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Dontgetit

Don't Know What To Do

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I don't even know where to begin this. It might kind of ramble and I apologize for that but I can't really think clearly lately.

I have been in a serious committed relationship for almost 4 years now. I have dealt with depression my entire life, on and off meds and in and out of therapy. I also deal with anxiety and stress.

A few months ago I was injured on the job and have been on workers comp since, pretty much stuck at home. I also over the last two years for a variety of reasons lost my latest social circle except for a friend or two and have grown very apart from my family. Over the past couple of months my fiancee and I started growing apart. It is my fault mostly, I haven't handled my injury well and was pretty shut down. At the same time she was going through a lot of stuff at work that messed her up pretty bad. I knew this and tried to be there for her but there didn't seem like much I could do as when I tried talking to her about it it would just upset her. I talked about her maybe looking for something else or something, it just seemed to irritate her. Last week we got into an argument about her putting a tongue ring back in which kind of blew up and leads to where we are now.

She has completely withdrawn from me. She doesn't want to talk to me or even be in the same room as me. She says this has happened before where she pushes everyone in her personal life away and just shuts down everything real except for things to distract her. The distraction in this case is hanging out with a group of people for 10-12 hours 2 times a month and randomly going out to coffee houses or what have you. She is always in a good mood for a few minutes when she comes home from these. Talking briefly about something funny that happened or whatever but within 10 or 20 minutes of getting home she just shut downs again.

I have a lot of trust issues (which I didn't even know about till this started) and this is very hard to deal with. Especially because when I get depressed I find her presence comforting, soothing. I have never been at more peace with the world than when I am with her. And she doesn't even want me in the same room.

God I am such a wreck. Things have changed with us, we haven't been intimate sense the begging of December, I mean anything, not even normal out in public couple intimacy. I have never felt this alone.

She says she still loves me and wants to get married and has said she is willing to do counseling but only after she is past this shutdown thing she is going through. I am trying to trust that and know that but I can't. For a moment I will find strength in that and trust it but just a quick it is gone again and I find myself more alone and scared than I have been in my entire life. When we started dating we talked about how we were fine with each other going through the others text/email/whatever as we didn't have anything to hide and that was fine. As far as I know neither of us actually ever did until last Saturday night when she got home late from one of her outings. She went to bed and I looked through some of her texts and found two from a guy, one of them saying he enjoyed the cuddling and asked if it was okay to which she replied yes with a smiley, the second was him asking if it was an acceptable and attractive offer to come over to his place, again she replied yes with a smiley.

I kind of lost any rationality or sense of sanity I had at that point. I asked her about it and she got mad at me for going through her phone. She said the cuddling was just him putting her arm around her and he invites everyone to his place and she wasn't going to do it.

I know I need therapy and maybe to get back on something (though the last few times I tried meds they didn't work at all) but as it turns out when I went on workers comp I became responsible for paying for my benefits from my company and didn't realize that. So I don't have insurance until I go back to work (hopefully in a month). Every day I feel use growing further and further apart. I am so afraid we aren't going to survive this. I mean how can we? When you are in a commited relationship with someone you are supposed to be there for them to lean on and they are supposed to be there for you to lean on. You aren't supposed to push the other away.

I actually called an old friend the other day and talked to him. He offered to let me come up and stay the weekend (he lives in another state). I asked her what she thought of it and she said if it would help she wanted me to do it. I don't understand how we are both going through the hardest part of our relationship to this point she wants me to go to Utah.

I am losing my mind,

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Relationships are so hard, and when one or both are struggling with depression issues it is even harder. I don't have advice except do what you think will be best for you. If going to your friends and getting away sounds like fun, go. The most important thing is to keep yourself healthy. I sound mean but I don't intend to. It is hard to think the one we are with might not be there forever and in love but I think even if that is what happens if we are safe and secure in ourselves is what is most important. This is coming out all messed up, sorry. Just don't stay in something that is unhealthy.

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Jalee I totally get what you are saying but as things are it is more complicated for a lot of reasons. I am not a mentally healthy person, I never have been. It was probably wrong to get into a relationship at all given my lifelong state of mind but I love her. When we decided to get engaged I thought a long time about it.

As it turns out I have zero self worth. I want to be clear there though, it isn't a "i'm worthless and no one can love me" thing. My lack of self worth comes from a lifetime (till her anyway) of evidence. She is the only person who has ever accepted me, loved me, been attracted to me, saw any worth in me.

I was 26 when we started dating and she was my first everything. It wasn't for a lack of trying either. I have my entire life at best been like a "brother" and at worst just laughed at (though at least then it was over pretty fast). It even bleeds over into my family. Whole story aside I have been conditioned from a young age to have no worth or self esteem. I have tried very hard over the last 4 years to correct that. To take the fact I had gotten this completely amazing person to love me as a evidence that I did in fact have worth. It doesn't work though, I have never been able to shake the feeling that she is just with me because of a long line of losers in her life and I was there and safe and she new I would never hurt her. Ironically I did but it wasn't intentional or even something I was aware of at the time.

Lauryn, I get what you are saying. One of the reasons I am so messed up about everything is she has done this before. When she was younger she shut down completely for about 8 months and wouldn't have anything to do with her parents at all. That she talks to me at all I am taking as a sign that she really is just in a dark place and doesn't know how to let me be there for her or can't or won't.

It would be one thing even if she told me she wasn't sure how she felt about me or if she wanted to be with me. I think I could find the courage to let her go. But that isn't what happened. I have to be here for her, I have to show her that I love her and she matters more to me than anything else in the world.

This pit just keeps getting deeper and darker though.

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Been away a while. The story had about the worst ending it could have. I moved out to give her some space she said she needed. She said it was okay for me to come over when she wasn't there to shower and do laundry. The first Monday I was away I came home to do laundry and found her ex hiding in our sons closet. I have been is a state of pseudo shock for months, feels like years though.

The person I love and trusted more than anyone in my life took everything from me. so here I am a few months later, finally back to work and in a new place. I am so tired though, beyond exhausted.

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I am so sorry and my heart goes out to you. You sound like a wonderful person and you deserve better. Please know you are not defined by how others have treated you.

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Thanks for the kind words.  I am really lost, and angry.  God the anger is probably the worst part.  My mom stepped up in a big way and lent me one of her vehicles, we never got my name put on my ex's car (mine was ruined about a year into the relationship) so had she not lent me the truck I would be way worse off.  The last time I was at my ex's place to get the rest of my stuff her new boyfriend was there cooking dinner like they had lived together for years (same dude I found in the closet).  So I am outside tying down a chair and just started punching the truck, over and over.  Not sure exactly how long I did it for but I put a few big dents into it.  Fortunately my mom was fairly understanding about everything.

 

That might not be true though, the fear might be worse than the anger.  For a long time I was convinced I was going to be alone for the entirety of my life, that I would die alone.  I am kind of back to that point now.  Except it is four years later and I have even less going on than I did when we started dating.  

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