Jump to content

What's On Your Mind Right Now?


Recommended Posts

6 hours ago, gs22 said:

I forgot to say, my brother's back was turned towards my dad's and he didn't see it coming.

Ugh!  How awful for you, your mother and brother.  I'm so sorry this happened.  We like to think we're shaped by better things, but stuff like this is all too common among families--the place we're supposed to feel safe. 

My best hopes and wishes for your healing.

WOTL

Link to comment
Share on other sites

18 minutes ago, womanofthelight said:

Ugh!  How awful for you, your mother and brother.  I'm so sorry this happened.  We like to think we're shaped by better things, but stuff like this is all too common among families--the place we're supposed to feel safe. 

My best hopes and wishes for your healing.

WOTL

I want to laugh.  It's not your post, it's just that so many other violent acts happened, too, committed by the same person.  I mean that one stands out in my mind, kinda hard for it not to, though it was a long time ago; I was 17 years old at the time.  I won't be writing a memoir of child abuse.  Too painful and not as interesting as those memoirs I've read.  My suffering is nothing to compared to that of others.  I'll just say this as politely as I can:  I was exposed to an unusual amount of stress while growing up and that that's why I have an anxiety disorder. 

Thanks for reading, I really appreciate it.  I'm sorry for people who read my posts.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You have nothing to apologize for.  That's why we're all here: to give and to receive support.  And I did imagine that if something as bad as that happened in your past, there must have been more incidents.  Abusers don't suddenly have epiphanies and stop their abuse.  Some seek help for their addiction to pain and inflicting it upon others; some don't.  Most don't.  And we just have to leave them behind, though we're the ones left with processing what happened.

Again, no apologies necessary. 

Thinking of you --

WOTL

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I can definitely relate to what you have written, Gs.  And I am sorry.

I did not have an ideal relationship with my father, to put it mildly.  After considering the matter for 61 years, I have come to the conclusion that my father suffered a mental illness that profoundly affected his behavior.  I don't say this to offer a cheap excuse for anything he did.  I really think he was ill.    I "suspect" it was depression because of what I have read about how depression sometimes affects males.  I have many memories of my father being stressed a lot, frustrated, quick tempered, taking things out on others including me.  I used to hate him, to be be honest. 

Some psychologists say that the human brain is wired to remember unpleasant events more than pleasant ones.  Don't know if that is true or false.  I do try to extend to my father credit when happy memories occur to me:  when he made an elaborate train set for me for Christmas and things like that.

My view of human nature has changed after 61 years, rightly or wrongly or some combination of those.  I feel that while human beings do have free will, that free will is finite and limited.  I guess I think that free-will can be powerfully impeded by many factors:  genetics, past developmental history, health and illness, stress, contrary wishes in conflict with each other, lack of awareness or at least lack of full awareness of consequences, lack of maturity, lack of insight, temporary powerlessness to change something at a certain time in one's life, compulsions, misinformation, lack of intelligence or wisdom, lack of knowledge or experience needed for insight, lack of the ability to force insight even when it is most needed, inability to deliberate clearly, bias, duress, fatigue and other psychological and social factors. 

The result of this, to my fallible way of thinking is that I am less likely now than I used to be to assume "pure malice" on the part of people, even those who have hurt me.

I think: how would my father have been without his genetics, without his childhood and developmental history, without his fears, without his unasked for frailties, without his compulsions, without his stress, without his incomplete knowledge and insight about things and so on . . . and without his mental illness.  At the very same time, I try to extend that to everyone.  I do not want to judge anyone for any feelings they have for their parent or parents.  I cannot see into people's hearts.  This helps me keep some peace of mind and joy of life in a world fraught with contradictions.  I am the last person on earth who can say to anyone:  "This is how you SHOULD think or feel about your parents."   Who am I after all? Who knows, maybe I am becoming senile.

