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nexus321

25 And Never Had A Girlfriend

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I just never understood it. Why does everyone but me get into relationships? I think I'm at least cute but no woman gives me the time of the day. I've spent years trying to get a girlfriend, even got a dating coach. But that didn't help me. I just lost 3000 bucks for nothing. I just don't know what to do... all my life I've felt like I don't belong and even as an adult I still feel this way. Nothing has changed. People say be confident. Well trust me when I am confident it doesn't matter. I've never kissed a girl in my life. I've tried 2 times to kiss a girl. First time she pulled back and said sorry. The other actually started crying and said she wasn't over her ex. I think she was trying to "spare" my feelings. She used to flirt with me constantly on facebook and I don't know what I thought... Why would any girl like me? After a life time of being invisible that's how i feel, invisible. And don't say be happy and positive and someone will like you or better yet, be confident. I have been those things and women still reject me.

 

I log onto facebook and see the people I went to high school with. Everyone is with someone. Everyone! Even the wierdest geek from middle school is dating someone. What is so wrong with me that I turn off 100% of women everywhere??? The only reason I don't **** myself is my parents and what they'll think. I didn't ask to be born I didn't ask to go through life alone.

People in this world are just cruel, nobody cares about anyone. I'm crying as I'm typing this. I'm never going to fit in, I'm never going to belong.

 

I'm pretty good at cooking but whenever I mention that women look at me like I just said I'm gay or something.

I'm pretty good at drawing but that doesn't matter.

I speak 4 languages, still doesn't impress them.

I read books.

I love movies and rock music.

Oh and I read comics not to mention play video games. What else am I going to do with my spare time?

 

None of this makes a difference to women. I'm 25 and never had sex, never known what it feels like to kiss someone. The worst is when I go downtown and see couple holding hands, that kills me inside.

Sigh.

 

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Hi nexus321.   We've actually had many people on DF in your situation so it isn't as uncommon as you might think.  I think sometimes people get caught in a vicious cycle where their self-esteem or confidence gets eroded because they haven't had a relationship, and then they don't get a relationship because their self-esteem or confidence has been eroded.  Nothing puts people off like loneliness - it's very sad.

 

I'm thinking maybe a professional therapist or counsellor could help you.  At the very least, they could help you feel more at peace with your situation.  I believe that if you are truly accepting and at peace with yourself, then other people will naturally be drawn to you.  

 

As an adult, I've found one of the best ways to make friends is to take a class in something you're interested in - like photography, art or writing, then forming a group to continue doing the activity after the class ends.  There are also a lot of meetup groups for many subjects nowadays.  But I would do the therapy first, to help work out any personal issues that might be stopping you from getting female interest.

 

Best wishes to you,

Lauryn

 

I've been to a therapist. I might feel a bit better for a while but when days turn to weeks that turn onto months that turn into years I'll be back here in this state of dispair. I wish magic wishes were a real thing. That's the only way I see my life turning out any good. As sad as that sounds it's true. Women just toy with me and in the end say something like "you're like my brother, why would i have feelings for you?"

just once I wish a girl would want me to kiss her and not reject me.

 

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Jesus. I'm sorry man. I'm getting emotional just reading your post. I feel for you dude. I really do. I'm so ****ing sorry that you are having to experience this lonliness. You seem so sweet and sincere. I can relate to a lot of what you are saying, but unfortunately the problem is more with me and them. The FEW relationships I have been in I always end up self isolating and pushing the person away or completely breaking up with them just because I'm not mentally stable enough to handle a relationship. I have nothing to say but I'm sending you all my love and positive vibes. Stay strong friend. If nothing else I care about you.

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Jesus. I'm sorry man. I'm getting emotional just reading your post. I feel for you dude. I really do. I'm so ****ing sorry that you are having to experience this lonliness. You seem so sweet and sincere. I can relate to a lot of what you are saying, but unfortunately the problem is more with me and them. The FEW relationships I have been in I always end up self isolating and pushing the person away or completely breaking up with them just because I'm not mentally stable enough to handle a relationship. I have nothing to say but I'm sending you all my love and positive vibes. Stay strong friend. If nothing else I care about you.

