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Tungsten Aromatics

What's On Your Mind Right Now?

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I've never been more drunk than this in my whole life.  4 days straight of being completely trashed.  Mom taking off wasn't enough to stop.  She said I have to get out of here.  Yeah I don't blame her.  Get as far away from me as you can.:sniffle1:Run everyone run!

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Thinking how I envy people that are able to sleep at night. I havent had a restful sleep in months and didnt get any sleep last night.  I wish I could slepe. I wish I could stop these existential thoughts and find peace before I diem i also wondet how it must be like to live a life without mental ilness 

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My ear is 80% better. It doesn't hurt anymore and I can mostly hear through it. Also, I haven't thrown up or had a massive migraine in over a day. On top of that, I was up all day yesterday and slept almost all night. All would be perfect if I wasn't in such a crappy mood.

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Thinking that I'm too negative to be here- or maybe just too realistic? Anyway we're all hiding behind fake names because of depression (among other things)  and it's starting to feel pointless to me, like everything else.

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4 hours ago, TopekaK said:

Thinking that I'm too negative to be here- or maybe just too realistic? Anyway we're all hiding behind fake names because of depression (among other things)  and it's starting to feel pointless to me, like everything else.

I feel the same..

The reason I hide behind this moniker is because I'm.afraid someone I know irl will read this and find out about what I'm going through(they never get it anyhow),

I'm paranoid,

and I'm enlightened(samadhi) in the realization I am in hell(Sheol).

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Just now, samadhiSheol said:

I feel the same..

The reason I hide behind this moniker is because I'm.afraid someone I know irl will read this and find out about what I'm going through(they never get it anyhow),

I'm paranoid,

and I'm enlightened(samadhi) in the realization I am in hell(Sheol).

Actually I'm.not really hiding.

samadhiSheol is more real than anything else.

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A ton of stuff is on my mind, so much so that it's all scrambled into a single word; dull. I don't know why, thing's are going ok. I'm talking to at least one person a day, even if I may dislike it. I've got a job and am earning steady money now, even if it's stressful (what job isn't, aside from your dream one.. even still). I'm gradually weening back into my hobby, the one positive I've to my name (to be honest isn't saying much, but regardless), even if it's tough and has me second guessing.

 

I'm trying to be societies form of normal, and am somehow still failing because my mindset -even if I'm cooperating correctly- is so vastly different than the standard.. or least last I've heard.

Edited by Almha

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What's been on my mind lately is how to give myself the latitude to recover from two disruptive major events the past few months.  For one, I struggled to find a new place when the owners decided to sell my old home of seven years...and, frankly, they were pushy about it, not even taking my health issues (HIV, COPD) into account.  The new place at least has a manageable, fenced yard and screened porch.  However, the place is still in chaos with boxes and all.  My neighbor/landlord is also gay and has his own health issues.  We understand each other.

For another, exactly four weeks after the move I had a gall bladder attack and emergency surgery.  I've only been out of the hospital for ten days.  The pain is subsiding, but, particularly with all the chaos, I've felt like I SHOULD be able to knuckle down and get things done.  Never mind I can't really lift, etc.  Thing is, too, friends both with and without medical backgrounds keep telling me to take my time on recovery.  Heck, after my heart attack a few years ago, it was at least a full two months.

For some damned reason I just can't get it through my head that it's ok for me to take time to let myself heal.  Hell, I have what looks like four gun shot wounds in my belly (laparoscopic surgery).

Comments please.

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On 6/7/2017 at 7:45 AM, samadhiSheol said:

I feel the same..

The reason I hide behind this moniker is because I'm.afraid someone I know irl will read this and find out about what I'm going through(they never get it anyhow),

I'm paranoid,

and I'm enlightened(samadhi) in the realization I am in hell(Sheol).

I understand the anonymity,  just wish we didn't have to.  

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I have no goals, passions or aptitudes,neither do I have any interests. . My life is at a complete dead end. I'm constantly angry/empty. I have no true identity. 

I hate myself. I want to die. Now.

Edited by samadhiSheol

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I'm thinking about my anhedonia. Being unable to sustain interest in things could be what led to my current situation, but while I have spoken to therapists about boredom, they cannot guide me to a solution if I'm unable to maintain interest long enough to fix my own issues. The question I'm trying to answer now is why this struggle exists. My current thought is maybe anhedonia can be caused by experiencing boredom for a lengthy period of time. It is unlikely, however, that the average person gets bored often enough to confirm if this is possible. Since boredom is often ridiculed as the fault of whoever is experiencing it, there is probably no solution that a professional can offer me that will undo the anhedonia, especially if maintaining interest is the main issue that caused its development. There is only the question of whether my stubbornness is stronger than my anhedonia and if I can stubbornly persist until I find a solution on my own.

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Thinking about my life and whats cuurently going on.  I'm overwhelmed.  I don't feel like being around anyone right now and people keep contacting me about their life.  I really don't want to hear any of it at this time.  I feel like I'm spinning my wheels and I'm continuously hearing about others progress. 

 

I'm also having a hard time coming out of the darkness and wondering how long it'll be around this time.  It usually goes away but recurrence has been frequent these last few weeks.  Maybe because of so many different things going on like a car accident and money stuff.

 

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Thinking that I need to pick up a few things at the store for Father`s day.I`m also thinking about the fact that I`ve accomplished absolutely nothing all day and I feel bad about that.

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I'm thinking that I kind of want to make an excuse to not go to this brunch thing tomorrow (or really later today since it's not very early Sat morning!). But I can't decide if I don't want to go because I felt kind of overstimulated today and am not feeling up for socializing. Or if it would be giving into my anxiety since the person having the brunch is a former coworker whom I haven't seen in over a year, maybe 2, and I'm not sure if other former coworkers will be there. I'm kind of feeling awkward about seeing any former coworkers because I didn't leave my job in the best way, and never talked to any of them about why I was on medical leave, I just disappeared, so I'm anticipating lots of questions.

I'm also thinking that I'm really hungry and I really want to go make some ramen, but feel weird about doing that at 2:30 in the morning.

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I've been mowing grass for 27 years.  In all of that time they can't make any real improvements with we ed eaters?  It's still the same junk you want to throw over the hill every time you use it.  It's a miracle every time you get it started even if it's brand new and putting the string in it will break even the strongest willed person mentally.

Edited by sober4life

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Thinking about something I read about how talking to oneself out loud helps reduce depression. Wonder if there is any truth in it?  I wish I could find the article again.  There was also something about how "hearing" a human voice, even one's own, that works against feelings of loneliness.  Reminds me of the CBT thing about how writing is therapeutic, how responding to negative self-talking in "writing" is more effective than responding to it in thinking alone. 

HUGS TO EVERYONE!

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Thinking about my mood changes during the day.I`m thinking about how some days it`s so hard to get of bed and face the day.Then some days I feel so empty inside that I think there`s nothing left for me to give.I feel worthless and like I don`t matter.I feel useless.

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19 hours ago, Epictetus said:

Thinking about something I read about how talking to oneself out loud helps reduce depression. Wonder if there is any truth in it?  I wish I could find the article again.  There was also something about how "hearing" a human voice, even one's own, that works against feelings of loneliness.  Reminds me of the CBT thing about how writing is therapeutic, how responding to negative self-talking in "writing" is more effective than responding to it in thinking alone. 

HUGS TO EVERYONE!

The talking to self thing...i have full two sided conversations with myself out loud. If tgat eases my depression i dont want know what full force feels like. :(

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