Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
lp44

Hope, Therapists, Hurting Heart

Recommended Posts

I have a big problem with this, and have temporarily quit therapy because of it. My issue is that I want a more attached and connected relationship then therapists feel is healthy. They say their role is to be a mirror, to give you none of themselves, but only to reflect back you for you. But I don't need a mirror, I need someone who cares and is willing to open up to me too; and if they're not willing to do that then I'm sure not either. A one sided relationship is the definition of rejection. I'm not going to a therapist to feel rejected.

I absolutely understand where you are coming from on this. We all need to feel connection. It is very basic to our core needs as human beings. Pretty much ahead of even food and water IMO. I think all therapists have a choice to make in this matter. Its a tough choice and one that I don't think is easy to navigate for them. Its really hard for them. It has to be. Every human is so unique and different....they all interpret things differently...need differently. I think therapists risk when they allow things into their lives, they open themselves up when they share too. They have to be able to do that and still maintain a professional balance or the scales can be tipped in an unhealthy way. A therapist must maintain that balance and never make the client feel like they are responsible in any way for anything they are saying. Does any of that make sense at all?

I say that......but I have a therapist you would like. She does just what you are asking of one....but maintains professionalism at the same time. She works very hard at connection. I don't know how she does it honestly. It must be super hard. I hope you can try again and find one that is a better fit for you. I promise they aren't all "cold and professional."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi IP.

Just thought of a question for you.

Have you ever tried writing down what is bothering you and having your therapist read it?

I've tried that a couple of different times and it seems to help. Then at least you can plan what you want to say or ask and not forget anything.

I did it once with writing down my triggers and another time with a short piece of prose I'd written, that I wanted my therapist's opinion about.

Just a thought. It might help.

Keep hanging in there. We're all here for you.

I actually email her a couple of times a week between sessions.....or maybe only once....but you get the idea. She has always said, "Email me if you need me." She actually means it....and I feel free to do so. Gosh she will even say "Im so glad you wrote that down and felt comfortable enough to email me and tell me."

With my weird self I just want to say...... "OMG stop being nice to me....you make it really hard to dump therapy!!" :shocked:

Its all too much to write down.....and if I did cough it all up in an email Im pretty sure I would never go back....like e-v-e-r....

I just have to take it moment by moment for now.

Thank you so very much for your kind words of support.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm glad that she's available to you through email. I've never asked my therapist about that as an option. She sounds very supportive which is key for therapists.

I know what you mean. Even putting it all in an email might be too much, even for me. At least it's an outlet if you need it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I can totally relate. Trust issues are a big problem for me, especially in therapy. It's hard enough to form a friendship with anyone in particular and then to be able to tell someone your hopes, fears, problems, traumatic experiences, etc., it can be very difficult. It's definitely a slow process for me.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted 22 December 2014 - 10:46 AM


I have a big problem with this, and have temporarily quit therapy because of it. My issue is that I want a more attached and connected relationship then therapists feel is healthy. They say their role is to be a mirror, to give you none of themselves, but only to reflect back you for you. But I don't need a mirror, I need someone who cares and is willing to open up to me too; and if they're not willing to do that then I'm sure not either. A one sided relationship is the definition of rejection. I'm not going to a therapist to feel rejected.



Wow...I too want a therapist who is also a friend....I would settle for a friend who also acts like a therapist! LOL. I need connections because I have so very few of them....It seems to me that no body likes me much....I feel almost constantly rejected...like at work, I see people getting together and meeting up for lunch. I get invited once, then never again to such groups and I don't know why....was it something I said, the way I look, bad manners, I just have no clue. I conclude that my personality is just boring....

but, as long as you are paying the therapist, I don't think they will ever reject you. I understand they don't want you to form an close attachment to them, but it is critical that the T. be compassionate and an active listener, care about you and be truly interested in you.

I don't have any anxiety about going to therapy except that I am pretty sure the therapist will be like my co-workers...and not like me. I just started with a new therapist (have been 2x) and this last time he was kind of giving me permission to try some other T. He said, if you don't think we are a good fit, there are plenty more and don't hesitate to try someone else. I immediately thought he was really telling me he didn't want to be my therapist. But then he summed up the session by saying that he could tell I was a detail person, strong and logical. I asked how he could tell and he said the minute I entered the room on our first visit, you had a presence and sometimes that puts people off, especially men. But, he said he finds me "interesting" and seemed to infer he would like me to continue to see him. How confusing!! I told him i hadn't made up my mind completely yet, but so far I thought he was good. I never judge anyone the first few times I meet them....but I found his comments fascinating because maybe he can provide some insight into why it seems like people eventually don't like me...especially men. I have never known what I did wrong.

Back to your topic...I would encourage you to continue in therapy despite the anxiety...that probably means you are touching some subjects that are uncomfortable, but need to be dealt with.

