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Is It Worth It To Waste Away?


djmixer36

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Before reading any further let me say this: all of this is hypothetical and I'd like for all who enter to leave with no less hope than they came in with as I know this might be too depressing to even think of.

I always hear people (not just on here) saying these specific four words, "things will get better". I'm not denying that emotions have the capability to crescendo and then subside back to normal, but the only problem I have with this thinking is that the person giving that phrase as support is assuming exactly what they are saying: that things will get better. Now this is the case for a lot of people I feel, but then there are also people who have been depressed their whole life and will more than likely die depressed when that time comes naturally or otherwise; I do strongly believe I'm in that second group. There's not enough space or time to write down all the things I've tried (mainstream & taboo) to alleviate myself of this because no one really wants to die and the urge to live is actually so strong that it depresses me even more that nothing can sustain that feeling in me for longer than a few misguided seconds.

So my question is (hypothetically): if you knew you & your life weren't going to get any better, what would you do?

I'd like to make that a little more specific such as "what would your goals be?", "how would you behave?", yadayada, but I feel like that would stifle too many possible answers. Also, we all know what the first answer would probably be for most people, but lets just assume you've decided through fear or some other reason to not suicide and just put up with the pain.

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You have a good point most people who say it will get better do believe it. Either because of helpfulness, or because it has happened to them.

You have another good point about the urge to live being strong. It is. And yes I know that very personally.

Quite honestly, if in ones my life wouldn't get any better I would leave my husband and live with my parents. He would have to handle the four children. In say this because behave been suicidal, and so depressed showering was hard. I have worn the same close for a week at a time. They would end up, eventually feeling enormously full of pitty for me, and even depressed etc. But, I would choose to live. I would still make attempts every now and again to try therapy, a new drug, 5htp eye movement therapy, acupuncture, meditation, reiki, exercise, mindfulness, everything under the sun. I would keep trying because I don't like depression or feeling suicidal. Yes, there would be times of being unable to move, or eat, or living on the couch or in bed. But give up. Probably now. The will to live, or fear of destroying my children might be too great

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You have a good point most people who say it will get better do believe it. Either because of helpfulness, or because it has happened to them.

You have another good point about the urge to live being strong. It is. And yes I know that very personally.

Quite honestly, if in ones my life wouldn't get any better I would leave my husband and live with my parents. He would have to handle the four children. In say this because behave been suicidal, and so depressed showering was hard. I have worn the same close for a week at a time. They would end up, eventually feeling enormously full of pitty for me, and even depressed etc. But, I would choose to live. I would still make attempts every now and again to try therapy, a new drug, 5htp eye movement therapy, acupuncture, meditation, reiki, exercise, mindfulness, everything under the sun. I would keep trying because I don't like depression or feeling suicidal. Yes, there would be times of being unable to move, or eat, or living on the couch or in bed. But give up. Probably now. The will to live, or fear of destroying my children might be too great

Yeah, the fear of hurting loved ones has always kept me at bay too. Plus, I always figured once I got to that point I would be away from my family by then anyway either because of college or having become an adult and living on my own, so it was more of a wait it out scenario.

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If, hypothetically, I knew with 100% certainty (or high up there) that there was no chance my depression/anxiety would ever alleviate, I think I would become even more depressed and scared. I would no longer be able to tell myself that there is a possible way out. On better days, I might question that percentage of certainty/its source because I am a skeptic, but sticking with the hypothetical entirely - that there literally is no chance, I would probably spend a little while trying to cope with this. Since in the hypothetical, there is no true relief - ever, I am almost certain I would find a way to ki** myself as painlessly as possible. I could not go on like this forever, without a shred of hope.

That said, I don't feel more hopeless now just from answering :) I too, think about things like this. I have not found the right meds, I have not really been helped from therapy, natural/lifestyle remedies do little to nothing. But there are still other medications to try, if it comes down to it... ECT and other similar treatments. If none of those worked, not medications, not ECT, not TMS, I honestly don't know. I would probably feel very similar to the hypothetical, but still keep some hope.

EDIT: I didn't see the "not suicide" part until after. Woops! I honestly have no idea. I would probably try to help others with depression feel less alone, like now, but it would be even more important to me. It would give me a sense of purpose. I'd also try to write more, even if it didn't bring me joy, because it makes me feel productive and accomplished as well.