 

Thank you. That warms my heart man :) You're a good dude.

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hello nexus

you are not alone. 27 here, almost 28 i think (starting to lose track....) and never had a girlfriend. Best i had was a couple of dates with tons of real emotion that felt like it was finally going to happen for me, but then it all imploded. i have had several sexual encounters, mostly not good ones.

you can take comfort in knowing that not everyone else is doing fine always. Actually it is the very small exception that has a fun, consistent and good relationship. and most of the ones who look happy, probably are not. deep down most of them are just as frustrated and lonely, maybe moreso, than us.

Nowadays i try not to think about it too much. I have given up trying altogether so i just focus on my work. I go about my days just doing the bare minimum everywhere i go. Keeps me out of trouble and i do not waste energy or effort doing things for other people.

One thing i will say, is that i am no longer happy if a girl tells me i am cute. I believe this is an insult even if not intentional by them. Dogs are cute. Designer jeans are cute. Babies are cute. I have found that only when a girl uses words like "handsome" or "hot" does it mean that she has real interest in me and respect for me. Everything else is just nonsense and games.

Girls like anger, strength, emotions, confidence, physical activity, and bad boys. I have very few of these. I am logical, law abiding, low energy, not athletic, and very risk averse. So, i cannot exactly expect too much, right? It is just reality.

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I am 32, and never had any dating experience, much less a boyfriend. I blame it on my lackluster looks, and crappy self- esteem. I understand your frustration.

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Well, I never had a steady girlfriend at 25 either. But I don't feel jealous when I see couples holding hands. I know very unhappy people in relationships. Most people I knew who commited suicide had relationships.

Edited by depressedand

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I'm handsome but never had girlfriend now at 35 cause i choose to not to have and i don't plan to get married too:P don't worry this world is fake with full of fake and unworthy people in it.

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@Nexus321 - If girls give you a 'look' when you mention that you like cooking, be rest assured that there will be many many more who will light up when they hear this. A man to cook for me??? How cool is that!!!??? Any who give you the 'look' are not worth bothering with, imo.

 

I believe that *everybody* has at least one talent, and apart from cooking, it's clear that you're a natural at languages. Have you ever thought about exploring those avenues where there are people in your country who do not speak the local language, but one of your other three? I reckon you could make a 'spot' for yourself where you would be very welcome - and try not to focus on females only. Often you encounter females via male contacts.

 

I really hope you find somebody soon. I can see no reason why you shouldn't.

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You sound like a great guy.

 

I'm going to give you some advice - take it or not.

 

Don't worry about it.  Keep on being a great guy.  25 is not old by a long shot.  Bide your time, and in the words of Gloria Steinem "far too many people are looking for the right person, instead of trying to be the right person".

 

She's out there.  You've got tons of time - live life.  Go places, do things.  If a few women just want to be friends, go with it!  We all need friends.  And remember that those friends also have friends.

 

I didn't date much.  Met a great girl and fell in love at 26 or 27.  That didn't work out.  Got married at 39.  That lasted a little over four years.  Whatever.  Say you don't meet anyone special until you're thirty.  Gee... that could last... another fifty-sixty years?  You're golden.

 

I hate walking through malls, holidays, Valentine's Day, and all that, too.  But I'm still hopeful that someone else will come along.  Because I've got thoughts and ideas and interests to share.  As far as I know, my equipment still works pretty well.  I'm working out now, and eating better than I have... ever!  I'm ready.  You be ready, too.

 

Stay great.  Live life.  She's out there, my friend!

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I'm so terribly sorry for how you're feeling. I didn't get my first kiss until I was 18. Didn't have sex until I was 24. And you know what? I wish I had never kissed the guys I kissed or slept with the guys I slept with. The relationships I have had have been straight out of a Lifetime movie. You know, abusive and all that. It hasn't been pleasant.

 

As a 29 year old female, I'm constantly being asked when I'm going to get married or when I'm going to start having babies. Am I that old that I need to start doing that right away or I'll lose my chance?
 

Anyway, I know how loneliness feels. It's hell. You wonder what is it about you that makes everyone turn away from you. I can't even seem to keep friends in my life let alone a guy. And when I do meet guys, they turn out to be drunks, addicts, or physically abusive.

