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3 hours ago, sober4life said:

I think I am happy at the moment or at least I see the possibility of having a happy life.  You deserve to be happy as well.  I want the best for you in life.  I know how you feel.  In life I get to the point where I wonder if anyone can be trusted.  People have done some horrible things to me in life.  I like this place though.:icon12:

I'm glad you are happier and have hope, goodness knows the scales are long overdue to be tipped in your favour. Thank you for saying that, it means a lot. I hear you, l struggle with trust now, but l'm finally trusting myself more. :icon12:

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Can't sleep. Lost a friend that can't deal with my depression. A friend of 12 years who told me to leave her alone and don't call or text her anymore. I gave her support during her divorce and child custody battles. Often listened to her for hours. Now she has a new gentleman friend, so no room for an old friend with a mental illness that wanted to talk. 

Family members are getting suspicious and asking my wife what's wrong with me. Don't want anyone but my wife to know my problems. Gossip runs rampant in her family and things would only get worse. 

Therapy last week was a bust leaving me in a bad state of mind. 

I miss my mom still, even though it's nearly 29 years since her death. I'm turning 61 next month. That's the age she was when she died. She was a good person and deserved to live longer. Not sure why God is keeping me around longer than she had. Maybe he won't. Sometimes I pray for him to take me. In the end it's His will that matters, but I'm ready. I'm not suicidal anymore and I fear committing a mortal sin. I pray for relief from my physical and mental pain, even if it means God taking me home. My one bright spot is going to see my grandson in September. I'm very much looking forward to that. He'll be nearly six months old by then. It's a trip across the country for just five days. I hope and pray that will change my sadness to joy for a while at least.

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Today will be my last appointment with a doctor I will have in my life.  I will not go to any doctor again for anything after today.  I know what if I get sick.  Well I am sick but I don't care.  I'm to the point of being sick physically and mentally where I say I'm done.  However things end up they end up.

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***Possible Triggers Ahead Re Other-worldly things***

I'm thinking about last year when I tried to organize an in-person meeting between us.  One by one everyone withdrew his or her name from the list.  Of the people interested, some were from Canada, some the East Coast, some from the Plains States and some from the Great Lakes States.  Cincinnati was the city that would have been equidistant for those coming from the north, east and west.  (Our European friends could not commit on such short notice.) 

I had chosen the hotel.  It's something I enjoy doing.  Lone road trips.  Making travel plans.  Etc.  This time, I was so close to the hotel at which we were to stay, I could have taken a trip there to check it out and make sure it was everything the ratings and photos said it was.  But since the trip fell through, I felt no reason to go investigate. 

My mother's cousin lives in Cincinnati, so my sister Joy (who was visiting my parents and me) and I drove there to visit her just a couple of months ago, picked her up and had lunch in the restaurant of her choice, but decided to have desert and coffee at the hotel, where apparently, people go for the atmosphere and the fine food. 

The hotel is located in a village called Mariemont; the hotel, called the Best Western Mariemont Hotel.  Parking was easy (I have parking space consciousness and always get a good space) and we entered the hotel from the street.  I have walked into some haunted spaces and felt goosebumps.  I could feel the spirits present in the the lobby and knew that if one or two were in the lobby, there were surely some in the rooms. 

I've had several experiences with hauntings; dark things; mischievous things and things from other dimensions that, though they were not visible and possibly harmless, I could surely feel.  I know this is true because I believe my intuition; I feel things, and even though they may not be visible, I know they're there the way I know there is blood in my body though I cannot see it.  Knowing that such things exist does not bother me.  But when something evil wants to intimidate me or steal my light, I become afraid, even though I know, as I have learned when lost on unfamiliar roads, that there is always a way back.

Maybe this worked out for the highest good of all.

FYI  -  I think there's a haunted house on my street.  The house has been refurbished and people move in, parking their u-hauls or moving trucks in the road, unload furniture, clothing, boxes, the whole deal.  In the past year, four families/people have moved in and then moved out very shortly afterwards.  The house is vacant at the moment, and I wonder who the next tenant(s) will be and how long they'll stay.

