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What's On Your Mind Right Now?


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I just thought of an old lover I had not thought about in a while. I was so...addicted to him. He could do anything to me. He had a wife, and another girlfriend who all came before me. And I accepted that as if it was natural. To be so in love and to be so unhealthy...I was so obsessed with him.

And when he called my house or the lab where I had my work study job, he put on a different voice so no one answering the phone would recognize his. And he would give a phony name. And if we crossed paths on campus, he would pretend he didn't know me if there were any people around.

I wonder if he's still alive, now. I found out that he was recently married to his his 3rd wife, and had a daughter. And now I have a touch of vertigo, as if the past wants to pull me back into itself. He is or was 33 years older than me. He would be quite old now.

Okay. I am going to stop this.

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"Should I have kept the cat inside?"
"She's fine"
"What if she isn't"
"She's probably out hunting"
"She's probably dead in a ditch"

"Lots of cars out there.. And people"

"If someone's done something to her I will hunt them down"

 

Ugh.

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SenorDomino - so sorry to learn about your cat.  Sincerely hoping things work out for the best and she shows up on your doorstep unscathed. 

 

 

While doing my job...I'm on lunch break right now...

 

My next therapy session where I share with her the six pages of Failures vs 1 page of Positives I've come up with (on my own because I was so depressed yesterday), discussing with her my ultimate goals of peace and balance and hopefully a career change into something I'm passionate about, and how the hell she's going to help me get there.  

Edited by PessimOptimist
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I have an appointment today with a new doctor in the same practice as my newly retired doctor.... feeling pretty anxious over that.  i know she has access to my medical files but she doesn't know me and my issues.....I've spent most of my time in there in some kind of emotional state and this new doctor might not understand that....so I'm anxious

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why do I always drive people away

 

I know this feel.

 

Then I remember that it's because depression makes me want to be left alone in peace, because I distrust people as I've had bad luck with them and because I have no social skills whatsoever.

 

Ack.

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why do I always drive people away

I know this feel.

Then I remember that it's because depression makes me want to be left alone in peace, because I distrust people as I've had bad luck with them and because I have no social skills whatsoever.

Ack.

((Hugs))

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I really want to take a vacation.. I was at my grandfathers birthday party today and everyone was talking about their vacations, some went to really amazing places like South Africa or Greece. I felt like my summer is so boring because I can't even afford a simple vacation, leave alone to such amazing places.

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