 

I wish I could go back in time and take it all back. So much of my heart has been taken away from me. 

 

Hang in there. Maybe you are one of the lucky ones who will find his soul mate before having to go through all the heart ache of dating messed up people.

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I'm so terribly sorry for how you're feeling. I didn't get my first kiss until I was 18. Didn't have sex until I was 24. And you know what? I wish I had never kissed the guys I kissed or slept with the guys I slept with. The relationships I have had have been straight out of a Lifetime movie. You know, abusive and all that. It hasn't been pleasant.

 

As a 29 year old female, I'm constantly being asked when I'm going to get married or when I'm going to start having babies. Am I that old that I need to start doing that right away or I'll lose my chance?

 

Anyway, I know how loneliness feels. It's hell. You wonder what is it about you that makes everyone turn away from you. I can't even seem to keep friends in my life let alone a guy. And when I do meet guys, they turn out to be drunks, addicts, or physically abusive.

 

I wish I could go back in time and take it all back. So much of my heart has been taken away from me. 

 

Hang in there. Maybe you are one of the lucky ones who will find his soul mate before having to go through all the heart ache of dating messed up people.

 

I hope you're right :)

Good luck to you too I hope everything works out.

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@Nexus321 - If girls give you a 'look' when you mention that you like cooking, be rest assured that there will be many many more who will light up when they hear this. A man to cook for me??? How cool is that!!!??? Any who give you the 'look' are not worth bothering with, imo.

 

I believe that *everybody* has at least one talent, and apart from cooking, it's clear that you're a natural at languages. Have you ever thought about exploring those avenues where there are people in your country who do not speak the local language, but one of your other three? I reckon you could make a 'spot' for yourself where you would be very welcome - and try not to focus on females only. Often you encounter females via male contacts.

 

I really hope you find somebody soon. I can see no reason why you shouldn't.

Thanks that does make me feel better

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Hi Nexus,

 

29 and never had a girlfriend here.

 

First while it may feel like everyone else is in a relationship that is not the case. The main question if why do you want to be in a relationship? For myself I can say that I want to be in a relationship to be cared for, be loved and feel happy. But all these things are just me wanting someone else to fix me and make me feel good which is not fair in any relationship. So for that reason I have stopped looking and stopped caring about getting into a relationship until I can start loving and caring for myself. You don't need a relationship to be happy but it can be an easy temporary fix.

 

The other thing is that when you see a relationship you see the happy, kissy feel good parts but you don't see the fights, arguments, disagreements, sacrifices, etc.

 

Take care.

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I am 24 and in the same postion im starting to really not care though I think I just really wanted a girlfriend so bad because I never felt loved by my family so I wanted someone to fill the void that I have from childhood,but right now I don't even want to date or have the energy to pretend that im happy for anyone else,It such a pain to find people who meet my standards,then there never single anyway,and I cant be bothered to jump all the hoops dating requires just stop caring you don,t need a women most those people in relationships are just faking it to fit in with all there friends most of them who get married will be divorced any way in five years,and if your a man and have kids your pretty much screwed for life if the women divorces you.Belive me I know how it feels to be alone,but most people aren't worth the effort to know anyway and people in relationships who have sex are jut as miserable as people who are single and don,t have sex for enteriley different reasons though,just make sure you don,t buy into the proganda by society that you need a partner to be happy,its all a load of bull,Most people who are together are in toxic relationships because there afraid to be alone and instead settle because there desperate,they don't know this till they are 30 or 40 and are still depressed though,then they complain that they want to be single again,life is funny.

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Dude, twenty-five isn't that old. Come back when you're forty and don't have a girlfriend. In fact, that's not a problem either cause guess what, you can still get a girlfriend even in your eighties.

 

Plus, you have a bad attitude. If the only way you can have good self-esteem about yourself is by having a girlfriend, then you probably won't get a girlfriend. In order to have a relationship your partner has to believe in you and how can they believe in you if you don't even believe in yourself?

 

You need to stop looking at women rejecting you as there being a problem with you, and start looking at it as a process.

