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hi to everyone on the forum i don't normally join things like this but i feel its time to get someo utside help from others with depression etc

heres my story : i was diagnosed with severe depression about 6 months ago altho i know ive had it for a lot longer (years not months) i didnt want to go to the doctor, but it got to the point where i couldnt do much and felt like my head was going to explode etc

anyway i was put on cilopatram which has been increased to 30mg.i changed my diet to healthy fruit etc, ive even taken a herb called kratom which is ok but not great, tried st johns wort, lots of water, even had a bit of a problem with coedine as ive tried everything to get out of this.

i feel like im all out of options, ive got a good home life, not a very stressful job, a beautiful little boy,

i just hate feeling like this and dont feel any point to my life and get hardly no joy out of anything anymore, im tired all the time, its an effort to do anything, even take my son out over the park its a huge deal. it doesnt just effect me it effects everyone around me too,

i have an odd day where i feel better but its like when i do i pay for it with about 3-4 miserable bad days.

i dont want to feel like ive won the lottery everyday i just want to be normal. does this ever go once and for all?

i dont know what to do, i feel like i have no life, and im about 90 just waiting until im not here anymore so can be happy again

even if someone said to me heres a £3000 holiday for free, id make an excuse to get out of it etc.

any suggestions on what i can do, heres what ive tried so far and am out of ideas














ive literally tried it all, any help advise from anyone would be great

thanks for your time

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Just out of curiosity, (and please don't take this the wrong way)...

(and I only ask this because it happens to by MY personal experience...)

Do you drink much?

Also, when did you go to the doctor, and how long have you been on the meds??

Lastly, when you went to the doctor, do you feel that you were completely honest & exhaustive in terms of being complete with everything that's going on with you? At least as complete & honest as you were capable of being...

Let me know, and I may have some additional suggestions.


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Hi Stevewilliam,

Welcome to DF. I am fairly new here myself...but have found this forum a place that has been helpful for me to give and receive support.

You are not alone in your feelings...I was almost where you at about a month ago. Even bathing or getting out of bed was very difficult. I too was having very dark thoughts...and looked forward to the day when I didn't have to feel them anymore. I knew I needed help and joined this forum and sought out a doctor and a therapist. I was put on Wellbutrin 300mg and Lexapro 10 mg. I have also been seeing a therapist for about a month now and have found it helpful. Do you notice that the weather impacts your depression? Have you had your Vitamin D levels and your hormone levels checked? With my meds, therapy and this forum...I have noticed a change in the better of how I'm feeling. Don't give up hope...there's light at the end of the tunnel....oh, what I would give to hear a few minutes of your son's laughter. I watch videos on youtube of babies laughing.

I live on 5 acres in the middle of nowhere...and have very limited social contact. That isolation has made my depression even worse. I make it a point to drive into town once a week. I force myself to see a friend once a week, even if it's just for coffee and the social interaction.

I'm glad you found DF. I hope it brings you the support you're looking for.

Take gentle care,


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hi to everyone on the forum...

Hi. :0)

Did you mean they put you on Escitalopram?

How long were you actually on it for? Was that the only antidepressant you tried?

Did you tell your doctor that it wasn't working? Often it can take trying two or three different antidepressants before you can find one that works for you.

What did you doctor advise?

Edited by Huge
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The last thing you are is a joke. Secondly you have a medical condition that is not easy to just shake off or overcome. For some it is just a chemical imbalance in the brain but for others there is a need to do some cognitive work on how we view ourselves and our lives. It sounds a bit like you might fall into the category of self blame. Learning to be mindful of your inner dialogue will help you to break any toxic thinking patterns but sometimes the help of a therapist may help you uncover thinking patterns that undermine your well being. If you are not comfortable with therapy then search for some books and even just do some research online about depression to learn ways you can try and understand yourself and your illness better. I actually journal a lot, even the dark stuff to help me see clearly what I was thinking. I kind of scribble so no one can really make out what I wrote if they tried to read my journals. So finding a way to try and see where your thoughts are undermining our happiness may help you start to turn things around. I would also suggest that you connect with your gp about your bladder control issues. It could be a problem with a med you are taking or it could be an actual medical issues. Best to let a doctor sort that out for you. And finally just come here to talk it out has helped me greatly. To know you are not alone is great comfort so feel free to express yourself. The people here are really very supportive and kind. I hope that you are able to turn a corner with your depression soon. Stay strong and welcome to the boards.