Sorry, if I am rambling..feeling lonely but need to go to bed. It is Christmas and I am alone and sad overall...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted 22 December 2014 - 10:46 AM

I have a big problem with this, and have temporarily quit therapy because of it. My issue is that I want a more attached and connected relationship then therapists feel is healthy. They say their role is to be a mirror, to give you none of themselves, but only to reflect back you for you. But I don't need a mirror, I need someone who cares and is willing to open up to me too; and if they're not willing to do that then I'm sure not either. A one sided relationship is the definition of rejection. I'm not going to a therapist to feel rejected.

Wow...I too want a therapist who is also a friend....I would settle for a friend who also acts like a therapist! LOL. I need connections because I have so very few of them....It seems to me that no body likes me much....I feel almost constantly rejected...like at work, I see people getting together and meeting up for lunch. I get invited once, then never again to such groups and I don't know why....was it something I said, the way I look, bad manners, I just have no clue. I conclude that my personality is just boring....

but, as long as you are paying the therapist, I don't think they will ever reject you. I understand they don't want you to form an close attachment to them, but it is critical that the T. be compassionate and an active listener, care about you and be truly interested in you.

I don't have any anxiety about going to therapy except that I am pretty sure the therapist will be like my co-workers...and not like me. I just started with a new therapist (have been 2x) and this last time he was kind of giving me permission to try some other T. He said, if you don't think we are a good fit, there are plenty more and don't hesitate to try someone else. I immediately thought he was really telling me he didn't want to be my therapist. But then he summed up the session by saying that he could tell I was a detail person, strong and logical. I asked how he could tell and he said the minute I entered the room on our first visit, you had a presence and sometimes that puts people off, especially men. But, he said he finds me "interesting" and seemed to infer he would like me to continue to see him. How confusing!! I told him i hadn't made up my mind completely yet, but so far I thought he was good. I never judge anyone the first few times I meet them....but I found his comments fascinating because maybe he can provide some insight into why it seems like people eventually don't like me...especially men. I have never known what I did wrong.

Back to your topic...I would encourage you to continue in therapy despite the anxiety...that probably means you are touching some subjects that are uncomfortable, but need to be dealt with.

Sorry, if I am rambling..feeling lonely but need to go to bed. It is Christmas and I am alone and sad overall...

Thank you Denise! First....hugs to your heart and that yucky feeling of loneliness on Christmas. That is a tough feeling to muscle through.

I hope you can continue with this therapist and get what you need out of it all.

As for me, I know I need to stick with it. I think I can but will have to take it one moment at a time. I know better than to promise anything more.

This therapist has been the key...and the timing in my life critical.

While I feel like I am still all over the map.....her support brings me some stability that I didn't have and desperately need if I am going to make it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Didn't want to start a new thread just for something like this..... Really need a response however.

This seems like a ridiculously stupid question........but here goes anyway........I go in on Monday to the T. It will probably be a week or two before I go in again. I have more than I care to go into going on right now....and I will have been off work for a week. I will need to "turn off" that part of me that has been looking at hard things lately. I will need all my energy to put my "game face" back on and settle back into what is a very stressful environment at work. I have been struggling with ED behaviors and super strong urges to SH. We only briefly once talked about ED behaviors....and those were past behaviors more than present ones. I told her about the only two times I have ever had an issue with SH. Didn't go into any details at all there either.

Monday will be it for a couple of weeks, and I am in a WAY fragile place.

She lets me lead the conversation most of the time right now....or atleast be "in charge of" the direction things start.

I really need help knowing how to ask for help to cope from day to day. I even struggle with thoughts of suicide right now. Please please understand that I would never (I dont think...what else can I say) My children deserve a better "back story" than that. Dumb as that sounds I guess I don't see anything at all magical that will help other than what I already do everyday. Muscle through and hope for better things later.....

I don't know how to bring these things up to her. I really don't! :tear2:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

i would describe what its like day to day for you and tell her how difficult it is and what are things that can you help you cope with it. i would also tell her about the urges to SH.

as for "Muscle through and hope for better things later..." in my experience and i think most people's, it wont suddenly get better. rather these difficult feelings need a lot of working with. doesnt have to mean high level activity wise, but working on dealing with them in healthy ways with mindfulness as an example. and i emphasize working on dealing with them in healthy ways, because its human instinct to avoid whats painful and do things that help us cope (like drugs, SH) but dont help in the long run. but with practice we can use healthy coping skills more and more often over time and actually help with these symptoms.