 

I hate to sound sexist, and what I'm about to say is going to sound very much so, but this is the way it's set up in this society and in this world.

 

Woman are super selective, tediously so, because they don't want to get hurt.

Now, that's true for some guys too, but, it seems it's more common in women. There's this fear of regret and bad memories. There's this fear that you're going to put all this effort and emotion into a relationship and then it's going to blow up.

When you go into to kiss a woman she's probably thinking "Okay, is this too soon to be kissing? Does he always kiss other woman this soon? Or maybe he's trying to get into my pants as fast as possible? Or maybe, he never gets women so he's desperate. Maybe he only likes me cause he thinks I'm easy?" and other such things.

And it sounds silly, and it is! But, that's a thing that happens. You've listed things you're good at but you never listed how reliable you as a partner. Are you gonna lose interest in a week? Are you with her only because you wanted a girlfriend? Do you genuinely like her?
This is why they don't care if you can cook, I mean it helps definitely, it shows you have character at least, but it's not as important. Remember, the greatest chef in the world can still be a terrible person. 

 

You keep saying you think there's something wrong with you but did it ever occur to you that women don't know if you're a good person or not. They're not mind readers for gosh sakes, they can't see into your brain. They don't think you're a bad guy, they just don't know, and who would go into a relationship if they weren't sure of the other guy's intentions? It's just asking for trouble.

 

You might think it's ridiculous, and it is, but people are needy, and selfish. Regardless of gender, people need reassurance, love, and to feel special. I'm sure that's what you want too.

 

So how do you show you care? Well first off, care who you end up with. When you say "I can't girlfriend" you just sound you don't care who you get. It make it seem like this a game to you or some sort of trophy to be earned. If that's you're attitude than you should just stop looking right now. Nobody wants to be treated like a prize and relationships aren't a game.

Secondly, don't think about yourself and what you're going to gain out of this. I know it's hard cause that's what everybody thinks about when going into a relationship but that's not about what a relationship is about. It's about putting your needs and wants aside for what they want. If you start thinking about them and not yourself, maybe they'll stop thinking about themselves and think about you, and then you'll have a girlfriend.

 

Then again, that might not show you any affection and you could end up being single, but that's okay, cause you may not get what you want, but I think that's not what you need right now. I think you need to be okay with being with yourself first, cause that's what I think you need the most.

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I'm pretty good at cooking but whenever I mention that women look at me like I just said I'm gay or something.

I'm pretty good at drawing but that doesn't matter.

I speak 4 languages, still doesn't impress them.

I read books.

I love movies and rock music.

Oh and I read comics not to mention play video games. What else am I going to do with my spare time?

 

None of this makes a difference to women

Sigh.

no, I wouldnt think it would. All the stuff you mention is just inconsequential to a relationship. Women are going to care more about who you are, not your pastimes. But it all starts with some type of attraction. some of that is physical, but a lot of it is also your personality. When I was younger, I was never super hung up on how a guy looked, some guys were just attractive to me, others may have only been mildly in a quirky sort of way but it didnt proclude them. But I do remember having a bit of an attraction to one guy who was a few years older and definitely a geek and he was very into me. We fooled around a couple of times (but didnt have sex) and it seemed like sex was the only thing he was interested in getting even though I dont think he would have viewed it like that, but I think he was just so focused on sleeping with me and didnt really know how to be with someone. I think to him, sex=a relationship. It didnt work out, he wanted to sleep with me, I wanted someone interesting and fun to have a relationship with and he wasnt that guy but he was seriously p***** off when I lost interest. There were other issues too, but I guess my point is, how you view your interaction with women may be very different to how they view it and you're so eager to be in a relationship that you may be misreading things. It happens all the time.

 

I also believe things happen in their own time and cant be rushed. I have a neighbour who has been single his whole life and met someone in his late 50s. They have been together a few years and now live together so it's never too late to meet the right person. He's still somewhat antisocial and she is the one with all the friends and family but his life seems much happier now. At 25 there is still plenty of time to meet someone.

