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afflicted

Monogamy

Love, sex, and all of those things  

57 members have voted

  1. 1. What best describes you?

    • Monogamous
      48
    • Polyamorous
      6
    • Open relationship, but strictly for casual
      0
    • Not interested
      3


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"Because let's face it, a woman that's had sex a lot doesn't want to have sex with a virgin anyway. "

That's not necessarily true, though I can see (and not agree with)people thinking this way towards virgins. My ex was a virgin when we started our relationship for a number of reasons, anxiety and getiing used to the idea he'd just never have sex being high up on the list. Things didn't work out for other reasons. I'm not sharing to say "Oh GAJ, you're wrong...SHHH!" - only that not every woman is like this, and I know firsthand.

Edited by neurotic_lady89

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If you don't want to be with someone for life then don't get married to them.

Whether I can spend a lifetime (or most of it) with someone depends entirely on the other person. My friend? Yes. I could commit to her without psychological trauma.

The women who knowingly slept with that guy I knew growing up? No. He was a pig. He curb stomped someone's face in. Incredibly violent, rampant drug use, women swarmed more than almost anyone I've ever met.

So it does matter to me who and why they choose. If women have the power to not casually sleep with people, and they still choose guys like that? Then no dice.

That's horrible, yuck. I usually pick men that have the same interests as me. I don't care what they look like that much. Mostly inexperienced guys.

Please GAJ123 don't start arguing with me about how looks and experience matters.

Maybe it doesn't to you personally, but for most women they care about at least one or the other. And for some it's both.

Edited by GAJ123

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The idea that you can have sexual intimacy every day when in a separate country, not that anyone asked you about that only about whether she would want a relationship with real sexual intimacy, is not valid. You may have some kind of sexual interaction together online or skype or whatever, but that's not sexual intimacy where someone can hold and be held which is part of the definition of sexual intimacy.

Sorry guys. This is eating me alive. I need to address this point. This is a human rights violation.

Defining what sexual intimacy means to another person has a name, it is called rape. No ifs ands or buts.

Human beings have a right to define and consent to whatever situations feel sexually intimate for themsselves, and your efforts to 'own the definition' are extremely domineering and disturbing. If you or anyone else believes you have the right to define what sexual intimacy means to another person outside the definition they consent to, you are condoning rape.

Sexual intimacy is whatever he or she defines it to be. Period. It has nothing to do with you unless it is your body involved. The presence of one person holding another person's body with or without a penis in a vagina isn't what makes sexuality intimate. Consent does. You don't define consent for other people.

If anyone is confused about what consent means, or maybe have a a manipulative presence in their lives and feel a little lost. Really weird advice? I hope my post will help them stand up for themselves and say no to others defining which sexual experiences feel intimate for them. Removing another person's right to define this, is like rape 101. This is not complicated.

And I will not forgive this statement unless it is fully retracted. I didn't see this until now. This is horrific.

Edited by chaku

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On the topic of monogomy and polyamory, have many of you met polyamorous people? Did they share much about their lifestyle with you? I have met about 3 poly people in my life (possibly more of course, but the topic only came up with three). I should have gone deeper into the subject to learn more about their lifestyle, in retrospect. One of the three had never been in a poly relationship but knew it was what she wanted. The other two were either single, or currently with one partner, but had been in relationships with several people at once in the past.

Edited by neurotic_lady89

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On the topic of monogomy and polyamory, have many of you met polyamorous people? Did they share much about their lifestyle with you? I have met about 3 poly people in my life (possibly more of course, but the topic only came up with three). I should have gone deeper into the subject to learn more about their lifestyle, in retrospect. One of the three had never been in a poly relationship but knew it was what she wanted. The other two were either single, or currently with one partner, but had been in relationships with several people at once in the past.

I've met one that identified as polyamorous. She explained that she had a primary relationship, a secondary, and possibly a third, however, it was unclear how they were defined/if sex was involved. I may have met more people that were poly but if so, I had no way of knowing. I would assume that many who identify as poly would be careful about sharing that with others.

