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25 And Never Had A Girlfriend


nexus321

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Couple of things from a lady's perspective!

 

If women approach men they get labelled. Desperate, aggressive, sl***y, that kind of thing. It's often why they don't. And I'm saying that as a woman that prefers to approach and doesn't care about labels. There's sometimes this idea that if we approach a man, he'll just follow us home and be grateful for the opportunity. Not true. Really, not true. It can throw a guy off to have a woman approach him. And sometimes he'll say no, when he actually would have said yes, just because of that.

 

Being an aggressor versus a passive receiver has no bearing or affect on whether a relationship can be abusive or not. Many men and women who were the initiator of a relationship end up being used or abused, just as much as those who are the receipient. In fact, it could be argued that it's easier for an initiator to end up being abused - they feel responsible for the relationship because they started or pursued it. *Shrugs* It can be argued from either way.

 

*Laughs* women do send off signals. Lots of them. All the time. They're often just not the direct signals guys are looking for. She smiles at him in a particular way. Or looks up at him through her bangs or eyelashes, and she feels like she's being overt. But he doesn't notice. And then she feels crushed because she (in her mind) went out of her way to send him signals and he ignored them. Obviously, he doesn't actually like her - right? Well, at least, that's what we're going to think. Saying something isn't usually what a woman would consider a signal. She'd consider that initiating. And see the labelling problem above for that.

 

I understand your point about a lot of kind, good guys not getting into relationships because they don't initiate. But I'd say that there's a *HUGE* difference between approaching someone and forcing yourself on someone. Being afraid of rejection is totally valid. I am too. Everyone is, really. But one can just as easily argue that SOMEONE needs to initiate, and if the guy has feelings for a girl, then why shouldn't it be him? (Same the other way around though too, really.)

You took the words right out of my mouth, and I am a guy as mentioned already. The problem is just that men and women operate on different wavelengths, we have different strengths and weaknesses, each a half of the whole. Although individually some people may be 3/4 of the whole, or only 1/4 of the whole, you get my point. But i agree that women give off a lot of signals, actually the few times when i have been on the same wavelength in my life, i am surprised by just how obvious and desperate a lot of girls seem. It almost seems like a lot of girls will pretty much go along with any guy that can just read the signals, speak their secret language, and respond to them. Beyond that he does not have to be a very special person at all, which should be a relief to guys everywhere. I actually think we guys are the much pickier ones in the end, although we unknowingly and unintentionally disguise it by seeming desperate and because our natural way of being is to not notice the signals that girls put off. When we finally tune in and connect, we realize there are many girls we do not like at all, whereas i think most girls are just happy to have found somebody they can connect with at all.

I have learned that in life, things are not always as they seem. I am sure at least a few of you all know the feeling of thinking and assuming something for a long time only to discover eventually that the reality is not AT ALL what you expected. It can be a very mind opening revelation to discover that all of your carefully thought out ideas and assumptions (of course in our own minds our thoughts ade always correct of course!) turn out to be flat out wrong. Sometimes it is laughable how far off base we were. The reality is usually much simpler, easier, and more obvious than we could have ever imagined. I think this sums up a lot of what happens between guys and girls. It is also one good reason why we should probably not worry too much or think too deeply about anything. KISS-- keep it simple stupid.

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Nexus123, please remind yourself as often as possible that Depression plays games with our minds. It causes so many of the sad feelings you are having. It can cause all kinds of self doubt. I have to remind myself of this all the time. With just your words in this thread, so many of us can already tell you are a caring person who PLENTY of women would like to get to know. Depression plays games with your mind! Keep reading this forum and hopefully some of the suggestions, whether they be on a meds that can help, or whatever, help greatly.

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I'm a little behind on my responses - sorry about that! :)

 

They get labeled? by who? Why would you be labeled that way for approaching someone? I think it's more HOW you approach someone that matters. If you approach being flirty, versus approach in a more basic manner, I could see how it could come off that way. But there are many many ways to approach people. Not all guys approach by slapping a girl on the butt, or being seductive... You CAN just walk up to someone and give a basic "Hi", and introduce yourself..

 

Well, we get labelled by other women, by men, and by people in general to be honest. I think it's probably mostly other women - or even one's self. There's a long standing history of labelling women that approach men. I'd say it goes back to the 50's, but it probably goes back a lot longer than that. Try Googling "is it desperate for a woman to approach a man?" The number of hits will illustrate my point. The general idea is that women who approach men are consistently seen as "desperate." Not for approaching in a particular way either - that's just for approaching at all.

 

Yep, there are many ways to approach someone. So, if a woman wants to avoid that label, then she needs to be a whole lot more subtle about things. Thus kind of bringing us back to the "women are really subtle about it" comment I made before. We send out queues. Little flirty things. Because that's how we approach without worrying about labels. *Shrugs*

 

There is no solid one way or the other. All kinds of things can happen. When I say it's more likely they'll be abused is not saying that specifically it's because of how it was initiated. I was saying it was more likely because predators and users target people actively... You're more likely to land with an abuser if you let others approach you instead of looking for guys on your own. That's not saying it can't happen. That's just saying you're opening up to letting it happen easier.

