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Confused About My Recent Thoughts


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I'm 21 and I've always considered myself to be...for the lack of a better word: normal (at least in my opinion). Lately, I've found myself fantasising about ******* myself. It's confusing. Although I have recently found myself in an extremely low point in life, I still consider myself to be "normal." I don't exactly have a broad spectrum of emotions and I am quite honestly sociopathic in nature (I do have APD if that is somehow relevant), so I've always fancied myself to be immune to such thoughts. These recent thoughts about ******* myself are alien to me. It's almost romantic how lovingly I play the thoughts out in my head. I will point out that I thoroughly enjoy living, but--even before these daydreams--I've never been one to see my death as something to be prevented or feared; I just view it as an event in life, and that it should not matter when it does happen. So basically my state of nature is that of the Stoics. I don't feel like I should be concerened with what's happening, but it is frustrating that these fantasies blind-sided me and are persistent in their seduction. I can't make heads or tales of it so I rationalized that this behaviour was depression related; thus my reason for visiting. Should I be worried?

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Ever since I was a teenager I sometimes out of the blue get urges to cause my death by jumping off boats or out of moving cars. I have to fight the urge to physically go through with it. I spent most of my life ignoring the urges trying to deny that I had them until I fell into a very severe depression and it dawned on me that more was going on than I may have realized. The thing is feelings, thoughts, urges and even fantasies are not the same as actually going through with it. Having fantasies is pretty common and as you stated you don't see death as something to be feared so you may just be trying to understand that a bit further. But I would consider talking to someone about it to get to the root of why you may be fantasizing about your death. Maybe take some time to reflect on what is happening at the moments that this urge comes up. Is there a pattern when it happens? Some sort of recent incidence that could possibly be a trigger? Only you know if you think you could act on your fantasies but I would not take them lightly if I were you. I would try to get to the root of it one way or another just so you can start to fantasize about more pleasant things.

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