Edited by neurotic_lady89
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If, hypothetically, I knew with 100% certainty (or high up there) that there was no chance my depression/anxiety would ever alleviate, I think I would become even more depressed and scared. I would no longer be able to tell myself that there is a possible way out. On better days, I might question that percentage of certainty/its source because I am a skeptic, but sticking with the hypothetical entirely - that there literally is no chance, I would probably spend a little while trying to cope with this. Since in the hypothetical, there is no true relief - ever, I am almost certain I would find a way to ki** myself as painlessly as possible. I could not go on like this forever, without a shred of hope.

That said, I don't feel more hopeless now just from answering :) I too, think about things like this. I have not found the right meds, I have not really been helped from therapy, natural/lifestyle remedies do little to nothing. But there are still other medications to try, if it comes down to it... ECT and other similar treatments. If none of those worked, not medications, not ECT, not TMS, I honestly don't know. I would probably feel very similar to the hypothetical, but still keep some hope.

EDIT: I didn't see the "not suicide" part until after. Woops! I honestly have no idea. I would probably try to help others with depression feel less alone, like now, but it would be even more important to me. It would give me a sense of purpose. I'd also try to write more, even if it didn't bring me joy, because it makes me feel productive and accomplished as well.

I've always wanted ECT because I feel like my brain is literally defective in a way and there were certain "complications" surrounding my birth that can cause the child's normal brain development to be impaired, so it's quite possible. At the same time, I can't imagine it would help me too much as 50% of the problem is just actually living on this planet; however, the other 50% of the problem is definitely a faulty brain. Also, I have to hand it to you being so hopeful now/in the hypothetical. I'm going through what I described in the hypothetical and hope isn't really a word or feeling that goes through my mind a lot, or to be honest at all. The only time I'm reminded of it is when I see these awesome people on DF making recoveries.

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If, hypothetically, I knew with 100% certainty (or high up there) that there was no chance my depression/anxiety would ever alleviate, I think I would become even more depressed and scared. I would no longer be able to tell myself that there is a possible way out. On better days, I might question that percentage of certainty/its source because I am a skeptic, but sticking with the hypothetical entirely - that there literally is no chance, I would probably spend a little while trying to cope with this. Since in the hypothetical, there is no true relief - ever, I am almost certain I would find a way to ki** myself as painlessly as possible. I could not go on like this forever, without a shred of hope.

That said, I don't feel more hopeless now just from answering :) I too, think about things like this. I have not found the right meds, I have not really been helped from therapy, natural/lifestyle remedies do little to nothing. But there are still other medications to try, if it comes down to it... ECT and other similar treatments. If none of those worked, not medications, not ECT, not TMS, I honestly don't know. I would probably feel very similar to the hypothetical, but still keep some hope.

EDIT: I didn't see the "not suicide" part until after. Woops! I honestly have no idea. I would probably try to help others with depression feel less alone, like now, but it would be even more important to me. It would give me a sense of purpose. I'd also try to write more, even if it didn't bring me joy, because it makes me feel productive and accomplished as well.

I've always wanted ECT because I feel like my brain is literally defective in a way and there were certain "complications" surrounding my birth that can cause the child's normal brain development to be impaired, so it's quite possible. At the same time, I can't imagine it would help me too much as 50% of the problem is just actually living on this planet; however, the other 50% of the problem is definitely a faulty brain. Also, I have to hand it to you being so hopeful now/in the hypothetical. I'm going through what I described in the hypothetical and hope isn't really a word or feeling that goes through my mind a lot, or to be honest at all. The only time I'm reminded of it is when I see these awesome people on DF making recoveries.

To be honest, I am not sure how realistic my hope is some of the time. I can relate to the faulty brain feeling - I am not sure exactly what is going on in there, but something abnormal. Depression and other mental illnesses run on both sides of my family. Most people I meet in-person/offline go on an SSRI and feel much, much, better after try #1. It gets discouraging when year after year, nothing helps. But then people do post online that after years of suffering, they finally found the right med combo, or TMS or ECT helped them a lot. I hope there is some relief for us.

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I hope there is some relief for us.

I wish we had a definitive answer on this. My life is pretty much just me shuffling along with the rest of society just enough to not get left behind/locked up, but not enough to be considered grounded into it because I couldn't imagine being someone's dad, husband, etc. while knowing that in the back of my mind at any point the wind could blow the wrong way and I would be gone in a second with no remorse. Now if there's no relief at all then I'd just like to go ahead and skip to the end to bypass what I can only imagine to be astronomically rougher years to come. Hypothetically: if someone told me I had another ten years like this (imagine depression as a prison sentence) I could fake it till I make it, but then if you applied that to the entirety of someone's life I imagine it would be no life at all and I fear that that might slowly be what my life is turning into. Also, if we're allowed to count unrealistic hope then I have enough for everyone on DF to feel better lol; only thing that's really kept me sane.