There was one occasion where I was approached by a woman, who's boyfriend was present. She hinted that she might be interested in some fun. I was too nervous (and high) at the time so I missed an opportunity. Now, I don't know if they were poly or only open to casual. Either way, it sucks that I failed to act on it. I thought she was particularly attractive and interesting too.

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I've tried to be monogamous, but my S/O was trying to figure out how they wanted to do things, and had several other partners in the course of our relationship, and I'm currently unsure of the status of our own pairing at the moment. I'm okay with them trying new things, but it makes me feel bad when I know that my partner has someone else when all I have is my partner.

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I've tried to be monogamous, but my S/O was trying to figure out how they wanted to do things, and had several other partners in the course of our relationship, and I'm currently unsure of the status of our own pairing at the moment. I'm okay with them trying new things, but it makes me feel bad when I know that my partner has someone else when all I have is my partner.

This sounds like a one way relationship. I think it's great that you have that respect for your partner but it seems like you really want a monogamous pairing. If you yourself were poly and were fine with this arrangement, that's a different story but I worry that this isn't the case.

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I've tried to be monogamous, but my S/O was trying to figure out how they wanted to do things, and had several other partners in the course of our relationship, and I'm currently unsure of the status of our own pairing at the moment. I'm okay with them trying new things, but it makes me feel bad when I know that my partner has someone else when all I have is my partner.

This sounds like a one way relationship. I think it's great that you have that respect for your partner but it seems like you really want a monogamous pairing. If you yourself were poly and were fine with this arrangement, that's a different story but I worry that this isn't the case.

I was thinking the same. Almost feels like their just using him for the security while going out having sex with others.

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I think there's STDs out there for a reason

Hi Elicia, could you elaborate on this?

I just think most of the us are meant to be monogamous... If you decide to have "open" relationships, you run the risk of recieving & transmitting sexual diseases. Not to mention unwanted pregnancies and abortions...As for polygamist marriages, this is almost non existint besides in third world countries, where poverty exists and many women have to marry into polygamy to survive.

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I just think most of the us are meant to be monogamous... If you decide to have "open" relationships, you run the risk of recieving & transmitting sexual diseases. Not to mention unwanted pregnancies and abortions...As for polygamist marriages, this is almost non existint besides in third world countries, where poverty exists and many women have to marry into polygamy to survive.

Ok. There are plenty of people that share your opinion about monogamy. I'm not so certain.

I won't talk about polygamy because that's not what this topic is covering.

I think you run the risk of receiving & transmitting diseases regardless of "monogamous" status, along with unwanted pregnancies and abortions. It's a rather common occurance without even considering polyamory. There are methods that exist to minimize the risks of those things if people would bother to use them, "open" or not. Personally, I'm not the kind of person that would just jump in bed with someone without getting to know them anyways so the disease factor is not really a factor for me.

I'm monogamous. I don't think I could handle the emotional effects of being otherwise.

This is assuming that polyamory = jealousy/drama. It's also assuming that monogamy = safe. The entire operating principle of monogamy is that someone belongs to you and only you in a truly intimate way. That people can be claimed. When I think about that, the first thing that comes to mind isn't "safe". Familiar, yes, but I really have to question that monogamy is so 'safe' because it fails all the time, leading to heartbreak (sometimes worse, violence or death) and possibly court, if married. Because of the extreme expectations that exist in monogamy, it's no wonder that it fails so often. But, people will pick up the pieces and try again with the same expectation for someone else. Most folks go through their life in a progression of serial monogamy. That raises red flags for me.

I'm not saying that being with one person is wrong. Not at all. One person or a few others doesn't really matter in my mind. If you're happy with one person at any given time, that's cool. It's likely that polyamorous relationships start this way, unless an entire group of people suddenly get together (which I would think would be rare). What I think is unfortunate are the assumptions implicit in monogamy - that 1) again, two people claim exclusive rights to each other (essentially property) and 2) that this arrangement is permanent (in our minds). This is a recipe, at least to me, for dispute, resentment, regret, bitterness, and pain, expressed or not. It is very limiting. I know that even if I was with one other person, I wouldn't want to view her as something to own.

