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Tungsten Aromatics

Severe Depressive Episode With Psychotic Symptoms

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Hi All -- As you all know (some may not) I've been Dx'd with severe depressive episodes with psychotic symptoms, sectioned and hospitalised. That was late '12 early '13.

I have since made a very good recovery and have matured and seen a few other sides to my illness.

I’ve recently been back to my home town after moving to Oxford and had a good time with my Dad for my 25th (last friday was my birthday J).

Interesting the voices have followed me back to Oxford. (And now they “Know.”)

This time it was the females rather than the males. Although I have been on the phone to my mum and still have my ear infection and a cold. I’m nostalgic about it this time. Although the voices say that being born in Oxford can’t “help” (help what I don’t know) I made sure I was “seen” at my former surgery (didn't go in as it was shut otherwise I would have and spoken to this GP personally) and have challenged both my illness (myself) and everyone involved (I saw a few cars on the road that could represent “known” cars to me). But weren't actually the cars of people I knew.

I can now define the voices further: The male voices are “Right” and the female voices are “Left.” (Think about your right and left arms for example.) Right don’t think I’m depressed and feel I’m a fraud (never was depressed and a waste of time) which is what I feel my former GP thought of me as a patient (before I left his practice, which again I don’t know if he really felt this or not as I’ve not spoken to him about it) where “Left” feel I am depressed and always was (I.e. my previous Dx.) So this could further be defined as a fight between Doctors without regard for the middle man (Me) who is the former patient. Although when I was in hospital I spoke to my former psychiatrist and he said I’m no longer his patient which is fair enough as I’m no longer a patient of of my former GP. Makes sense. So why can’t I do what I want around Grove without the hassle of anxiety and the risk of my voices coming back again?

My dad and I went down “that road” (the road that the surgery is on) and I went round it to buy a few things and catch the bus. Ideally I should have gone straight down that road anyway but actually didn’t think about it. Will be doing that more often now.

If something “happens” I.e. Voices and hallucinations than either this is real due to being “seen” at Grove (I.e. my former GP is the cause of this) or this is false and I’m more ill then I realise and the centre of Grove is something that can cause my illness to become more than it otherwise should be. This then poses a question. Should I not go back to Grove for the sake of myself OR should I move on?

I generally don’t play this game (and that’s what it is to me, a game) rather than this GP actually out to get me (and this I have yet to really get to grips with and define) What do I mean by “Out to get me?”

I might as well have fun with messing with my voices as they aren't “real” I.e. I’m not hiding from people’s perception due to a fake claim that I was depressed and worth meds. So why should I take silly actions like getting off at the second bus stop in Grove due to what happened in the past? – If possible I would like to investigate this GP thing by actually speaking with him personally.

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Hi tungsten.

Your conflict between your left and right sounds a little like the conflict I have internally between myself and myself even though for me it isnt voices as such and is internal "voices". I thought it would literally tear me apart at one point.

I don't know much about psychotic symptoms but have heard it is very possible to learn to live alongside them without listening to them and that sounds a little like what you are trying to do. I watched a ted talk once that was discussing this issue.

I have had brief psychotic symptoms when I was severely depressed but thankfully they were pretty fleeting.

Obvious question of course but I assume you are still being treated? Have you told your pdoc and t where you are presently at with all this stuff?

Well done for waging the war fighting for your wellbeing and happiness.

Edited by Fizzle

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Hi Tungsten,

I am also hoping for you for the best possible outcome! ! ! When I was in a psychiatric hospital for severe depression, there was a double standard in the way patients with psychotic symptoms were treated. They were not treated well in my opinion and I absolutely hated it. Hopefully since you live in a more enlightened country things are not like that. My heart goes out to you and I think you are so heroic. You have such a brilliant mind and have helped so many people here on the DF!!! Take care!

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tungsten,

Happy extremely belated birthday. Glad you had a good time with your dad. Hope you get good results with the review. I'm not sure what a CPN is, hope you've been able to find another psychiatrist/counselor/therapist you can work with. I think talking to your previous GP is a good idea. How are you doing with moving back to your hometown? Has that been pretty much a positive for you so far? I hope so. Sometimes going back can be awkward. Hallucinations sound very tough to deal with, is this a recent development over the last couple of years? Peaceful thoughts to you, tungsten. You deserve them, definitely. ((hugs))

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Just an update.

 

After experimenting with my meds and having to unintentionally detox, my voices are back.

 

So I’m getting the usual “You’re on†and “that means go†ect.

 

Ordered some food from Asda and of course they wear green so naturally that means go to simpletons who are uneducated and are beasts of the lower form of humanity.

 

So now I guess I am “Right†rather than “Left.â€

 

Interesting.