Edited by Epictetus
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I wish there was something left of me.  What's on my mind now?  Just love.   I want to feel a love like on soap operas.  The love that always works out.  No matter what happens they find their way back to each other.  I want that kind of love in my life more than anything!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 minutes ago, sober4life said:

I wish there was something left of me.  What's on my mind now?  Just love.   I want to feel a love like on soap operas.  The love that always works out.  No matter what happens they find their way back to each other.  I want that kind of love in my life more than anything!

i know what you mean. a couple of months ago i made a similar comment based on a quote from Sleepless n Seattle...i dont want to be in love.  i want to be in love in a romance novel. lol

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My whole life I've been watching soap operas.  I know pathetic but I want a love like the couples that always find their way back together or any love really.  There is someone that loves me.  I need to give her a chance.  I've always liked her.  She always makes me happy.  I can't wait to talk to her.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, Epictetus said:

I can definitely relate to what you have written, Gs.  And I am sorry.

I did not have an ideal relationship with my father, to put it mildly.  After considering the matter for 61 years, I have come to the conclusion that my father suffered a mental illness that profoundly affected his behavior.  I don't say this to offer a cheap excuse for anything he did.  I really think he was ill.    I "suspect" it was depression because of what I have read about how depression sometimes affects males.  I have many memories of my father being stressed a lot, frustrated, quick tempered, taking things out on others including me.  I used to hate him, to be be honest. 

Some psychologists say that the human brain is wired to remember unpleasant events more than pleasant ones.  Don't know if that is true or false.  I do try to extend to my father credit when happy memories occur to me:  when he made an elaborate train set for me for Christmas and things like that.

My view of human nature has changed after 61 years, rightly or wrongly or some combination of those.  I feel that while human beings do have free will, that free will is finite and limited.  I guess I think that free-will can be powerfully impeded by many factors:  genetics, past developmental history, health and illness, stress, contrary wishes in conflict with each other, lack of awareness or at least lack of full awareness of consequences, lack of maturity, lack of insight, temporary powerlessness to change something at a certain time in one's life, compulsions, misinformation, lack of intelligence or wisdom, lack of knowledge or experience needed for insight, lack of the ability to force insight even when it is most needed, inability to deliberate clearly, bias, duress, fatigue and other psychological and social factors. 

The result of this, to my fallible way of thinking is that I am less likely now than I used to be to assume "pure malice" on the part of people, even those who have hurt me.

I think: how would my father have been without his genetics, without his childhood and developmental history, without his fears, without his unasked for frailties, without his compulsions, without his stress, without his incomplete knowledge and insight about things and so on . . . and without his mental illness.  At the very same time, I try to extend that to everyone.  I do not want to judge anyone for any feelings they have for their parent or parents.  I cannot see into people's hearts.  This helps me keep some peace of mind and joy of life in a world fraught with contradictions.  I am the last person on earth who can say to anyone:  "This is how you SHOULD think or feel about your parents."   Who am I after all? Who knows, maybe I am becoming senile.

Everything you wrote makes perfect sense to me.  Here's the interesting part.  It's precisely because I recall very good memories--and there were many--that I still love him very much and worry about him a lot.  I don't want to hurt him and I know very well that he won't live forever despite the effective treatments he's undergone and all the pills that are keeping him alive (he is suffering from multiple diseases including another primary cancer after having no recurrence of the first one).  This is why I can't cut him off, and don't want to, not deep in my heart. 

He most certainly has depression, which he has had all his life; in his case, it takes the shape of uncontrolled and violent angry outbursts.  He's a textbook case.  He's never sought treatment. 

I also know that he loves me.  I've had no doubt about this.  He's always worried I'll get hurt.  I mention a tiny cut and you should see the look on his face or the sound of his voice. 

Epictectus, what's triggering this venting and focus on the negative is that he recently treated me like a piece of garbage without any regard, that I could detect, for my wishes.  I stood up for myself and felt guilty.  I have rarely done that in my life, precisely because it makes me feel guilty and it's just not worth it.  It just rattles me no end.  I don't have the makeup for it. 