*****

I've given some thought into polyamory, and the poll results, and I find it unlikely that I will come across those arrangements often, at least not openly. I don't think that I would be unhappy with one person as long as there is a deep respect for each other as individuals and that as such we are not bound to absurd expectations I mentioned above. I never plan to marry nor have kids. I want to share myself with someone for as far as it will go and leave it at that. Perhaps it would evolve into "open/casual" or even polyamory, in an organic way, if the opportunities arise. So, my challenge is to find a lady who shares similar values.

In any case, polyamory should not be considered wrong, especially when monogamy has it's share of flaws.

Edited by afflicted

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"I think you run the risk of receiving & transmitting diseases regardless of "monogamous" status, along with unwanted pregnancies and abortions."

If you're in a monogamous relationship that means you are only sleeping with one partner, not 10-20. So I have to disagree with you on this. Also you don't really hear of married monogamous couples having abortions. This is Rlly unheard of, unless there are health factors involved.

You also say you would be careful when sleeping with different women and get to know them. That means you would also need to know everyone they're sleeping with.. It's a domino effect.

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If you're in a monogamous relationship that means you are only sleeping with one partner, not 10-20. So I have to disagree with you on this. Also you don't really hear of married monogamous couples having abortions. This is Rlly unheard of, unless there are health factors involved.

You also say you would be careful when sleeping with different women and get to know them. That means you would also need to know everyone they're sleeping with.. It's a domino effect.

Do you take into account those that have affairs? Or what about serial monogamy? You can sleep with that many people throughout a lifetime as a person who subscribes to monogamy. A single person can and is often considered monogamous because it's about a view of relationships. See post #17 in my response to shio. And again, there are ways to minimize the spread of disease and pregnancy in this day and age if people would use them.

As far as abortions are concerned, I really don't know the statistics. Are there even statistics on monogamous vs. polyamorous abortions? I would almost assume that 99.9% of abortions would come from monogamous pairings or flings. I would like to avoid turning this into a topic on abortion.

If I was in a polyamorous relationship, yes, it would be beneficial to have some information on others. It would require an openness to get tested regularly and share with all involved. Using birth control methods are important.

10-20 partners is never something I'd imagine having. 2 maybe 3 at most at a time.

Edited by afflicted

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Hi Afflicted.

You seem to know what you want and I hope you find it.

One thing I will disagree with is that monogamy automatically comes with ownership. I think some relationships are like that but it certainly isnt a given. I personally have an extremely low tolerance for anything that slightly hints of it and any jealousy or anything related. In my experience it is perfectly possible to be monogamous and not have that as an undertone to the relationship. Irrelevant for you as you have chosen a different way but important as a concept. I think a lot of people dont mind that ownership or even want it and it works for them.

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Hi Afflicted.

You seem to know what you want and I hope you find it.

One thing I will disagree with is that monogamy automatically comes with ownership. I think some relationships are like that but it certainly isnt a given. I personally have an extremely low tolerance for anything that slightly hints of it and any jealousy or anything related. In my experience it is perfectly possible to be monogamous and not have that as an undertone to the relationship. Irrelevant for you as you have chosen a different way but important as a concept. I think a lot of people dont mind that ownership or even want it and it works for them.

I hope I do too.

How does ownership of people work?

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I think there's STDs out there for a reason

Hi Elicia, could you elaborate on this?

I just think most of the us are meant to be monogamous... If you decide to have "open" relationships, you run the risk of recieving & transmitting sexual diseases. Not to mention unwanted pregnancies and abortions...As for polygamist marriages, this is almost non existint besides in third world countries, where poverty exists and many women have to marry into polygamy to survive.

I think having promiscuous, unprotected, sex is risky but I don't think polyamory necessarily = promiscuous at all. Someone could be poly, in one relationship for many years, and then decide to add another partner if that was what everyone involved wanted (That's not what *I* would want, but hey). STDS exist for a reason makes it sound like people who live differently from the norm somehow deserve to have terrible infections and diseases, but I'm not sure if you were suggesting that or not. I think most of these things: STDs, unwanted pregnancy, and abortion, have a higher likelihood of happening when people sleep around for the heck of it. I'm not sure there is any correlation to poly relationships, since many people who identify as monogamous (when they are in relationships) sleep around when they are single. Careless sex seems to be the culprit.

