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What's On Your Mind Right Now?


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My entire existence. Everything is floating around my head, vivid, blurry, painful and beautiful. I'm scared of everything. So much feeling is rushing through me. It's spilling out of my head all over the carpet. I'm almost through half a month of taking my depression medication, and I suppose my brain is beginning to feel the effects. These feelings cannot be mended by time nor space. I want to cry right now, but I can't. There will never be a better time than this to cry, but it's all the same. This is a mirage, a film so beautiful that even I could be tricked. Gonna lay flat on my back and stare at the ceiling and imagine myself crying instead, it achieves the same effect in this dead dimension devoid of any sense of self or reality. I have to work tomorrow. I have to work tomorrow. I have to work tomorrow. By the time this feeling wears off, I'll already be dead and back in "their world", so it's all the same. Tomorrow I'm someone else. I am a chameleon, a formless coward who can slave away at the job and bring the money home. It's not for ME! IT'S NOT FOR ME! I don't care about me. It's for everyone else! Everyone ELSE! I am not miserable or happy tomorrow, or the next day, or the next day. Night time brings me back to this place, where I am real, and terrifying. Float tonight, work tomorrow, I'm alive and every day I'm somebody else and I'll never be happy. I've learned to never invest in anything except other people because I know if I follow my heart it'll betray me tomorrow. These feelings never last. I am never the same.

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Just now, EmptyVessel said:

My entire existence. Everything is floating around my head, vivid, blurry, painful and beautiful. I'm scared of everything. So much feeling is rushing through me. It's spilling out of my head all over the carpet. I'm almost through half a month of taking my depression medication, and I suppose my brain is beginning to feel the effects. These feelings cannot be mended by time nor space. I want to cry right now, but I can't. There will never be a better time than this to cry, but it's all the same. This is a mirage, a film so beautiful that even I could be tricked. Gonna lay flat on my back and stare at the ceiling and imagine myself crying instead, it achieves the same effect in this dead dimension devoid of any sense of self or reality. I have to work tomorrow. I have to work tomorrow. I have to work tomorrow. By the time this feeling wears off, I'll already be dead and back in "their world", so it's all the same. Tomorrow I'm someone else. I am a chameleon, a formless coward who can slave away at the job and bring the money home. It's not for ME! IT'S NOT FOR ME! I don't care about me. It's for everyone else! Everyone ELSE! I am not miserable or happy tomorrow, or the next day, or the next day. Night time brings me back to this place, where I am real, and terrifying. Float tonight, work tomorrow, I'm alive and every day I'm somebody else and I'll never be happy. I've learned to never invest in anything except other people because I know if I follow my heart it'll betray me tomorrow. These feelings never last. I am never the same.

:tear2:   :hugs:

 

I am tired of my dreams mocking me. My dreams are absolutely nuts, but always have underlying meanings to them. Recently, I had one where I met my first love. I have had others, one in which I lived in a more decent apartment, and another that had me holding a decent job. I don't ask for much in life, but it's like my dreams are telling me that these are things you will NEVER get. That's all they are - "dreams."

 

- KS

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10 hours ago, KidSurvivor2011 said:

:tear2:   :hugs:

 

I am tired of my dreams mocking me. My dreams are absolutely nuts, but always have underlying meanings to them. Recently, I had one where I met my first love. I have had others, one in which I lived in a more decent apartment, and another that had me holding a decent job. I don't ask for much in life, but it's like my dreams are telling me that these are things you will NEVER get. That's all they are - "dreams."

 

- KS

 

I understand that completely. Life itself mocks me. I'm always in exactly the WRONG spot at the wrong time. Or even the right time. I threw my life away chasing a dream. From my decades of experience, I should have known full well that it wouldn't work. But I deluded myself once again into thinking I could finally have what I've always wanted.

Nope.

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On 2/21/2015 at 4:38 PM, Waffles said:

wish i had somebody to talk to... again...

So do I. I'm here for you, even though I feel dreadful and don't see any way out of the debilitating depression because everything that is depressing me is real life reality. Feeling so hopeless, sad, lonely and alone. 

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1 hour ago, JD4010 said:

I understand that completely. Life itself mocks me. I'm always in exactly the WRONG spot at the wrong time. Or even the right time. I threw my life away chasing a dream. From my decades of experience, I should have known full well that it wouldn't work. But I deluded myself once again into thinking I could finally have what I've always wanted.

Nope.

Sometimes my dreams feel so real, then I wake up and it turned out it was all smoke and mirrors. It's like something is ripping a part of me, from me.

 

- KS

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The fact that I'm the only responsible person in my family, that I get to be the one who's stuck with all the hard parts, that not one member cares about me or the effect they have on me; it's like talking to a wall; come to think of it, I think walls can listen better. 

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On 2/21/2015 at 5:36 PM, gentle sun said:

Been so blah lately. I think this weather has a lot to do with it. Cant decide if my downness comes from chemistry or situational. I think situational leads into the chemistry. I always want to get out the why of it all and the cause so I can fix it but maybe its better to just accept that you feel lousy and wait it out till you feel un-lousy again.

Also trying to figure out whether it's situational or biochemical. I do think they feed off each other. Waiting it out feels like an eternity. In hell on earth.

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On 8/29/2017 at 9:46 PM, gs22 said:

The fact that I'm the only responsible person in my family, that I get to be the one who's stuck with all the hard parts, that not one member cares about me or the effect they have on me; it's like talking to a wall; come to think of it, I think walls can listen better. 

preaching to the choir!  Thought it was just me.

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8 hours ago, CoolCat7 said:

Sorry to hear it.  I'm in the same boat tonight.  I can't sleep and am feeling bleak.

Lack of sleep almost feels worse than the depression.  I got off Xanax because it's not something I want to feel dependent upon.  Downside is with it gone so is the 3 to 5 hours of sleep I could get.  Now, not being on it, I get maybe an hour or two of sleep.  I wonder, how long can a person go like this.  Hope you were able to get any sleep?  I think I slept from 7 am to 9am.   I'm sorry you're feeling bleak.  Do you know what's troubling you?  

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I wonder if anyone really likes the average things we do as people.  I know I don't enjoy any of it.  All the things we are supposed to strive for are let downs at best and at worst they are completely pointless.  All my life I've been told I have to do this and I have to do that.  Once I do those things they are nowhere near as good as promised.  I just wonder if anyone actually likes any of life or are we all just pretending we like it.

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58 minutes ago, Misanthrop said:

Duck, who are these others happy enjoying life? Everyone I know is in some form of a rat race clocking work hours just to survive, because other that air, everything else costs money

Not true.  The majority of people in this world  are happy why else would they be making babies? I see them happy.

They are not suffering.like me and that is a FACT.

Edited by duck
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