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Bewildered

New Here And Looking For Some Kind Of Support

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I am not sure how to start. I've been diagnosed as having moderate to severe depression. It is connected to a degree to a 2 1/2 year relationship with a man with complex PTSD who dumped me by avoidance, A lot of push and pull. A lot of uncertainty. A lot of compromising on my part in order to deal with his issues. A lot of pushing down my trust issues and accepting a situation where he had control. I have always had some tendencies, but it never hit the level it did until he disappeared on me. Then he contacted me again, after 13 months, telling me he had gone into a depression, but missed me. I said we could be friends. He wanted to see me, and then kept pushing off actually seeing me. I was torn and scared, but I missed his friendship. No, to be honest, I just missed him. And I'm loyal. I'm an all in kind of gal. Then he asked me to come see him because his truck was not running. I went to visit him; I just decided to do it. Spent very little time alone with him. Spent time with his new friend. In the morning he left me alone in his house while he had job, we were to meet a few hours later for brunch. I found a card to "the man I love" for his bday 2 months earlier. Turns out, I found out much later (a few weeks) that he was in a depression for about 9 months and then, "just fell in love" with a bipolar woman not in treatment or on meds that only lasted about 3 months. He said she seemed like him, he thought they had their damage in common. Then he told me stories about how manipulative and mean she was, reminding me of his mother. He tends to get involved with women that are chaos. He even offered to go back to therapy for her!! Says he broke up with her, but now felt less comfortable isolating. I seem to be in a category that is not a love prospect. He says he is connected to me. Can talk to me like no other woman, he can't help wanting me physically. When we are physical it is body and mind. The whole conversation hurt me a great deal. That is an understatement.He doesn't understand the pain he has caused me. He will admit fault in his actions, but seems not to actually have compassion for the pain caused. I feel manipulated, I feel used.

My life is in a bad place. I hate my job, just accepted a new one, 45 minutes across town. My 77 yr old dad is declining physically. I have my 3rd cervical cone biopsy next Tuesday. Probably will need a hysterectomy soon. My 15 year old cat is terminal and is probably my best friend. My one close friend I haven't pulled away from is bipolar so I try not to turn to him too much. I feel so tired and so alone. And I am so tired of feeling this way, My therapist says I have a great deal of stress and should consider anti-depressants, but I really don't want them. Not yet. I should be able to handle this on my own. I hate feeling weak. I spend a lot of energy and time trying to portray a strong person. I don't feel strong. I feel tired and alone and weak. I hate it. I am so tired of always trying so hard. Trying, always trying. Feels like life is just meeting obligations. I have surgery on Tuesday and I'm scared it will make my health worse. The scariest thing to me is that the thought something could go wrong and I could die is my best case scenario. It is a good thought. It would be a relief. I'm tired. I'm tired of my life. I can still function. I go to work. I do what has to be done. But when I am at home, alone... I am so sad. I am so tired. I never sleep unless I drink. Even when I take sleeping pills I only sleep about an hour or two and then I am awake again.I keep trying, but I have hit a place where I don't understand why anymore.

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I'm new here too but I have been dealing with depression and PSD for about 25 years. At first, I was like you and felt like I should be able to handle situations without anti-depressants. Then I met a psychiatrist with PTSD who clearly knew what I was dealing with. When I asked him why I could not deal with my issues via therapy, meditation, etc., without medication, he said, "It is chemical. Could you eat a box of Ex-Lax and not sh**?" That example of not being able to control one's altered body chemistry enabled me to start and stick to meds when needed. The very meds that I fought for years ended up being life savers, literally. I'm not going to go in to all my ups and downs with anti-depressants; I have had many. I can say that even with all the negative side effects, having to try multiple meds, etc., I have no regrets about treating myself to the relief of anti-depressants. One OTC that works well for me is SAM-e and sometimes I take it when waiting for a new course of prescription anti-depressants to work. I don't drink when depressed because alcohol is a depressant. There is so much more that I contemplate saying but am not going to at this point because I too am new here. Take care and know that others have been where you are and that you can come out on the other side.

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Hi Bewildered, welcome to the forums!

I don't post here very often but I read your story and felt I could really relate.

A couple of years ago I could have written this myself:

I feel tired and alone and weak. I hate it. I am so tired of always trying so hard. Trying, always trying. Feels like life is just meeting obligations. I have surgery on Tuesday and I'm scared it will make my health worse. The scariest thing to me is that the thought something could go wrong and I could die is my best case scenario. It is a good thought. It would be a relief. I'm tired. I'm tired of my life. I can still function. I go to work. I do what has to be done. But when I am at home, alone... I am so sad. I am so tired. I never sleep unless I drink.

I am sorry you're struggling so much, it's horrible to feel alone and isolated - i'm glad to hear you're in therapy though, i know it's not a substitute for friendships and relationships but at least you have a place to talk about your feelings and it's great that you also reached out for support on here.

I know antidepressants are not a cure but it sounds like you're under a lot of stress; in my opinion the right medication could really improve your quality of life and help you face all these difficulties you're going through. It's not weak to admit you need help :)

I am so sorry to hear about your dad and your cat, those are things that would bring anyone down no matter what else is going on in their life.

Also, please remember that alcohol is a depressant and only makes you feel better in the short term, i'm only saying this because i have abused it in the past as it seemed like a great coping mechanism but it easily gets out of control and leaves you feeling worse afterwards. Quitting alcohol and finding the right medications really made a huge difference to me on top of therapy, and everything else. But i also feel lucky that i'm going through a resonably stress free period in my life and i can focus on looking after myself so that also helps.

I hope your new job is a bit more enjoyable, it's awful when you're stuck doin something you hate so it's good you're starting a new job. I wish you all the best with your surgery, take care of yourself and keep posting! X

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