Edited by djmixer36
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What I’m going to say does not answer your question, but I hope that it is not too far off topic. I can't imagine suffering the way many of us do without the comfort of knowing that we can end our pain if we choose to. In no way do I advocate suicide and right now, I am not suicidal; when I am, I hate it. It is sort of like this: I have GAD and panic attacks and am prescribed Ativan as needed for them. I rarely need the Ativan when I have it, but when I don't and know that I have no relief if I need it, my anxiety and panic go through the roof. It is ironic to find the strength to live in knowing that death is an option. I feel subhuman finding solace in something so horrific. It disturbs me that I can't even wrap my brain around your hypothetical. Thank you for this thought-provoking post.


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It is ironic to find the strength to live in knowing that death is an option. I feel subhuman finding solace in something so horrific. It disturbs me that I can't even wrap my brain around your hypothetical. Thank you for this thought-provoking post.

Yes, I find it extremely dumbfounding. At one point in my depression I remember thinking I can do anything because at any point I could take my life, so basically I could live everyday like my last cause it could be if I chose for it to be. I don't think that you should feel bad for finding solace in it; however I don't think it's horrific at all which might make me a bad person myself, but who cares?

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If there was no hope at all for recovery yet suicide was off the table I would question everything. The truth is I can't turn it off. As much as I try I can't seem to stop questioning life and myself. Even as a kid the teachers had to shush me so I would stop asking too many questions. It has helped me understand myself better. Through my questioning I have come to see that I do have higher than normal emotional reactions to life. That there is possibly some sort of imbalance in the brain because of it but for the most part my issues can be helped by changing my thinking around. I may always have a strong emotional response to life but I can find restraint in how far I go with the response and that can help me feel a bit in control of my situation and help it to seem less of a hopeless situation. But even at times when I am at my lowest and just want out I know I will never be able to stop myself from trying to think my way out of it which would probably keep me abreast of any new developments in the treatment of depression. And that is sometimes all that is needed to keep a glimmer of hope alive. The fact that life is always changing and with it medical advancements including ways in which depression can be treated.

But if none of it winds up working fully and I stay in some level of depression for the rest of my life or find myself years down the road not any better than I am today I would try to work out how I wanted to cope with it. What things could I do to help myself feel the best as possible under the circumstances I find myself in. I might try the brain stimulation treatments though from what I understand they may need to be repeated from time to time. I guess I would figure if I have tried everything else and have nothing else to lose why not try it. But I do agree with Mr Shadow. No matter what we can always change our perception of ourselves and life. That is something you can in a lot of ways force yourself to change. It isn't easy to turn around a thought sometimes but simply refusing to accept it can do amazing things to shift our perception. The fact of the matter is just because you are depressed doesn't make you less valuable. Even if we are not using our talents to the best of our ability we still have value. That is the truth even if we fall prey to the lies in our head.

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It is ironic to find the strength to live in knowing that death is an option. I feel subhuman finding solace in something so horrific. It disturbs me that I can't even wrap my brain around your hypothetical. Thank you for this thought-provoking post.

Yes, I find it extremely dumbfounding. At one point in my depression I remember thinking I can do anything because at any point I could take my life, so basically I could live everyday like my last cause it could be if I chose for it to be. I don't think that you should feel bad for finding solace in it; however I don't think it's horrific at all which might make me a bad person myself, but who cares?

I'm glad that I'm not alone! Thank you for the support. I don't think that you are a bad person if you don't think that suicide is horrific. I do not think that suicide is wrong as in a sin or a crime and I certainly do not think that those who commit it are bad, weak, etc. I do think that it is horrific in that one usually has to suffer so much before arriving at that point and that it is a desperate act. I think that it is horrific that our society has done so little to ease the suffering of mental illness. I think that the consequences are often horrific for friends, family and/or others who find the deceased. Nevertheless, I still find comfort in having the option. Thank you for helping me clarify myself.

Edited by ZenDarling
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I don't know... the "optimist" in me says I should try to help some other people, at least share the burden so it's a bit lighter on all of us. The other side of me says that if suicide wasn't an option I'd just take whatever I'd have to take in to numb the pain until it's time to leave.

.. so depressing...