Edited by bigmike092

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

i would describe what its like day to day for you and tell her how difficult it is and what are things that can you help you cope with it. i would also tell her about the urges to SH.

as for "Muscle through and hope for better things later..." in my experience and i think most people's, it wont suddenly get better. rather these difficult feelings need a lot of working with. doesnt have to mean high level activity wise, but working on dealing with them in healthy ways with mindfulness as an example. and i emphasize working on dealing with them in healthy ways, because its human instinct to avoid whats painful and do things that help us cope (like drugs, SH) but dont help in the long run. but with practice we can use healthy coping skills more and more often over time and actually help with these symptoms.

Thank you bigmike. I know all that you say to be true. Just haven't been with this T long enough to really trust, That comes so hard for me. Each day is such a struggle for me right now. I am aware enough to atleast realize how incredibly fragile I am right now. No one in my world has a clue either.

I will try to talk to her about some of these things.....don't know if I can....but I know I need to. Wish I knew how she would react to it all. Literally the SH has only happened twice in my entire life. I know it is a short term fix. Short term just seems worth it when everything feels so intense 24\7 and you need for it to stop...if only for a little while. The ED stuff......feels like that will never end. :(

I just want to say to her "ok this is how bad I am hurting. Please help me."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I just want to say to her "ok this is how bad I am hurting. Please help me."

do you feel you could say that to her, or would the lack of trust make that hard? if so, what do you think the worst case scenario would be? of course its okay theres a lack of trust, that may just need time, just asking curiously as well as maybe you'll get more insight into it. my guess is, she would react with care and wanting to help. at least my therapist does, though i notice not with any shock or surprise, a result im guessing from seeing similar cases so much and im guessing your therapist does so too.

Short term just seems worth it when everything feels so intense 24\7 and you need for it to stop...if only for a little while.

yea ive been there. at my first session the pain was so intense it felt hard to sit still and i felt like i wanted to go to the hospital because of it. but overtime the intense pain as well as hopelessness became more manageable because of therapy and to my surprise, started to slowly get better.

The ED stuff......feels like that will never end.

maybe because you gotten so used to it? but trust me, it doesn't have to be a permanent thing. but i know when you feel that far down its hard to imagine and feels like you cant see where the light at the end of the dark tunnel is so to speak. this stuff takes a lot of working through and a lot of patience.

"The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." - Lao Tzu

and recovery is very much a long, difficult journey.

Edited by bigmike092

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Ip44: I'd encourage you to try your best to talk with your therapist about all of these feelings. I totally understand the trust issues. I struggle with the same thing. What's helped for me might be something for you to try if you want. Write down some of the things that you want/need for her to know. It doesn't have to be anything fancy. I've just written down a few words or phrases and showed it to my therapist and then we go from there. At least that way they have an idea of what you need help with. Writing it down also helps to get your thoughts organized so you're less likely to forget something.

I hope that helps.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Not at all a stupid question IP.

I think you did a great job by telling her what you have told her so far. Its really really hard when you have trust issues and are not used to asking for help. I hope you can say what you need to though. If you do then you do. If you don't then then you still did the best you could at the time. I dont think there is any magic solution but hope you can tell her about the suicidal thoughts and that you would like to discuss ideas with her on how to cope as you feel unable to.

Sadly magic and treatment don't really go together but that doesnt in any way mean that many changes are not possible and that we cant make changes. Sending you much support and I hope you find a way to do it. Email or verbally.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I just want to say to her "ok this is how bad I am hurting. Please help me."

do you feel you could say that to her, or would the lack of trust make that hard? if so, what do you think the worst case scenario would be? of course its okay theres a lack of trust, that may just need time, just asking curiously as well as maybe you'll get more insight into it. my guess is, she would react with care and wanting to help. at least my therapist does, though i notice not with any shock or surprise, a result im guessing from seeing similar cases so much and im guessing your therapist does so too.

I don't know if I can or not to be honest with you. I don't think I can know that till tomorrow. I think sometimes I can....and then I take one look at her and in my head go "ok wow....nevermind" She has done everything right where trust is concerned. This is all me. Im sure she would react with care...but I would want to know what was really going through her head. I am better but I still know I could leave and never come back pretty easily still too. I don't even understand my own feelings or behavior right now. For a control freak that's a tough place to be.

Short term just seems worth it when everything feels so intense 24\7 and you need for it to stop...if only for a little while.

yea ive been there. at my first session the pain was so intense it felt hard to sit still and i felt like i wanted to go to the hospital because of it. but overtime the intense pain as well as hopelessness became more manageable because of therapy and to my surprise, started to slowly get better.

I am the most poised, self confident person ever in the real world. I am a leader, counselor to many, public speaker.....yet in her office I am the most fidgety person ever....way hard to sit still....and if I do....its pretty much in a little ball in the chair. :(

The ED stuff......feels like that will never end.

maybe because you gotten so used to it? but trust me, it doesn't have to be a permanent thing. but i know when you feel that far down its hard to imagine and feels like you cant see where the light at the end of the dark tunnel is so to speak. this stuff takes a lot of working through and a lot of patience.

