will find the support you need (in lieu of therapy, which may be worth considering) from other people who can relate.

 

I hope you enjoy your stay here at DF and I look forward to seeing you around  :nod:

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I sure don't think you are being too sensitive, that is a rough story! I'm not qualified to give advice on this sort of thing but I'm sure there are people on here who can. Depression is bad enough without all that added stress so I hope you can find help with it. Like Waffles said, the relationship forum would be a good place to ask about this stuff. Wish I had more to say, but welcome to the forum.

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