 

Their still playing this game even though it’s the city. I guess old habits die hard for incomplete forms of humans. I'm starting to hallucinate again. Nothing visual but sensory. Textual in the hands and smelling smells I've not smelt since my last major relapse.  

 

I'm back on meds now after having picked up a script over the weekend but still. Interesting.

Edited by Tungsten Aromatics

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Hi Tungsten,

 

Did your pdoc take you off your meds before? Its good you are back on them. Are you able to ignore the thoughts and voices and realise they arent true? Its good you realise the hallucinations are hallucinations. 

 

When is your next appointment? 

 

Take care. I hope you feel better soon. 

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I'm sorry Tungsten,

 

I really don't have any knowledge of what you're experiencing but I wanted to let you know that I read your post and am sending you positive thoughts your way.

 

I hope this passes quickly for you.

 

(((Hugs)))

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Thanks all for your support.

 

I'm back on my daily meds now and from my meetings today, I should try to make light and converse meaning in my voices. How I perceive them should be figured out and changed into more positive meanings as they are negative and controlling in nature.

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Sorry to hear about your ongoing struggle with the voices, TA. I am glad to hear that you and your pdoc/GP are tackling the problem so vigorously!

Best of luck to you :)

Peace,

Tim

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So my voices are now laughing at me. Left say "You've lost" and "Good Luck" "Right" say "I always knew."

 

At least them laughing at me is new and I'm actually ok with that. Had too many physical people laugh at me before now to be even then slightest bit concerned about it.

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Your resilience amazes me. I'm sorry you've experienced people laughing at you... it's just a hateful thing.

 

Sending lots of positive thoughts your way, Tungsten.

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I've identified it's the female voices that trigger me so I'm experimenting at the moment. If I make myself "look" stupid (not by physically doing stupid things) then the female voices will disappear but I don't really feel that would be the case. Just trying to find new ways of dealing/coping with them.  

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Know all to well what the voices can do, as long as they are not "command"  I go along with them the best I can.  Good thing for antipsychotics. 

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Hi Tungsten, 

 

I wish I had more understanding and could help more but I am really glad you are back on the meds and getting some help with it. I keep meaning to watch Eleanor Longden's Ted talk but haven't managed to get around to it. Not sure what you think of her. 

 

In some sense I relate a little to what you describe as although I don't have those types of voices I fight with myself (internal voices) at times when things get bad to the extent that it is a war and one I cant win. 

 

I hope you find some way of getting them onside or living with them peacefully 

Edited by Fizzle

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Though, it's a little different then before, with TU100 EMA I had a major relapse, we're trying to understand one another though they need to know how to interact with me. I'm trying to turn things into a positive recently so things they say aren't as controlling and negative as they once were.

 

I've identified that, there's two decisive voices that make decisions based on what I do or say and the rest follow. There is one however, that can see reason and another who just watches me and "reports" to the rest.

 

I have tried to befriend them last year while doing the EMA for TU100 but one said no as did the rest. At the moment, they are enemies and a hindrance to my life which I'm trying using CBT to rethink and change my behaviour and thinking pattern of. I am however, thankful to them as I wouldn't be in this situation physically, ie. housing so I do pay respect to that.

 

I wander if I could teach them? -- Maybe we could be friends after all?

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I'm just curious, but can you actually open a dialogue with one of the "leaders?" Set aside a specific time for what's basically a "meeting"?

 

You're quite right when you say that you're a physical entity and they are not and you have a right to assert some control, but I'm wondering if you could essentially negotiate -- so an hour of your time just to interact, with no specific demands at first other than to do just that? Approach it as you would any negotiation with an unwanted but unavoidable influence...

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I have heard this actually from Gavin, some people manage to do that with their voices but sadly, I doubt that I could. It's so chaotic at the moment that's actually hard to form a coherent conversation with them. Either the leaders or minions themselves. They are too focused about who "I'm With" either "left" or "right" that there is no time to converse with them.

 

I wouldn't mind having a good conversation with them, but, I don't feel they would be up for that at this time.

 

Any suggestions about how I could go about this?

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Maybe don't even try to have a "conversation" then. Perhaps just set aside however long a time you feel comfortable with, having defined it clearly beforehand, where you listen -- maybe even write down or record some of the things being said as without passing judgement on them or taking them to heart (which is why I stress "however long a time you feel comfortable with"). Recording the things said (as best as you can if everyone's talking over themselves) in some way is just a physical reminder to them that you're listening. State (even if they take notice of you) that you're not agreeing with them, or giving them power to influence you, you're simply listening for that time. If you can then distinguish it physically somehow -- maybe go out and run madly up and down the street afterwards or do something that asserts that (even though they're unlikely to stop) that's the end of your allotted time.

 

Perhaps just start with that?

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