I've always wondered what kind of a person he would have been had he been blessed with healthier brain chemistry.  Yet, as I've said, he's also been a good father at times.  He was always proud of my academic accomplishments in university, for example, and we share a love of literature and other cultural interests.  It hasn't always been bad.  But I need to let this side out or I will implode.  I have journalled many a day about my ambivalence towards my dad.

You are wise, you have stated things eloquently and with insight, as you always do.  You're a special person and I really appreciate the fact that you took time out of your life to offer words of support.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The memories of someone I use to love, but I can't love anymore. They use to be sweet memories but now they have turned sour to the mind I want them gone I want them to leave me alone. I can't forget them they just keep coming back and taking my sanity more and more. They are one of driving forces for ending it just to make them stop and go away.

You asked.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

10 hours ago, zdude954 said:

The memories of someone I use to love, but I can't love anymore. They use to be sweet memories but now they have turned sour to the mind I want them gone I want them to leave me alone. I can't forget them they just keep coming back and taking my sanity more and more. They are one of driving forces for ending it just to make them stop and go away.

You asked.

I wish we could control our feelings, or at least understand why they pop up like jacks-in-the-box.  I, too, am having memories of someone I used to love.  Someone who said to me long ago, "It's a shame we had to meet at this juncture of our lives . . . "  or some such s.h.i.t., because he had a life plan that didn't include me.  When we were "together," he would never call me his girlfriend, used me as his booty call and then a couple of years later when we'd graduated and decided to meet for dinner, said he felt he was just "one of many" lovers I might have had at the time we were "seeing" each other.  (?????????  As in seeing naked?  I guess so . . . )  Anyway, it's hard to let a soul go when you know you're connected, know that you've loved him and couldn't have him but I did it, and I moved on -- so WHY is this coming back at me now???????  I actually fell for one of the lures online and typed in his name (for free, mind you.  I would not pay for the privilege of giving myself more pain) into a search box and there he was.   First on the list. 

Why didn't he want me?  Why didn't he want to share a life with me?  And now I'm JEALOUS because it seems (like I really know, right?) as though he is living the life he wanted: married, children, living well. 

Why am I torturing myself this way?  He's one of two men who -- if there is such a thing as reincarnation -- I know I'll see again, in another life.  But it hurts so badly right now.  I compare my life to others', come up short, and it sucks.  I wish I could flip a switch in my brain that would erase all memory of him.  (Note to self: invent brain switch.)

Get me outta here.  I'll be in a Home . . .

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Quote

 

Right now I'm at my lowest point so how do I feel?  The only thing that keeps me going is love.  Love is amazing!  You can be in the gutter but love will bring you back.  It always will.  In life we are always fighting in a war trying to survive.  The ones we love are powerful enough to get our attention.  When we are fighting the war they are strong enough to get our attention.  It's like on lord of the rings with the eye.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

How do I feel right now? Well it's saturday at 9:30pm and I am feeling sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. Of course i've also been staying up until about 2am and that doesn't help. Today I had a few boyhood flashbacks that almost brought me to have panic attacks, I am still very anxious right now. I also feel stagnant and a lot hopeless because every day is total repeat of every day. Doing nothing and not having anything to look forward to is really, really getting to me, I almost feel kinda crazy in my head...Thats how I feel right now...  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Music is beautiful. I need music. Music is so unbelievably important to me. 

"I don't love myself

Buy you keep loving me,

I am not the man,

that I want to be."

"I don't love myself,

but you keep holding me,

I can not be yours,

and live comfortably."

A Year in Space - Khary

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Same here.  I wish I'd kept up with the clarinet.  I also used to write lyrics & poetry.  Now I just use photoshop to attempt to create art.  I'm working on a portrait of King Arthur.  After that, I'll work on the dragon.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have a million things on my mind, certain people, especially.  But I find it inappropriate that I should be dwelling on a parent so much.  How many times have I ruminated over his abuse?  It's draining.  It's soul-sapping.  It's just plain wrong.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
×
×
  • Create New...