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Failure.


fishy86

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I was better for a while but recently i have begun telling myself what a waste of space loser i am. It doesn't help that i am stuck in this dead end job basically doing all the tasks nobody else in the office wants to do.

my childhhod best friend died about a month ago, we werent friends at the time (i hadnt seen him in a few years) but i just kept thinking it should have been me rather than a young father with his family etc.

i really dont know how much longer i can goon without ******* myself.

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Fishy, sorry you are having a bad time right now. My sincere condolences about the death of your friend. I'm glad you came here to talk. Do you have anyone in real life or perhaps a therapist who you can talk to about your feelings?

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hmm Ive been on mirtazapine for months now(probably about 8 months of taking it consistently) it did help a bit to begin with but not so much anymore so i want to come off it (

I dont know what other kind of job I could do. I'm pretty useless as I spent a decade locked in a room drinking myself to death (no exaggeration) and as a result im very socially awkward and weird and very quiet and shy with virtually no skills whatsoever.

but I constantly feel like I cant spend another second at my really boring monotous admin assistant job. It doesnt help that everyone else there is very self confident and it has a kind of 'macho' atmosphere... I am not at all macho so I really dont fit in....

i feel constantly on the verge of panic if i am there or thinking of going there but if i quit ill just beat myself up more telling myself im a total failure for not having a job etc but it looks like any job ill ever get will be crappy boring admin work so is there even any point looking for anything else?

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Also, as the office is such a toxic petty place to be, the person who used to do my job got signed off with depression and juist the other my boss said 'dont make the same mistake he made and get yourself signed off with depression for 3 weeks'

she also makes comments about people with my hobbies 'arent like everyone else' and 'they dont normally want to work in offices' it seems like shes hinting i shouldnt be there....

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I'm extremely sorry that you lost your friend. As Queen Elizabeth said after the attacks on 09/11/2001, "grief is the price we pay for love". Remember the good times.

But... umm... I kind of made a career out of doing stuff nobody else in the office wanted to do. I got good at it, and it was one less thing for everybody else to worry about!

You hang in there, my friend. Do the good things.

Best regards.

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Well, it sound as much like it reflects badly on her if you did that, so that may just be fear talking. You can only go through so many assistants before her bosses start looking at her.

What are your hobbies if you don't mind me asking. And if she mentions it again, point out that you have to work to pay for your hobbies. Finally, social skills can be learned and improved upon. Look out for other people who share your hobby. Maybe they get together. You'll be much more relaxed and less self conscious around people who all love the same thing you do.

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hmm my main hobby is poi spinning (not many people are into it) but ive also been going to yoga for the last couple of months (only once a week though).

Its gotten to the point where i am wishing away every second of every day. Ive also been fighting the temptation to just smash my car into a wall on a daily basis. All i can think about is what a pathetic joke of a failure i am.

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I can definitely relate to how you're feeling. I am currently looking for a job, but the academic job market is tough and I am unable to find a position. Despite feeling that you're in a dead end job, I would concentrate on the "success" in your life. While I understand your dissatisfaction with your current position, it seems you have a lot to offer in the administrative/clerical field. Have you thought about finding a new position where your skills would be more valued? Is there a chance for promotion within your current company that could transfer you to another office? I would try to reach out to a career counselor or schedule some informational interviews on a position you would like to obtain.

I am sorry to hear about your loss and that certainly warrants some kind of grieving. While you may have not been close with your friend at the time of his death, have you tried to reach out to his family? Grieving with someone else can be a real positive experience and it could help give you some closure. More importantly, I find that sharing my feelings and helping other people tends to make me feel better. Even though you don't feel like your life is worth much, your actions could mean the world to someone. Have you thought about volunteering?

Hang in there and start looking into your next career move. It sounds like you have skills and experience that could be marketable.

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Wow. Poi spinning. I just looked it up. That's amazing. Don't let someone take that from you. And when I looked it up I saw "Poi Meet-ups" in my area, so you should definitely look into that. We work to live, not live to work.

Also, yoga is good. It's a good meditative physical activity for those of us whose minds won't stop torturing us. If you can go more often, I recommend it.

I know the pain of having a job that you hate. You spend the majority of your time there and so to hate it is soul crushing. This is why what you do with your downtime is crucial especially now then news of your childhood friend dying has triggered all sorts of issues with you. It's not a coincidence that I rediscovered biking during that time of my life (which was only a few years ago). I'd be counting the minutes until I could get home and hit the bike path. No matter what the season, it became the best part of my day.

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Thank you for your kind words!

I did think of writing to his mum but I felt like maybe I would be intruding on their lives (I havent seen his mum for about 20 years).

I think a career counsellor would be a good idea but that sounds expensive and Ive had counselling before (for depression etc) and i didnt find it terribly worth it. I guess im struggling to even know what to do, as it stands Im really hating myself for messing up university so badly by just drinking all the time then dropping out in my final year. Now im stuck in this dead end badly paid mind numbling boring job just asking people to do menial boring tasks.

I met up with an old friend from university who is very successful but io havent seen him in years. He kept asking me "do you remember when i used to try and drag you into lectures but you were always too drunk?' it wasnt great being constantly reminded why one of us has a proper job and the other is nearly 30 living with his parents on crap pay with zero prospects or future.

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