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Lucerne

Feelings For My Psychiatrist, And I Won't See Him For A Few Weeks. (Insight Please)

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Firstly, my last appointment with him is tomorrow until some time in late January.

Another thing, I know I am not in love with him, and I know I don't have a crush on him. I don't know what kind of feelings these are, I'm not able to identify if they're fatherly (I am a female in my mid to late teens, I'd guess he is in his late 20's), if they're 'romantic' or if they're simple friendship, or even possibly dependency. I know they're a transference, and whilst these feelings are real, they are not genuinely for who he is, it's just because of the situation we're in.

I have had few friends, only one relationship (I'm young, so it's not a big deal, my feelings and maturity are still rather undeveloped as of now) and my relationship with my father was a little distant due to my mothers interference.

I have had many experiences with different counselors, therapists etc etc, near enough all of them have been negative, or at least grossly unhelpful. I guess growing up I slipped through the cracks, and there was never any real 'issue' they could diagnose me with. This is the first psychiatrist I have ever had before.

I've had about 5 sessions with him, and I've found it much easier to talk about stuff, even stuff I've never told any other doctor or therapist/counselor. Hell, I even cried, and I've never cried in any session before. At first I felt really nervous, but I genuinely felt at ease within a few minutes, and I now even looked forward to the sessions. It's nice to just be able to sit with somebody and either to talk, or to think.

Besides maybe one relative, I have never felt this level of contentment with another person. I rarely even sit with any other people. I spend nearly every day alone except for college and to visit some relatives.

And another thing. Due to my nervous habits I'm often around an hour early for my sessions, and the other week I was around 1 hour and 15 minutes early. I heard another young girl my age and her mother/carer saying they had an appointment with my psychiatrist. I know it's wrong, but I felt suddenly lost, terrified, depressed, hell even upset. I had over an hour before my appointment so I kept going through everything, trying to work out why I was upset. I kinda realised it's because of the one sided part of the whole thing. I know nothing of him, and I have to speak of all the awful and shameful parts of my life. I realised I was faceless, I was nothing to him, and that bothered me.

The only other reason was is that he is in complete control of everything. I forge relationships with people, and I always know a great deal about them when they learn about me. I am used to noticing the struggling students or people, and I'm good at finding the information out and lending support, and it's only then do I feel comfortable going deeper into my problems. I am unable to do this with my psychiatrist, so I'm getting uncomfortable, upset and angry because I know I am nothing to him at all, and to be this honest and open, it's a big deal to me.

And I'm worried about how I'm going to cope whilst he's away for the next 3-4 weeks. I've become dependent on him, in the sense looking forward to our sessions after college has finished, it's become a constant thought to get through the college hours to be able to be honest with somebody and not be judged too harshly. Now I'll have nothing for a while, I'll be back to where I was two months ago.

So is this common? I honestly am aware (I like to repeat myself, I apologise) I don't have feelings for him in a genuine sense, but I can't help the way I feel, and I can't really work out why, because obviously I can't like him for who he is because I don't know who he is.

This makes no sense to me. New insight would help. Thanks for reading, sorry about how long it is.

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I don't really have any advice, but I just wanted you to know you aren't alone. I have been seeing my therapist once a week for 4 years. I am often confused about what I feel for him. I often feel guilt as well, because I am married. Happily, I should add. I have never once desired another man or even looked at another man with longing, and I mean that. But it is different with my therapist. He is almost 20 years older than I am, which makes me think I have a "fatherly" type love for him, but, it is different from how I love my dad. It's not platonic, I guess you could say. Because I feel a romantic love for him too. At least I think I do, but he says I don't. We have discussed this several times, which he says is a good thing. He calls it transference and all, and yes I believe him...but it is still hard to wrap my mind around. I consider my relationship with him to be the most intimate of any other that I have ever had, besides the one with my husband. My therapist is the only other person who knows everything about me. My deepest, darkest secrets. My failures and triumphs. My fears. My goals. My failings. He has seen me at my very, very worst and lowest points, where all I could do was sit and cry and beg him to help me get better. It's a relationship like no other. I don't meet with any other person in my life on a weekly basis and bare myself down to my very soul. He is better than a best friend, and I like him as a person. I know a lot about him, due to the inevitable self disclosure that occurs after 4 years of therapy. I know he is a loving father and a loving husband. There is absolutely no way that either one of us would allow this relationship to be anything other than strictly professional. But it is still confusing all the same. That's why I have no advice....just want to tell you I know how you feel.

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