"The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." - Lao Tzu----have always loved that quote!

and recovery is very much a long, difficult journey. ----yea that's what I am afraid of

Thanks!!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Ip44: I'd encourage you to try your best to talk with your therapist about all of these feelings. I totally understand the trust issues. I struggle with the same thing. What's helped for me might be something for you to try if you want. Write down some of the things that you want/need for her to know. It doesn't have to be anything fancy. I've just written down a few words or phrases and showed it to my therapist and then we go from there. At least that way they have an idea of what you need help with. Writing it down also helps to get your thoughts organized so you're less likely to forget something.

I hope that helps.

Thank you :) I will try...but don't honestly know how it will go tomorrow. Im struggling to keep my worlds separate....my "confident me" world.....and my "person in therapy" world. The lines are super blurry right now. Like I said to Mike....I have these thoughts of what I can say...then I go in there and think.... "omg nevermind."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Not at all a stupid question IP.

I think you did a great job by telling her what you have told her so far. Its really really hard when you have trust issues and are not used to asking for help. I hope you can say what you need to though. If you do then you do. If you don't then then you still did the best you could at the time. I dont think there is any magic solution but hope you can tell her about the suicidal thoughts and that you would like to discuss ideas with her on how to cope as you feel unable to.

Sadly magic and treatment don't really go together but that doesnt in any way mean that many changes are not possible and that we cant make changes. Sending you much support and I hope you find a way to do it. Email or verbally.

Thanks Fizzle! I think I have actually coughed up quite a bit the last couple of times I have been in(about "family of orgin" crap....do NOT want to pick up where we left off with that...cant handle it).....but I don't know that she quite understands how acute it is.....how thin that "line that's about to snap" is. Not sure if I can find the right words to tell her either.

*I* counsel so many people in my world...and Im pretty good at it. I can meet people where they are at beautifully....validate beautifully.......make them feel and know that they are totally normal. Im just a hot mess when it comes to getting near those concepts for myself.

I guess I just don't see there being one single thing she could possibly say to help with my thought processes right now. But who knows...we shall see I guess

Thanks again :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi Ip. The two have zero to do with each other. In fact for some people the need to do, and reasons behind the first, is part of what causes the difficulties with the second.

Unfortunately I have realised the only way to make sure someone knows how things are for me is to tell them in so many words. Darn unfair if you ask me! Why cant t;s read minds. They should be able to.

If you cant when you get there then you will still have done the best you could. Good luck.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi Ip. The two have zero to do with each other. In fact for some people the need to do, and reasons behind the first, is part of what causes the difficulties with the second.

Unfortunately I have realised the only way to make sure someone knows how things are for me is to tell them in so many words. Darn unfair if you ask me! Why cant t;s read minds. They should be able to.

If you cant when you get there then you will still have done the best you could. Good luck.

It's funny Fizzle.......she actually can just about read my mind sometimes. With certain things she is spot on....literally said the last time I was there at a moment when I paused when talking and thought for a bit..... "and just so you know you just realized something right then about....." She was totally right and I hadn't shown any expression....she's that good at this. Of course totally didn't see the SH issue at all. Basically said, "Im glad you said something because I didn't see it." I am WAY self confident and assured to the outside world for the most part.

I do not know how to do this very well. I have realized just to what degree I have counted on NO ONE for many many years. I literally do not even know how.

I will go a week or two without seeing her after tomorrow. (not due to her...my choice....I cant start work again and think about therapy all at the same time) I literally *need* to be able to communicate these things. I just want to stop hurting this bad....but dont know quite how to trust. I will be so disappointed in myself if I cant.....but I do not know what I will do until I am sitting there.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hmmm. I didnt realise it was a choice of yours to have a gap. I hope you reconsider. If you are trying to prove to yourself that can do without help then that isnt helpful for you,. The difficulty is receiving it and not doing without it. The challenge is to keep going not to avoid.

Good luck!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Fizzle I don't know what I am trying to prove....or that I am trying to prove anything. I cannot keep feeling like this day after day. I must turn my thoughts back toward work again. (after being off for a bit for the holidays) I have to turn off this part of me for a little while. Im not bailing on the process, but nor can I pretend to be able to do all of this at the same time either. Everything must go back in its respective box for a couple weeks for me to re-adjust. Honestly I full well know its not the best decision....but I have to Fizzle. I just have to.

I cant really go into everything here...but I have unique issues from all sides right now. I could make it happen but.....well my heart is just so broken right now....just don't have much fight in me.

I plan to go back. Its only for a couple of weeks.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thx Fizzle....don't know if I know what's best for me at all. Just in survival mode.

Mike....hope so..hope I can stay pressed into this kind of hurt long enough to get to that point.

Appt is in about an hour....this just shouldn't be this hard.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  

Announcements

×
×
  • Create New...