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I'm Confused


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I am confused exactly what this is. I think I may have had some form of it my whole life but not sure I understand what is depression related and what is from anhendonia. My father was very critical of my mistakes and my successes so I never developed the ability to be proud of myself. I have never felt accomplished. People compliment me and I have always appreciated it but I never felt it for myself. I felt love for others but never for myself. I know people love me but I can't feel their love. There was also, even when not in depression what I would call some sort of dead spot in me. A disconnect with life. It wasn't severe or anything but it did keep me from really joining in all the reindeer games so you might say. I kind of sat on the sidelines. I even just now recall a doctor putting on one of my reports that there was a flat effect about me. I only know this by requesting a copy of my files and I really didn't quite get what he meant at the time but now I kind of guess he saw the disconnect. I never thought to question it or try to change.

But I did work through my anxiety at one point and really opened myself up to feeling love for others. I even found a little bit of pride for myself. I remember saying it was the first time I had ever felt proud was breaking through my anxiety, or maybe I just felt relief. But then I crashed into severe depression and the biggest crushing blow was not being able to feel love. I lost the ability to feel love. I still did at first I think but I just felt it slow slip away until I reached lost hope and it was totally gone. I fought hard to not lose and made the whole situation worse but it was the one thing I didn't want to lose but I could see it going and kind of knew it was only a matter of time before it was gone. I can still feel laughter or humor, not sure what emotion that is but it is very fleeting and that is probably the only positive emotion I can feel. I don't feel excitement, pleasure or love. It seems the only emotions I can feel are negative ones, anger, hate, sadness, despair. But even as I walk out of the dark depression and on occasion start to feel hopeful again, maybe even a twinge of excitement I now wonder if I will ever feel self love. If I didn't have it before not sure how I would get it now. Not sure what I am asking here just trying to understand it all. I can clearly see it being completely separate from depression but made intensely worse by being in depression. So many layers to all of this it is hard for me to wrap my head around.

Edited by Michelle38
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Wow, bizarre. 15 years ago when I was so stressed out I almost had a nervous breakdown a doctor suspected this in me. I didn't really notice it so much at the time or maybe I did my best to deny it. I had hurt my back and went to him with help for that but in the notes he commented that I had a flat effect and he suspected anehndonia. He was pushing counseling for the stress. He thought my back issue was all stress related and I didn't agree but I was afraid of counseling, partly cause I didn't have time but mostly because the sad thing was and maybe still is if you are labeled with a mental illness you can become almost uninsurable. But regardless I don't know that he handled the situation well in helping me see that my inability to cope was the problem as opposed to just the things in my life being a problem. I clearly saw my life circumstances as being the issue not my lack of coping skills. I see now I was wrong and that he was pretty spot on. I got mad at him though cause I thought he wasn't taking my back issue seriously. Guess I should have given him a break. Such is life. At least I am trying to sort it out now.

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