 

Mmmm ... well, I guess I can see what you're saying. Though in fairness, if guys tend to be the approachers, let's say 75-85% of the time, that doesn't really account for the fact that they end up in abusive relationships just as often as women. It might open you up to it, but I don't think it actually makes it happen more in practice.

 

Batting eyelashes? looking at them? Girls call those signals, but guys don't pick up on them. So.. If it's not working, then maybe you should find a different way of doing it. It honestly sounds like girls are taking the animal kingdom approach of attracting a mate through dances, looks, and other material things when humans have the advantage of verbal communication.. Use it. (Sorry, not trying to relate girls to animals or anything, but i hope you understand what i'm saying.)

 

*Laughs* no, guys often don't pick up on them. At least not consciously. But they're not really meant to be conscious queues either. They're meant to plant the idea in the guy's head more often than not. Brush up against his arm, and hopefully he'll start thinking about how you had touched him. If not, he's not interested.  And, to be fair, it's both animalistic and not. Something like a subtle queue is supposed to appeal to the higher intellect. I doubt a squirrel would notice someone winking at them - even subconsciously. :)

 

Both guys and girls have their reasons for not approaching people. I'm not going to argue that, and there could be a lot of reasons for it. But I still stand with my statement that girls can be a bit more verbal about it than they usually are.

 

Yep, I'll give you that. Girls probably could be more verbal about it. A lot of guys don't even seem to realize that women are just as attracted to them as they are to women. Probably because we don't act directly about our attractions. But while girls *could* be more verbal about it, they likely *won't.* Because again, it all comes back to how we assume people think of us when we are more verbal.

 

If a girl came up to me and started talking to me showing interest in me as a person, I wouldn't label them in any way you had said. However if they came and started winking, moving in weird ways and what-not trying to be seductive, that's a different story. A girl can EASILY approach a guy without being labeled in that form. Just as a guy can approach a girl without being labeled a creep/stalker or something.. It just matters how you do it, and how you present yourself. Don't present yourself a slut, and you just might not be seen that way.

 

Okay .... there's a couple of things here.

 

First, you may not label a woman that walks up to you and starts talking to you. But if she winks or tries to be seductive, then you will? Or if she moves "weirdly?" Basically, if she shows an interest directly, then you will. Do you kind of see my point there? If that theoretical woman does one "flirty" thing, she's stuck with that exact label you said you wouldn't apply to her. And, let's say she does everything flawlessly and you don't label her. She might still think you did. Because she might think she did something "flirty" and crossed that line. Because that's a pretty thin line, and one that's easily crossed!!! And, even if with that you personally wouldn't label her, it's hard to say that there's a set of guidelines. Everyone's going to label at different points because everyone has a different definition of "flirting."

 

Also, where would a conversation like this be without a brief discussion on "slut-shaming?" :) To be honest, it's exactly the idea that a woman is "slutty" if she's aggressive that brings us all back to the labelling. I've been the iniator/aggressor in several of my relationships. Was I more "slutty" when I initiated than when I was passive? Well, the implication here is yes. At least, yes if I also flirted with the guy.

 

So if I wink at a guy during a conversation where I've approached him, am I a slut? What if he approached me? Does that make it different? What if I touch his arm? Or bat my eyelashes? Or, even more so - what's the definition? Is it consistent for every guy? For every situation? Is it okay if I flirt with a guy if we're at a bar, but not at a grocery store? There's a lot of the same types of concerns for guys. How do they know if/when they're coming off as a creep? Same basic principle. But I'd say (and to all the guys out there, forgive me if I'm making unfortunate generalizations) that the "slut" label is a heck of a lot harder to lose than the "creep" label, as a general rule.

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You took the words right out of my mouth, and I am a guy as mentioned already. The problem is just that men and women operate on different wavelengths, we have different strengths and weaknesses, each a half of the whole. Although individually some people may be 3/4 of the whole, or only 1/4 of the whole, you get my point. But i agree that women give off a lot of signals, actually the few times when i have been on the same wavelength in my life, i am surprised by just how obvious and desperate a lot of girls seem. It almost seems like a lot of girls will pretty much go along with any guy that can just read the signals, speak their secret language, and respond to them. Beyond that he does not have to be a very special person at all, which should be a relief to guys everywhere. I actually think we guys are the much pickier ones in the end, although we unknowingly and unintentionally disguise it by seeming desperate and because our natural way of being is to not notice the signals that girls put off. When we finally tune in and connect, we realize there are many girls we do not like at all, whereas i think most girls are just happy to have found somebody they can connect with at all.