Edited by bluegal

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I don't know guys. Even when I'm with my friends all they talk about is their bf or gf's. It gets to me. Women never pay any attention to me. It's always sorry but you're not my type. I know I can't give up but sometimes i want to. Sometimes life just feels like a battle that can't be won. So what is the point of fighting?

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Sometimes you have to stop fighting and accept how things are to have peace,atleast your happiness isn,t dependent on other people like your friends what do you think will happen to them when they break up,it not your problem if women don,t pay attetion to you its there loss.Im sure your friends envy you in someway to, the grass is always greener on the other side.You don't need a girlfriend or sex to be happy,look at the dalilama and all the monks and nuns in the world,im sure a lot of them are happy despite not having realtionships at all.

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Sometimes you have to stop fighting and accept how things are to have peace,atleast your happiness isn,t dependent on other people like your friends what do you think will happen to them when they break up,it not your problem if women don,t pay attetion to you its there loss.Im sure your friends envy you in someway to, the grass is always greener on the other side.You don't need a girlfriend or sex to be happy,look at the dalilama and all the monks and nuns in the world,im sure a lot of them are happy despite not having realtionships at all.

Being alone is not the answer for me. Never was. I've never been happy alone. I've wanted a girlfriend since I was 6 years old and I'm 25 now. Never even come close to one man. Yeah I know monks and nuns live alone and detached. But are they really happy? One of my cousins she never met anyone and she's 44 years old now. It's just plain sad. She never got married and now she spends her days taking care of her mother. She used to be so full of life but now it's all gone. She's a shell of a person.

 

I don't want to be like that. I need to be better. I need to figure out a way to belong.

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It's interesting you mention Facebook. That site seems to be bad news for all but the most successful and happy. What you need to bear in mind about Facebook, is that people only display good things about their lives - nobody broadcasts bad things about themselves. I deactivated my account. It's amazing how much spare time you get back. 

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I just never understood it. Why does everyone but me get into relationships? I think I'm at least cute but no woman gives me the time of the day. I've spent years trying to get a girlfriend, even got a dating coach. But that didn't help me. I just lost 3000 bucks for nothing. I just don't know what to do... all my life I've felt like I don't belong and even as an adult I still feel this way. Nothing has changed. People say be confident. Well trust me when I am confident it doesn't matter. I've never kissed a girl in my life. I've tried 2 times to kiss a girl. First time she pulled back and said sorry. The other actually started crying and said she wasn't over her ex. I think she was trying to "spare" my feelings. She used to flirt with me constantly on facebook and I don't know what I thought... Why would any girl like me? After a life time of being invisible that's how i feel, invisible. And don't say be happy and positive and someone will like you or better yet, be confident. I have been those things and women still reject me.

 

I log onto facebook and see the people I went to high school with. Everyone is with someone. Everyone! Even the wierdest geek from middle school is dating someone. What is so wrong with me that I turn off 100% of women everywhere??? The only reason I don't **** myself is my parents and what they'll think. I didn't ask to be born I didn't ask to go through life alone.

People in this world are just cruel, nobody cares about anyone. I'm crying as I'm typing this. I'm never going to fit in, I'm never going to belong.

 

I'm pretty good at cooking but whenever I mention that women look at me like I just said I'm gay or something.

I'm pretty good at drawing but that doesn't matter.

I speak 4 languages, still doesn't impress them.

I read books.

I love movies and rock music.

Oh and I read comics not to mention play video games. What else am I going to do with my spare time?

 

None of this makes a difference to women. I'm 25 and never had sex, never known what it feels like to kiss someone. The worst is when I go downtown and see couple holding hands, that kills me inside.

Sigh.

 

 I'm really sorry you are feeling so lonely and invisible, nexus. I am also sorry that the dating coach sucked so much money out of your wallet and didn't help much - ugh, it aggravates me just reading about it! You sound like quite the catch to me - I love men who read books and/or cook.

