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Anxiety Is Out Of Control


SFChristianGirl

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Hi everyone.

The thread title says a lot about what's going on with me. My anxiety has been out of control since last Friday. I've tried everything they taught me in therapy so far. I've done mindfulness meditation, breathing excercises, distraction techniques, etc. etc. and nothing has helped like it usually does.

Since Friday, that was 5 days ago, I've had about 9 panic attacks. That's way out of control for me. My depression was staying on the ok side, around the middle until last Friday. Then everything started going down hill.

I'm not even talking about SI or thoughts or anything of that sort. For some reason on Friday, I started to think a lot about missing loved ones who have passed away, all of them within the last 2 or 3 years. In the front of my mind was the loss of my grandfather. As hard as I tried I couldn't shake the thoughts of missing him and others. The thought kept coming to my mind that I wanted to visit his grave. Now currently, that's not possible for me, cause he's buried in the other side of the country and I can't get there very easily right now.

So, yesterday I finally gave in and did the next best thing in my mind. I went to the local cemetery here in town, which happens to be a veterans' cemetery, and I drove around there for a little bit. I finally parked at a random place there and got out of the car and walked around. I just felt like I needed to grieve and in order to do that I had to be alone and undisturbed for a little while. After walking around for a little bit I started to cry a little, not as much as I'd liked, but it was a start at least. I felt myself getting overwhelmed and I got out my cell phone and called my therapist. I had spoken to him earlier in the day to talk about my anxiety, but he had no idea that I was even thinking of making this trip. We spoke on the phone for about 5 minutes or so and he asked me some questions and talked me through things. He really helped to console me, because I was unable to do it for myself. After we hung up, I walked around for a little longer. By the time I'd left I'd been there about a half an hour.

As soon as I got in my car and started to drive away I felt calm for a few moments. Then I became tired, both physically and emotionally. Later on I felt drained and emotionally numb.

I went home and had a normal evening with my family and then went to bed. By the time bedtime came around I was ready for it.

I think this process was at least a starting block for me. I have many things that I'm trying to grieve right now and this feels like it at least got things moving.

Thanks for listening.

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Hey :) Im sorry you are going through this/ but at the same time glad that you feel like this might be a turning point of sorts. Anxiety truly sucks. I don't think I know the experience of a full blown panic attack (I mean what do I know...maybe I have....we all have our own unique experiences)....but I sure know what it is like to come to the edge of one. I 'come to the edge" and stay at the edge most of the time right now. Its like I can't breathe anymore....ever. It heightens to the worst points when I am driving to the T...and in session with the T. If I go full blown Im pretty sure it will be when I am sitting there. I say that only to say.....I understand anxiety and how much you want to gain control of it....not be a part of it. Its hard to manage.

How cool\ very giving of your T to be available in that way to you. Sounds like you have "one of the good guys" that truly cares. Im thankful for that for you.

It does sound like it was good for you to grieve in that way. Loss and what it does to us is such an unpredictable and individual thing. Needing to grieve is such a part of being human...and so intricate to who we are as people.

Keep us posted!

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Hi again everyone.

First of all, thank you to all of you for your replies and support. I just wanted to give you all an update.

My anxiety level has dropped to within a manageable range and I have no idea why. It got better as mysteriously as it came. I'm going to continue to monitor myself, but for now I feel better.

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Hi SF,

Anything specific about work? Or is it just that it's not home (which I assume is your comfort zone)

Re-reading your original post, it reminded me of something I do occasionally. Growing up, another family did stuff with ours. They had kids about me and my sisters' ages.

Ernie was a year younger than I and we did stuff. But when I was about 8, Ernie was in an accident and passed away.

I did not think about it much over the years. But sometime, for some reason, he came to mind. He lost his chance to do some of the fun things I get to do. So, I go out and do some fun things in his memory. When I am lazy or unmotivated, I will occasionally remember him and that gets me off my butt and I can go live some life.

Anyway, that is my distracting thought for the moment. (not surprised that anxiety levels are higher at work, mine are, and for good reasons...nothing irrational about that.)

mm

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It's a high stress level at work. Also, I don't get along well with my supervisor. He's very condescending and a perfectionist. You can't do anything right for him. Beyond that I've been missing a lot of work cause I've been sick with physical health problems and mental health problems. They told me that if I miss any more work without having paid time off acruded that I'll be fired.

I'm sorry to hear about your friend. It's amazing what will trigger memories for us and make us remember other people from the past.

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Yup, not getting along with the supervisor is the suxxor. And when they start looking at drawing lines, even more pressure. Can you concentrate on one thing at a time? Deep breath and remember the things you have accomplished?

Hopefully others can jump in with more helpful experiences.

mm

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Sorry that work is causing problems for you SFChristianGirl! I can certainly relate, even though depression has always been more of an issue for me than anxiety. I work in retail management so I am no stranger to high stress. I wish I had some good advice for you, just wanted to say I hope things get better for you!

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Oh my, I sympathize with you.

Have you asked your company about the option of FMLA time off for your health issues? FMLA covers time off of work due to depression too. Maybe your HR department can help you out with seeing if this is an option?

Could you start looking for another job, maybe focusing on making your work situation better would help? Sometimes working towards creating a light at the end of the tunnel can be therapeutic and help feel more in control of the situation.

Can you talk to your family about your anxiety? Could they be helpful? (hug!)

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I am so sorry! Anxiety is such a hard thing to manage. I wish you didn't have to be in a work environment that was so stressful. That is really hard. No hope at a job change?

Is there anything you can do within the workplace to bring you a little joy? I'm sorry its bad. I hope it swings back the other way very soon!

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mmoose: Thank you for your reply. I do try to focus on one thing at a time, but a normal day at work consists of near constant interuptions by my supervisor and others. I also have ADHD, so focusing has always been difficult for me. I always have to remind myself about the breathing excercises. My therapist told me the same thing when I spoke to him on the phone earlier today.

LonelyHiker: Thank you. I can relate to retail stress as well. I worked in retail for 6 years before I got this job.

Kad33788: Thank you for your sympathy. I need to re-apply for FMLA again. I was on it last year, but not for depression or anxiety. Now that the calendar year is new again, I can re-apply. I've actually been looking for another job for several months now. I've been looking to transfer within my company, but it doesn't look like that's an option right now, cause there hasn't been any openings for my position. Time to start looking outside this company. I'm sure my family would support me, but with all we've been through recently, I don't want to add anymore strain.

Ip44: Thank you for your sympathy as well. As far as joy within the workplace, I'll have to give that some thought. I have to be really careful around this supervisor. I can't play music, even softly, around him. I can't even wear certain lotions due to their scents, around him and I don't wear strong scents. My biggest help there are my co-workers. He's harsh with them also, but I think I just feel it more, cause I spend the most time with him.

Is anyone here familiar with the herbal medicine Kava? When I spoke to my therapist earlier today he mentioned that I try it to help with the anxiety. I'm just not familiar with it.

Thank you to everyone for your replies, support and sympathy. I really do appreciate it.

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Thank you for that verse octopus_pancake. I know it, but I don't always remember it. I really appreciate your support.

Another update: Since yesterday my depression and anxiety have been at high levels again. I'm basically feeling like I'm pre-crisis right now. I don't want to get to that point. I'm just trying to manage the symptoms with out feeling overwhelmed by them. Easier said than done.

The flashbacks that began on Tuesday are continuing. There are several of them, but one in particular is being very un-nerving and persistent.

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