I have learned that in life, things are not always as they seem. I am sure at least a few of you all know the feeling of thinking and assuming something for a long time only to discover eventually that the reality is not AT ALL what you expected. It can be a very mind opening revelation to discover that all of your carefully thought out ideas and assumptions (of course in our own minds our thoughts ade always correct of course!) turn out to be flat out wrong. Sometimes it is laughable how far off base we were. The reality is usually much simpler, easier, and more obvious than we could have ever imagined. I think this sums up a lot of what happens between guys and girls. It is also one good reason why we should probably not worry too much or think too deeply about anything. KISS-- keep it simple stupid.

 

*Laughs* I like this. :) Simple is better a lot of the time. And it's true - women and men operate on different wavelengths at times, but really aren't very different at the end of the day. I kind of think picky people are picky and not-picky people aren't. *Shrugs* I doubt the gender really has much of anything to do with it.

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They get labeled? by who? Why would you be labeled that way for approaching someone? I think it's more HOW you approach someone that matters. If you approach being flirty, versus approach in a more basic manner, I could see how it could come off that way. But there are many many ways to approach people. Not all guys approach by slapping a girl on the butt, or being seductive... You CAN just walk up to someone and give a basic "Hi", and introduce yourself..

 

Well, we get labelled by other women, by men, and by people in general to be honest. I think it's probably mostly other women - or even one's self. There's a long standing history of labelling women that approach men. I'd say it goes back to the 50's, but it probably goes back a lot longer than that. Try Googling "is it desperate for a woman to approach a man?" The number of hits will illustrate my point. The general idea is that women who approach men are consistently seen as "desperate." Not for approaching in a particular way either - that's just for approaching at all.

 

Yep, there are many ways to approach someone. So, if a woman wants to avoid that label, then she needs to be a whole lot more subtle about things. Thus kind of bringing us back to the "women are really subtle about it" comment I made before. We send out queues. Little flirty things. Because that's how we approach without worrying about labels. *Shrugs*

 

... just another reminder of how much a failure society is. Labels, stereotypes.. all those things, I never understood. Why society can't just see people for being a person without slapping a sticker on them in that form, I just don't get.

 

You may be right. It's wrong, but accurate.

 

Okay .... there's a couple of things here.

 

First, you may not label a woman that walks up to you and starts talking to you. But if she winks or tries to be seductive, then you will? Or if she moves "weirdly?" Basically, if she shows an interest directly, then you will. Do you kind of see my point there? If that theoretical woman does one "flirty" thing, she's stuck with that exact label you said you wouldn't apply to her. And, let's say she does everything flawlessly and you don't label her. She might still think you did. Because she might think she did something "flirty" and crossed that line. Because that's a pretty thin line, and one that's easily crossed!!! And, even if with that you personally wouldn't label her, it's hard to say that there's a set of guidelines. Everyone's going to label at different points because everyone has a different definition of "flirting."

 

Also, where would a conversation like this be without a brief discussion on "slut-shaming?" :) To be honest, it's exactly the idea that a woman is "slutty" if she's aggressive that brings us all back to the labelling. I've been the iniator/aggressor in several of my relationships. Was I more "slutty" when I initiated than when I was passive? Well, the implication here is yes. At least, yes if I also flirted with the guy.

 

So if I wink at a guy during a conversation where I've approached him, am I a slut? What if he approached me? Does that make it different? What if I touch his arm? Or bat my eyelashes? Or, even more so - what's the definition? Is it consistent for every guy? For every situation? Is it okay if I flirt with a guy if we're at a bar, but not at a grocery store? There's a lot of the same types of concerns for guys. How do they know if/when they're coming off as a creep? Same basic principle. But I'd say (and to all the guys out there, forgive me if I'm making unfortunate generalizations) that the "slut" label is a heck of a lot harder to lose than the "creep" label, as a general rule.

 

I think i may have come off a little on the extreme side there. To me, there's a fine line with a girl showing interest in someone by talking to them about things, and engaging in general interaction, and a girl just straight up seducing a guy. I think that is more along the lines of what I was getting at, but it may have not been entirely applicable.. Again.. a bit extreme..

 

I'm a bit biased in all this though, as I don't look at people and judge them along the lines of dating material. I don't know if it was this thread or the other that I explained that I'm more about building up to something like that through natural connection (or did i even at all..?). Becoming friends with someone, then taking it steps further as a natural reaction to becoming close, instead of the initiating dating scheme... Maybe that's where I ultimately fail with this society, but I don't believe my method is wrong... just incompatible.