Edited by Michelle38
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hi everyone thanks for the comments so far, just to answer a few things people have commented on, i dont drink any alcohol and havent for over a year, i find even one alcohol makes me feel worse, and i use to love a drink when i was younger. i avoid drinking at all costs, and as i dont have a social life / g out anymore its not hard anyway to be honest.

just checked its citalopram 30mg, i did go back to my gp and she increased from 20-30mg ive been on them for 6 months

also the doc said its normal but i often gets dark thoughts of death all the time, m***** / blood / terrible things

also yes the weather doesnt help, i love the sunshine and again if i can be bothered i go on a sunbed once a week because i read into vit d and how important it is etc, i do take some walks etc, but going anywhere is a big build up like im running a marathon, even making a phone call i should make say monday it doesnt get done till the following week etc

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All my life, before I became severely depressed. I realize I had some form of depression all my life but denied it but couldn't anymore when I became severely depressed but even when in a happy phase I can get random urges to suicide for no reason just out of the blue. But now that I have become severely depressed I actually find myself kind of jealous of hearing about other people's deaths. I want it to be me. Now that I am getting to the root of my depression that is shifting a bit but thoughts of death are pretty common with depression.

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Welcome to DF and thank you for your brave post. I have not been a member here very long, but I hope that you will find, as I have,DF to be informative and supportive.

The list of the non-prescription things that you have done for your depression is quite impressive! Keep on fighting. You are not alone in your fight.

For what it is worth, I've been to many psychiatrists and one PCP for antidepressants in my 20+ years of fighting depression, and only one psychiatrist, decades ago, failed to change and/or add to my medication when I had symptoms such as yours. There are many different medications for depression (I've tried most of them alone and/or in combination with other psych meds) and some made my depression worse and actually caused me to have suicidal ideation., but some did not. Some really helped and quickly. One caused me to urinate much more frequently the first few days I took it.

I strongly encourage you to seek additional professional advice about your multiple symptoms (and to be very detailed about your symptoms with your care provider), from the same or a different care provider, as you see fit. There is a huge range, from one doctor to the next, on how closely they work with their patients to get the right medication and/or combination of medications. In my experience, one does not have to go so long with no improvement in symptoms and no med changes and I am sorry that this has happened to you. While there have been many times when my symptoms did not improve right away and even got worse, I never had six months with no improvement and no med changes. There is a lot of info in DF and other places on the web regarding antidepressants that you might find helpful.

I hope that this helps, even if just a little. Please keep us informed of how you are doing.

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If you've been on your medication for 6 months and still are not feeling any relief, it may be time to try a different medication. I personally had to try about 5 before I found one that worked for me. It's a super frustrating process to keep switching meds, I know, which is why I am off them for now. But if something isn't working after a few months there is no point in continuing to take it. Have you tried therapy along with medication?

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also the doc said its normal but i often gets dark thoughts of death all the time, m***** / blood / terrible things

Have you clarified with your doctor that the thoughts are related to general treatment for depression, or if it might be because of the particular antidepressant you're taking?

I'm generally not affected by nightmares. I have them but they don't scare me. I can't remember the last one I had that actually scared me, probably not since I was a child (I'm lucky that way because I get bad nightmares when I get my bouts of major depression)...that is, apart from the time I spent on citalopram. I had bad side-effects like zapping and perceptual time-delays when I moved, and absolutely terrifying nightmares that made me scared to sleep. I woke from one particularly bad one to find myself reaching for the phone to call someone to have them come round to keep me from falling asleep.

I told my doctor and he changed my medication immediately and I've been fine ever since.

But those were dreams, not waking dreams or intrusive thoughts (what you're describing sounds a little different), so it could be different, but if it's potentially going to threaten your continuing to engage with the treatments then I'd definitely advise that it's something that needs to be discussed with your doctor.

I'm not sure what your situation is and I'd imagine that your doctor would know best but rather than give up on the treatment entirely I'd strongly suggest switching to a different medication as you might find that all of that stuff goes away and that you actually start seeing positive results.

Like 60's...girl said, she had to try five before she found one that worked for her.

Edited by Huge
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