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Barry Blue

I Hate Myself

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I can relate to not fitting in with people socially. My social skills are basically non-existent.

As for the reason for not checking out I will throw a few out there:

1) Checking out will basically destroy the lives of the people who care about you and I'm saying this not to make you feel guilty but just as a fact.

2) We will all die at some stage, maybe even tomorrow so why not stick around?

3) Things can change in your life even if you feel they never will. 2 years ago I was so depressed I slept 16 hours a day and for the other hours I just laid in bed wishing I was dead. Now I have also finished a degree and I am doing some work experience at a company over the break. I thought things would never get better but they have VERY SLOWLY over a long period of time. It was hard (and still is) but I just try and focus on getting through each and every day. Even if things just go bad again and I mess everything up or even if thing go so bad I'm homeless at least I tried to make my life better and I can feel good for trying.

No one can control you or tell you what to do but I hope you can find something worth holding on to. Best of luck.

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You don't "check out" because things might change.

Poor social skills can be improved upon. Attitude can change.

Unattractive? In the eye of the beholder. Think about the "average-looking" guy. Then remember that half the guys you see are less attractive than him. And remember that a load of THOSE guys are happily in relationships, successful in business, good fathers, loving siblings.

Be the best YOU you can be. Keep working on health, attitude (are you on meds and/or therapy?). Do the things you like to do - join clubs and organizations. You'll find that people will listen to what you say, no matter how unattractive you think you are. Volunteer - you'll find that people welcome your presence and efforts, regardless of how you look.

Best regards.

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I am not on meds or therapy at the moment. I've been involved in both since about 1991. Not only do I have suicidal thoughts sometimes (never to the point of an actual plan) I have random homicidal thoughts as well. I'm at my college for example, and I just had this random thought about shooting and ******* the various people I walked by for no reason. I have thoughts of torture as well. That's my thought process on a daily basis from when I wake up to when I sleep...Negativity. I have no real social structure....

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