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My only advice is to not listen to people who tell you to just be patient, and that it'll happen. It won't. Nothing will happen if you don't make it happen. People were telling me that 15 years ago. And 10. And five. They'll be saying it in another 10. I'm a lot like you. I don't leave my house, but want a lot of the same things. And they're not going to happen. I sit in here all day playing computer games, watching Star Trek, wasting away. I'm in my mid-30's and have no relationships and no friends. That's where it will get you. My only advice on the "how to get women to like you" point is that no one wants an anything to do with someone who just wallows in their own misery all day, so I'd recommend working on that as an indirect thing rather than trying to work directly on a person. If you just sit around being depressed, you won't attract anyone. Don't be me, basically. That's all the advice I have. I can't tell you what does work, because I don't know. I can only tell you what doesn't work, because I'm great at that.

 

I don't know if there's any useful advice in there, or if it's just a stupid rant.

 

Couldn't agree more, actually... People say "Don't worry about it, it'll just happen". Fact is, it won't. It will not happen unless you actively try to make it happen. Life in this regards often makes me feel like i'm playing the sims - if I don't make things work, they never will, and everything that can go wrong, WILL go wrong. As much as this shouldn't work this way, it's strangely how life does. Figuring that one out is a headache.

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Couldn't agree more, actually... People say "Don't worry about it, it'll just happen". Fact is, it won't. It will not happen unless you actively try to make it happen. Life in this regards often makes me feel like i'm playing the sims - if I don't make things work, they never will, and everything that can go wrong, WILL go wrong. As much as this shouldn't work this way, it's strangely how life does. Figuring that one out is a headache.

 

 

True. I lived 25 years without ever being approached by a woman, despite constantly going into social gatherings, groups, etc. Even on dating sites I could count the initiating messages I got on fingers of my hands, it's not before I started sending out copious amounts of messages myself, that I started getting dates.

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Life in this regards often makes me feel like i'm playing the sims - if I don't make things work, they never will, and everything that can go wrong, WILL go wrong. As much as this shouldn't work this way, it's strangely how life does. Figuring that one out is a headache.

Used to subscribe to this belief. Not anymore. Not everything that can go wrong will. A lot, yes, but not all. Some things actually do work out right, unexpectedly. Also sometimes it is the perspective that you take when looking at stuff, that also determines whether things went right or wrong.

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  • 4 weeks later...

Hey I dont know if this conversation is still going, maybe you found a girl. But Im not trying to brag, Im 17 and Ive dated 28 girls. Some more than one at once which isnt a high point in my life but tbh, I would gladly change places with you. I regret every single one of those relationships. There was one though who I actually felt something for but I let her get away, biggest regret of my life. Its one of the reasons I'm so depressed because of what I did to her. But my point is, Dont rush into it just to have a girlfriend or have sex. Because one day Im sure you will meet the one. Like I had and itll be wort H the wait. Girls end up falling for a guy like you. A sincere guy. MOst girls I dated onLy dated me because of looks, status popularity and stuff like that. But that's not real love. You'll find love one day.

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Many people in relationships are very unhappy. There are a lot of people who are alone, some happy, some not.

Many "happy" people are in very toxic relationships.

Maybe all this doesn't matter to you right now, but try and remember when you see couples and automatically feel like they have something you don't, that there is always more to things than what we can see.

 

I hope you keep hope, maybe do some readings about human suffering to get perspective, understand that everyone has problems, no matter what it may look like.

 

I also hope some lucky woman finds you!

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I agree with others that relationships don't fix depression, sometimes they can just make it worse (when things are going bad). I'm married to a wonderful man who I love so much, but I am still suffering from severe depression. It's not caused by my relationship, but it isnt fixed by it either. Most days I feel sorry for him that he has had to put up with this for so long. He deserves better. Im sure there are plenty of people in relationships who are depressed or miserable, some times the relationship is part of the problem, other times it isnt but a relationship won't fix a person. I think the guilt I feel for what my DH has to put up with just compounds things sometimes, like I said, he deserves better and some times I think he would be much better off if I wasnt around (but at the same time, I don't want to hurt him by offing myself) so it's a catch 22

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I'm going to keep trying. Thank you all for taking the time out to type this. I've read every reply a gazillion times. The thing is after going through being alone so long it seems impossible in my mind that I will meet anyone. I don't believe it can happen. I think that's because of all the rejection I've gone through. Just girls after girls telling me that I'm not good enough. I got another dating coach. Yeah I know the last one was a disaster.

 

But that's how bad the situation is. I need someone to tell me what I'm doing wrong. I don't want to be alone anymore. I don't want anyone to have to go through what it is I feel like. I just want to meet a nice girl and treat her well. Many of you have said that just let it happen. But the thing is, if I spend all my time in my apartment. Then it's never going to happen. Women say that because majority of the time men are the ones that approach them. To them it just happens. But the guy is the one who has to take that big leap.

 

I hope I can start believing in my self again enough to take that big leap. Hope I haven't lost that part of myself.

 

I think that you should stop trying. Not because you don't deserve a girlfriend or anything like that, but because you are not ready. As many here have told you, you have to work on yourself first. Not on your dating skills, but on the very core of yourself - your inner peace, self worth and happiness. If you feel like you can't be happy with out a girlfriend, then a relationship won't make you happy. You will expect too much of it, it's not a magic cure. And if it makes you feel better and like you are something finally, when it ends, it will feel like you are nothing.