 

 I am not in your exact position, though I am also single and suffer from depression, but I can relate to the feeling of not really "fitting" anywhere. I feel that I think differently from most people I meet, am more likely to question things, and never match the first impression people get from looking at me (thankfully). But sometimes, just sometimes, I find people who are almost like "kindred spirits" and whose company I really enjoy. Not just for the sake of having someone around, I genuinely enjoy and feel understood by these few people when they come around. I am sure there are people like this out there for you, too, including a woman. I wish I could snap my fingers and speed up the process for you :verysad3:

 

I know it's very hard to feel this way when you are alone, but those women who weren't interested don't define your worth. You also aren't the only 25 year old in this position. I am 26, and when I met my ex, he was 25. I was his first girlfriend and sexual partner.

 

All the best,

Christina

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Being alone is not the answer for me. Never was. I've never been happy alone. I've wanted a girlfriend since I was 6 years old and I'm 25 now. Never even come close to one man. Yeah I know monks and nuns live alone and detached. But are they really happy? One of my cousins she never met anyone and she's 44 years old now. It's just plain sad. She never got married and now she spends her days taking care of her mother. She used to be so full of life but now it's all gone. She's a shell of a person.

 

I don't want to be like that. I need to be better. I need to figure out a way to belong.

 

Why did you want a girlfriend when were 6 years old?

 

And, if you've never had a girlfriend before, than how do you know getting one will make you happy?

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I'm currently 29, and seriously thinking of just calling it quits once i hit 30 years never having a girlfriend, no dates, no kissing, no sexual encounters, nothing. I've had zero connections with any girl. You certainly aren't alone, and you certainly don't have it worse off than other people if you're 25 and have at least been close enough to a girl to a situation where kissing was even on the mind.

 

Councelors aren't the way to go like was suggested. 5 years will go by and you'll realize that the only person you've gotten closer to is that councelor, and not in a way you were hoping.

 

 It does not seem to matter how good of person you are or how much you try, some people are just picked out by life against their will... I feel like this post of mine is pointless, but that concept frustrates me to no end, and it's a factor of society that I hate. Hate so much that a part of me just wants the world and everyone else to cease to exist completely. I'm a respectful, patient, and caring guy by nature, almost divinely so, yet everywhere I look around me, inconsiderate, rude, selfish people seem to be the ones getting all the dates and sexual activity. Strange how that works. 

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I will just ask this here since it is relevant to the forum topics. I want to see if anyone else can relate or knows the answer and can explain it to me. I would like to know HOW exactly people get into relationships?

Let me explain first.

When i was younger i did not think too much about it. I just assumed that people would get to know each other and somehow at different levels of intimacy they date, they become boyfriend/girlfriend, they marry, etc. I saw some people who were "going out" in high school, i was always jealous of this and wondered how it happened? It would often seem very spontaneous and mysterious.

Now that i am in the real world and do not have the convenience of school friends to develop comfort with, if I ever want to get a girlfriend I obviously have to find one in public somewhere somehow, and start dating i guess? But what exactly happens that turns dating into a relationship? Do people just "know" it when it happens and one day start referring to themselves as that? Does one partner ask the other? Is it typically the guy or the girl who asks?

What level of intimacy is usually required to become boyfriend and girlfriend? It seems like it is different everywhere. Little 5 year old kids sometimes are boyfriend and girlfriend, and yet some people can have sex and still not be boyfriend and girlfriend. Is there some universal obligation that a partner must fulfill to be considered a boyfriend or girlfriend? Does it mean your life is somehow connected to the other person? If so what exactly is that point at which it becomes connected?

Most importantly, if people are single, they probably are single for a reason (emotional problems, not attractive enough, or some other issue) so how do single people become not single ? It seems like the only people who are boyfriend or girlfriend "material" are people who are already in a relationship. So its like a catch 22. To be in a relationship you must be relationship material, but to be relationship material you probably need to have been in a relationship or currently be in one.

Is there some brief "window" of opportunity when people are leaving relationships or transitioning from single to "relationship material"? Is that when it happens, or is it a more gradual long term process ?

I just do not get it and never have. Everone says "it will happen when it happens" and i know what they mean, things tend to just fall in place sometimes, but in practical terms i cannot quite figure it out here.

I had an experience with one girl which felt really emotional to me, and actually FELT like it was happening after just a couple dates and i was pretty sure she felt it too, but then when it fell apart quickly and i used the word "breakup" she replied that "we were never together in the first place". But it felt pretty real to me, so what gives?

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