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Advice Please..


cbutterflies

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Can anyone relate..

I've gone so in on myself that I don't know how to be more 'me'. I feel so low and not worthy, and there's so much I want to say but I can't say it.

I've spent so long unhappy and stuck that I am unhappy and stuck.

I'm not sure how many of you remember, but I had a fall out with a friend last september. Today we spoke and made up, and everything felt normal.

I was so anxious and shaky to begin with. I'm still racked with guilt, but I asked her about it and she said we're talking, we're normal, there's nothing to talk about.. (I guess I'll have to talk about it on monday to my counsellor). But yeah, being friends with her made me happy and funny, I felt more alive than I ever had done. Then when I lost her I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't move on with my life, not without her.

Well now I feel like I've f*cked myself over. I'm not me. I want to cry and I want to scream. I don't want to be me :(

I'm so tired of being me. Shy, boring, troubled. I want to quit but I don't want to disappear forever. I feel like everyone has problems but no one feels the way I do.

Edited by cbutterflies
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Thank you for sharing your life with us. It takes courage and strength.

I am glad you have regained your friendship. What a huge blessing! And yes, there are those of us who know what you are talking about. Can you try something, I don't know how your inner dialog is, but mine is terrible. Therapist has me making "I" statements, positive ones. It helps me to figure out that inhale good qualities. I am kind. I am giving, I am a good listener. I like movies. I like to speak. I like to help others. Now, I can't help others right now, in some ways, but I can help in other ways. I help here on df, by replying to people as best I can. I don't have money or such,and am a bit shut in right now. Those statements have helped me. They help me know me better. And even like me better.

I was thinking how your friend Said that things are fine. Some people.can do that, move on without discussing things in detail or even discussing things at all. That isn't me. Nope. I have questions, thoughts, things I want to say, I want to know things. Usually things others don't want to know. Why did it take so long for us to get back together? Did you miss me, or just push me out of your mind? Stuff like that. I have an active brain. It's hard on my husband and my children also. Talk to your therapist. Find out if it really matters to ask questions, etc. You might just have to get back into the swing of the friendship before you can ask some, or you might find that you don't really care after a bit, that your just happy to have her back in your life. Discuss the guilt with your therapist. That's important, guilt can be all consuming.

And maybe go and scream in your pillow. It can't hurt anything but your throat if you scream to hard. Have you told your therapist that you feel like this. That you are just kind of stuck? Might be a good idea if you haven't.

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Everything you have written describes me perfectly. Even the nice, positive things you said about yourself.. I am all of that too.

I want to ask so many questions. I want to know if she missed me. If she still loves me and really wants me her life.

I told her today how loads of girls dislike me and she said 'except for me' and I didn't know what to think. She has every reason to hate me. I'm so confused and anxious all the time but when I saw the doctor he said I was stressed and anxious but needed counselling. So here I am.

I think I may have anxiety but I'm not sure.

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It sounds like you friendship with her fixed certain things you were struggling with and then when it went away you were hit by a crisis. And now that she has had time to get past the issue and come back you can no longer just take it all at face value and get what you did from it.

I think wanting to have questions answered and to be reassured is normal. And that we are never really fixed by other people. To find true contentment we need to work on the deep stuff ourselves and start there. Its Ok to be you and for that to be good enough and well done for getting therapy. That will help your friendship but most importantly it will help you be you and a happy you.

Edited by Fizzle
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It sounds like you friendship with her fixed certain things you were struggling with and then when it went away you were hit by a crisis. And now that she has had time to get past the issue and come back you can no longer just take it all at face value and get what you did from it.

I think wanting to have questions answered and to be reassured is normal. And that we are never really fixed by other people. To find true contentment we need to work on the deep stuff ourselves and start there. Its Ok to be you and for that to be good enough and well done for getting therapy. That will help your friendship but most importantly it will help you be you and a happy you.

I definitely agree that being friends with her solved a lot of issues - took me away from them if anything. Then with time apart I remembered all the bad.

Thank you. I feel really positive about getting back into therapy and can't wait for my next session :) x

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That must have been very hard to write. You have a lot of courage.

Congratulations on working things out with your friend! I hope you can work through the underlying issues with your therapist and maintain your hard-won friendship.

I do know what you mean not wanting to be yourself. Is it like you think someone else would do a better job of it, or that you're not interested in what your life has to offer? If it's the former, some positive thinking and self-compassion sound to be in order. Can you picture yourself as a little child? Doesn't that child deserve all the love and protection she needs? Why are things any different now? You're still the same person. If it's the latter, can you add some play to your life? A hobby? Fun exercise? Spoiling yourself with something you would enjoy?

May you be safe. May you be peaceful. May you be kind to yourself.

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