 

On the side note, would you date a female version of yourself if you were someone else? It may sound like a silly question, but if I were asked that 6 years ago, I'd say "absolutely not, why would I want to date someone like that?". And that was when I realized that I shouldn't really seek relationships until I can say yes.

 

A girlfriend is not going to fix you. You have to fix yourself. If anything, it will cause a lot of tension in the relationship and probably a breakup. Since you never had a girlfriend and you have this kind of attitude towards it, I'm telling you, it isn't going to end well, even if you are given a chance. You will mess it up and feel worse. So forget about getting a girlfriend for now and focus on yourself. Spend time with your friends, so you don't feel lonely, focus on deepening your relationship with them. Let go of the feeling like you are running out of time.

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  • 1 year later...
On 8 May 2015 at 1:46 AM, nexus321 said:
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I just never understood it. Why does everyone but me get into relationships? I think I'm at least cute but no woman gives me the time of the day. I've spent years trying to get a girlfriend, even got a dating coach. But that didn't help me. I just lost 3000 bucks for nothing. I just don't know what to do... all my life I've felt like I don't belong and even as an adult I still feel this way. Nothing has changed. People say be confident. Well trust me when I am confident it doesn't matter. I've never kissed a girl in my life. I've tried 2 times to kiss a girl. First time she pulled back and said sorry. The other actually started crying and said she wasn't over her ex. I think she was trying to "spare" my feelings. She used to flirt with me constantly on facebook and I don't know what I thought... Why would any girl like me? After a life time of being invisible that's how i feel, invisible. And don't say be happy and positive and someone will like you or better yet, be confident. I have been those things and women still reject me.

 

I log onto facebook and see the people I went to high school with. Everyone is with someone. Everyone! Even the wierdest geek from middle school is dating someone. What is so wrong with me that I turn off 100% of women everywhere??? The only reason I don't **** myself is my parents and what they'll think. I didn't ask to be born I didn't ask to go through life alone.

People in this world are just cruel, nobody cares about anyone. I'm crying as I'm typing this. I'm never going to fit in, I'm never going to belong.

 

I'm pretty good at cooking but whenever I mention that women look at me like I just said I'm gay or something.

I'm pretty good at drawing but that doesn't matter.

I speak 4 languages, still doesn't impress them.

I read books.

I love movies and rock music.

Oh and I read comics not to mention play video games. What else am I going to do with my spare time?

 

None of this makes a difference to women. I'm 25 and never had sex, never known what it feels like to kiss someone. The worst is when I go downtown and see couple holding hands, that kills me inside.

Sigh.

 

Reading this made me cry really hard. Why ?! Because it sounds too farmilliar. 

I have never talked to anyone about my problems before but this is probably the first time writing about this. 

 

I'm 25 years old and too never been loved. The girls whom I really liked all said you are like a brother to me and exactly when they say that that was the last time I hung out with them. 

I think myself as a pretty descent looking guy. And i am not shy. I'm working in the music industry and meet lots of people. But even then the girls i like thinks I'm the nice guy. 

There was one girl. Everybody thought Me and her were together cause we saw eachother in the weekends. But as I wanted to make sure so I could make a move. She told me I was like her brother. That night broke me so much that I have never asked a girl out again. 

Some people say that the shy part and the not confident part is why girls never feel attracted to them. But I know I look super confident and I am not shy at all and I still am feeling this lonely. 

 

Everytime a girl asks why do you not have a girlfriend i have this feeling in my throat that I want to cry it out loud because I just don't know why. Why I joined the music industry was purely just to get my shyness away and use that to get some girls. But we are now 10 years in the future and still only girls that don't want to be with the nicest guy ever. 

I have always had a lot of bad luck and have a lot of bad experiences. But one thing I always wanted is to be loved. 

 

On topic though: I hope you did manage to get a girl or any good experiences in the past year. I feel like total failure at this moment But I hope it all works out for you.  

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3 minutes ago, Musicaldude said:

Reading this made me cry really hard. Why ?! Because it sounds too farmilliar. 

I have never talked to anyone about my problems before but this is probably the first time writing about this. 

 

I'm 25 years old and too never been loved. The girls whom I really liked all said you are like a brother to me and exactly when they say that that was the last time I hung out with them. 

I think myself as a pretty descent looking guy. And i am not shy. I'm working in the music industry and meet lots of people. But even then the girls i like thinks I'm the nice guy. 

There was one girl. Everybody thought Me and her were together cause we saw eachother in the weekends. But as I wanted to make sure so I could make a move. She told me I was like her brother. That night broke me so much that I have never asked a girl out again. 

Some people say that the shy part and the not confident part is why girls never feel attracted to them. But I know I look super confident and I am not shy at all and I still am feeling this lonely. 