Ever been to Sacramento?  The old, Victorian downtown part?  It's a haunted city if there ever was one.

 

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@RetiredThat is a heavy load you are carrying. I finally "came out" about my deep depression and PTSD to my family. It's an illness so there's no shame in it, even though society tends to see it as a weakness. I was to the point where I didn't care because it was literally ki!!ing me.

I'm 57. I miss the heck out of my parents. My biological dad left in 1998, my mom in 2010, and my stepdad in 2012.

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@JD4010, I think most of us here are carrying a heavy load. I'm sorry for the loss of your parents. Though there are a variety of opinions and beliefs here, I'm glad I found this forum. We're not alone in our pain and sadness. Maybe we help each other one day at a time.

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On 7/23/2017 at 2:29 AM, Teddy545 said:

Making friends with panic, hmm.  I'm sick of having mean friends. I know I have to hang out with panic a lot, it would be nice if we could get along.  I don't think panic is willing or able to get along. 

Poet e.e. Cummings said: To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else - means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.

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56 minutes ago, Retired said:

@JD4010, I think most of us here are carrying a heavy load. I'm sorry for the loss of your parents. Though there are a variety of opinions and beliefs here, I'm glad I found this forum. We're not alone in our pain and sadness. Maybe we help each other one day at a time.

Yep. It's a great place for us to be. And you're right, we all carry some very heavy loads.

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1 hour ago, JD4010 said:

@RetiredThat is a heavy load you are carrying. I finally "came out" about my deep depression and PTSD to my family. It's an illness so there's no shame in it, even though society tends to see it as a weakness. I was to the point where I didn't care because it was literally ki!!ing me.

I'm 57. I miss the heck out of my parents. My biological dad left in 1998, my mom in 2010, and my stepdad in 2012.

Oh, JD, I'm so sorry for your losses.  Loss is the Big Fear in my life.  It comes with loving others.

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2 hours ago, womanofthelight said:

Poet e.e. Cummings said: To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else - means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.

This reminds me of another quote I saw recently (don't know who it's by): "Life is like Tetris, if you fit in, you disappear". 

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Quote

 

Fed up with myself and this pointless existence..hey deja vu. I'm sure I said this before.

What is the ** &**** (the F -WORD, god I hate this censorship) point living? I hate myself and this non-person I am. I can't sleep without medication and even if I do it makes no difference. Been up since 3.30 am. 6.20 now. 

I don't want to get old. I've inherited all the crap genes of my parents so all I can expect is more pain and and most probably alzeimer's. 

I intend to be dead way before that. I don't enjoy anything. I have no interests and I've been stuck being a failure and this pile of crap since I was a teenager. Back then I thought it would change. I was wrong.

Oh and before you say I.m just depressed and it won't be like this all time, I'm not depressed. I AM depression as I have a depressive personality with a sh itload of borderline aside. So yeah..I. AM my thoughts and feelings. What the fu ck are we if we aren't? 

I really should take my bullsh it elsewhere, preferably to the grave asap. I don't belong here. Hell, I don't belong anywhere. I should just **** (k ill goddammit) myself right now.

Edited by samadhiSheol
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I feel the same way you do for the most part.  It's so frustrating.  I've always had the problem with sleep and it continues to get worse and I'm still considered young.  What is it going to be like when I'm in my 70s or 80s?  Will I sleep at all?  I feel like I've been a failure at everything as well.  The song Loser was made for me.  All I do for a living is mow grass and I worry I can't keep up with that.

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@samadhiSheolThere are days when I could have written almost exactly what you did above. I'm 57 now and I still get those thoughts. As luck would have it, I did inherit some sh!tty genes that make cancer inevitable. I've already lost one kidney to it. My remaining kidney has a tumor on it too. Not sure what I'm going to do.

I'm trying to enjoy as much of life as I can. I'm limited by the enormous monthly alimony payments I make to my ex, but there are plenty of free and low cost ways of having fun. I just need to do it, rather than sitting around in the apartment watching the d@mned TV.