Also, married and engaged monogamous couples do have abortions. It's a deeply personal topic, something I am sure people don't want to bring up at dinner, but I have known couples like this - their birth control method failed. I'm not trying to start an ethical war on where I stand re: this issue, which is controversial and most people feel strongly about one way or another. But I am saying that it very much happens.

Also I see your point, it is easier to keep track of who might have been exposed to an STD when there are just two partners. But like afflicted pointed out, monogamous people have affairs and one night stands, often that their partner never finds out about. Many people have also had more than one sexual partner before they get married, and not everyone is honest. It's kind of scary to think about!

I respect everyone's right to have their own opinions, I am just reluctant to say how people are "meant" to be simply because I'm not like them. I wouldn't want it done to me, I just happen to fall into the monogamous majority.

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I think there's STDs out there for a reason

Hi Elicia, could you elaborate on this?

I just think most of the us are meant to be monogamous... If you decide to have "open" relationships, you run the risk of recieving & transmitting sexual diseases. Not to mention unwanted pregnancies and abortions...As for polygamist marriages, this is almost non existint besides in third world countries, where poverty exists and many women have to marry into polygamy to survive.

I think having promiscuous, unprotected, sex is risky but I don't think polyamory necessarily = promiscuous at all. Someone could be poly, in one relationship for many years, and then decide to add another partner if that was what everyone involved wanted (That's not what *I* would want, but hey). STDS exist for a reason makes it sound like people who live differently from the norm somehow deserve to have terrible infections and diseases, but I'm not sure if you were suggesting that or not. I think most of these things: STDs, unwanted pregnancy, and abortion, have a higher likelihood of happening when people sleep around for the heck of it. I'm not sure there is any correlation to poly relationships, since many people who identify as monogamous (when they are in relationships) sleep around when they are single. Careless sex seems to be the culprit.

Also, married and engaged monogamous couples do have abortions. It's a deeply personal topic, something I am sure people don't want to bring up at dinner, but I have known couples like this - their birth control method failed. I'm not trying to start an ethical war on where I stand re: this issue, which is controversial and most people feel strongly about one way or another. But I am saying that it very much happens.

Also I see your point, it is easier to keep track of who might have been exposed to an STD when there are just two partners. But like afflicted pointed out, monogamous people have affairs and one night stands, often that their partner never finds out about. Many people have also had more than one sexual partner before they get married, and not everyone is honest. It's kind of scary to think about!

I respect everyone's right to have their own opinions, I am just reluctant to say how people are "meant" to be simply because I'm not like them. I wouldn't want it done to me, I just happen to fall into the monogamous majority.

Really interesting thread.

Yeah I also found the 'there's STDs out there for a reason' comment to be a little disturbing. It suggests that STDs are somehow a punishment for people who have a lot of sexual partners. A virgin could be raped and contract several STDs in the one encounter, whilst another person could have a large number of consensual sexual partners but be safe about it & be perfectly STD-free. STDs have nothing to do with judgement and everything to do with just the evolutionary battle between species (i.e. viruses finding the best ways to spread to new hosts). Tasmanian Devils have become endangered because a contagious form of cancer is now being passed on through sex. Tassie Devils are the most beautiful creatures, they're one of my favourite animals. I don't think anyone would suggest that Tassie Devils deserve to be eradicated because of their promiscuity.

I'm in the 'monogamy isn't natural' camp, or at least long-term monogamy isn't natural. I think we're biologically programmed to couple & then move on after 2-3 years (after the oxytocin & dopamine dies down). After 7 years, they've found that even the chemicals that illicit 'cuddling' start to wane (which is when the 7 year itch sets in). There's a lot of research on how the brain chemicals that fuel desire in the early stages of relationships eventually peter out, no matter how attracted you are to the person at the start.

I actually think proper monogamy (i.e. not just people pretending to be monogamous, but also refraining from having affairs on the side) is actually fairly new, at least in terms of English history & particularly in the way the men behaved. In Victorian England & previously, marriage was really just a front. As long as you didn't talk about it, affairs were pretty much commonplace.