 

Everytime a girl asks why do you not have a girlfriend i have this feeling in my throat that I want to cry it out loud because I just don't know why. Why I joined the music industry was purely just to get my shyness away and use that to get some girls. But we are now 10 years in the future and still only girls that don't want to be with the nicest guy ever. 

I have always had a lot of bad luck and have a lot of bad experiences. But one thing I always wanted is to be loved. 

 

On topic though: I hope you did manage to get a girl or any good experiences in the past year. I feel like total failure at this moment But I hope it all works out for you.  

Have you tried making a move early on? Sounds like they think of you as a brother because you have already gotten close to them as a friend.

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5 minutes ago, verDominai said:

Have you tried making a move early on? Sounds like they think of you as a brother because you have already gotten close to them as a friend.

I did with a few others. But never ended with a smile on my face. I really have so many bad experiences. In love and in life. I'm just sick of all these bad memories. Close people die. Girls that reject me. I even sometimes think my parents think I might be gay. But I'm not.

right now. Life sucks a bit. 

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17 hours ago, verDominai said:

Have you tried making a move early on? Sounds like they think of you as a brother because you have already gotten close to them as a friend.

Yes that What I would do when I see a women I find attractive or feel a connection to I just ask them out after talking to them a few times i have my mind made up when I first meet them where im just going to flirt with them and not ask them out ask them out or act distant. I don,t need to have any female friends that I hover around that im attracted to and watch them go out with other men I would rather get rejected and move on then forget about them and meet someone else. I don,t want to be stuck with a women im  not interest in and im just going out with them because im lonely and bored, I use to just try to get women attracted to me and I would want to see if i could get them to pursue me even if I wasn,t attracted to them. Then girls I was really attracted to I would get shy around now I just approach women and ask them out or for there number right away and its lot less stressful even though im really anxious when I do it.

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  • 2 months later...
On 26.6.2016 at 11:21 PM, Musicaldude said:

Reading this made me cry really hard. Why ?! Because it sounds too farmilliar. 

I have never talked to anyone about my problems before but this is probably the first time writing about this. 

 

I'm 25 years old and too never been loved. The girls whom I really liked all said you are like a brother to me and exactly when they say that that was the last time I hung out with them. 

I think myself as a pretty descent looking guy. And i am not shy. I'm working in the music industry and meet lots of people. But even then the girls i like thinks I'm the nice guy. 

There was one girl. Everybody thought Me and her were together cause we saw eachother in the weekends. But as I wanted to make sure so I could make a move. She told me I was like her brother. That night broke me so much that I have never asked a girl out again. 

Some people say that the shy part and the not confident part is why girls never feel attracted to them. But I know I look super confident and I am not shy at all and I still am feeling this lonely. 

 

Everytime a girl asks why do you not have a girlfriend i have this feeling in my throat that I want to cry it out loud because I just don't know why. Why I joined the music industry was purely just to get my shyness away and use that to get some girls. But we are now 10 years in the future and still only girls that don't want to be with the nicest guy ever. 

I have always had a lot of bad luck and have a lot of bad experiences. But one thing I always wanted is to be loved. 

 

On topic though: I hope you did manage to get a girl or any good experiences in the past year. I feel like total failure at this moment But I hope it all works out for you.  

I forgot I had written this. I guess it's nice to know I'm not the only one going through this. Some times life just doesn't seem worth it.

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  • 1 year later...

first thing you need , to get  girlfriend is money and status. ofcourse if you are handsome you are already higher status then most of the men. nobody cares if you can cook if you are ugly and broke. Man up and find good job.

You are already low status beta male for  complaining about it. Chill and focus on something else.

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In my experience, trying to force a relationship won’t work. In my case I feel like I’ve done everything I can to get in a relationship and everything that could have gone wrong has. Nowadays I’m just going with the flow, but mind you I also started depression medication which has helped my mood a lot. I do think that seeing a counselor would help, as they often try to make you look at your situation from an outside perspective. I hope my experience can give you some insight and I wish you the best.

 

-KyleP.D.

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On 9/5/2015 at 2:42 AM, SpaceAce said:

Hi Nexus,

 

29 and never had a girlfriend here.

 

First while it may feel like everyone else is in a relationship that is not the case. The main question if why do you want to be in a relationship? For myself I can say that I want to be in a relationship to be cared for, be loved and feel happy. But all these things are just me wanting someone else to fix me and make me feel good which is not fair in any relationship. So for that reason I have stopped looking and stopped caring about getting into a relationship until I can start loving and caring for myself. You don't need a relationship to be happy but it can be an easy temporary fix.

 

The other thing is that when you see a relationship you see the happy, kissy feel good parts but you don't see the fights, arguments, disagreements, sacrifices, etc.

 

Take care.

