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I'm At The End Of My Rope And I Don't Know What To Do At This Point


bri33

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I've done nothing but think about death nonstop since the summer, ******* myself, what happens after, maybe the only reason I'm alive right now is a fear of death.

I've tried to change my life, put myself out there, but I just ended up getting rejected over and over. I'm all alone, I have no one, only people I can even talk to are my parents, and they are not people who I want to talk about my depression so I pretend everything is alright.

After some REALLY bad experiences with anti depressants a few years ago I swore them off. I got low enough last month that I went to my old psychiatrist again to do something because I didnt' know what else to do. She prescribed abilify, my insurance covered it but required pre authorization, after days of speaking on the phone I couldn't get a good reason why but was never approved. I then started trying to get her to give me other options, but before the holidays she told me she would get back to me but never did.

So now my life since then has been basically sleep 12 hours a day. Wake up, struggle to even perform a 5 minute task, I feel no joy, I can't do anything, I can't even motivate myself to watch tv. I have really bad racing thoughts and basically have a tension migraine every day. I wen to my mom's for the holidays with intention of finding a new place after but can't even bring myself to do that.

I just don't see myself getting out of this, I really don't know what to even do at this point since everything I've tried and failed and it's only made my depression worse. I'm just in complete agony most of the time. I really have no reason to believe I'll ever bee good enough

Edited by bri33
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Bri33,

I am happy that you found us here. You will find a very caring group here as well. I'm sorry for what you are dealing with. Part of the tragedy of depression is that it also robs us of our objectivity at times and skews our viewpoints. I don't really have the answers, as I am in the midst of it all myself. Just know that you are not alone, and keep seeking out what works for you. And is that psychiatrist isn't getting back to you, then find a more responsible one that will!

We are here for you.

Bootstraps

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bri,

Please don't give up! We care about what happens to you here, as do your family. They may not always be good at expressing it. Keep getting in touch with your therapist and make sure you tell her how bad things are for you, that's what she's there for. Bootstraps is right, if your therapist is not getting back with you find another if possible. Don't let the depression convince you to give up. You can make it through this, even if you can't see that right now. So many of us remember being where you're at now. You can do this! :hugs::flowers:

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bri33: I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this right now. I was in that same situation about a month ago. If you haven't tried therapy yet, I would highly recommend it. I myself have been in therapy for only about 2 months now and even in that short time I feel that it's helped me. It's a difficult and slow process, but if you dedicate yourself to it, it'll help in the end. Also, please feel free to message me if you want to talk.

Good luck. You can do this! : )

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20yrsandcounting is right when he/she says, "Don't let the depression convince you to give up." The hardest things to do are the things that are best for you. Find in a new place would probably help you, so depression doesn't want you to do it. Continuing to press your doctor for medication is best for you, so depression wants you to stop. And while I personally keep my depression to myself so as not to worry my parents, opening up to my youngest sister proved to be most helpful as she had her own experiences to share. So even if you can't get medication I still hope you will at least talk to someone. It does help.

Also, while I'm not on anti-depressants (I see a PhD, not an MD), I am taking something for the tension headache that arrived 16 months ago. While I was on vacation no less.

Try and push through the fog and get what you need.

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My psychiatrist seemed uninterested in helping. I need new health insurance, and since I don't know where I'm going to be can't really go about finding a new one.

I'm self employed and have completely stopped working last few months also and need income.

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My psychiatrist seemed uninterested in helping. I need new health insurance, and since I don't know where I'm going to be can't really go about finding a new one.

I'm self employed and have completely stopped working last few months also and need income.

You really are in a dark place. Depression (sorry if I keep personalizing it, but it helps to think of it as a thinking, active enemy that you have to consciously fight) is stopping you from doing all the things you can do to fight it. My job wasn't great at a certain point, but it did serve to keep my mind busy. Depression hates that, so it's draining your motivation to find work. Also work means access to medical care, another reason depression is hot to stop you.

Don't be ashamed to use the false optimism of the New Year as a way to motivate yourself. New year, new you.

Edited by ArthurP
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bri,

I'm sure your psychiatrist does want to help you. Depression can make it difficult to see that others care about us, and it can cause us to belittle our own contributions. You will make it out of this. Arthur has a great idea, use the new year to help you motivate, that first step is often the hardest. You can do this. :hugs:

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I am so sorry to hear you were given the insurance run around for your rmeds. That is just terrible and wrong in my opinion. It definitely would have made me sink even lower as well the psychiatrist brushing you off would have sent me even deeper. Life is disregarding you and it hurts beyond measure. I will say though that there is a difference between a psychiatrist and a psychologist. A psychiatrist treats mental health illness from the perspective of problems with the brain. From what I understand, at least in the states, they don't do therapy that much anymore because insurance companies don't want to pay their higher rates. They mostly just try to manage symptoms by prescribing meds. What you may want to look into is a psychologist who can work with you from a therapy perspective. You may need the meds to help elevate your mood but finding a professional to talk through your feelings, racing thoughts and beliefs is super important to breaking a pattern that sends us spiraling into depression. It sounds like you may suffer from self blame and low self worth. It is a profoundly painful place to find yourself and life always seem to reinforce it and make it worse but there is still hope. With a little bit of work to try and understand your thought processes you may be able to turn this around and find happiness again. Regardless of your next steps please do stop by here often if only to just get it all out. Many of us have been where you are and can relate. Everyone is super supportive. Stay strong.

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