I think it's hard to say exactly what we're programmed for because our cultural norms (and fears) are so deeply entrenched. It's hard to know whether the jealousy/fear that arises in polyamorous relationships is because we're not biologically programmed for it, or because we've been brainwashed into having a hard time accepting it. My guess is that it's the short-term monogamous relationships that we're designed for.

Personally, I'm in a very happy long-term monogamous relationship, but I think anyone who lives with someone for more than 10 years would be lying through their teeth if they claimed that they still wanted to tear their partner's clothes off, or didn't have any interest (as a passing thought) about sleeping with someone else.

Also - I really believe that it's a good thing to have several partners before you settle down. It makes you appreciate the person that you end up with. If you've played the field, you're not constantly thinking about what you might be missing out on. The whole 'slut shaming' thing & gender hypocrisy (that makes promiscuity ok for men but not women) annoys me to no end and I don't think it's a healthy thing for relationships in general. Just in my opinion.

Edited by Els1e

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Err, just wanted to clarify a couple of things about my previous (above) post.

When I said most people in long-term relationships have an interest in (passing thought of) sleeping with someone else, I didn't mean with any intention of acting on it (of cheating) :-s. I just meant purely as a thought.

Also - in terms of my view on the ideal relationship being short-term monogamous, I meant from a biological perspective. I don't think that it's necessarily the ideal set-up given our current cultural/social constructs. I think natural selection (evolution) just hasn't had (nearly) enough time to adapt our biology to the way we live now. Hopefully, in the future, we'll change what's acceptable in terms of our lifestyles to be more aligned with our biological instincts.

I also think I've changed my mind on what I think is 'ideal' (from a biological perspective). I'm kind of thinking maybe polymory is maybe more natural. Maybe the Victorian English had the right idea (only from the perspective of being married to one person but having multiple partners - not in terms of the inequitable way women were treated or in any other sense).

I dunno, it's such a complex topic, really interesting question though.

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Hi Els1e,

Thanks for contributing! I think you hit the nail on all points. To add.. I think if you consider something such as interracial marriage and how it was frowned upon for the longest time, we realize just how much cultural norms/restrictions can shape our world. It was considered wrong, even sinful in some places. Wasn't even fully legal in the US until 1967. Polyamory is similar in a sense that I think we are more conditioned to reject it as a possibility. The rules that govern our (monogamous) relationships are entrenched, much like the rules of marriage used to be in regard to race. I think it would be an even greater challenge for society to allow for polyamory (NOT even referring to polygamy) than it was for interracial marriage. There are institutions that reinforce monogamy as the only way and so to have polyamory become an acceptable choice would mean shaking up those institutions. It would also mean raising children differently over several generations, leaving that conditioning out of development. We would have to unlearn.

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Hey bud :-).

Yep I completely agree. I also think that unnatural relationship structures have quite a lot to do with how serious & widespread problems of mental illness are becoming. I think things will change eventually, but entrenched cultural prejudices/fears are very hard to budge. Here's hoping change happens quicker than I think it's going to happen :-s.

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I know this is off on a tangent but the "priests must take a vow of celibacy" has zero to do with religion. The church did not want them to have children to leave their property and wealth in an inheritance. No children means the church gets the inheritance. BTW I'm not forming an opinion just stating a cause and effect. Interesting topic for sure.

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Hi Teddy. I looked at the link and it shows "page not found". I'm a bit skeptical of the conclusion that men are that way and women are not. Again, I think that social expectations are at work here more than hormones. I think that biology plays a role but not to the extent that nurture does in this case. I think that men and women, without the gender norms, would have similar sexual/relationship behaviors. Much less inhibited, particularly for women.

I definately agree with your opinion. I think a lot of the norms and social standards are placed on us. I think it depends on the individual. Everyone is different. If a woman has many partners she is not respected, yet if a man has stories to tell with the tons of women he has been with, he is considered a hero.

I really think it depends on the individual and what beliefs they grew up with.

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I've always thought I was monogamous and I've been in a relationship of this type for nearly 9 years but recently realised that I would be able to be polyamorous, its been difficult to accept but I don't think it will ever happen since my partner doesn't accept it and I'm happy in this relationship. I do wish society was more open on things like this though.

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