Nice insight. This is what I realized as well. The reason why I desperately feel like I need a girlfriend is to feel loved. This is, of course, a nice part about being in a relationship, but I believe my need for it is obsessive. I need to learn how to love myself before I get into another relationship. It would only get out of hand otherwise and probably end up with her breaking up with me due to my insecurities.

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  • 3 years later...
On 5/7/2015 at 11:46 PM, nexus321 said:

I just never understood it. Why does everyone but me get into relationships? I think I'm at least cute but no woman gives me the time of the day. I've spent years trying to get a girlfriend, even got a dating coach. But that didn't help me. I just lost 3000 bucks for nothing. I just don't know what to do... all my life I've felt like I don't belong and even as an adult I still feel this way. Nothing has changed. People say be confident. Well trust me when I am confident it doesn't matter. I've never kissed a girl in my life. I've tried 2 times to kiss a girl. First time she pulled back and said sorry. The other actually started crying and said she wasn't over her ex. I think she was trying to "spare" my feelings. She used to flirt with me constantly on facebook and I don't know what I thought... Why would any girl like me? After a life time of being invisible that's how i feel, invisible. And don't say be happy and positive and someone will like you or better yet, be confident. I have been those things and women still reject me.

 

I log onto facebook and see the people I went to high school with. Everyone is with someone. Everyone! Even the wierdest geek from middle school is dating someone. What is so wrong with me that I turn off 100% of women everywhere??? The only reason I don't **** myself is my parents and what they'll think. I didn't ask to be born I didn't ask to go through life alone.

People in this world are just cruel, nobody cares about anyone. I'm crying as I'm typing this. I'm never going to fit in, I'm never going to belong.

 

I'm pretty good at cooking but whenever I mention that women look at me like I just said I'm gay or something.

I'm pretty good at drawing but that doesn't matter.

I speak 4 languages, still doesn't impress them.

I read books.

I love movies and rock music.

Oh and I read comics not to mention play video games. What else am I going to do with my spare time?

 

None of this makes a difference to women. I'm 25 and never had sex, never known what it feels like to kiss someone. The worst is when I go downtown and see couple holding hands, that kills me inside.

Sigh.

 

First of all, I would like to say that this is an honest post that I can relate to 100%, from speaking many foreign languages to listening to cultured music, not sure if you are European too. Sincerely apologizing that I haven't reacted to this masterpiece before, unfortunately I fall into that group of people who searched: being 25 and single. So nothing to do with this forum. I have never had a girlfriend too. What I am going to write now is meant for everyone with similar background.

The main reason why I searched for this is because I was wondering if this is a global phenomenon. Many posts I've felt related to, but this one hit the bullseye, so I decided to respond

As of second, shoutout to girls/women who commented on this matter. Expressions like: 'I was in relationship with him', 'very LATE to the dating game', 'low status beta male' etc. are all invalid in this situation. The reason why you are pointing out to these invalid arguments is because either you don't believe in what you wrote or act like he is the guy with a problem. You, my pal, don't have a problem. Ignore what they said. There is nothing wrong with you, unless you possibly got into some bad mental state because of the societal issue I am going to explain to you right now.

In order for you to understand better, let me tell a bit about myself. In addition to what you said and could be just copied for my case, I am that classic next door neighbour everybody likes. Regardless of gender or background, I like to help that "everybody". I try to live by the Christian rules as much as I can, but sometimes it is hard. Also, during my teen and early adolescent age (before corona), I was mostly surrounded by women. That would be enough to know about me for this particular discussion. Now to the "dating part". As a very selective person, I choose my friends carefully, and after a big life problem I had, (which for my friends was a test of friendship) I did what one my few remaining "the great purge", and cut contact with many of my friends and almost all my female friends (one left from the old crew and two slipped in somehow, one of them is good comparison to Luminescence's story). I realised after burning some bridges that none of these women never actually saw me as a boyfriend type (and obviously were bad friends too) and even if they did or were kind of open about it, I could feel it was not for the purpose of liking me, but either for security or personal gain. I was lucky to have avoided these mishappenings at least.

Which leads us to the main problem: modern society. Girls and women are raised nowadays to like men either solely for looks or gain. As someone who is not looking for a short-term relationship (to simplify it for certain commentors here; it's a friendship with a chance to update to a serious relationship with commitment). Women run away from that (99% I know personally and cases when they fled). There are small remnants of these girls that like "funny guys" or "smart guys", but they are either bad at introspection or got consumed by their surroundings. Also not to talk about imaginary "weirdness" label they would put onto some pretty nice guys I knew, and would date some moral failures instead. "Been there, seen it" as the old folks tend to say. But, we are too small to even affect the societal problems, let alone solve them. In every society you have a choice, be the part of it or leave it. I decided to ignore that "part of society", and to leave that on hold. If I meet a girl that would be applicable, I might give her a chance to approach me and get to know me better. Good guys have to stsrt focusing on other things unfortunately, and stop being a crying shoulder for unstable women who use them for comfort.

