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Hi, my name is Phil, and I'm a 42 year old male from London in the UK. I've suffered from depression on and off for most of my life interspersed over the last five years with a few psychotic/manic episodes, leading to a diagnosis of bi-polar schizoaffective disorder, which is all jargonistic mumbo jumbo to me.

Anyhow, I believe that we are all the leading characters in the movie that depicts our lives. Here's mine (and it isn't very flattering).

The character that I play in life is the loser/loner type character. The kind of character who doesn't engage or interact with others - unless he absolutely has to. The kind of character who will try to sort it all out on his own, cos he knows best.

This character is deeply flawed, stuck in a hell of his own making, kicking and screaming on the inside - but keeping it all on the inside - and feeling like he's rotting inside - getting absolutely nowhere, cos it seems like there is nowhere to get to, and nothing to do. Or maybe there is somewhere to get to and something to do, but not having a clue where to get to or what to do.

All the while my character is waiting for something to happen. Something just to happen where I can be released from my own personal hell, cos I ain't able to do it on my own.

The soundtrack of the movie of my life is Boulevard of Broken Dreams: https/www.youtube.com/watch?v=aGzgoSg5OZg

Basically, the plotline of my movie is incredibly turgid, repititive and monotonous. It's like the same scene is playing out over and over again - like anytime anything frightening or challenging comes up I may face it for a time, but sooner or later I quit and I'm right back where I started, hence the experience of going round and round in circles like a hamster on a hamster wheel.

And this is where all the episodes of mental illness come up. My experience of life in this movie is so bleak that I create all kinds of delusions, that make life much more palatable. And life is great for a time, as I'm excited and passionate and believe that anything is possible. But sooner or later (after a few weeks in a mental hospital) reality hits home that my delusions are merely delusions, and I'm right back where I started - building my own personal prison, brick by brick, experiencing myself as more and more disconnected and disengaged from life.

But wait for it, cos there's a twist to this sad and sorry tale of pain, misery and disappointment, and that is that the more I speak out about my experiences, the more power I have over these experiences, and rather than the movie running my life, I am in charge of how the movie plays itself out. Which is why I have shared this here.

This song represents triumph over the tragedy of my own personal hell of my own making: https/www.youtube.com/watch?v=ljIQo1OHkTI

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I must say that this is one of the most interesting introduction posts I have read in a while. I would be the girl who lives next door that everybody knows about, but nobody actually knows. This girl next door has been traumatised again and again by people throughout her life to the point where she rejects human contact for isolation. In her mind they are all liars, these people are only ever out to get her or get something from her. But deep down inside, she longs for the one person who will take the time to sit down and understand what's going on. Her knight in shining armour.


The soundtrack to my movie would be The Audreys - Sometimes the stars


Welcome to DF Phil, I am glad that you have joined us. DF is a wonderful and understanding community who I am sure would be delighted to get to know you. You describe being in charge of how the movie plays out the more you describe your experiences, does this mean that you get to make your own choices instead of watching yourself do things? I am curious to find out more.

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Umm... very interesting.


Licking depression means understanding that you aren't locked into a given role.  You said that yourself in the last paragraph of your post.  We get a chance to reinvent ourselves every time we wake up in the morning.  We can grumble and continue in the fog of depression, cursing the day we were born.  Or we can look at the sun rising.  Listen to the birds chirping.  Schedule something fun for the day, even if it's only for fifteen minutes - listen to some music, eat some ice cream, take a walk, whatever.  And decide to change the script.  Get a plan and work on it.  Work out five minutes longer.  Update that resume.  Make that phone call.  Ask that girl/boy to lunch or whatever.  We can't sit back and wait for change to happen - it has to come from within us.  We have to have the realization, the epiphany that we aren't doomed to play a supporting role in life.  We have to see things differently.  We have to pursue, move, and act.  Nobody's going to do it for us.  No magic wands.  I used to joke to people that I'm waiting for a supermodel with a briefcase full of cash to drive her Ferrari through my street in the ghetto and find me.  Ridiculous.  But that's where I am.  Trying to change it, but it's like steering a supertanker!


One tiny little thing that helps to motivate me was in a book called "The Pursuit of Wow!" or some such.  A lightly-written book on business that came out in the early 90's.  And one little snippet/paragraph had to do with how many of us approach our jobs with boredom and ennui - same old thing every day, stuck in a rut.  The author's advice?  Be excellent at your job, starting TODAY.  Approach your duties with energy and wisdom. Learn your boss' job.  Learn WHY you do some things, so you can help find a better HOW.


Sounds too easy, and maybe it is.  But life's like that too, tough, isn't it?  Be excellent.  Don't resort to crutches like alcohol and drugs to get through the day.  Eat better.  Study - take a class.  Volunteer.  Ask friends to lunch or dinner or an activity instead of sitting at home bemoaning the fact that nobody asks you.  Emulate happy people and learn what it is that makes them tick.  Try something new.  Remember - if you aren't failing now and then, you aren't trying new things.


The clock is ticking.  We'll never get today back.

Edited by RatBoy

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