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I'm glad that I'm not alone! Thank you for the support. I don't think that you are a bad person if you don't think that suicide is horrific. I do not think that suicide is wrong as in a sin or a crime and I certainly do not think that those who commit it are bad, weak, etc. I do think that it is horrific in that one usually has to suffer so much before arriving at that point and that it is a desperate act. I think that it is horrific that our society has done so little to ease the suffering of mental illness. I think that the consequences are often horrific for friends, family and/or others who find the deceased. Nevertheless, I still find comfort in having the option. Thank you for helping me clarify myself.

Yes, I wasn't even thinking of it in terms of loved ones finding you and that being horrific; however, like you said the aftermath would be pretty hard for anyone to deal with. I would have to make sure there was a 100% chance no one I cared about would find me if/when that time comes, and I'm glad I could help.

But I do agree with Mr Shadow. No matter what we can always change our perception of ourselves and life. That is something you can in a lot of ways force yourself to change. It isn't easy to turn around a thought sometimes but simply refusing to accept it can do amazing things to shift our perception. The fact of the matter is just because you are depressed doesn't make you less valuable. Even if we are not using our talents to the best of our ability we still have value. That is the truth even if we fall prey to the lies in our head.

I understand what you and Shadow are saying about needing a change of perspective because in most cases depressed people are looking at life through a fish eye lens that's very distorted. I know that used to be my problem, but I don't feel like I'm looking at life through a distorted perspective just a very, very honest one and that ends up depressing me most of the times. Also, I never really felt like self value was a problem. If I can say it without sounding arrogant, I always knew I was/am a good person that could be considered to have "value", but that thought never really helped me much in dealing with this feeling.

I don't know... the "optimist" in me says I should try to help some other people, at least share the burden so it's a bit lighter on all of us. The other side of me says that if suicide wasn't an option I'd just take whatever I'd have to take in to numb the pain until it's time to leave.

.. so depressing...

I guess all you could do in that position is to try and help people in an attempt to lose yourself in doing good deeds, but I guess we could be doing that even now in an attempt to better ourselves and uplift others along with ourselves in the process. And you're right, it is a very depressing thing to think about.

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I was thinking about this kind of thing today, actually. About when people say "things will get better", they are always so sure of this but never specify when things will get better.

I'm not the suicidal type. I'm gonna stick around just to annoy people.

Edited by Mark250
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I'm not the suicidal type. I'm gonna stick around just to annoy people.

If I did attempt at a life, I would try to make it the prototype for not falling for society's trap and doing whatever you want that makes you happy and that would more than likely make me a hated person because I would annoy so many people by being me lol.

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I probably should not have looked at your situation through my own lens but in general most depressed people have a bleak outlook rooted in some sort of negative thinking about some area of their life. Getting to the root of our own personal dialogue, listening to where we are talking defeated, can help us make choices to change how we want to view our situation. That is in our control. It's not easy but it is something we can at least attempt to change. It could be even as simple as confronting a blanket statement that depression is unchangeable which otherwise sentences us to live a self fulling prophecy. As much as a big part of me adamantly insists this is the way life will be forever, I have an alternate side that refuses to accept that as true and so I keep fighting and searching for that thing that will possibly help turn the tides to better days. I guess what I am saying is the worst thing any depressed person can do is give up trying to reach for recovery and a better life. As hard as it is to stop the defeated talk we owe it to ourselves to never stop looking for a way out.

Edited by Michelle38
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I probably should not have looked at your situation through my own lens but in general most depressed people have a bleak outlook rooted in some sort of negative thinking about some area of their life. Getting to the root of our own personal dialogue, listening to where we are talking defeated, can help us make choices to change how we want to view our situation. That is in our control. It's not easy but it is something we can at least attempt to change. It could be even as simple as confronting a blanket statement that depression is unchangeable which otherwise sentences us to live a self fulling prophecy. As much as a big part of me adamantly insists this is the way life will be forever, I have an alternate side that refuses to accept that as true and so I keep fighting and searching for that thing that will possibly help turn the tides to better days. I guess what I am saying is the worst thing any depressed person can do is give up trying to reach for recovery and a better life. As hard as it is to stop the defeated talk we owe it to ourselves to never stop looking for a way out.

I'm actually going to retract my previous comment as it's probably not the best thing to have floating around this specific forum, but I'll say that I understand what you mean about changing how we view something (I've exhausted every view and perspective there is); however, I feel like it's actually not in my control anymore. My brain, or wherever it's coming from, gives me one of these bad thoughts and I can tell myself its irrational, stupid, not me, etc. but that never helps because the damage is already done. Plus, half the time the thought happens to be something that's true or realistic so that doesn't help.

Edited by djmixer36
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