I figured out you are already 30/31 now, I sincerely hope you are doing well. If you see this, please respond. You have many brothers, you just haven't met them yet. Wish you all the best!

P.S. Also had women asking me if I was gay, a conservative Christian guy -_- Really makes you womder where the smart women have gone.

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On 5/10/2015 at 9:49 AM, Lumessence said:

 

No. I am straight forward about the whole abusively rude thing. 

7 years ago I met a girl online that we connected to levels i hadn't ever imagined possible. She told me she loved me, and that she would be there for me when she could. Suddenly one day she just shut off with me and was basically done. I asked her why, and she said "I can't really explain it". Then I found out she fell for a guy she met on a dating site and have only known for a month to that date. She then moved in with the guy, and i basically heard nothing from her since...

 

A year or two had passed and something crossed my mind. I was thinking about her, and curious how it was going, so tried to reconnect to her, only to find out that that guy was extremely physically abusive and forceful about things. She still stuck with him for a year or so during that time because "but love". 

 

Additionally I constantly heard guys talking about their sexual exploits and how many girls they've "had fun" with in those terms. They treat girls like objects and obviously don't care much beyond that, yet they have a lot more "success" than guys who legitimately care.

 

So no. It's not just about the being more open about things like you're talking about (which I totally understand). It's more than that. Guys are legitimately abusive and disprespectful to not only them, but others around them that they have no connection to. It's blatent abuse, yet they fall into relationships like the change of seasons.

Also, as I can relate to this too, I wanted to respond to this too. When I was 22, I also met a girl online, I wish I never did. She was first helping me with my problems and vice versa. Same happened to me regarding saying that she loved me and dating a guy that she met on a dating app (who is a porn addict and I suspect a cocaine addict too) and after a month I was completely, to quote her "slow-faded". She even rejected ever being romantically attached to me, also lying to me about dating guys on app, and when I found out, she told me that she is going out to have fun and leave the house (as if I wad a 5-year-old boy and would buy that, "You know, Tinder is there to meet friends, not f***bois"). Some time ago she told me:"I want to spend my life with him", also classic transfer of guilt, "silent" threatening etc. I feel bad for the guy honestly, she is probably manipulating him too and hasn't even told him about me. And now she is playing the guilt game, slowly stopping contact with me, at least she stopped mocking me by mentioning him all the time, sometimes Iliterally had to puke afterwards. She also became openly hostile to my opinions regarding anything. The only reason why I am still keeping contact is because we have a mutual friend.

Also, about objectifying, with these bad choices, certain girls invite guys to treat them like objects, like she does. More selective girls do not get treated like objects. Same goes for guys. Period.

Moreover, this abuse thing will probably affect my "e-lovebird" too, I tried to warn her, but of course, it was reversed right at me as trying to interfere, as if there was something worthy of interfering.

That would be the end of my activity in this forum. One for all my boys out there, stay well and sane, and improve yourselves. May God bless you all!

 

Edited by BoereVolkstaat
typo
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On 12/23/2021 at 12:45 AM, BoereVolkstaat said:

Also, as I can relate to this too, I wanted to respond to this too. When I was 22, I also met a girl online, I wish I never did. She was first helping me with my problems and vice versa. Same happened to me regarding saying that she loved me and dating a guy that she met on a dating app (who is a porn addict and I suspect a cocaine addict too) and after a month I was completely, to quote her "slow-faded". She even rejected ever being romantically attached to me, also lying to me about dating guys on app, and when I found out, she told me that she is going out to have fun and leave the house (as if I wad a 5-year-old boy and would buy that, "You know, Tinder is there to meet friends, not f***bois"). Some time ago she told me:"I want to spend my life with him", also classic transfer of guilt, "silent" threatening etc. I feel bad for the guy honestly, she is probably manipulating him too and hasn't even told him about me. And now she is playing the guilt game, slowly stopping contact with me, at least she stopped mocking me by mentioning him all the time, sometimes Iliterally had to puke afterwards. She also became openly hostile to my opinions regarding anything. The only reason why I am still keeping contact is because we have a mutual friend.

Also, about objectifying, with these bad choices, certain girls invite guys to treat them like objects, like she does. More selective girls do not get treated like objects. Same goes for guys. Period.

Moreover, this abuse thing will probably affect my "e-lovebird" too, I tried to warn her, but of course, it was reversed right at me as trying to interfere, as if there was something worthy of interfering.

That would be the end of my activity in this forum. One for all my boys out there, stay well and sane, and improve yourselves. May God bless you all!

 

Hi,

If the relationship only lasted a month I would try to move on. I have dated a lot and for saying some women invite guys to treat them like objects I feel it is more like the woman wants to feel wanted and needed. It is about timing because if you push at the wrong time they dont like but if you never push they also dont like.

If you are sensitive try finding a nicer woman to date some of them are bit less coy will give people an easier time.

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