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On 2017-07-25 at 8:05 PM, Teddy545 said:

I'm not understanding the connection between panic and being myself. :(  

It looks like I'm to tired to count so I can't play picross.  I'm really bothered by my cigarette addiction.  I would like to go to treatment for it.  It doesn't look like that's possible for me.  I'm not sure how to cut down, I have a hard time keeping track of how much I smoke in the first place. It's like a weird obsession. What a dumb addiction, it's not fun and I don't like it.

I was a smoker for a long time and what helped me was a book called The Easy Way to Stop Smoking by Allen Carr.  It basically encouraged you to smoke as you read the book and by the  end of the book you no longer want to smoke.  It apparently has a really high success rate (not 100% as nothing is) and it really worked wonders for me.

I'm now about 5 years without a cigarette and I haven't ever had the years-later cravings that people talk about when they quit through other means.

The book is called the Easy Way, and for me it really was.  Not only was it easy to stop, but also it was an enjoyable experience with none of the cravings, weight gains, or mood issues that seem to accompany quitting.  I really can't recommend the book enough, it was probably the most important book I ever read.

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On 7/24/2017 at 3:27 AM, Retired said:

Can't sleep. Lost a friend that can't deal with my depression. A friend of 12 years who told me to leave her alone and don't call or text her anymore. I gave her support during her divorce and child custody battles. Often listened to her for hours. Now she has a new gentleman friend, so no room for an old friend with a mental illness that wanted to talk. 

Family members are getting suspicious and asking my wife what's wrong with me. Don't want anyone but my wife to know my problems. Gossip runs rampant in her family and things would only get worse. 

Therapy last week was a bust leaving me in a bad state of mind. 

I miss my mom still, even though it's nearly 29 years since her death. I'm turning 61 next month. That's the age she was when she died. She was a good person and deserved to live longer. Not sure why God is keeping me around longer than she had. Maybe he won't. Sometimes I pray for him to take me. In the end it's His will that matters, but I'm ready. I'm not suicidal anymore and I fear committing a mortal sin. I pray for relief from my physical and mental pain, even if it means God taking me home. My one bright spot is going to see my grandson in September. I'm very much looking forward to that. He'll be nearly six months old by then. It's a trip across the country for just five days. I hope and pray that will change my sadness to joy for a while at least.

I believe you're still here because you're not finished with what your soul came to do, whatever that is.  Be quiet and still.  Close your eyes, shut out the yamma yamma of your mind and go deeply into the darkness behind your eyes.  Listen carefully for The Voice within (as I call it); the God voice; your intuition.  I promise you will get an answer.  You deserve better than having to worry about what others think of you.

Do you know that Sigmund Freud had an obsessive belief that he would die at the age of 64?  He lived 20 years beyond that.  Sometimes, I, too, ask God/The Universe to let me die in my sleep; to take me to the light of the nonphysical world.  It hasn't happened yet, and I know why. 

Thinking of you, so sorry about your mom.  The love we feel for others doesn't go away just because they've left the physical world.  Our energy, our light is eternal, you know.  I hope you enjoy your visit with your grandson.

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On 7/25/2017 at 10:05 PM, Teddy545 said:

I'm not understanding the connection between panic and being myself. :(  

It looks like I'm to tired to count so I can't play picross.  I'm really bothered by my cigarette addiction.  I would like to go to treatment for it.  It doesn't look like that's possible for me.  I'm not sure how to cut down, I have a hard time keeping track of how much I smoke in the first place. It's like a weird obsession. What a dumb addiction, it's not fun and I don't like it.

I think if we were living authentically, being who we really are, doing work that lights us up, we wouldn't have panic, depression and anxiety.

I quit smoking 21 years ago, cold turkey, simply because I could not breathe.  Yet, there are some mornings I wake smelling cigarettes, as though I have smoked in the night.  The desire pops up occasionally; I think that's the hard part of addiction; the memory of it, the attachment to it never goes away completely.

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